"Whisper" -whispering. I don't own Naruto.
I honestly didn't know what else to do with myself. I had tried to talk it out. I tried to burn it away by pounding relentlessly into trees. I had ran. I had done anything and everything possible to escape this route, but nothing worked.
The pain just wouldn't disappear.
The little crimson beads that ran down my arm and into the rusted kitchen sink brought me so much comfort it wasn't human. But I guess I wasn't. At least that was what the villagers said in much crueler words and tones. They told me I was nothing. A monster. A demon. They had since I was little.
And I believe them.
I believe them so very much. My wounds would heal inhumanly fast. I would have inhumanly power. I would, once pushed over the edge, turn inhuman. And it hurt. It hurt inhumanly.
I had to recut my arm, it was healing too fast. The fresh blood drops -- along with other old ones that stained the carpet -- followed me to the bathroom. It wouldn't matter. No one would enter the rut I lived in, in an unknown abandon apartment building at the very outskirts of Konoha. The area around me was abandoned and no one new of it.
I stripped and the sun set light came through the broken window and shown on me in the bathroom. I saw my body -- at least my upper half -- toned and covered with bruises caused by the villagers. They had pain too. And throwing rocks at me was better then doing what I did to myself. It didn't matter anyways. I wasn't human.
I watched the Kyuubi -- a monster inside a monster -- heal my bruises slowly. She had slowed since I first started my ritual. She was probably getting worn and tired trying to keep me alive. Why, I don't know. When I ask, she looks at me with pity and ignores me.
The skin on my arm stitched itself back together and I slipped it open with my knife for the third and last time of my nightly ritual.
My bruises looked like wilting black roses. My skin spotted everywhere with them and I couldn't help but think how pretty I looked. I really did. It was like a princess in a lovely rose covered gown. Except, I wasn't a princess, this was a body suit, not a gown. And -- the roses had thorns.
I looked at my arm. There wasn't a scar. There never was. There was no time for infection or bacteria to get into it. The blood still danced around my arm, dripping onto my leg. It painted me such a beautiful red. Lively, vibrant.
It disgusted me, being painted in such an alive color.
It doesn't matter anyways. It never does or will. I'll just grab my towel and clothes and wash myself in the river. Like always. No one new of the small stream by this abandoned rut of history. No one but the monsters, me and the Kyuubi. In fact the Kyuubi pointed it out to me because this was where she attacked long ago. It must of been easier for the villagers to just rebuild instead of repairing.
But that was okay.
It gave me a place to inhabit while I slowly die. I probably won't die in any other place. The first time I tried to kill myself I was saved by Sasuke. Why, I don't know and I hated him for it. I wanted to die. Why did he have to get in front of Haku's attack?
I had tried after that, but everyone saved me. Me the monster! They probably didn't want to regret it, I do have the face of a human. They probably couldn't live with themselves if they found out I was human and they didn't save me. It wouldn't of happened, I'm not human.
I had believed once, though. I had believe I had people who cared about me. I believed I should protect them because they like me. I believed once -- though only for a while -- that I was a little bit human. But I wasn't. There was no one who wished me to protect them. No people who wanted my love that I had given them.
The river was so clean. Clear, crystal blue, frosted over with snowy light from the moon. It was beautiful and in such purity, it needed to be tainted. To be tainted with demon blood. My blood. My inhuman blood.
It was cool to my body as I sat in the water --only my head sticking up. The sudden chill sent goosebumps over my naked body. The blood particles floated to the top and drifted with the current. I felt the urge to cry -- like every night I came hear -- but I was out of tears. My heart may of hurt, with all the rejection and hate, but not even all my tears could ever make it go away -- so they stopped.
I could scream. Yell. Sob. But there would be no tears. My guess is that monsters only have few tears, and once you've cried and used the tears, you get no more. Demons can't make tears, I thought, Stupid, they're given as a privilege and you used it up.
I sat and contemplated over my so much wanted relief of life and someone came to my mind. Sasuke. Uchiha, Sasuke. The first person to ever save me. I wonder if that's the reason I stuck to him. He certainly hated me like everyone, but he also put up with me. Me and my annoying high pitched voice and my so called 'never give up' attitude.
But that didn't tell me why my stomach pleasantly dropped every time I was around him. Or how it would feel sick when he kissed his 'lover' trying to convince himself he was straight.
He wasn't. It was obvious to me. Painfully so. He would flinch when a girls breast pressed against him. The paling of his face when he had to buy girly things to soothe the girl. Or how he just couldn't get turned on by the naked women in the picture magazines when he stared at him and imagined them doing things to him. He would huff and turn away.
I remember the rally earlier when the latest 'lover' broke the relationship off after not having sex with him in the past four months they had been dating or never smiling. It was funny. I'd seen him smile. A lot. When we went training he he would smile when he offered his drink to me since I didn't have one, or when he breaks up with someone and I go to his house and hold him, he would smile and thank me.
My heart fluttered at the thought he might only smile at me. The wonderful sexy smile that was so protecting and everything I'd ever wanted from a person. Except love. And the protection wasn't mine either -- it just showed what he could do, that smile of his.
I hadn't known I was crying -- or that I could -- until a strong, dry, warm hand touched my cheek and made the flow drip over the fingers. I didn't open my eyes. I didn't want it to be as unreal as I was inhuman. The feeling was so warm and comforting. I wanted to place my hands over the imaginary one but I was too scared I wouldn't feel the warm hand there, and I wouldn't be crying.
Oh god, how I wish that hand was there and I was crying.
Another hand was placed on my other cheek. It was so comforting, it was almost torture. The hallucination was everything I wanted. I didn't want it to be here. I wanted to stop wanting it. Wanting this. Wanting to want. Just wanting. Period.
I placed my cold, wet, pruny hands on the rather larger hands. They were there. The hands. I could feel my crying worsen and my body racked with sobs. I opened my eyes. Sasuke was there. His eyes were looking into mine. Those handsome black chocolate eyes.
"I wish you were real." I whispered. I really truly did.
"What if I was?" He whispered back. His eyes shifted. I wished they hadn't. They made my pulse stop.
"It's to good to happened to me." I answered. I knew it wasn't possible. I wasn't going to think it was.
"Why?" He wanted to know. I wouldn't lie. It wouldn't matter. He couldn't be here. He didn't know where I lived. Or where I bathed. Or even what I did in my time alone. He shouldn't know anyways. He'd hate me even more, because he would know.
"Because I'm a monster." My response silenced him. I waited for him to disappear. He didn't. He stood -- naked -- and brought me up with him.
"Then I guess I am, too." He wasn't a monster, so I detached my self from my wanting.
I looked at the moon. It was nearly all the way up in the sky. I had been here awhile. I was probably asleep in the water. I wondered if I would drown. When standing, the water only came to mid thigh, but the bank came a few inches above my waist. It was dry season. The water was low, but I was sitting and only my head peeked from the water.
Sasuke came from behind me and sat me on the bank facing him. He kept his arms around my waist and stood in between my legs. He was taller then me so the bank came a little lower then his waist. I felt inferior.
"No, no you're not." I whispered back. He wasn't. He was human. He had human things. Friend -- people who supposedly cared about you, lovers -- people who supposedly think you above else, and he didn't do the things I do to myself.
"Then neither are you." He said back. I wished he was right. I really really truly wish he was right. "My latest ex told me something when I claimed I wasn't gay, 'Denial isn't just a river in Egypt'."
That made me giggle. That was an old one. Kiba used to say it all the time when I told him I loved Sakura. Now, I think he knew something about monsters like me that I didn't know. That I still don't know.
His smile made the blood stop in my veins. It was so warm and I suddenly felt so cold. So cold because I didn't deserve that smile. That wonderful, handsome smile of his.
"No." I didn't know what else to say. I looked away. I felt cornered and the need to with drawl and back away. 'I don't deserve his smile' I repeated in my head.
"Naruto..." He said. His hands placed themselves around my neck and made me look at him. He was sad, concerned and I didn't see why. His fingers massaged my neck. I knew what he was looking for. I place my fingers on his and placed them over that spot.
He looked so sadly at me, but he pressed down on the spot and my eyes shut into darkness.
When I awoke, I was buried in my own bed of nothing but pillows and blankets. It was cool and rainy outside. I snuggled more into my bed, the dream running distinctly through my mind.
It had all felt so real. The pain, the warmth. But it wasn't. I had fallen asleep sometime in which I couldn't remember -- naked -- and I had woke up in my rut with water dripping into containers from the broken roof making that soothing lullaby of drip-drop-drip.
I didn't have anything to do today. I didn't care. Just like everything else, it didn't matter. I just laid there. I felt so isolated. The rain made the perfect barrier. I wondered if I would go outside and dance in the puddles naked and sing 'Rain rain, come and play!' I think that would be fun.
But I guess I don't deserve fun.
Someone shifted behind me. It's probably one of the wolves or foxes that sometimes enter the rut and sleep with me if it's raining hard, like it is. I don't think they hate me too much. Which made me kind of happy. Happy...
I must be in a good mood.
I wonder what it was. Maybe it was my dream, maybe it gave me hope. No. There is hope but hope is only wishing for good and wishes never come true. Not on the first star you see at night or on the seeds of a dandelion. Not on a shooting star and not on a coin thrown into a fountain.
"Eep!" I yipped as someone took my blanket covered body and wrapped it in their strong hold. It was Sasuke's. I knew his hands anywhere. The pale skin that covered them was one of a kind and he was wearing the bracelet that had 'Sasuke Bastard' carved into it that I got him for his birthday. For some reason he always wore it when he wasn't on a mission.
I shifted in his arms to look at him. He looked back at me. He was smiling. Which was nice, and my whole body heated and blushed. His arms around my waist felt really good. Warm, protective. There was something in his eyes that I had never seen before and he looked really happy.
"Morning, Dobe. Your house sucks." He said. His eyes shifted trying not to look at the blood stain trail to the bathroom. So he figure it out. Well, supposedly he was a genius and I guess it wasn't really hard to. I'm pretty sure I left my bloodied knife on the kitchen sink.
"I know." I said. I didn't try to be the idiot I usually tried to be. He had seen. He knew. Didn't matter after last night. If this is even real.
There was silence and I detached myself from Sasuke and I got up to the kitchen. Yeah. The knife was still there and looking so tempting. So very tempting. I picked it up and wiped the crusted blood on my thigh and I pressed to hard and unpurposely broke the skin. I couldn't say accident. I had done it so much it couldn't seem like an accident when I hurt myself.
I placed the tip on the top of my arm. A speckle of blood formed and dripped down. I started to drag it across, but Sasuke stopped the knife and pricked it from my fingers.
"No no no." He cooed as if talking to a child playing with a toy that it wasn't supposed to. His face was soft and he had this sad smile. He didn't look at me he just took the knife and placed it in the sink. I didn't understand. He dragged me to the bathroom and took a towel and wiped the blood from my arm.
I looked at both our naked reflections in the broken mirror. He seemed almost happy he was here with me and stopping me from doing this to myself. But I didn't understand.
"Tsunade wants to see you. She's pretty pissed off you didn't tell her where you're new living space is. She seems worried." He said just for conversation. He never did that, unless he was sad. Or he could be so used to my non stop ranting that it seemed eerily quiet around me now.
He wiped my thigh then he rubbed my arm again.
I looked around. The shower was condemned with roof and wood. The tub was to the brim with mucky water. The rest of the space had leaking holes in the ceiling and mold sprouting up the walls. Now and then bugs would crawl across the floor, I remembered. The windows wouldn't shut and the foxes and wolves would come in in the middle of the night when it rained and slept with me. The pipes were rusted and other then the stream a little away out side I had no source of water.
"Would you let me live here?" I asked.
He rubbed my arm with the towel more even though the wound and blood was gone. The sensation warmed and burned my skin. He stopped and put the towel down. He stroked my rather small arm with his particularly large hand. The touch was cool and soothing to the burning sensation he had caused.
"No." He said.
"What did Tsunade want me for?" I asked.
He he was silent but he didn't let go of my arm. All of a sudden white scars started to show on my skin. All the cuts I've ever inflicted upon myself showed. The lovely white scars I'd never thought I'd ever get to see. Sasuke gently caressed them. Tracing each one carefully with his fingers.
"I don't know, she never told me. Put some clothes on and we'll go together." He said and went to go dress. I felt like crying again and tears came from my eyes. It scared me. This ability to cry when I hadn't been able to for so long.
Sasuke dressed and then brought me my clothes. He pushed my tears away and placed my shirt on the chipped counter. He held open my pants. I supposed he wanted me to step in them. I placed my hands on his brute shoulders and slipped my legs in one at a time.
Sasuke pulled my pants to my waist. I felt like a little kid. I guess. I had seen parents do the same thing to children in movies. I held my arms up. He took my shirt and pulled it over my head. We walked to the entrance which was a large squared of missing building. But it wasn't that big. I was surprised he could get through there with me.
I think I'm starting to believe this is real. We put our sandals on and we walked at a normal pace towards the village. The silence was comfortable for the most part. I liked it. At least until we got to the village.
The village was quiet when we entered, I wondered why. They made way for us and watched with respectful eyes. It freaked me out and I wondered if I had missed something. Yesterday, like everyday, their eyes held wanting for my death now...now they didn't.
By the time I got to the tower I had been congratulated by Kiba, Hinata and Sakura. I had been attacked by Gai and Lee while they were on their way back from training and was given a 'youthful' lecture and I had been glomped by Konohamaru and his friends. I looked at Sasuke, but he ignored me.
When I got there I found out why. And I understood a lot more about the sudden change in attitude and the congrats from my everyone.
"Naruto Uzumaki. You are the next Hokage." Tsunade said. Which surprised me. Me, the monster who had the monster that destroyed the village inside of me, was going to be Hokage.
I didn't know what to do. So I asked "Why?"
Tsunade was surprised. She looked at me so intently it seemed she almost saw through me. Not almost. She did.
"Naruto," She said. "You aren't a monster. I don't know how you came to believe so, but you are going to be the next Hokage, Hokage's orders."
My wish, the one I had as a kid had came true. Which, in my book wasn't possible. "It's not possible."
"Of course it is." She said and sat up. "You get to sit in a tower all day doing paper work."
She laughed and said "Poof," and people jumped out of nowhere and shouted 'congrats' and threw streamers. I ran.
I jump from my seat and ran away. Out of the office. Out of the building. Back to my supposed to be secret rut. Sasuke was there. He had left me at the tower and now he was here.
"Congrats," he said and I scrambled into my home. I buried my self in my 'bed' on the corner of the room and I froze. It was the first time I called this place my home. Either way, I was not coming out.
"Dobe," Sasuke oxymoroned happily, softly, quietly. He pulled my feet from under the covers. "At least take your shoes off."
He lifted the blankets and crawled under with me. I was quiet and refused to look at him. I didn't know what to feel. Everything I had been brought up with in my life was washed by the rain this morning. He hugged me.
"I guess it isn't a good time to ask you out, huh?" I spun around at him. What? What had he said? "Actually, I was going to ask you marry me, since when I went to get the engagement ring carved I accidentally put 'Will you marry me, Naruto' instead of Rikku."
He placed his hand in his pocket and took out the white gold ring. It had a lovely orange opal buried in it with light blue gems around it. It was pretty. Beautiful. But it sent my head spinning. I didn't understand or know what to do anymore. So I wasn't a monster? Then what was I?
"It didn't fit Rikku. It was too big anyways." Sasuke said and placed it on my finger. It fit perfect.
After that everything is jumbled. I remember saying yes for lack of another word and I remember crying into his chest. I remember going back to the tower and apologized. I remember her taking me into the public and handing me the robes and Sasuke taking my waist and shouting we were getting married. Which I was still confused on the subject since he had just broken up with his ex.
And I remembered kissing him the best. The others cheered and teased us, telling us to get a room in hearty laughter. And we did.
Sasuke took me too my home. He stripped me and pleasured me. My skin prickled from his touches and he crossed boundries when I felt comfortable and had let the whole thing sink in.
After that I started to believe more and more that I was human too.
Yeah It was weird and crappy I know but hey I'm a loser with a K.