Disclaimer: I REALLY hope by this point that you know I don't own the rights to Harvest Moon. Don't make Natsume Inc, angry. You wouldn't like a video game company when it's angry!
Won's Book of Angst
On television, in the middle of a stage, a table stacked full of black books is placed behind seedy merchant Won, who's grinning his greedy grin.
"Hello, Bachelors! Having a rough day with your love life? Feel that you don't have that certain appeal that will draw the ladies to you? Think you have a quality that just seems to drive them away? Well, look no further to Won's "Book of Angst", the one book that holds the key to success! You see, no longer do the ladies dig outright chivalry and smothering affection! In this new era of intrigue, the only game they want to play is the game of "hard to get!". No longer do they wish to be treated like a princess, for they would rather be treated with ill contempt! The way to the woman is to be a COMPLETE AND TOTAL JERK!!!
Does this offer an answer to some of you "seemingly" irresistible pretty boys? You may have your looks, but you do not have the right attitude. Why don't we hear from one unfortunate young man?"
Suddenly, the screen is switched to Flower Bud Hospital, where Doctor Alex seems to be interviewed.
"It seems that by the time some of my dates really get to know me, they complain that I'm boring and dump me on the spot. Wait a minute… why are you asking me about my love life, anyway?"
The screen then switches back to a remorseful Won shaking his head.
"Hmm…. yes, I pity that poor, poor man with the Movie Star looks. Without the secret of angst, he would never prevail.
But don't let that happen to you! Just grab that phone and obtain the secrets of jackassery, and your dateless days are over! But don't take my word for it. Learn what the power of angst can do for you by the certified masters themselves!!!"
The screen switches to Grey standing in the Blacksmith building with his hands in his pocket.
"Right… well, thanks to my Grandfather's lack of approval, I've became very angsty and antisocial. But I guess the angst comes with it's perks. I've been drawing in the cute girls in my home town… the first being this cheerful pink-haired girl with enough energy to light a major city, and the second being this shy yet adorable librarian girl. Oh, and I even caught attention of the new farmer girl who happens to be a lovable city girl… and a blonde, too. Yup, strange as it is, being hard to approach and griping about my life really draws them in."
The screen switches to Won.
"Do opposites attract, or is it better to mix it up with a similar soul mates? Who knows? But as you can clearly see, that young blacksmith has all the time in the world to have the answer! But he's not the only one living the good life! Check out this valley man with the outdated hairstyle!"
The screen switches to Marlin standing outside Vesta's farm.
"It was my unfortunate condition and crummy city life that got me going. And, I guess my sister's pushiness really contributed to my grumpiness. Anyway, I usually don't feel like talking to pretty much anybody most of the time, but the gals don't seem to see eye to eye. Take Celia, for example. My sister's talk of arranged marriage was actually bothering the poor girl at first, but once she saw my stubborn resistance to the marriage, it only made her want to go on with it on the double. There was even this brunette city slicker who came up to me and fell for my ill-tempered scowl with one look. I don't know what these ladies see in a greasy-haired Elvis wannabe like me, but I guess I shouldn't complain, should I?"
The screen switches back with Won nodding in approval.
"Did you see that? Even when a man is stuck sporting a retro look, as long as he can be tall, dark, and unfeeling, then all will work out in the end! But the secret of angst holds an even greater power! Are people confused by your androgynous looks and doubt your manhood? Take a look at this success story!"
The screen switches to Jamie standing by his dog outside the Jamie ranch.
"It was really annoying, you know? Having all those Harvest Sprites questioning your gender because of your looks and voice? For crying out loud, the Harvest Goddess knows that I'm a guy, but for the longest time, the only one who knew my true gender couldn't speak on my behalf! Well, the Harvest Goddess' sudden turn of abandonment made me so bitter and hateful towards humanity in general that I could trust none of them. Especially not that new girl from the city who suddenly came into my life and "claimed" she will try her best to help the Harvest Goddess! But things started getting strange from that point on. Even though I said time and time again that we were rivals, and that I only trust in myself, the new girl insisted on being my friend! It was like the more I pushed her away, the more she wanted to be with me! That girl's messed up head was starting to freak me out for quite awhile, until we finally freed the Harvest Goddess. It turns out all that time, the girl felt "sympathy" for me because I was being so mean. Recently, we've actually… went to a festivals together… and some of the other ladies have finally admitted preferring me as a man… but at least nobody dare questions my gender any more! I'm a man, damn it! And you can't say otherwise with the ladies having my back!"
The screen switches back to Won chuckling with glee.
"That's right, femmy-looking one! Not only are you A man, but you're THE man, if I'm not mistaken! But… if any of you bachelors haven't noticed, not only do these masters of angst have their secret success in common, they've all managed to catch the eyes of a beautiful city girl in the process! That's right! Even your hardened urban beauty will become putty in your hands once you know the secret of angst! And now, let us go back to our rather pitiable first case. Since that time, the good Doctor has become a good customer, and look at him now!"
The screen switches to a very irritated Doctor Alex in the clinic, along with a frightened nurse Gina embracing him at the side.
"Don't listen to that con man! You don't need to be a jerk for women to notice you! Just be yourself, and you should find that special someone eventually! Do the smart thing and ignore his lies!"
"D-doctor… that crazy man with the sun glasses won't stop threatening to ki---"
The screen cuts off and switches back to Won.
"Look at him now! The minute he starts getting aggressive and he immediately has an adoring nurse at his side! If the secret of angst can do wonders for him, then it can certainly do the same for you! Don't delay! Pick up that phone and call now! The number is 555-HATE. That's 5-5-5-H-A-T-E! Learn to be the kind of jerk that has the ladies swooning for you! Our operators are standing by!"
The television is then shut off.
Right across from it, Joe from the Woodcutter's house and Jack are sitting together with disgusted looks on their faces.
"Is he serious? Are we honestly supposed to just see this and believe we can get girls by acting like uncaring jerks? I never went that way, and I found a perfectly decent wife in Lyla!" the capped farmer scoffed.
"Believe it or not, there is some strange truth to it. Why do you think the ladies fall harder and faster for my brother Kurt then me? The guy's got more angst oozing out of him than a starving artist, and all the girls I ever meet only want to be my friend! This sucks!" the star-spangled carpenter's apprentice gripped.
"What? So is what they say about us nice guys true in most cases? Is it really the angsty jerkwads that are more likely to win out in the end? Are we really the underdogs of the dating scene?" Jack asked.
Joe replied with a reluctant nod.
"Yeesh… then I feel really sorry for today's society." Jack sighed.