Author's note: Well, since so many people seemed to like my last ItaDeiHidan fic, I thought I'd try writing another one, this time with a lemon…well…I don't really consider it a lemon. It's more like…lots of yummy intimate action with Itachi and Hidan mostly. :P So, when I browse over the internet for pics of Itachi and Hidan together, none ever show up. It's always DeiHidan or ItaDei. I love both (duh), but I can never find any ItachiHidan action ANYWHERE, even in fanfics. Seriously, the Akatsuki fandom is lacking in that department.

SOOOO, I think I may be the first person to actually write a fanfic where Hidan and Itachi get um…yeah. There is a little Dei-Dei at the end, but this oneshot mainly deals with Ita-kun and Hi-chan and their strange relationship. I'm seriously tempted to draw pics for this fanfic now, so if any of you stop by my DA account, you may see illustrations. Or hell, if anyone else feels like drawing pics, go right ahead. I'd love to see 'em. Anyway, you're probably tired of reading this. So read and enjoy the smexiness that is Itachi, Deidara, and Hidan XD

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Deidara and Hidan would still be alive and having mad wild sex with Itachi :) What? It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do if I had the POWA!

Quality Time

Hidan was pissed. He had many reasons to be pissed. He had forgotten to do a ritual the previous week because somebody had thought it'd be funny to delay him with…unmentionable tactics. He was still trying to live out the shame. Then there was the little fact that somebody had taken his shampoo the other day and used it for themselves. Granted, said person's hair had felt wonderful during intimate moments, but Hidan had still been pissed. And now, those two somebodies were taking their sweet time in the bathroom, making him wait.

"GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!" he suddenly bellowed.

He looked wild and crazy and very unlike himself. These two would be the death of him, if he could die, that is. A man with long blonde hair peeked out from behind the door. The visible blue eye regarded the religious man curiously. Then a grin broke out on his lips. "It takes time for us to look presentable, un," the blonde stated.

Hidan swore loudly. "You're fucking S-class criminals! Who cares what you look like??!!"

"Obviously not you, un," he pouted and then disappeared behind the door again.

Hidan gave a guttural roar and pounded his fist against the bathroom door. "I'll fucking kill you both, I swear! Deidara! Red-eye! Stop fiddling with your hair and come out now! We have a fucking mission!"

This time a man with long dark hair opened the door and peered out. His red eyes stared coolly at the silver-haired man. "We cannot concentrate with you bellowing like a dying walrus, Hidan," he said.

"Concentrate on what?! You're combing your hair!"



"A few more minutes and we will be done." He closed the door and Hidan, in his anger, kicked the doorframe. He realized his mistake too late and howled in pain, clutching his aching foot.

"Damn…pansies…" he whimpered, nursing his foot. A few minutes later, the bathroom door opened, and Deidara and Itachi exited. Hidan glared up at them from his spot on the floor. "Took you long enough."

"What happened to your foot, un?" Deidara asked.

"What does it look like?" he snarled back.

"You kicked the doorframe, didn't you?" Itachi muttered.

"Shut up, red-eye!" Hidan stumbled to his feet, grabbing his scythe. "Let's just go and get this damn mission over with." But when they exited the Akatsuki hideout, Hidan looked back at his companions and scratched the back of his head. "What was our mission again?" he asked.

Itachi narrowed his eyes. "Kakuzu's right. You never listen."


"Leader thought we should go hunt a Jinchuuriki, un," Deidara explained.

"Too bad we don't know where they are, seriously. It's not like they just pop out of bushes and say, 'Hey! I'm a Jinchuuriki!'"

"Leader said he got a pretty reliable lead on where one might be, un."

"Then let's go!" Hidan started walking again and stopped, turning around. "Which way do we go?"

"We've been walking for hours!" Hidan growled. "Leader's reliable lead sucks!"

"Maybe he was misinformed," Itachi admitted. "If that is the case, then there is no reason to remain here."

"Let's head back then, un," Deidara mumbled.

"At this time? Let's just make camp and leave in the morning, seriously," Hidan suggested, yawning suddenly.

"That would be wise," Itachi replied.

So the three set to work, pitching a traveling tent and searching for food they could eat. "How we gonna make a fire?" Hidan asked.

In answer to his question, Itachi made a few hand seals and blew fire out of his mouth towards the sticks they had collected. Hidan smiled and relaxed against a fallen log. Deidara brought over fish he had caught in a nearby lake and handed one to each of them. "Bon appetite, un," he said.

The three were silent while they ate. When they were finished, Deidara had curled up close to Itachi. The Uchiha was absentmindedly stroking the blonde's long hair. Hidan had his eyes fixed on both of them. "He's kinda cute when he ain't blowing shit up," the silver-haired man stated.


"Actually, he's always been pretty cute. Looks like a girl, doesn't he?"


"You know red-eye, I'm sick of these 'hn' responses you always fucking give me. 'Hn' is not a word."

Itachi seemed to smile slightly in the firelight. "Hn…"

"You're a fuckin' prick," Hidan hissed. The way Itachi's fingers were very slowly stroking Deidara's cheek, brushing away stray hairs, was making his pants tighten. But Hidan had told himself that he would not succumb to them this week. As much as he enjoyed their times together, he was not about to let a repeat of the last time happen.

There was a reason he disliked Itachi. The Uchiha was too smart and knew just what buttons to push to send Hidan over the edge. There were times when Hidan wanted to take the smirking prodigy and fuck him until he begged for mercy. Hidan smirked in the darkness. It would be fun, to see the strong, stoic Uchiha Itachi at his mercy. But he'd never done anything with the Uchiha, except kiss him once or twice.

Deidara was the one they both cared about the most and hardly ever paid each other attention when together. But Hidan couldn't deny that he'd like, just once, to know what Uchiha blood tasted like. Itachi was a beautiful man, just like Deidara. No one could deny it even if they wanted to. Hidan could sense Itachi's desire to wake Deidara up. As much as he also wanted to taste the blonde tonight, he always wanted Itachi. And now was as good a time as any.

"Oi, red-eye," Hidan mumbled.

Itachi looked up at him, red eyes blazing from the fire. "What?" He continued to stroke Deidara's hair.

"Wanna fuck?"

The question caught him so off guard, that Itachi made a kind of choking sound and stopped caressing Deidara's face. He gazed at Hidan as though he couldn't believe what he'd just asked. He still had a stoic expression on his face, but his eyes told Hidan that he was shocked, nervous, and perhaps even a little turned on. "Excuse me?" he said, finding his tongue.

Hidan smirked. "You heard me. I figured since Dei-chan's asleep and we've never really done it before you'd be all for it."

Itachi glared at him. "No."

"Aww, what's the matter? Never had it up the ass, Uchiha?"

"You know very well that Deidara and I have—"

"Yeah, but he's gentle with you. Bet it doesn't really get you off much."

Itachi's red eyes narrowed even further. "What are you trying to say?"

Hidan stood and Itachi tensed up. The religious man walked over to him and smiled wickedly. "I give it rough, red-eye. Dei-chan knows that."

"Is that supposed to excite me?" Itachi sneered.

"I dunno…you tell me." He looked down pointedly at Itachi's pants. Itachi glanced down and tried with all his might to stop the blush coming to his cheeks. He closed his legs together glaring angrily at the other man though keeping an expressionless face on. Hidan laughed and settled himself in front of him. "Afraid I'll hurt your pride or something?"

"I do not want you anywhere near me, Hidan."

"Seriously? Your cock begs to differ." Without another word, he lunged at him. He knocked Itachi on his back and onto the log behind him. The Uchiha thrashed and growled low in his throat, trying to kick the much bigger man off himself. Hidan straddled him, pinning his hands on either side of his head so that he couldn't fight back. Itachi glared up at him. He hadn't felt such hatred in a long time. In some part of his mind he wished for Deidara to wake up; to restrain Hidan and make him leave him alone.

Hidan leaned closer, several of his slicked backed hairs falling across his forehead. He hovered above Itachi's face a few seconds before crashing his lips to his. Itachi resisted because he never liked kissing Hidan. On the rare times that he had, he had nearly wanted to throw up. The man tasted of blood and it sickened him, even after all that he (Itachi) had done. Hidan paid no heed to Itachi's attempts at biting him and kicking him and whatnot. In fact, it was exciting him.

"Keep resisting, Itachi," he purred in the other's ear. Itachi stilled his movements. "It'll only make me harder."

Hidan never thought subduing a murderer like Uchiha Itachi would be so easy. Maybe the kid really did like him, but was just denying it? He shrugged and kissed him again, biting at his lower lip. A little blood trickled down and Hidan greedily licked it off. He smirked. "Uchiha blood is fucking nice," he said, pink eyes glinting excitedly.

Whatever means Itachi hoped to escape from him, none worked. He eventually gave in. As Hidan slid off his body to pull down his pants, he let out a groan of disappointment. Hidan chuckled. "Yeah, I knew you'd see it my way, red-eye." And then Itachi felt his mouth, oh yes, that mouth which he had told himself was just used for vulgar curse words and ritual prayers was pleasuring him so intently, so wonderfully. He couldn't breathe normally. Itachi could feel his back arching, could feel his pleasure mounting. Deidara had never—not like this, never like this. His thoughts were clouded for the first time in his twenty years of life. He couldn't think clearly, couldn't see clearly. But he could feel. And what he felt was undeniable pleasure. It erupted inside him and he gave an almighty shudder. Hidan pulled back, muttering something under his breath.

Itachi couldn't describe how wonderful it had felt. He had had amazing climaxes when Deidara gave the same treatment, but never that intensely. He tried catching his breath. All he could see at the moment were stars as he laid upon his back on the rotting log. He tried to sit up, but found that his upper body ached from arching his back so much. He wanted more. It made him ashamed to admit that he liked what the religious man was offering, but if it was anything like what he had just experienced, he wanted it again.

"Hidan," he whispered, turning his Sharingan off and searching for the silver-haired man.

Hidan came over to him, holding his rosary against his chest. "Told you you'd like it," he said with a grin. Itachi managed a small smile. "So…ready for round two?" At the weak nod he received, Hidan removed his cloak and pants and turned the dark-haired man over. "Like I said before, I'm rough," he said in his ear.

"Just do it," Itachi spat. Without any kind of lubrication, Hidan's first thrust caused a cry of pain to emit from Itachi's mouth. He had never cried in pain. Never. Hidan thrust in a second time and he bit his lip. Blood dripped down to the forest floor. It hurt very much, much more than when Deidara had taken him. But then again, the blonde had prepared him before hand. Hidan had just decided on a whim that he'd like to fuck Itachi. Itachi braced himself for the next thrusts, trying to block out the pain. He could feel minimal pleasure. Hidan was grunting and moaning above him. He yanked at Itachi's ponytail and pulled his head back. Itachi made a sound like a whimper.

"How's this?" he said coolly.

"Fine," Itachi managed to say.

"You enjoying yourself, red-eye?"

Itachi winced at his next thrust. He knew Hidan was a masochist and enjoyed pain inflicted on himself and on others…but this was… "It hurts," he finally admitted, keeping his face as stoic as he could, despite the pain he was in. He hadn't endured any kind of physical pain like this in all his life.

Hidan suddenly pulled out, but not before biting the back of Itachi's neck. He stood up and went for his clothes. He had his rosary in his hand again and was mumbling. Itachi watched him before closing his eyes and crumbled onto the floor beside the sleeping Deidara.

He took deep, even breaths. He turned his head to face Deidara, to hold him, and was surprised to see the blonde's eyes wide open. He was frowning slightly. "Did he hurt you, un?" he whispered. Itachi shook his head. Deidara narrowed his eyes and crawled closer to him. He leaned over to kiss Itachi gently. "I know what he's like, Itachi. I know it seemed like he really got off causing you pain, but I think he regrets it after, un."

"Hidan? Regret?" Itachi breathed, finding that the two words didn't belong in the same sentence.

"He loves us, un," Deidara stated. "He has a weird as hell way of showing it, but he does."

"How do you…?"

"See him mumbling over there?" Itachi looked to where he was pointing and saw Hidan crouched down away from them both, saying things under his breath to his rosary. He nodded. "He's apologizing, un."


"For hurting you."

Itachi's dark eyes widened slightly. He had never thought Hidan was capable of feeling regret or sorrow for doing something. "But why…?"

"Like I said before, un. He loves us."

Hidan walked back over to them, grabbing Itachi's cloak and putting it over the dark-haired man. He bent down towards Deidara and kissed him softly. He then glanced at Itachi and gave him a half-smirk. He was about to stand up again, but Itachi stopped him and pulled him down to press a warm, open-mouthed kiss on his lips. Hidan stared back at him in shock. Itachi didn't bother to hide the little grin on his lips as he pulled away.

Hidan stepped back and said, "The fuck was that?"

"A thank you," was the reply he got.

"A thank—You're fuckin' weird, red-eye."

Itachi smiled as he held Deidara. He had learned something new about their religious lover. He probably wouldn't have cared about the knowledge a few days ago, but now it made him feel…elated. Casting one last look at the silver-haired man lying a few feet away from him, he drifted off to sleep.

Author's note: Be amazed by my sucky ending. Blah. I was running out of inspiration by the time I got to the end, so it's kind of half-assed. Sorry. I hope you peeps liked the action. I know I did, hehe. And yes, I know Itachi is TERRIBLY OOC, but let's face it. ANY pairing with Itachi in it is gonna have him acting OOC anyway. Plus, it's fun making him kinda act his age, ya know? And here's my theory on the relationships between these guys: Itachi and Hidan are dominant over Deidara. But Hidan is obviously the dominant one with Itachi as well. I just can't picture Hi-chan being uke with Itachi. He can be uke with Kakuzu, but not Weasel :P So anyway, I hope you liked this fic as much as the last one and if anyone has any oneshot ideas I could maybe use with these three, don't be afraid to review and tell me. This threesome needs more love. Till later!