I know my faults. Every single one of them. They stare me in the face every time I look in the mirror. I'm not the only who sees them either. Anyone who has seen my son knows my faults. Anyone who has seen his bandages must know what I do. What a horrible person I am.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. Seimei was supposed to save him. To save me. But he had to go and get himself killed abandoning us all. Ah, there I go again. My anger will increase the more I think of it and then, when he gets home, I will beat him. I will throw my anger at an innocent child. My innocent child.
This child walks through the door with bandages and bruises covering every inch of his body. I wonder if anyone knows it is my fault. Does anyone see what I do? Do they see me throw things at him? Abuse him? I wonder.
It hasn't always been this way. When my Ritsuka was here...no, that's not right. This boy is my Ritsuka. He'll come back. A child must never abandon his mother. It isn't right. It isn't fair. Seimei understood. He was a dutiful son. He protected him when all I could do was yell. I was completely helpless as I threw punch after punch into this boy's flesh.
This boy. My boy. My son. I gave birth to this boy. I held him in my womb for nine months and smiled when I first held him in my arms. Now what do I do? I beat and yell and hurt this once perfect boy. What a horrible mother. I hate how I feel afterwards. How my hands sting and burn from beating my son. How I'm so tired I'm out of breath. Horrible.
What kind of mother does this? I shouldn't. It isn't right but...I can't stop. I can never stop myself. Once my palm touches his skin I'm possessed. All I can do is hit and scream until I tire myself out. I hate it. Seimei was...he was supposed to...but he's gone now. He'll never come back. He can't stop me anymore. Neither can my husband. That man who is the father to this child that I beat. I wonder how he feels.
When Seimei was alive though, I was so happy. He would stop me and save my son. I was glad. This child didn't have to go through what I went through. But now he's gone. Dead. All I have left is this child and what do I do to him? Beat him. Hurt him. Destroy him.
I hate how weak I am. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. Everyone can see what a horrible person I am. I curl in the corner, waiting for the door to open. I wait for the click...and then I strike. Awful. The next time he comes down those stairs he has a new bandage. A new scrape that I created. Everyone sees it. I know they do. They must talk about me behind my back, saying how awful I am.
You do it too don't you? You talk when I'm not around. I hate it. I hate YOU. Your a horrible person, to talk about me like that. No, that's not right! I beat my son, I-
Was that the door? Is that child home now? What time is it? 6:10. He's late.
Children should listen to their parents. That's how it's supposed to be. It's a part of nature. And he comes home late? After I told him what his curfew is? No! He knows better.
He's walking by, trying to be quiet. I see him. That imposter walking in my sons body. He deserves to be beaten. He's earned it! I know that if he doesn't say hi to me I'll be pounding on his door later. My Ritsuka was always happy to see me. But he is my Ritsuka, isn't he? The body is still the one I carried.
Oh, he's gone into his room. I can feel the anger now. The fire I get when he abandons me. The burn will come later. Right now, I have to go beat him. I have to try and put this fire out. I'm going to ruin him again. I'm going to destroy his innocence.
It's times like these I wish Seimei was still alive. But it's ok, because when he comes back we'll be happy again. We'll be a family. I'm so glad. I just hope he comes home soon. I miss him.
A Loveless Fanfic
Thank you for reading
I Do Not own Loveless
Just this idea.
A/N- A short fic that has to do with Ritsuka's mother, Misaki. I wanted to try and write how she feels about beating her son. I know a lot of places contradict themselves. They're supposed to. The title of this fic is To Be Insane. The point is that Misaki knows what she's doing is wrong, but she can't stop herself. She is truly insane. After reading Loveless Vol. 5 I actually started to like her because of a monologue she has in her mind, that's where most of the ideas in this fic come from. This is the second story in my "To Be" series. There will be one for every character, so please them when they come out. Please review and tell me what you think. This is my first time writing in first person so I hope it turned out alright.