Cessation of Good
By Chyna Rose
Disclaimer: Digimon = Toei
I guess you could call me one of the good guys. Okay, so it's not one of the most impressive way to start. But give me a break. I'm not exactly good at this kind of thing. I asked some of my friends for advice on how to write this, and they said to just write without thinking about it. Then again, since I don't plan on anyone ever reading this, it kinda doesn't matter. Or at least anyone other than Ken or Chibimon that is.
I don't think of myself as a hero. Yeah, I know that a lot of heroes say that. But I really don't think of myself as a hero. I haven't really done anything heroic. Yeah, I helped to save the world, but I didn't do it for any altruistic reasons. I did it to impress Hikari and because the others expected me to.
Hikari and the others. I don't know why they put up with me, or I them. They really aren't my friends. Friends don't laugh at you and expect you to fit some moldy stereotype.
I'm not as dumb as I look. Or as clumsy, or as happy. They all say things about me to my face, and expect me to just let it roll off. And, I guess it's kinda my fault since when they do this, I simply ignore it; pretend it didn't hurt. Maybe not all of them. Ken never insulted me. And even when he was the Digimon Kaiser, he never really insulted me. It was always my digimon who was pathetic, or the whole collective group of us. But he never attacked me personally.
I was the first of our group to welcome Ken in. I was the second to fully forgive him; wormmon was really the first. And do you want to know why I forgave him so readily? It had nothing to do with dark spores, or dark oceans, or dark digivices. I forgave Ken because it could so easily have been me as the Kaiser.
What really makes some one good or evil anyway? Take a hero –let's call him P –and a villain we'll call Q. Q's the warlord of a kingdom. Q's kinda strict, and a number of people who live under him aren't happy. One of these people –R –tries to murder Q. R is caught, and sentenced to be executed. Now R has some friends, and these friends tell P about Q and the plans for R –leaving out what R did to get in that predicament in the first place. P doesn't live under Q. In fact, P lives two kingdoms over and has never even heard of Q before. P also doesn't like what he's heard about Q from these friends of R who may just be a bit biased when it comes to Q. P stops Q from executing R by killing Q, and P is toted as a hero.
Why is it that people label others as Bad, in order to justify their actions against that person. Actions that would be called evil in that other person. I just can't understand the concept of Good and Evil. How can there be such things if evil done in the name of 'Good' is exalted, while anything done in the name of 'Evil' is reviled. And who says what is right anyway.
But I'm getting way off topic here. I think. I'm not even sure what the topic is, or should be. As I said before, no-one but Ken or Chibimon's going to read this. Maybe it doesn't even need a point.
The problem with writing without thinking, is that it makes no sense. It's just random crap on a page.
I could've been evil. I could become evil. I could hurt someone; make them bleed and cry out in pain. I want to hurt someone. I want to make other feel my pain. Put a physical scar on them for every emotional one they give me. The teasing hurts. I am sick of hurting. I want the world to suffer. I want the pain to stop. I want the hurting to stop.
Why did I let Hikari hurt me so much. Because I couldn't face the truth. I couldn't even fully admit it to myself. I never really liked Hikari –not romantically anyway. But maybe if I kept pretending, kept denying, maybe I could grow to love her. But I can't. And there's no use lying to myself. I am gay. Eventually I may be able to come out to my friends and family.
Why did I let the others hurt me so much. Because I didn't have any friends. I have to real friends now; Ken and Chibimon. But the others don't seem to count me as a friend. If they did, they'd realize that their words and laughter hurt me even if I don't let it show.
Why did I write this. Because I realized that I was about to shove a knife into my arm. I needed to let the pain and hurt and frustration out, but I found that I couldn't hurt Ken or Chibimon. They mean too much to me to let that happen. They're the only ones who really care about me. And by hurting myself, I was hurting them. I just want the pain to stop. Ken suggested that I paint it with words and ink rather than blood and steel.
I have the Digiegg of Courage, but I'm a coward. I have the Digiegg of Friendship, but didn't really have any friends when I got it. Ken has the Crest of Kindness, but once showed only cruelty. I once saved the world, but all I did was remind others to fight. I once convinced a friend that they didn't have to fight alone. I once sent someone on the way to personal reform. I once made others see that people change and that everyone needs a second chance. My name is Daisuke Motomiya, and I have worked miracles. But I am no hero.