Random Sonic Story of Random Sonic Stuff
It was Thanksgiving and Knuckles, Tails, and Shadow were all staying at Sonics house. Why were they all there? Well, I guess I need some sort of excuse for them to all be together, hmmm.
Okay then, Knuckles was there because the moll men (read: Team Chaotix in blue monkey suits) dug a tunnel underneath his house and pulled it underground to feed their growing Swedish fish army.
Shadow was there because; uh… he accidentally blew up the Ark by using Chaos Blast too many times while he was high. Then he fell to earth and it looked like he died but that was actually just a pop tart he had been carrying with him.
Tails was there because he was gay for Sonic. No, wait, I can do better than that… he was there because he crashed the Cyclone into his Apartment complex owner and therefore couldn't pay rent to the man, so he evicted himself.
Okay, so they were all there for no other reason than that the story would be really boring if they were all separated. Anyways, Sonic was about to find out something that would shock all of the others.
"Guys, its Thanksgiving!" Sonic said, raising both arms up in the air.
"Uh, no crap." Tails said, licking a frosted walrus pop. "The author clearly stated that in the first sentence.
"Aha, but the difference is that you didn't know that until I told you." Sonic said while crossing his arms defiantly over a watermelon. Tails spouted more language inappropriate for a twelve year old (yeah, he's twelve in my story. FCK the Sonic Heroes!). Knuckles patted Tails re-assuringly on the shoulder, which would have been nicer if he hadn't missed and smacked Tails upside the head instead.
"Anyways, can we just get this story over with?" Knuckles asked while beating a random llama impatiently.
"Okay, okay. Where's that script…" Sonic said as he dug into his non-existent pockets. "Ahh, here we go! Ahem It's Thanksgiving!"
"Hooray!" Knuckles shouted.
"Hell yeah!" Tails bleated.
"Who am I?!" Shadow half-moaned, half-sang.
"You're hungry, because it's Thanksgiving!" Sonic said while wearing a graduates hat that was failing to conceal a dead ferret.
"I'm hungry!" Shadow yelled.
"Hooray!" Knuckles belted.
"This is getting old!" Tails screeched.
"Yeah, I guess your right. Let's just all stop now." Sonic said. Then I decided to stop writing this horrible story.
But then I started again. Because I hate you.
"So, where's the turkey?" Tails asked while flying upside down.
"Well, I… don't have one." Sonic admitted, twiddling his fingers and his toes How did he do that? The world may never know. Or maybe they'll have to wait three more seconds. Or maybe they'll never know...
"You don't have a turkey? You little censored by the pope!" Knuckles, umm, synonym for shouted!
"But… I have the ultimate hunger." Shadow whined as if the last pony princess toy had been bought, and that had happened once when he was five years old…
"Wait a minute!" Shadow said. "I was never five years old! I was a test tube baby who's growth was accelerated because my creator couldn't survived long enough to see me grow up! "
"Oh cry me a river, Mega man X." Sonic said.
"That's NOT the same story as Mega ma-", but then the "flashback" ended, or what accounts for a flashback in this story.
Rouge lifted up her shirt, facing away from the audience.
Marty McFly lifted up his- okay, I'll stop now.
"But WHY don't you have a Turkey?" Knuckles asked while trying to keep Shadow from drooling over the memory of Rouge's back-flash.
"Well, I kept sending Amy out with money to get one, but every time she came back from the store she was hot, sweaty, and carrying more money that what she started with." Sonic said.
"Wait, why is Amy living with you?" Tails asked through a mouthful of corn pops.
"I'm sure there is a reasonable answer for that Tails, and the author will state it soon enough." Sonic said. Sure enough, I decided to oblige him just because I'm a nice person. Who kills puppies. With my bare hands.
Amy had been living with Sonic because, well lets face it, Sonic was desperate and she was the best he was going to get.
"Hey, that's not a very good explanation!" Sonic shrieked.
"Don't argue with the author, Sonic." Shadow said, chuckling as he just then realized Amy was cheating on Sonic, which everyone else realized a full minute ago. But cheating on a partner isn't really funny, so Shadow shouldn't have laughed and neither should you. For shame! Shadow was hit on the head with a waffle iron that was still making waffles, just because I can't hurt the people reading this.
"Okay, so how are we going to get a bird in time for dinner? It's already Exaggerated Super Gasp 8:00 IN the MORNING!" Tails said, overacting the hell out of his line.
"Don't worry. Shadow will get one for us." Sonic said.
"Why should I do anything for you, faker?" Shadow said, using the most over-used joke in the entire Sonic universe. Nobody laughed. Not even the kid with the brain probe in his head that forced him to be eternally happy. Instead he died.
"Because Shadow…" Sonic said, putting on his real-voice action Darth Vader helmet. "I am your fa-, I mean, uhh let me start over." Sonic cleared his voice and everyone who read that sentence had their brain whipped by the Men in Black. Not wiped, whipped. With cattle rods.
"I am your creator!" Sonic said, cackling maniacally, which couldn't have helped Shadow believe him anymore, but didn't really matter anyway because this paragraph is over.
"Noooooooooooo!" Shadow cried. Literally, he cried. You should have seen the tears run down his face. Heh heh, what a baby. "But wait! I thought Dr Gerald created me!"
"That was a lie Eggman told you." Sonic said.
"But then he said that he created me!" Shadow said.
"That was a lie too." Shonic shaid.
"Well, why did I believe him?" Swadow swaid
"Because you're stupid." The blue guy said.
"Why should I believe you?" The other guy said.
"Because you're stupid." The guy who's girlfriend was cheating on him three times a day said.
"It all makes sense now!" Shadow said, whispering hoarsely for no reason.
"No it doesn't." Knuckles said, stealing Tails' line because he hadn't said much lately.
"Yes, I am Shadow the Hedgehog, the ultimate idiot! I was created by Sonic for the sole purpose of getting a turkey for thanksgiving! THIS IS WHO I AM! In this one ending. Yeah." Shadow said before crashing through a wall, breaking the support beams with his ribs. The whole house fell down around Sonic and the rest, but none of them noticed.
"Sonic, why do you mess with Shadow like that? You know he's young and impressionable." Knuckles asked, shoving Tails into a trash compacter so he could steal more of his lines.
"One, he's just as old as the rest of us. And second, I wouldn't if it wasn't so darn easy!" Sonic said, making a sweeping motion with both hands as if he had just something dramatic and inspiring. Knuckles eyes started to tear up, and I mean tears, as in little salty droplets of water. Stop being so suspicious; sheesh.
"That's not a very good excuse." Tails said, sticking his head out of the trash compactor. Knuckles shoved Tails' head back down and sealed the top with a box of cheez-its.
"Now all we have to do is hope Shadow comes back with a turkey." Sonic said. "I'm hungry."
"Damn straight." Knuckles said.
"Hell yes." Tails said who escaped the compactor using ancient chicken voodoo magic.
"TAILS!" Knuckles said, outraged. "I didn't raise you to swear like that!"
"But you didn't raise me at all." Tails said.
"Don't go into denial Tails, I know I brought you up knowing how to swear like you mean it!" Knuckles bellowed.
"But I'm twelve year old!" Tails huffed.
"Exactly! So you should have a twenty year old vocabulary. Now swear Tails, or no cookie for you!" Knuckles said.
"sigh Fck yeah!" Tails said. Knuckles nodded approvingly and threw a cookie at Tails, but since they were out of cookies he actually threw a brick. It knocked Tail's head clean off. But no one worried, because they knew that he would be back to normal after the next scene.
"Shadow was walking through Station square, which had been miraculously rebuilt three minutes after Sonic defeated Perfect Chaos. Shadow hadn't found a turkey yet, which wasn't unusual seeing as he hadn't actually going into any stores. He instead carried a shotgun and two pistols on his person, and was hoping to meet some turkey in the streets. Hey, why am I talking to myself in the third-person?" Shadow asked himself. Ha! And you all thought I just accidentally put that quotation mark there, losers! Anyways, Shadow continued to walk the streets and talk to himself because he was narcissistic.
"Hmm hmm hmm, gonna kill me a bird. La la la, gonna-" a dark figure appeared at the edge of his vision. "SHOOT!" Shadow shot a random teenager. But it didn't matter because the kid had AIDS anyway, so Shadow was probably just putting him out of his misery. Shadow left the shotgun by the dead body so that they couldn't incriminate him and then walked off, sing his song.
"…me a turkey. Not just gonna wing 'em, gonna-" another creature fly towards him at breakneck speed. "BLAST!" Shadow screamed, firing both pistols into a flying nun. Instead of falling and hitting the ground though, the nun automatically flew up to heaven.
"Gotta stop doing that." Shadow thought to himself, but also said aloud at the same time. A dark alley was approaching on Shadow left side. Seriously, it started to move towards him, like the gun racks in the matrix.
"…him fast. Make it slow and painless, bust a cap in his-"another shady looking figure jumped out from the alley. "ASS!" Shadow yelled, turning around, seeing that it was a hobo and not a turkey, and still emptying twelve rounds of munitions into him before the dead body slumped to the floor and he spit into each and every bullet hole. Needless to say, he was very out of bullets and saliva after this, and he hadn't gotten any closer to finding a turkey. Shadow rationalized his killin' of the hobo as community service, and then stopped in at a Kwiki-mart to grab a squishy and a chain gun, completely missing the ten foot tall stack of turkeys stacked up to the ceiling in front of the store entrance!
"Thank you, come again." Apu said as Shadow began to leave. Shadow turned around and killed him five times with his new weapon before leaving. He didn't feel guilty as he thought the guy was probably a terrorist anyway for selling chain guns.
As Shadow patrolled the streets and the police politely ignored his oversized weapon (which he somehow held in one hand), he saw what appeared to be a wing connected to something or someone that Shadow was too eager to shoot to notice. "Die Biatch!" he screamed. The man turned around and Shadow blasted a solid hole through Batman's' chest. Or is it un-solid hole, seeing as there was nothing there anymore? Oh well. Robin ran over and bent down near Batman's corpse.
"Holy chest wound, blood and gore Batman!" Robin said, stealing the caped crusaders wallet and bat belt. Shadow, temporarily forgetting that Robin wasn't a real bird, killed him too. The trigger-happy hedgehog rationalized that killing a man with no balls who ran around in underwear was doing the world a great service, as well as killing a "super hero" who frightened little children and criminals by dancing. Then Shadow heard a voice to his right.
"You know, you need help." JP Turkey said, who was running for mayor and handing out button pins that said 'Don't be a dick, vote for the cock!', and thus the best joke in this whole damn story isn't even mine, and instead belongs to some guy who wrote a Sonic fan comic on Sonic verse team. This story sucks.
So anyways, Shadow killed the turkey, stuffed it inside a gram cracker and brought it back to Sonic's house. The end.
Oh, wait. We need one more scene so Tails can get his head back. sigh fine.
"Guess what guys, I got a turkey!" Shadow shouted jubilantly while squeezing a duck like it was a blow-horn.
"Thanksgiving is saved!" Sonic said.
"Hooray!" Knuckles shouted.
"Fck yeah!" Tails bleated, his head miraculously restored.
"I'm not hungry anymore!" Shadow half-moaned, half-sang.
"Yeah! Wait, why not?" Sonic asked.
"Well, I had the ultimate hunger so I ate it on the way here." Shadow said.
"You don't have a turkey?! You little censored by JESUS!" Knuckles swore.
And so they all killed Shadow, ate his flesh, and slept with Amy behind Sonics back, including Sonic himself. It was an odd sight, the hedgehog hitting on Amy and watching for himself to come into the room. In the very end though, this story sucked and I decided to blow them all up with a can of "Get the Fck Off My Lawn"! Goodnight everyone, and happy Saint Elmo's day!
This story is dedicated to Mecha Scorpion, fellow Sonic humor fan fiction writer, who inspired me to write this. Wait, aren't dedications supposed to go at the beginning of the story? Aww crap…
P.S: Read and Review, puh-leeaze!