Rock Lee's Guide to "Rock"ing the Green Spandex Jumpsuit
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.
Greetings! I'm Rock Lee! Ping! And I am pleased to welcome you to "Rock Lee's Guide to "Rock"ing the Green Spandex Jumpsuit"! If you are reading this, then that means you are a proud new owner of a Gai-sensei-Approved, "Good Guy" Pose-worthy, Green Spandex Jumpsuit! (GSJ for short.)
This wonderful piece of ninja-wear is a multipurpose attire that offers flexibility, comfort, and protection, as well as excellent ventilation during rigorous training and missions. Its lovely colouring is the perfect camouflage for any terrain, but when coupled with the neon orange legwarmers, its "hip" style also allows the wearer to blend in well with a crowd, should the need arise.
The Green Spandex Jumpsuit is not just for ninja-related activities. Formal occasions are easily attended while clothed in the magnificence of your GSJ. Weddings, funerals, birthdays, grand openings, festivals, hospital visits, stalking the pink-haired girl you love but who only likes you as a friend, and new Green Spandex Jumpsuit shopping can all be done while fashionably dressed in your jumpsuit. Regardless of the situation, I guarantee you will be the best dressed there! "Good Guy" pose! Ping!
Now, with all of these wonderful benefits, you are probably wondering what could possibly pose a problem, when wearing this magnificent work of couture. Alas, there are some challenges one will face after they don the great GSJ. However, one must remember that challenges build character and Youthfulness and therefore are to be met with vigour and dedication. No challenge is too great for one who is Youthful enough to wear the GSJ! This guide will help you, oh Youthful lover of the Green Spandex Jumpsuit, to overcome these sometimes perplexing trials so that your GSJ-wearing experience may be as bountiful with the power of Youth as is possible.
The first challenge one will face with their new jumpsuit is how to put it on. The way to deal with this is quite simple after succeeding in it once.
First of all, DO NOT PANIC! The Fire of Youth is doused by the swirling confusion of the panicky mind. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Go to your happy place and study it with fondness, because after this first challenge is passed, your new happy place will definitely be in your fabulous Green Spandex Jumpsuit! "Good Guy" pose! "Ping!"
Now that you have relaxed, pick up your GSJ. Much like our own muscles requiring a warm-up before a Youthful spar, spandex requires a good stretch prior to use. Stretch it out in all directions. Do not be afraid to use your mighty ninja strength! The GSJ is "Power of Youth" prepared, making it capable of withstanding up to ten superhuman punches from the Godaime herself, five times more than the leading competitor! Now that's strength! Ping!
Now that your GSJ has been properly stretched, it is time to put it on.
First, find the neck hole. Grasp the edges of the collar, and pull it wider, until there is an opening large enough for you to fit through. The neck is the only way to get into the GSJ.
You may be asking, "But Lee-san, why are there no Youthful zippers or buttons instead?" To which I would answer, "Well, Youthful GSJ-lover-san, there are no 'Youthful' zippers or buttons on the GSJ because zippers and buttons are NOTYOUTHFUL!!! THEY ARE THE BANE OF ALL OF YOUTHDOM!!! THEY ARE THE DEMON CLOUDS THAT ARE POURING RAIN DOWN UPON THE BONFIRES OF YOUTH!!! THEY ARE THE CANCER THAT IS EATING AWAY AT THE FABRIC OF YOUTH'S RADIANT DISPLAY IN OUR SOCIETY TODAY, AND THEY SHALL NEVER, NEVER MAR THE YOUTHFUL BEAUTY AND GRACE THAT IS THE GREEN SPANDEX JUMPSUIT!!!" Please remember that.
So, now that you have the neck opened wide enough, place one foot through the neck hole, then the other. (You may want to be sitting down while doing this, unless you are extremely skilled in the art of legless standing.) Continue to push your legs through the neck until they enter their respective pant legs.
The traction that the spandex creates with your skin may cause some irritation at first, as well as make it difficult to get your body completely into the jumpsuit. One solution is to completely cover yourself in baby powder prior to attempting to don the GSJ. This will not only ease the friction, but also leave you smelling wonderfully Youthful. Ping!
After your legs are in place, pull the GSJ up until your arms can slide into the garment and into their sleeves. Then make certain that the collar is properly situated around your neck, and walla; you are now clothed in the finest shinobi gear known to man!
Another common dilemma wearers of the GSJ will face is how to go about relieving themselves in the bathroom facilities while wearing their jumpsuits. This challenge is easily overcome, as all you must do is reverse the order of the steps involved in donning the GSJ.
However, this situation does bring me to one important issue I simply must address. It is the matter of undergarments. The tight-fitting quality of the Green Spandex Jumpsuit makes wearing underwear unsightly, as lines will show where your undergarments end. Anyone who wears a GSJ is obviously fashion conscious and therefore will want to avoid wearing underwear from here on out. Going commando is the only way to go with the GSJ! Discomfort is common for the first week or so, so make certain you powder yourself a little bit extra for that time to avoid any undue chafing in unpleasant areas.
Speaking of unpleasant, another challenge that often plagues Green Spandex Jumpsuit wearers, Gai-sensei included, is the rather disagreeable and mildly embarrassing phenomenon known as "riding up". To deal with this problem, I give you one word: hairspray. Spritz some of that Youthful adhesive on your legs, then don your GSJ and presto! No more riding up! Trust me, you will be thankful you took this bit of advice. And so will your team-mates and/or students. The visual that the GSJ riding up creates is not a very Youthful sight for one's comrades to be exposed to. Think about the preservation of your team-mates' Youthful fire. Please use the spray.
Another matter I must address is how to go about cleaning your Green Spandex Jumpsuit. This is just one of the plethora of amazing things about your Youth Suit (Gai-sensei and I sometimes call the GSJ this; it enhances one's Youth Powers so much)! You don't need to! Its stain resistant fabric prevents any permanent marks from marring your glorious attire. Be it blood or blueberry, ink or iron rust, no stain will conquer the mighty flawlessness of the GSJ! Ping! And thanks to its Teflon© coating, any dirt that does get on it can easily be wiped off with a cloth or even your hand! It practically cleans itself! As a bonus, the custom colour that puts the G in GSJ is fade resistant, persevering through searing sun and scalding springs. You will never have to do laundry, change clothes, or buy new ones ever again!
So there you have it! You have just completed "Rock Lee's Guide to "Rock"ing the Green Spandex Jumpsuit"! You are now fully prepared for success in the grand adventures and Youthful living that only the GSJ can bring. Farewell, Youthful Green Spandex Jumpsuit lovers, and as Gai-sensei always says, "May the Fire of Youth burn bright in each and every one of you!"
Rock Lee, Asst. CEO
"What the heck is this?"
"Huh? Oh! That's "Rock Lee's Guide---""
"Yes, I got that. What the heck is it doing in with my gear?"
"Well, Neji-kun. It will help you through the challenges that the GSJ poses, and ensure you the fullest, most Youthful experience with your suit as possible!"
"I do not own a Green Spandex Jumpsuit. And I never will. I do not need this."
"Nonsense! You have one right there!"
Neji shuffled around in his bag and to his utmost horror, pulled out a hideous green mass of stretchy material. He cast a baleful look at Lee and said in a low voice, "Why is this thing in my bag?"
"It's for you! Gai-sensei and I decided that the first to try out our newly marketed product should be our dear team-mates! So, we have given one to you, as well as to Tenten! What do you think?!" Lee exclaimed, rays of heavenly glee shining from his round eyes.
"I think you should take it away unless you want to see it destroyed with my Kaiten," was Neji's stoic response, daggers of repulsion flying from his eyes towards the green monstrosity.
"OH! I SEE!" Lee cried, holy eye rays not dimming in the slightest. "You are suffering from the EMOs again, are you? Well, in that case---"
"'The EMOs'?" Neji quirked an eyebrow at this.
"Oh, you probably prefer to call it 'angsting'. I apologize for my error, Neji. I will---"
"'Angsting'? Lee, what the heck are you talking about?" Neji snapped, eyes quivering with controlled irritation.
Lee stared at his team-mate with an understanding smile. "It's okay, Neji. Gai-sensei told me all about it," he spoke in his most soothing tone and placed a gentle hand on Neji's shoulder. "Because of your 'angsting'," Lee began, doing air commas with his fingers on 'angsting', "you feel down on life and the Flame of Youth is too much for you to handle. Something like the GSJ, with its Youth-building qualities would be too much for you to deal with at this time. I'll just bring it back later, when your 'angsting episode' has passed." Lee picked up the green glob and turned to leave.
"I do not have 'angsting episodes'," Neji ground out, his entire body rigid with pure, unadulterated irritation.
Lee turned back to him and said, "'Melancholy marathons', then?" he asked innocently.
"Tripping out on the blues'?"
This made Neji growl. "I do not do drugs Lee!"
"Of course you don't, Neji! I mean LSD, as in 'Life Sucks Dearly'. I thought you of all people would know that," Lee answered, his caterpillar-styled eyebrows skewed slightly.
"What are you talking about?" Neji began to half-yell. "I have no idea what you're going on about! Now take that, that thing and go already!" He gestured sharply at the GSJ in Lee's hand, then turned his back to his "special" team-mate.
"Yosh! I'm off to find Gai-sensei, to learn more about the wonders of the Power of Youth!" And with that, Lee ran off to find his idol, the Green Spandex Jumpsuit flapping in the wind and scaring the crap out of a flock of birds as it disappeared with him.
Making certain that Lee was long gone and no one else was around, Neji turned back to his gear. Reaching in, he unzipped a hidden pouch and retrieved its contents.
A small smile split his lips as Neji gazed at what he held up. "Oh Beige Spandex Jumpsuit! Don't think that I would ever abandon you for that ugly green thing. You're the only one for me!" he spoke to the floppy beige blob as he hugged it tight to his chest.
He then proceeded to don the travesty of fashion and trained for the rest of the day in it, fully appreciating the flexibility, comfort, and protection it offered, as well as the excellent ventilation. The GSJ had nothing on the BSJ.
Guttersnipe's word: I don't actually think Neji is EMO. His crappy circumstances do kind of warrant his being a Gloomy Gus. So don't be offended. Oh! And please review. Thank you muchly!