Silent Distractions

Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight or New Moon. Those belong to the talented Stephenie Meyer.

There was no way that Rosalie was right. Bella was not… I couldn't even think the word. This had to be a sick and twisted effort to get me to come home. Rosalie I knew was the only one of my family who was furious with both myself and Bella for coming between her and her happily ever after. Like Bella could have ever foreseen the consequences of our love. Not only Bella but me, as if I would have chosen this voluntarily. Never mind that I couldn't even move unless absolutely necessary. Without Bella here to keep me going, my existence had lost all its former condolences. Without my angel here to keep me warm, life had left me cold and hopeless. It became hard to breathe let alone survive. I had been on the verge of returning to her and begging for forgiveness. After I had first left, I had decided that I had done the right thing. Her safety was constantly in jeopardy by me staying. If I couldn't keep her safely by my side then I would have to give her up so that she could be safe without me. Then as time wore on so did my resolve. Sometimes in the middle of the night I would imagine that I was right back there in her room listening to her breathe as she slept.

It was those kinds of nights that kept me going. Once I had left her, I decided that I still needed to make sure that my existence was no longer plaguing her life. I had to make sure that Victoria never got to her. I would try my best to track her. Unfortunately I did not have any of the skill in that "distraction". That was what made me come in to contact with the outside world. I would track for a while, then give up and go see my family up in Ithaca. Every time I came home though I felt like Jasper had given me his gift. Suddenly I was very aware of how Carlisle, Esme, and Alice hoped for my future. Emmett and Jasper just prayed that I would be able to not succumb to my misery. Their thoughts told me how astonished they were that I had not run off to Italy yet. Once Emmett momentarily considered what he would do if he were in my place. That thought brought Jasper and Emmett a completely new sense of respect for my sacrifice.

Rosalie on the other hand had always thought of Bella as the single nuisance in her perfect world. Whenever I saw her I could feel waves of disapproval for my "sulking" as she put it. She had tried to hide the fact that she always knew that my love was never really love but more of a sick fascination of mine. Like I chose to torture Bella and the rest of my family. I tried not to come home very much because it was always difficult to keep going with the rest of the family watching and waiting for the return of my old self.

Only once did I ever get truly close to going back to her. It was one of those nights where I would wonder about her life. What college she had decided to go to in the fall. Whether or not she was happy. Then my mind accidentally wandered into forbidden territory: I had begun to think of who she would date or even end up marrying. Instantly I regretted it. Not only did it bring a whole new sense of uncontrollable pain and agony but also an unrightful jealous rage when I thought of another man touching, kissing, or even looking at my Bella. Then a thought more painful than any other I had before came to me: what if Bella had chosen Mike? What if once I had been gone for a while, she had suddenly seen something in him? Surely Bella would know that Mike, a disgusting loathsome excuse for a human, could never be good enough for a goddess like her. She is the most fascinating woman in the world. The thought of her with him made me cry out in agony in the darkness. Instantly I tried to push that thought out of my head. No Bella had never liked Mike, even before I had come storming into her beautiful world, she had always thought of him as strictly friends. Instead I tried to focus on everything about her that I loved. Her dark, beautiful hair, her luscious curves, the smile that lit up my world, and her breathtaking doe eyes. I would always compare the two most heart wrenching memories I had of her eyes. The first I would daydream about, when I had exhausted my body from the sadness. Whenever I needed a break I would remember this look in her eyes when she told me for the first time, consciously at least, that she loved me. As I had stared down into her face, I could see the love and devotion that she silently pledged as she told me that she would always love me. The second however haunted my darkest hours. It was the look of shock and pure agony the day that I had left her in the woods. The look in her eyes made me doubt if leaving her was the right thing to do. Because the last time I had ever looked upon her eyes I saw the most frightening sight of my life. That day the only thing she would never say was shouting from her eyes as I walked away from my love. Her eyes told me the truth of the mess that I would unintentionally leave behind me in a path of destruction through her life. My Isabella's warm chocolate brown eyes told me of cold emptiness.