Spoilers: General Season 2
Disclaimers: Neither Stargate Atlantis nor any of its characters belongs to me.
Notes: Overdue response to sheppardnweir mailing list challenge: "Since we get so much spam about [viagra, I hereby issue a challenge that in some way relates to viagra spam. I don't know how you'd do it without it being lame but OMG IT R A CHALLNG." Title inspired by Rose Wilde Irish. Beta by Rose Wilde Irish and Pooh.
John Sheppard was humming to himself, clicking through his inbox of messages from the Atlantis Intranet.
Report, report, complaint from McKay, report, appointment reminder from Beckett, report, report, another complaint from McKay, message from Elizabeth, report, viagra spam, report, report-
He clicked back twice. Sure enough: Subject: " Cheap Viagra " The body read: "Viagra >> Lowest Price Guaranteed! Cheapest prices when ordering online. The largest variety of pills - FDA approved. Order now and get free overnight shipping!"
That was so wrong.
And impossible. How could spammers from Earth gain access to their intranet? They ran regular virus and spyware checks, particularly when newbies came in from the Daedalus, so he knew for a fact that their system was clean. McKay and Zelenka had said so just a few days ago. And he seriously doubted the Wraith were that interested in selling them viagra, unless they were starting to get really desperate on the lack of food in the galaxy.
He looked at the rest of the e-mail curiously.
"For supplies, contact John Sheppard. Hurry! Buy two, get one free! Limited time offer!"
The sender name was blank, the address was obviously a fake, but the reply to address was his own.
He was going to kill someone. One of the scientists. Or all of them, starting with McKay. Sheppard had been making fun of him and Zelenka the other day. This could be payback. Or maybe it was Kavanagh. The man had it in for him pretty badly. Of course, it could be anyone, really. He'd pissed off the entire base in one way or another at some time during his limited career here. Hell, it could've been Caldwell getting one of his minions to do it for him- that naked Asgard, even.
Before he could decide on a detailed plan of action, Elizabeth wandered in.
"So I hear you're peddling erectile dysfunction drugs now, John?"
"Oh, God, don't tell me-" he groaned.
"The e-mail was sent to the entire expedition," Elizabeth confirmed as she approached him.
"McKay is dead. Or Kavanagh. Or Zelenka. All of them."
She smirked. "Annoyed a technology geek, did you?"
John just shook his head.
Elizabeth shut the lid of the laptop and twirled his chair around. Giving him a quick kiss, she pulled him out of his seat.
"Where are we going?" John asked warily.
"Wellll... there have been rumors that maybe you have some erectile dysfunction of your own," Elizabeth said innocently. "We're just going to see if that rumor is true."
John wanted to protest, but he could never say no to Lizzie!sex. (And why would he?) So he not-that-reluctantly followed his boss out the door, putting aside his plots of revenge for later.