Once more with feelings
Category: angst, romance
Summary: It all starts again…
Season/Sequel: season 10, post 200
Spoilers: 200 (10-06)
Archives: my website, others ask please, I never refuse
Disclaimer: I own neither the show nor the characters. I don't earn any money; I just do it for fun.
Author's Note: I hope you'll like it. Me, I just needed to write this after the idea popped up in my head. Thanks to Jaclyn for the beta!
You have a go !
"What were you thinking about?" she asked you and you frowned, wondering what she meant.
"When Vala talked about a wedding…"
"Oh that!" you paused, unsure of what your answer should be but she didn't let you go any further and continued.
"I was seeing us if things had turned out…"
"Same here," you interrupted her.
So you both had the same thought. Life was really strange sometimes. You came to the SGC on a sudden impulse, wanting to know how the team was doing with Marty, and if you were honest with yourself now, you missed them too. And now, there you were at Sam's, well after the others left, sipping on the coffee she just made for the two of you. You hadn't seen her in the last few months and found she had changed in some ways. That little spark you always saw in her eyes wasn't there anymore and you couldn't help but wonder if it was your fault.
"You ok?" you asked all of a sudden, and she looked up, surprised by the question.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
"I know you, and I know when something's bothering you. Come on, you know you can tell me."
"It's nothing really."
"Do I have to pull rank?" you asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Fine," she conceded, albeit reluctantly. "I was just wondering what we did wrong…"
"Oh… I can't say I never gave it a thought."
"Did you find an answer?"
"We made a big mistake," you said and immediately winced, that wasn't the way you wanted to say it "Ok, let me explain. Us…, it wasn't a mistake, but we should have taken our time, we should have waited. It was too soon after…," you stopped not wanting to say the words and knowing she understood what you meant.
"That's what I think too."
A few minutes went by, each of you pondering what had been said. It was the first real talk you'd had in months, since that fateful day where you both decided that maybe you weren't meant to be. Since then, you often mulled over, wondering what had gone wrong. Everything was perfect in the beginning, she accepted to supervise R&D at area 51 and you were ready to retire, again. But before you had any chances to talk about it with your superiors, you were transferred and promoted to the Head of Homeworld Security. With each of you at either side of the country, your relationship started to be strained until one day, you started fighting more than anything else. You remembered that it was the same with Sara just before the accident, so you talked to her and you both chose to stop what you had.
"You know I still wonder where we would be if we hadn't broken up."
"Probably married," you answered without hesitating.
"You really think we could have gone that far?"
"I don't know anymore. I guess I idealized what this relationship could be throughout the years and when I realized it couldn't be more different from that… I think I was afraid."
"Afraid of what? That it couldn't work?"
"That it could, actually. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a big failure at relationships."
"Hey! You can't be a genius in every domain," you said, and she smiled at that. "Don't you think I'm a pretty big failure too? If you remember well, I'm a divorced man, and my second to last ex-girlfriend left me because she knew I was in love with someone else. Not to mention that I still don't know what my last ex at this date saw in me."
Her face bore a bigger smile at that and you couldn't help but be proud to still be the only one able to make her smile like that. Even though you hadn't spoken to each other in months, she knew you meant her and not somebody else. You were surprised when you heard her answer you.
"You're kind, caring, loveable, not to mention sexy," she added and you blushed. "And she certainly was as in love with you as you were with her."
"I was afraid that it could work too," you finally admitted, looking straight into her eyes. "And I was afraid that one day, you might realize that you're worth so much more than poor little old me; that you could leave for someone much younger than me."
"You're not old, Jack."
"Good old Jake wasn't so much older than me, you know."
"I don't care about your age, Jack. And I won't leave you for a younger man," she continued, not realising she stopped speaking in the past. "Do you have so little faith in me?"
"Answer me," she said more forcefully. "Do you really think I could leave you like this? You know, maybe it was a good idea that we broke up," she said angrily when you failed to answer, before leaving the living-room.
You could hear her slamming the door of her room, and sighed, dropping your head in your hands. Maybe you should just leave and never come back; she'd probably be happier without you in her life anyway. But you couldn't; you had to talk to her, you couldn't leave her like this.
Once in front of the door of her room, you stopped, hesitating slightly, before opening it. She was there, sitting on the bed with her back to you.
"What do you want?" she asked you and you could hear the tears in her voice.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you this," you apologized, walking till you were in front of her.
"You hurt me once more…," she whispered, looking up at you and you saw that her face was dried of any tears; she didn't want you to see her cry.
"I've never meant to hurt you. Not now, not ever. I'm just a really stupid man. I'm glad we broke up, you can do so much better than me."
"And if I don't want to?"
"What?" you exclaimed, surprised by her question.
"If I told you that despite everything I still think… I still think about you, what would you do?"
"I'd say you're stupid too," he answered, sitting on the bed beside her.
"So we're both stupid."
"Maybe we can say we're both in love."
"So… Where does that lead us?"
"First to me telling you that I'd try to not doubt you anymore, but give me some rest here, ok? I'm an old unsure of himself man."
"I'd help you try by telling you again and again why you don't have to doubt. Then?"
"Then, I'm going to resign, and don't, just don't," you added, seeing she was ready to protest. "It's time. And now, we'll take one step at a time, but still think about the future."
"I'd like that," she approved and you put an arm around her shoulders.
"So… We try again?"
"We try again."
With that, she rested her head on your shoulder, leaning closer towards you. This time more than in the past, you were both ready to take a step beyond friendship. This was your last chance to make it work and you'd sure do everything to not lose her anymore.