TITLE - InequalityAUTHOR - herowlness
RATING - PG13 (with a warning for sex references and language)
SUMMARY - Not all drugs are created equal, or five drugs Corny never took.
DISCLAIMER - Not mine.
THANKS - to Sarah-P for encouraging this little crack!ficlet and betaing, so I could indulge my pharmacy background.
ADDITIONAL NOTES - Using the following drugs as outlined here is not recommended.

ORTHO-NOVUM 1/35 TABS – This medicine is a contraceptive pill used to prevent pregnancy.

He's seven years old and very mad at his mom. When they were at Albertson's earlier that day, she refused to buy him any Pez. He loves Pez – more than anything else in the world. And that even includes Pinky, his new goldfish, and he spent months begging and pleading for a fish, so that means a lot.

Sulking, he wanders into his parents' bedroom because he knows that his mom has some candy in the table by her bed. They come in a green package, and the dispenser isn't much of anything like Pez. Still he needs his Pez, and he doesn't really have any other choice.

After rifling around in her drawer – pastel underwear and shiny square packets tossed aside – he finally stumbles upon the small plastic dispenser. Eureka!

He eats one and then another and then another, popping them out of the container and into his mouth as quick as he can. They have a slight sweet taste, but aren't nearly as good as his Pez. He feels cheated.

He wants his Pez. He was wrong to think that anything else would do.

FLONASE NASAL SPRAY - This medicine is a corticosteroid nasal spray used to treat itching, sneezing, congestion, and runny nose due to allergy and other causes.

He hates springtime. Stupid fucking allergies making his nose run and his eyes get all red and itchy. And now? Of course now his ears are ringing and pulsing and making him want to just tear them off, just to make them stop.

He knows that his stupid fucking allergies have worked their way into his ears. If he doesn't do something soon, he'll be honking sneezes out his ears.

There's only one thing he can do, really. Rustling around in his backpack, he removes a green-capped medicated spray and removes the cover determinedly. He shakes it vigorously – like he was told – and quickly angles the nozzle of the spray bottle into his left ear. He depresses the spray top once and tilts his head, so that gravity will make the medication move to kill the allergies faster.

It feels cold and sticky as it trickles slowly down his ear canal, and he misses the fast rush of adrenaline he gets when he usually uses this medication. He knows that snorting drugs is bad, but when he inhales the nasal spray the normal way, he feels like he's doing something wrong.

He likes that feeling of being a bad boy, more than he ever thought he would.

PROPECIA 1MG TABLETS - This medicine is an androgen hormone inhibitor used to treat male pattern hair loss.

He hates looking in the mirror almost as much as he hates having to take this red-orange pill every morning.

He runs his left hand over the curve of his now-bare scalp, and he misses his unruly brown curls. He's no longer Corny – the cool, fun dude. Now he's Douglas Cornelius – the poor, pathetic kid who went bald senior year of high school.

He should have known that this was coming. One of the reasons he kept his hair so long for so many years was to help hide his rapidly-receding hairline. Add to that the fact that his mom and dad have both needed to wear wigs for as long as he can remember, and he really should have figured that his own hair wasn't long for this world.

It's just that he loved his hair – and not only because he was the only one in his family who still had their own hair. It was so perfect and curly and totally suited his personality. But now?

Now his hair is thinning rapidly, and these stupid pills are supposedly his only hope.

LOVENOX 0.6ML SYRINGE - This medicine is an anticoagulant used to prevent the formation of harmful blood clots that may result from surgery, or in patients who may be at risk of forming blood clots due to their medical condition. It may also be used with aspirin to prevent complications following a heart attack, or with warfarin to treat certain types of blood clots that have already formed.

He wonders if everyone else who has to inject this medication hates it as much as he does.

Of course, most people don't like needles. These are the same stupid people who don't know how fucking awesome it can feel to stick liquid dreams into their bodies.

He thinks sometimes that maybe if he hadn't been experimenting with heroin over the past few weeks, it wouldn't be such a letdown when he sticks himself with the syringe and only feels the cool liquid moving into his bloodstream.

He knows that drugs haven't fucked him up. He's too smart for that.

Still, he's pretty sure that because of those drugs, he has unreasonable expectations about what will happen whenever he sticks himself with a needle.

VIAGRA 100MG TABLETS - This medicine is a phosphodiesterase inhibitor used to treat sexual function problems such as impotence or erectile dysfunction. In combination with sexual stimulation, this medicine works by helping the blood flow into the penis to achieve and maintain an erection.

Fuck YES.

Corny is thankful for so many things in his life. For Gordy, his supplier. For Sarah Paquette, the deliciously erotic brunette whose hair is currently falling over his pantsless crotch. And – most of all – the perfect purple pill he popped about an hour ago that lets him fully enjoy this experience.

Yeah, drugs really are fucking awesome.

He knows Sarah from his god-awful mind-numbingly boring Antartican history class, and he means "knows" in a very general way. He knows her in the sense that he vaguely recognized her from somewhere when they saw each other earlier that night in the smoky campus bar.

He doesn't go out drinking that often, preferring to spend his evenings in his own apartment where he can enjoy thrills that aren't quite as possible in such a public location.

But if he had known that going out to the bars would result in meeting such a beautiful, fuckable woman, he would have spent a lot more time in bars over the past few months.

Fuck, he thinks, his mind overcome with sensation as her lips kiss him gently, causing him to jerk involuntarily in response.

Does life get any better than this?

Thanks for reading! Feedback (compliments or concrit) is greatly appreciated for this drugged-out crackfic. )