From the Author that brought to you, '150 Things I am not allowed to do in Hogwarts', CaramelBoost is proud to present the much talked-about one-shot: 'Padfoot's list of dating no-nos: 101'. I don't think it's as funny as my first one, but hopefully it'll make you laugh.
Summary: Remus is sick and tired of hearing girls complain about Sirius' lack of dating manners and curtsey, as well as appalled at his friend's vulgar attitude, and so comes up with a list. A list of things Sirius is banned from doing on his dates. One-shot. [Similar to my '150 Things I am not allowed to do in Hogwarts'
Dedication: To Milly… because I might not be done with the second chapter of 'Chasing Lily' before you leave… Sorry!! And to Michelle, because she loves Sirius more than anything else and is his own personal little fangirl. As am I. Squee. Also to my Camilla, who misses her Alex a lot… hopefully this will help, dearest! You are awesome!
On another note: Ana la ansake ya Palestine.
I won't forget you, Palestine.
Balls to Walls!
"Lupin!" A girl screeched somewhere along the hallway, and Remus ducked down to avoid the inevitable, "Lupin!"
"Yes?" He questioned, somewhat tentatively as she scrambled down the hallway, pushing a small First Year out of the way as she tried to get to him. "Is there anything I can help you with, Maureen?"
The girl in question scowled up at him, scrunching up her button nose and glaring at him with her dark-blue eyes, "Well at least someone here knows my name!" She put her hands on her hips and stared up at him, him being a good head taller than her. "Your friend, Black, doesn't seem to remember me at all! And you know what I find odd about that, Lupin?"
Remus rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly, "No, Maureen, I don't. Not really, anyway, though I have a vague idea of where you're taking this. What's Sirius done this time?"
"He forgot my name! He forgot my name, though we were on a date only two weeks ago!" She was still yelling, and he winced at her level of volume. How many times had he been through all this this week? How many girls could Sirius have possibly gone through and insulted? And if it were a lot, which it definitely appeared to be, how could these girls possibly still date him? The world was going to Hades, and this was a sign of it.
"I'm well and sorry about that, Maureen, but what would you like me to do about it? Give him a good talking-to? Make him apologize? Well, I've done the former, and that certainly doesn't work, and he probably won't even consider the latter. So what do you want me to do about it?"
Maureen sat still, biting her lip. Apparently, she hadn't thought past complaining to Remus. "Couldn't you, you know, ban him from doing it? You know… stop him or something?"
Remus snorted, "And do that, how? Sirius doesn't listen to anyone, least of all me, and he'd probably forget it all anyway. Any other ideas?"
"No, no, hear me out," She shook her head, dark curls bouncing, "What if this was all on some sort of list? Like, a list of things he can't do on his dates? Because believe me, while Sirius is one fine bloke, and his snogging skills are amazing, he is a sodding prat! And he'd have the list, so he couldn't say he simply 'forgot'," Here she used air quotes around the word 'forgot', "So what d'you say, Remus?"
Remus sighed, he'd do anything to get these girls off his back – why they weren't harassing James or Peter, he'd give anything to know – but he wasn't sure this plan would work. Just because Sirius knew the rules, it didn't mean he'd obey them; look at the school rules, and Filch's list of banned objects. He rubbed the bridge of his nose again, gazing at Maureen wearily through amber eyes. "Fine, I'll make him a list, but that doesn't mean he'll follow through with it, so don't go getting your hopes up."
Maureen squealed and nodded her head excitedly, "Deal." Before Remus could even begin to contemplate the consequences of what he'd done, she'd already run off to tell all her friends, and he was left to write that list and to go find Padfoot and explain things to him. Shaking his head, he went to the library and sat down, getting out a roll of parchment and trying to remember almost everything any girl had complained about Sirius' dating technique. Once that was over, which admittedly took a large portion out of his day which could have been put to better use (i.e studying), he went to go find Padfoot and set down the lay of the law.
He found the said Marauder on the Quidditch pitch, having just finished practice and was messing around with James. "Erm, Padfoot? We need to have a word." James and Sirius looked at each other with raised eyebrows at what they deemed Remus' "professor voice".
"Right, sure, Moony… what's all this about? You alright?" Sirius looked so calm, something he rarely did save for when he was with his friends and they were attempting to be serious – no over-used pun intended.
Remus stared at him for a long moment before saying, "No Padfoot, no I'm not. And it's because of you."
"Me? What'd I do? Listen Moony, if you're still on what happened with that goat, then I told you I'd turn it back to it's normal colour! And I've already apolo-"
He was cut off as Remus thrust a thick roll of parchment under his nose, "Read it. Out loud."
James and Sirius looked at each other again before settling down on the grass, setting their brooms beside them and getting themselves comfortable. "Alright Moony, but if this is something graphic, then I really don't want to know."
"Just read it!" Remus rolled his eyes heavenward, and sat down on the grass across from them.
Padfoot's List of Dating No-Nos: 101
1-I am not allowed to break into a random series of pirouettes as we make our way to the restaurant.
2- Nor may I burst into a set of army rolls.
3- I may not claim to be 'shagalicious', nor may I insist that my date "try me out".
4- I am not allowed to charm my hair to stick completely straight up, just so I can hide in the bushes and scare people as they walk past.
5- Nor may I randomly drop out of the trees onto unsuspecting victims for my pleasure, either.
6- I am not Austin Powers.
7- Nor will I ever be.
8- If I do not like my date, I am not allowed to claim that I'm gay and James is my fuck-buddy just so I can escape her clutches.
9- I am not allowed to ask my date if she's been 'naughty'.
10- Nor am I allowed to ask if she likes it 'rough'.
11- Referring to my date as my 'hump-buddy' is not permitted.
12- I may not stick my arms straight out, circle my date and make "airplane noises" just for laughs.
13- I am not allowed to ask my date for her parsley randomly throughout dinner.
14- Nor am I allowed to beg for her parsley, either.
15- I am not allowed to attempt to smoke said parsley once I get it.
16- Actually, I must stay away from all parsley, and not touch it at all.
17- I may not question everything she says, simply because she annoys me.
18- Nor may I do it even if she doesn't annoy me. I must remember that there are certain things I must accept, and not question.
19- I am not allowed to attempt to nibble on my date. That is what food is for.
20- I may not broadcast the fact that I'm a ninja in disguise.
21- Nor may I now complain how it's not a disguise anymore.
22- Finally, I am not allowed to mock her when she asks what a ninja is.
23- I may not, at any point, girlishly squeal and clap my hands together enthusiastically.
24- I am not allowed to ask, very seriously or no, whether her 'chain hangs low'.
25- I am not allowed to insist upon being referred to as, "Your Siriusness."
26- Nor am I allowed to insist upon being referred to as, "The Padfoot."
27- No, that was not a challenge.
28- My date is not my bitch.
29- I may not demand a badge that reads, 'Big Kahoona'.
30- Nor may I refer to everyone as, 'Follow of my Smexy Goodness'.
31- I am not allowed to begin conversations with, "So, I was scratching my crotch the other day and…"
32- I may not insult my date by saying, "Yo Momma looks like Voldemort!"
33- Nor may I follow it up with a "Ooh, burrrn" while flailing my limbs.
34- I am not allowed to randomly climb atop a table and belt out Whitney Huston's, "I Will Always Love You".
35- Nor am I allowed to sing it loud and out-of-key on purpose.
36- No, that was not a challenge.
37- I may not be Australian for a day just to confuse people.
38- I am not allowed to claim to be on crack. Nor am I actually allowed to be on crack.
39- I am also not allowed to accuse other people of being on crack.
40- I may not put chalk dust on my face and run around screaming, "I'm a crack-whore! I'm a crack-whore!"
41- No, that was not a challenge.
42- I am not allowed to inform people that their mothers do strange things with vegetables.
43- Nor am I allowed to say that I've "personally witnessed it" in a seductive whisper.
44- Nor am I allowed to murmur 'kinky' after it.
45- I am not allowed to hoot at random intervals.
46- Professor McGonagall is not my 'chick'.
47- Nor is she any other farm animal in reference to me.
48- I may not make any sexual comments concerning her, either.
49- I am not allowed to hold all the spoons hostage, claiming that if we get our meal for free, I'll let them go.
50- I am not allowed to threaten to pants her if she doesn't do my 'bidding'.
51- I may not tell her, very seriously or no, that Voldemort is my mother.
52- When asked a question concerning my preference, my response is not allowed to be, "Your dad does!"
53- I am not allowed to force her to watch endless amounts of Potter Puppet Pals.
54- Nor am I allowed to whine about how I'm not in them.
55- I am not allowed to randomly start yodeling at the top of my lungs.
56- I may not claim that my life's dream is to be an Alaskan Monkey Tamer.
57- Nor may I claim that she looks like she'd make a good Falafel Tester.
58- I am not allowed to tell my date that I drink to make people cuter.
59- Nor am I allowed to say this as I sit and take a swig of FireWhiskey.
60- I am not allowed to claim to be Professor McGonagall's bitch.
61- Nor am I allowed to claim to be Filch's bitch.
62- I may not tell my date that she looks like Homer Simpson on crack just to see what she does.
63- I am not allowed to run naked through the halls of Hogwarts.
64- Nor am I allowed to run naked through the streets of Hogsmead.
65- In fact, I am not allowed to go starkers anywhere, save the shower. And even that is questionable.
66- No, that was not a challenge.
67- I may not attempt to find out how many boiled eggs will fit in my mouth at the same time.
68- I am not allowed to show up to my date wearing a toga and sandals.
69- Nor may I claim to be Moses.
70- I am also not allowed to show up for my date wearing a giant cat costume.
71- Nor may I here claim to be 'spicing things up' for Mrs. Norris.
72- No, that was not a challenge.
73- I am not allowed to claim that Hagrid is my pimp, and that she must make an 'appointment' with him first.
74- I may not publicly accuse my date of espionage, and being a 'spy' for the 'other side'.
75- Nor may I accuse her of being a man.
76- I am not allowed to amuse my date with little-known facts about cheese.
77- Nor am I allowed to shower her with confetti as I do so.
78- I may not introduce myself as, "Black, Sirius Black" in what I can only imagine is a James Bond imitation.
79- I am not allowed to 'moo' as people pass by our table.
80- Nor am I allowed to clap.
81- I am not allowed to randomly develop a fear of lettuce.
82- Nor am I allowed to claim that it's ungodly green, and that that shade isn't natural.
83- I am not a Sex-God. I must remember this.
84- Nor am I 'God's gift to women'. I must remember this too.
85- I am not allowed to insist that I'm a Palestinian Guerrilla fighter bent on finding the Israeli spy. I must remember that saying that kind of thing will get me killed.
86- I may not publicly investigate how to make 'turtle noises'.
87- I am not allowed to tell everyone that laundry soap is for kids who can't afford crack.
88- I am not allowed to play up what a dark, tragic past I've had just to get in her pants. No matter how true it is.
89- I may not claim that my mum is Voldemort's sister.
90- Nor is she his lover. Because that is incest, and incest is frowned upon in most societies.
91- The phrase, "I create a party in her panties" is socially unacceptable. I may not use it.
92- I must remember that just because I have a penis, it doesn't mean I have to act like one.
93- I am not allowed to attempt to act "gangsta". Ever.
94- I may not make vulgar impersonations of Snape every time he turns his back.
95- Nor may I make these impersonations as he's looking at me.
96- I am not allowed to shriek at unnaturally high decibels just because my tea is too hot to drink.
97- I may not poke my date at random intervals for no reason.
98- Nor may I grin at her and say, "Was it good for you too?"
99- I am not a spider-monkey. I may not climb the walls of Hogwarts.
100- Nor may I do it naked.
101- No, that was not a challenge.
Sirius finished reading and looked up at Remus, "Uh, Moony? What's this?" He raised an eyebrow at him, and tossed the parchment aside.
Lunging at the parchment, Remus grabbed it and dusted it off. "Don't do that! It took me all afternoon to finish the bloody thing, you great prat."
"Yes, but what is the 'bloody thing', Moony?" James snickered, "Sounds like you've gone all 'Professor McGonagall' on us."
Rolling his eyes, Remus opened the parchment and held it out of reach for them to see. "This is a list of things you aren't allowed to do on your dates –"
"Yes, we can see that, you prat, we're not as dumb as Professor McGonagall thinks we are!"
"—as complained to me by your many, many dates. Professor McGonagall doesn't think you're stupid – how can she when you're second top in her class, Prongs? And Padfoot… well, she may think you're a little dim-witted –"
"-but she doesn't think you're stupid." Remus concluded, ignoring Sirius' previous interruption.
Sirius groaned and laid down flat on his back in the grass, "Fine, I'll ignore the 'stupid' comment, Moony, but what's with the stupid list?"
"It's not stupid, I've always said you need to respect women more!" Remus said, "And it wasn't my idea anyway."
Rolling his eyes, Sirius waved a hand vaguely in the air, "I do respect them! Just not as much as you seem to," he winked up at him from his place on the ground, "and who's idea was it, if not yours?"
"It was Maureen's idea."
"Who's?" Sirius sat up and shook the grass from his dark hair.
Remus rolled his eyes skyward, "Exactly! You don't even remember her name!"
"Maureen's! I just said her name! Do you even know who she is?" Remus nearly shrieked in his frustration, and kept on speaking, not even bothering to wait for Sirius' answer, "You dated her nearly two weeks ago? Ring a bell?" Sirius said nothing, but stared into space, "Think back."
"That'll take awhile," James laughed, "I don't think he's thought in awhile."
Sirius snorted and rolled over, "Sod off, I can think!" He turned to face Remus, "That Maureen bird… was she blonde?"
Rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly, Remus said, in a weary voice, "No."
Sirius made a little 'hmm' noise in the back of his throat, "Did she have curly brown hair?"
"Yes," Remus stopped rubbing his nose and turned to face Sirius, excitement evident in his voice.
"And weird, dark blue eyes? And sort of pouty-lips?"
"Yes, yes!" Remus nodded his head along enthusiastically, eyes bright, evidently hoping Padfoot had already learned his lesson.
Sirius nodded, apparently lost in thought. "Was this Maureen bird really, really short?"
Remus rolled his eyes, "I wouldn't say really, really short but yes, she was a bit… vertically challenged."
"Moony, no one says 'vertically challenged', she's short, not crippled." James laughed, for once content to occasionally join in on the conversation after having deemed it would be more amusing to just watch. The other two Marauders ignored him, though, and he was happy enough with it to just lay back and watch the show, propped up on his elbows.
Sirius made that 'hmm' noise again, and stared up at the clouds, letting the three fall into a lapse of silence. After what seemed like forever to Remus, he said, slowly, "We didn't date. She asked me if I'd wanted to go to The Three Broomsticks, I said sure, and by the end of the day, we'd ended up in a small closet on the third floor."
"Some would call that a date, Padfoot," Remus rolled his eyes, "As deranged, and somewhat twisted as that sounds, she probably assumed it was a date."
"Then that's her problem – I don't date. I thought everyone knew that. I have… flings," Here he smirked at Remus, who again rolled his eyes, "But it's not my fault she just assumed things."
Remus coughed and shook his head, knowing he was probably right. "Fine, fine, just next time Padfoot, let her know that."
Sirius smirked, and got up, picking up his broom, "Will do, Moony, mate."
As he and James made their way to the castle, they heard Remus shout from where they'd left him on the grass, "Oh, and Pads?"
Turning, he called back, "Yea?"
"Don't forget her name! It's the reason we started the whole bloody thing!"
Ok, ok, the whole thing was lame and I'm extremely disappointed with it. I'd been hoping it would have turned out much, much better than this and funnier too. Gah, that was so beggared up. Pooo. Oh well, I'm posting it for me because it's my birthday in, like, five days!
Sooo… Happy birthday to moi. :)
Review because you're wonderful and I'm afraid of potato shavings.