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The Troubles of an Evil Overlord

Right, that's it! I can't take much more of this! This lot are not normal!

I really didn't think this whole 'being leader of an evil organization' thing through, did I? These guys, just… fucking hell! Let's take it one at a time, shall we?

Itachi. Is the man completely dead inside? It wouldn't kill him to crack a smile once in a while, even a small one. Hell, any kind of facial expression! It's not as if he has Sasori's excuse either. And he never talks unless he absolutely has to. I used to think he was a bit shy really but actually now I reckon he's just boring as shit. He takes himself far, far too seriously. I bet he's still a virgin. That would explain a lot. Like how he's going blind, hahaha!

Kisame's just a nutcase. We all like a good scrap, yeah, but he takes it way too far. Some things are just plain uncalled for in any circumstances. And I've got nothing against the odd drink or five, like a nice bit of sake myself, but he's hammering it nearly every night! And he gets really weird when he's drunk. Singing awful 'sea shanties' (that sound more like he's made them up on the spot) and going on about how you're such a great guy and he's going to peel off your face if you look at him like that again. He's probably the most normal one out of the lot of them as well!

Sasori. Could he possibly be any more condescending and up his own arse? Does he think I can't tell he secretly thinks I'm just a stupid kid and he could run things so much better? Bollocks could he. He doesn't know about anything except those sodding puppets. Always locked up faffing with them. What's he really doing in there, I ask you? And the way he's made himself into a puppet is not big or clever, it's just plain creepy. 'Ooh my art lasts forever, I will never die like my beautiful art!' Pretentious tosspot. I'd laugh my arse off if he got killed. Except then I'd be a man down. Damn.

Deidara's another nutter. He's just plain out of control. I can hear things exploding and hysterical laughter coming from his room right now. I hope he keeps it in there for once! In a minute he'll probably be screaming and raging about nothing. And why does he have to flirt with everything like that? Hitting him for it doesn't do a thing, if anything it makes him worse! He seems to like it. What is that all about? He's confusing. I wish he'd go away.

Zetsu. Oh sweet fucking Kami he eats people. If I'd known I'm not so sure I'd have recruited him. I hope he sticks to scavenging and doesn't decide he'd like his meat fresher…and still wriggling. I'll never get any sleep then. He keeps leaving odd fingers and such lying about. They are not pleasant things to find when you're drunk and half-asleep!

Kakuzu is one stingy bastard, I'll tell you that for free. I do not need someone going on and on about how I spend organization funds that technically ARE MINE! What with me being leader! IN CHARGE! Because I FOUNDED Akatsuki! If the sneaky fucker tries to get me to give him control of the Akatsuki accounts one more time I swear I will shove the whole lot so far up his arse he chokes on it. See how he likes it then.

Hidan is a disrespectful cock, that's all. How dare he speak to me like that? I'm the FUCKING LEADER! I feed, clothe and pay him and he's just plain ungrateful. He thinks he can do anything he likes just because no one will be able to kill him. Well there's worse things than dying! He should just wait. One of these days…

What the hell was that? Sounded like a drowning cat…Oh, it's just Tobi singing.

AND WHO THE HELL LET TOBI IN? I must have been on drugs or something. He acts like an idiot. Come to think of it he hasn't shown me any evidence that he's not an utter moron yet. And that stupid mask is bad for my indigestion, because it enrages me every time I see it! He does bugger all to help with Akatsuki work and he's just generally useless.

Ugh, Orochimaru. That was a bad decision. He was the creepiest of the lot. And I still haven't quite got rid of that weird smell. I'd never have chosen him if I knew about his disgusting 'preferences'. He tried to molest two of the other members! And then he was going to steal Itachi's body! I can't have things like that going on! I'd never be able to keep track of…

Sorry, message. Where was I? This day is not going well.

Ok, looking back over that, I think I might actually have been a bit unfair. For all their faults they're not really a bad lot. Itachi's really clever, and he and Kisame make a good team. They're both great fighters, and Kisame's chakra level really helps with the sealing jutsu. We couldn't do it with so few people otherwise.

Sasori's ok when you get to know him; he's really just a grumpy old man. It was so funny when Orochimaru thought he really was as young as he looks, so Sasori poisoned him and pretended it was an accident. He can generally keep Deidara in line too, and that's a real help to me.

Deidara, for all his madness, is a surprisingly good fighter with those little sculpture-bombs of his. He captured the one-tail nearly all by himself too, and that had a strong Jinchuuriki. Plus he can be a real sweetie sometimes. I guess I don't really want rid of him.

I'm actually glad Zetsu works for me and not one of the hidden villages. He's the best spy and hunter-nin I've ever seen. I'd be seriously worried if he was after me.

Kakuzu and Hidan are nigh indestructible, and that's always a bonus. They argue constantly but even so they always back each other up and are pretty much unbeatable in a fight. That's definitely useful when villages are sending their best ninja after you. It's quite demoralising for the villages as well when they're defeated again and again, and that always makes me laugh.

Sure Tobi's an idiot and not a very good fighter, but I might have been wrong when I said he didn't do anything to help Akatsuki achieve its goals. He's so happy and sort of innocent at times that he really seems to brighten the place up. He's great for morale, even if only because all the other members are united in their irritation.

And, well, Orochimaru. At least he's left of his own accord. It saves the bother of getting rid of him in other ways. It would help if he'd give his ring back though. I can't imagine what he could possibly want it for now. Nostalgia perhaps? It isn't a souvenir item!

Yeah, they're alright really.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF TOSS WAS THAT?!! Oh dear lord, what are they doing now?