Author Notes: My brain stopped working a few weeks ago. This is the result. Possibly the worst thing I have ever written.
It was sad, but Dwight and Angela broke up due to the strain of their religious differences. You see, one of them had been trying for several years to convert the other to their faith, while the other was adamant that that kind of religious fervor was an extreme and unrealistic position to hold. So finally it had to end. She just could no longer handle his fundamentalist proselytizing about Harry Potter anymore. Richard Dawkins remains unimpressed.
But things worked out well for Angela in the end: Oscar did indeed make the cross-over to women. Somehow they managed to turn their mutual fastidiousness into a loving relationship. Angela learned to wear sweaters, while Oscar swtiched to short sleeved shirts at home. Ironically, their thermostat is set at a compromise temperature of 69 degrees, however Angela made sure that the readout was displayed in Celsius. Their household is very tidy.
Alas, Jim and Pam's new relationship did not last either. They lost that lighthearted dimension of their friendship through being together, and found that they missed that banter more than the intimacy. Through splitting up they could once again be childish together, and that was what they really wanted. And the sex was bad. Really bad. Like, horror movie bad. With Jason terrorizing teenagers and everything.
On the market again for only a short time after rebooting her relationship with Jim back to its previous platonic state, Pam found happiness with a new man. That man was Dwight K. Schrute. No one was more surprised than she was. Her series of beet-inspired concept art is world renowned and has made her a household name. As a punchline.
Making good on numerous pronouncements over the years, Jim did indeed do Kevin. Retiring early, they live quite comfortably on the fortune Kevin made after John Cougar Mellencamp won an Academy Award for his breakthrough supporting role as disgraced cycling star Floyd Landis in Terror from Above: The Colin Powell Story. They watch a lot of bowling.
After being dumped by Jim, Karen stayed in New York and married for money. She is never truly happy.
Michael and Jan lived happily together for many years until Michael's unfortunate death from a heart attack at the age of 52. When the medics arrived, they found him already expired - in a very compromising position. To this day, they still will not discuss the way he was dressed. Or the... other... thing...
Despite his best efforts, Ryan and Kelly were married within a year of their breakup. They have somewhere between eight and fourteen children. Ryan is a sad, sad man.
Creed purchased a mail order bride from Russia. Except that she turned out to be a he. Creed never noticed.
Hudson's Pretzel Wagon is now a popular vendor of soft pretzel snacks throughout the southern part of Pennsylvania.
Eventually running out of men who would willingly sleep with her, Meredith turned to men who were unwilling to sleep with her. She currently resides in a minimum security prison in Munsy.
Andy remains alone, but he never gave up.
Toby also remains alone, but he did. Poor Toby.
Phyllis and Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, lived happily ever after.