GAKUTO LEARNS CHESS
and everyone has to teach him grammar, math and basic common sense all over again.

disclaimer: Not mine, and this disclaimer...claims all three chapters.
warning: In which Gakuto is seriously retarded.


The was a sunny and bright afternoon for the Hyotei Regulars regular tennis practices, unlike those stormy cloudy weather which meant more Physical Training under their air-conditioner that spewed air altered to be like the hot humid afternoons they were supposed to have but they actually never got.

So the hot sunny and bright afternoon actually equates to happiness, and due to this special burst of happiness, the posh regulars arrived to the tennis clubhouse fashionably early. Then they played chess, partially to piss off the retard Gakuto who has no idea how to play, and also to show of their wonderful prowess.

"Haa! Ore-sama no bigi ni yoi na!" Atobe chuckled annoyingly in Shishido's face and removed the big black queen on the board and irritated Shishido to no end. Oshitari was dueling against Choutaro, and was faring quite well against the junior.

"Check."

Since he didn't even know whether a rook goes straight or diagonal and had always thought of the king as the most powerful piece on the board, our protagonist Gakuto was feeling very left out. But then, you can't have a protagonist in the story without even using him, so he asked.

"Can I play?"

Atobe, as if knowing what he was going to ask, automatically said "No."

"WHY?"

"How many squares does the knight jump?" Atobe flicked Shishido's newly-promoted-pawn-queen away with his bishop and took the square. The latter fumed.

Gakuto took a wild guess "It jumps over two and… lands on the third?"

Atobe's hands stopped halfway across the board, where he was attempting to take Shishido's rook. "It's a miracle…"

Gakuto admitted truthfully. "It's a wild guess, actually."

"So NO."

"WHA? No what?"

"Atobe," Oshitari grunted from under the chess strategy book. "You can't deny he actually answered the question. What was the deal again, ahh?"

Atobe shot him a glare and muttered something Gakuto could not hear before pulling the red-haired into a chair and made him sit down. Oshitari snickered.

"This is the king."

"Oh. I thought that one was."

"That is a queen."

OOOOH. "I see…Waitwait! I know this one!!"

"…"

"It's a BISHOP!"

"IT'S A ROOK YOU RETARD!" Hiyoshi slipped away from the clubhouse in shame during the commotion to have to slam his head on the brick wall he practices against.

Atobe cleared his throat uneasily. "You arrange it on the board with the pawns in front, the rooks at the back and the knights, bishops, then the queen and king. The two sides should be placed symmetrically. If you are black, your black queen should lie in a black square."

"Why?"

"…Oshitari, your turn."

"No." Oshitari said, turned his back facing them.

"OFF WITH YOUR-"

"I'll help."

"Good choice, Oshitari." Atobe replied smoothly and saw to that Oshitari doesn't run away when he wasn't looking. Like that irresponsible Captain II.

"HELLO? IS ANYONE GOING TO ANSWER MY QUESTION HERE?" Gakuto was tired of everyone looking at either the clubhouse door pleadingly or looking at the captain and co-captain with half-interest, and yelled his lungs out. His extra oestrogen wasn't for nothing. It made his tantrums look more evil, which was good.

Oshitari sighed. "It just is. Now the middle four squares of the board are the most important places in the board, because it also just is. You normally move your pawns first, because you can't move the rest of the pieces behind the pawn except for the knights if you don't move the pawn."

"WHA?"

"I don't like that expression, Gakuto. Get it off your face."

Except Gakuto couldn't, since he had placed that gawk on his face for so long it had froze and couldn't change.

After a minute of really fun face-pulling by the regulars, Gakuto's face was red and sore. Oh well, better than the gawk any day.

"Set up the board. You take white, since white always go first."

Gakuto debated on whether he should satisfy his curiosity by asking WHY and save his life by not. He decided he would very much like it if he keeps his life, and he set up the board…

"The bishop goes there, the knight beside the bishop…NO. That's the king's space. Yes the other side. The rook on the outmost squares…NO. Not that. That's outside the battlefield. You can't fight outside the battlefield. The queen on the white square, directly opposite the other queen I have already set up a good 15 minutes ago. Gakuto, you're…you're…"

"Yes, Yuushi?"

"You're hopeless."

After two minutes, Oshitari whipped up Gakuto's side nice and tidy. Gakuto gawked, but everyone slapped him up a bit to keep his face from freezing up. Then they figured that they could do more face-pulling on the particular regular, so they stopped immediately. Gakuto wasn't as stupid as it seems, because he stopped gawking. At least for a minute.

"Go first." Oshitari said.

Gakuto pushed a pawn in front. The regulars clapped.

"The first steps of the pawn can be two steps, which lands the pawn on the four important squares. It's more effective this way, because you normally aren't."

"Is that an insult?" Gakuto asked randomly.

"Yes."

"…OY YUUSHI!!" After a whole minute, Gakuto shouted.

"How fast is it this time?" Oshitari inquired softly.

"A minute, he's faster now." Atobe said.

"Anyway, it's my turn." Oshitari swiftly smacked a pawn into the four important squares.

Gakuto's bishop that was on a black tile mysteriously landed on a white tile far away from the original, for who-knows-what reasons. Even a blind person could tell, by the loud clicking of the bishop on the tile, a total giveaway.

"HAA!" Gakuto tried a lousy imitation of Atobe, "CHECK!"

Oshitari was reduced to a lump of quivering mass, which would be recovered soon, but not now. Atobe took over.

"Firstly, that's a checkmate, because the kind has no where else to escape to. Secondly, you can't move a black tile bishop to a white tile and vice versa, because it should only move on one color. Don't ask. And, only the knight can jump over pieces, two squares and land on the third square like you said earlier. NO, not like that. In an L shape. NO, not that either. Lastly, no pieces can jump so far, you ass."

"I can jump. I am king. I make my subjects jump." Gakuto finally found a way to outsmart Atobe, or so he thinks.

"You can make your subjects jump. The king can't jump, but he's a lot smarter than you."

"IT IS A PIECE OF IVORY! AM I NOT SMARTER THAN A PIECE OF IVORY?!"

Atobe filed his nails patiently. "No, you're not."

"Oh, okay." Gakuto tried a knight. "Like this?" He lifted the piece and put it down somewhere which was so wrong it shall not be noted.

"NO, GAKUTO! Are you sure you can count?!"

"I CAN. Its one seven four three two six isn't it?" Gakuto said triumphantly.

Atobe scrunched up his forehead in a deep frown. "You're…you're…"

"Yes, Atobe?" Gakuto felt a replay, but he wasn't sure of what.

"You're…you're hopeless…"

"Yuushi said that too; is it a good thing?"

"NO!" The regulars, or maybe what's left of the regulars, hollered at Gakuto and his stupidity. For instance, Shishido had dozed off halfway standing up.

Oshitari was up and ready, but not quite ready. "Are you sure you have a brain?"

"He has a brain. Full of shit that is. Plenty of shit." Shishido muttered incredously.

"Don't you guys not know I jump all the time? Surely my knight can too." Gakuto argued yet another pointless argument, which most of the regulars tried to ignore. Not for Atobe though, renowned for his refined language.

"That's double negativity usage, it's 'Don't you guys know' or 'Do you guys not know'."

"WHATEVER."

"Ahem. As the captain of Hyotei, I order you, Shishido, to take my place."

"WHAT? There is NO way in hell I am teaching that ass CHESS. This is improper use of power!" Shishido turned on protective mode and darted to the door, only to find it nicely and firmly shackled and bolted by THE OSHITARI.

"OFF WITH YOUR HEA-"

"Fine. Geez."

Gakuto looks too eager to torture me, Shishido thought, as he seated on the plush armchair comfortably. He had to be comfortable, before he was dead like all the other people that had tried to tackle the stupid Gakuto but in vain.

"The pawn moves in front one square or two squares for the first move and can only move in front one square each time for subsequent moves. To capture a piece, it can move sideways, but only when capturing a piece. No 'why's."

"The rook moves front, back and sideways but not diagonally. No 'but's and no 'I am Gakuto so'"

"The knight can jump, and if I have to explain this theory again like Atobe and Oshitari you would have to kill me first."

"Bishop can only move diagonally. It can only move on its own colored tile. If it was on a white tile, it can only stay on a white tile. Full stop."

"The queen can move in every direction for as many squares as she likes. The king can only move in each direction one square each time. He's just lame." Shishido ended off shishidoishly.

They started a game, and Shishido started to think that either their captain and co-captain were too dumb to handle Gakuto or Gakuto suddenly became smarter. When he looked down at the chessboard, he saw his queen missing, and a pawn in her place. The pawn which had been standing five diagonal boxes away from the queen.

"What?!"

"I took Shishido's queen! YATTA!"

Choutaro, who had being quietly listening and grieving over his senpai's stupidity corrected cautiously. "You can't take the queen like that…"

"But…butbut Shishido said 'To capture a piece, it can move sideways'!" Gakuto feigned a wide-eyed innocent look.

Shishido rubbed his temple forcefully in hopes of making himself unconscious. It did not work. "Were you thinking about defeating me using my LOOPHOLES?!"

"There is one? I don't know nothing."

Atobe rapped the table, feeling more irritated than usual. "Tut tut, double negativity usage is disallowed. It's 'I don't know anything' or 'I know nothing'."

"WHATEVER."

"The chessboard is like a big battlefield; there is no such thing as whatever to the matter of life and death, ne Kabaji?"

"Usu."

"That's grammar! And won't this kind of thing not be settled easier on the courts?"

"DOUBLE NEGATIVITY USAGE IS PROHIBITED! Its either WON'T or NOT, NOT BOTH!"

And all these misfortunes happened on a bright and sunny afternoon.


a/n: looks like chess is really growing on me. maybe I should write a fanfic on shogi or go or something xD