Okay, I know. I should be working on A Pirate-y Story. But I got the inspiration for this, and…it popped out of my fingers!

Disclaimer: I do not own other PotO or Labyrinth, which are the two movies represented here. This sadly means I do not own David Bowie or Gerard Butler. Even though David Bowie has an amazing voice, and Gerard Butler has amazing abs. And a Scottish accent. And…oh, also no owning of any songs I use. No owning of anything I use period. Just one character, and that should be pretty obvious.

Warning- Um…hot guys going over fan mail? Oh, I know! Fan-girl poking!

Fan Mail

"Hey, Jareth! Get a load of this one! 'I wish you could sing me to sleep every night, and when I wake up you'll be by my side. Then my dreams would come true.' Girls!"

The Goblin smirked, gloved fingers moving deftly to open another envelope. He had a pile of fan mail at least as big- if not bigger- than the pile currently sitting in front of Erik. He pulled the letter out, and scanned it quickly.

"That's got nothin' on this, Phantom-boy. 'JarethI'd run your Labyrinth anyday! If I win, can I have you…for a week?' Honestly, these girls think that I put out for just anyone!" He tossed that letter into his growing 'rubbish' pile, picking up the next letter on the pile.

"'My pain, your thrill. I wanna love you but I better not touch. I wanna kiss you but I want it too much. I wanna taste you but your lips are endless poison.' Apparently someone's into Alice Cooper…or at least thinks I am. You ever been serenaded by a song that tells you you're 'Poison'?'

Erik propped his feet up on his own 'rubbish' pile, a long-stemmed wine glass in his gloved hand.

"Ha! Even better, my friend with the mask! I am being serenaded with Britney Spears! 'My loneliness is killing me. I must confess, I still believe (still believe) when I'm not with you I lose my mind.' What a slut."

"Jareth! You will not insult anyone, not even Britney Spears, in my ficcie. Savvy?"

Jack Sparrow pops into being between the two sex gods. He looks down at himself, and goes, " Oh, bugger," before snapping his fingers, and remaking himself as a short, somewhat plump red-head with glasses. She wears long, flare-legged jeans and a black tank top under an oversized black button-up shirt..

"Sorry 'bout tha'. I wuz in characta fo' A Pah-rate-y Storay, an' forgot t' change. Jareth, love, remember th' 'no abuse' rule?" The girl speaks in a Southern accent. She adjusts her black-rimmed glasses, pointing a long feather quill at the Goblin King.

"Rules? The only rules I follow are the rules for my Labyrinth, Authoress." He smirked at her, clicking his fingers to disappear. The Authoress smiled, and reclined on a squashy chintz arm chair that was there when she sat down. She twirled the feather quill, which morphed into a black pen. Black pens are ever so much more sensible than quills. For goodness sakes.

"What've you done?" Jareth stared at her, unable to believe it. He had been unable to disappear. It was the first time ever he had not been able to do as he willed. He didn't quite like the sensation.

"Just chained you to Erik's lair- by the way, thanks, lad- by the very clever means of a keyboard and my keen imagination. That's all." She stuck the pen behind her ear, looking very odd. She gave the impression of a very smug cat, which was odd, for the Authoress was indeed a bird person.

"WHAT?" Erik jumped to his feet, outraged. "You have used my lair as a base? I would not believe it of you."

He made to stalk off, but the Authoress swiftly began to type. Suddenly, he halted, unable to go any farther.

"You forget. You're in my world now. I just love doing this, but I gotta go. Now go back to your fan mail. I've left you something."

With that cryptic remark, she vanished, taking her chair with her. When she left, so did the strangeness, Jareth was back on his throne, draped across it bored, and Erik was reclining in a chair.

"Hey- this was not here a second ago." Erik picked up an envelope on top of the pile. It was a pale blue envelope, but the stationary inside was blood red. It had elegant, silver cursive on it.

Think that those fan girls before were nuts? Thou hast not yet met the fan girl that which is me. I own you. I own you! I OWN YOU!!!

'Signed, the Authoress'

Erik looked at the note, and pointed to the disclaimer.

"No you don't, Authoress-lady. You already said that you don't own me." His gloved hand fell from pointing at the disclaimer to pointing at the letter again. It read something totally different.

'Is that so? How silly of me. Well, I'm borrowing you for the moment anyways, so I can do whatever I want with you. And you can't stop me. lol'

Jareth looked up- he was reading the same exact letter.

"Any idea what 'lol' means?" he asked Erik, eyebrows shooting towards his hairline.

"I DO." The voice was deep, and impressive. It scared the living bejeebers out of Erik and Jareth though.

"Er, what does it mean? And who are you?" It was Erik who spoke, the one side of his face that could be seen confused.


Erik and Jareth looked at each other, and Jareth was about to speak when Erik glanced the note again. The message had changed once more.

'She's right. I am taunting you. But you have to admit, it's pretty fun, yes? By the way, Erik? Don Juan is sexy.'

Jareth smirked, and looked over at Erik. His gloved fingers crushed the paper, and with a flick turned it into three of his trademark crystals.

"That one can run my Labyrinth anytime she wants. What do you think, Erik?"

Erik had turned from his companion, and was doing something. When he turned back, Jareth saw that he had changed his mask from the half face white mask to a full black mask that extended from his eyebrows to his upper lip. A mask that would be perfect for the Phantom's opera 'Don Jaun Triumphant', infact.

"I think it's time to go seduce a lady."

Jareth smiled, and tossed him a crystal.

"My sentiments exactly."

Authoress's corner- No, it's the really authoress this time. How'd you like my character? Pretty awful, huh? Yeah, she's like that. You should see what she does in PaBTH (Putting a Bishi Through Hellfire). It's even more fun there. I went for humour and strangeness. Totally a oneshot. Can you see anyone sitting through more of this bollocks? That what it is- complete and utter bollocks. Eh. Tell me what you think? Will love you forever.