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Every cliché you ever read and a few more besides. Parody. Everybody's OOC. The known facts of the Meyer universe are turned upside down. (And yes, I'm not afraid to include some of my own stories when it comes to parody.) This is for Taxi, who knows that Bella and Edward can't have a baby and wishes everyone else knew it, too.
Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a fabulous beta. And for asking how Rosalie knew…well, just wait for it.
by silly bella
I peered around the room at five curious faces staring intently at me. What were they doing here? Who, exactly, were they, and how did I know them? And why were they looking at me like that? What was I doing here? For that matter, who was I? And more importantly, why was I so very thirsty? Then came the explosions, the shriek.
"Shut that kid up!" muttered the tall guy with blond hair.
One of the women, tiny and with dark hair, disappeared silently and returned in the blink of an eye with a screaming baby. "I'm trying. Nothing works. Whenever I give him a pacifier, he shreds it with his teeth."
The kid looked too young to have teeth, but clearly, there were some canines on him. He had fangs!
One of the men stepped nearer. He was handsome. Well, all of these people were handsome. Or beautiful. The man furrowed his brows, "Bella?"
"Is that my name?" I wondered aloud.
"Yes, you're Bella," the man said gently.
I raised my eyebrows. So I was Bella. Hmmm… "And who are you?"
"Carlisle. Carlisle Cullen. I'm a doctor," he smiled sweetly, in an almost fatherly way. But he didn't look like anybody's dad. All of these people looked like models. Except the baby. Come to think of it, he kind of looked like that baby on the Gerber's jars, so I guess he looked like a model, too. "Do you remember any of us?"
"Not a clue," I said, shaking my head. "I'm really thirsty."
The man sighed. "Yes, about that – "
A big, brawny guy ran into the room and interrupted him. "I know where Edward went."
"Who's Edward?" I asked.
They all stared at me like I had three heads. "It's worse than we thought," said the little one holding the baby. "She doesn't even remember Edward."
"Who's Edward?" I repeated.
"Our son," said the woman with caramel-colored hair. She glanced at the doctor. When she said 'our' she must have meant him.
"The father of your child." The doctor's voice was stern.
The big one turned to the beautiful blonde and whispered loud enough for me to hear, "I told him he should have used condoms! If he had listened to me, this would never have happened!"
It was hard to bring my attention back to what the doctor had said. "My child? MY child?" I didn't know much, but I was pretty sure I didn't have a child.
The woman, the one who was apparently married to the doctor, moved to my side and put her arm around me. "Yours and Edward's. And don't worry, Emmett seems to have found him."
"He's – "
"How did I end up with a baby?" I screamed.
This time, it was the beautiful blonde who answered. "Well, it's like this, the woman produces the egg. The man produces the sperm. Unless, of course, he's a vampire, then he produces venom. I don't know what happened with Edward. He's a vampire, so he shouldn't be able to have kids. But he was a virgin. He must have had some sperm left in there from when he was human. None of us can figure it out. But anyway, back to the sperm and the egg – "
"I know how sperm and eggs work. What I want to know is how did I end up with a baby? I would remember being pregnant, I think." What was wrong with these people? Why was this blonde woman talking about vampires? Maybe she was crazy. Was I in a psyche ward? And to top it all off, I was so thirsty. I would kill for a drink.
The tall blond guy elbowed the brawny one who kept trying to talk. "She said she'd remember being pregnant. Notice, she didn't say anything about remembering sleeping with Edward. We can tease him about that when he comes home," he snickered.
"Hey, this is serious. Don't you hear me?" the big guy said. "Edward's gone to the Volturi!"
"Who are the Volturi?" Apparently I was missing a lot of information.
The little one holding the baby shook her head. "How could I miss something like that? It must have been one of those split second decisions."
The hot doctor sighed. "But why would Edward want the Volturi to kill him? We've been through this before."
"The baby. He was running from the baby." The leonine blond guy shuddered. A sudden revulsion filled me. "The noise. The smells. He's a vampire. He's not supposed to need diapers. No wonder Edward ran off to the Volturi."
"Remind me; who's Edward?" I was having trouble keeping up.
"The father of your child," the pretty blonde spoke up.
"Are you sure about that?" I asked, still incredulous.
She raised her eyebrows. "Is there something you forgot to tell us, Bella? It would explain things."
"Rosalie, stop that! Of course the baby is Edward's. He looks just like him. All that bronze hair." The tiny one chided the statuesque blonde. She held the baby above her head. "You love your Auntie Alice, don't you, Trey?"
"Trey?" I repeated. "I named my baby Trey?"
"No," the one they called Rosalie spat out. "You named him Edward. He's a third. Third. Three. Trey. It's a nickname. Emmett picked it out. And yes, Alice, I know the kid is Edward's." She leaned towards me. "Not only does he look like him, but he can read minds, the little bastard. But he has no clue what any of it means. Edward said it was like an echo, the baby just repeating everything any of us thought."
"Does anybody have anything to drink? I am so thirsty." Really, my throat literally burned. If I didn't get something to drink soon, I'd go crazy.
The beautiful doctor sighed. "Yes, about that – "
"Listen to me," the big guy shouted. "Edward didn't go to talk the Volturi into killing him. He went to join them!"
"What?" the woman with the doctor exclaimed. "Not Edward. He'd never join the Volturi."
"It's all right Bella," the girl with the baby cooed. "We'll take care of you and Trey until Edward comes to his senses. In fact, I'd like to take you shopping. And the baby. Let's take the baby shopping!"
"Who are you again?" I asked, still unable to tell these people apart by their names.
"I'm Alice. Your best friend. Edward's sister. Trey's aunt," she babbled on and on.
I narrowed my eyes and looked around me at the rest of them. "How do I know you people?"
"We're your family, Bella," pleaded the woman who kept calling this Edward guy son.
The burly guy added, "And we're vampires, not people. And since that baby bit you three days ago, just before he was born, you're a vampire, too."
"Let me get this straight. I had a vampire baby by a vampire who disappeared to join a group of people called the Volturi. Since he's a vampire, we weren't really supposed to have a baby, but we did anyway. The baby bit me en utero when I went into labor and now I'm a vampire. I don't know who you people are, but I have to take your word for it?" This just didn't sound right. I was clearly in a mental institution. I looked around for a nurse or an orderly. If I could find one, maybe I could get something to drink. Then it hit me. Do they put babies in mental wards? I reconsidered. "And this Edward. Why is he gone?"
The blonde shook her head. "Who knows. None of us can figure him out. You knew what was going on with him before the little bastard bit you, but since then, well, you've been changed into a vampire and you don't remember diddly. The last time he went to Volterra, you saved him. I guess that means a trip to Italy."
"I've been needing some new shoes. Can we shop while we're there?" What was it with that little one and shopping?
I crossed my arms. "I'm not doing anything until I get something to drink. A glass of milk maybe?"
"Yes, about that – "
It was the doctor again, but the blonde interrupted him, "Forget the milk. Not even the baby wants milk."
"What do you mean? I'm thirsty!" When were these people going to listen to me? I needed something to drink.
"What she – what we're trying to say is that you don't drink milk. Or water. You need blood," the doctor explained patiently.
There was nothing patient about my response. "Blood?" I shouted. "You expect me to drink blood?" I glanced around the room. "You people have carried this vampire joke too far. Or maybe this is a dream. Yes, a dream. I'm going to wake up any minute now. Or maybe I need to go to sleep in the dream to wake up." We were, after all, in a bedroom. I curled up on the bed and shut my eyes.
As I drifted into sleep, I heard the blonde one whine, "She can sleep? That is so not fair. Does that mean she won't get dark circles?"
The doctor answered, "Maybe that's her gift."