Title: Crumple-Horned Snorkacks

Rating: R

Author: Merusa

Summary: SlightlyCracky!Fic. A year after the war, Draco is visiting the sextet at their flat in Diagon Alley. Why is Draco visiting? Because it's crack. While there, Draco discovers exactly what it is to find a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

Warnings: Talk of sexual acts, Shoddy silencing charms, un-beta-ed, written in 15 minutes.

Characters: SeriouslyPimpin'!Neville, SlightlyPimpin'!Harry …other fanon stereotypes.

Pairings: Canon and Pseudo-Canon couples.


Draco nearly spilled his Butterbeer. "What in the bloody hell was that?"

Ginny glanced up at the ceiling, looking rather bored. "Sounds like Neville's silencing charm wore off."

"Neville…Neville's what? Longbottom's getting some?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Yes, Draco, Neville is, ahem, 'getting some.' From Luna."

"Longbottom's boinking Loony- OUCH!" Ginny had hit him upside the head.

She scowled at him. "Don't call her that!"

A loud groaning filled the room. "LUNA.. Luna… I- I almost found one, almost- Luna…"

"NEVILLE! NEV- ooo…" The sound of rhythmic thudding echoed around the kitchen.

Draco winced. "The fuck? Found what?"

Ron stood up suddenly. His face was beat red. "Excuse me for a moment."

Hermione rolled her eyes again as Ron scampered from the room. "It's a thing Luna says."

Draco looked around, suddenly very aware of the fact that no one was looking at him. "What thing? Like those Crumply-Snore things she used to babble about, except it involves Longbottom stuffing her?"

Ginny started to giggle. Harry grinned at her and looked at Draco. "Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, yes. And they weren't what we thought they were."

Draco was confused. "What, they're not animals?"

Harry laughed again. "They're a metaphor for…achieving something."

"Achieving something."

Harry nodded.

"Is Longbottom about to achieve this something?"

Hermione dropped into a seat and grabbed a random magazine from the piled up post in the corner.

Ginny paused before nodding. "He's about to find one, yes. Luna's really the achieving one, if you prefer to be technical about it."

Draco didn't say anything at first. The wheels in his head were visibly turning.

"So, let me get this straight," said Draco a few moments later, "You're saying that 'Finding the Crumple-Horned Snorkack' is a euphemism for helping a female achieve orgasm."

Ginny nodded.

"Wait a second…" said Draco, "Didn't Loony go on a bunch of expeditions with her Father trying to find them?"

The room grew very quiet.

Draco shook himself. "Good Merlin, I thought my family was fucked up."

He paused again as another series of thumps echoed loudly around the room.


Hermione made a sharp, irritated noise and waved her wand at the ceiling. "That's quite enough of that."

Draco appeared to be processing this new information. Suddenly, his head snapped up and he looked straight at Harry.

"So, Potter," said he said with a smirk, "Have you found any Snorkacks yet?"

Harry cocked his head at Draco. He grabbed Ginny around the waist and held her tight. Ginny answered for him. "He's found several. He's never failed in finding one, actually."

Harry smirked.

Draco swallowed, hard. He was sweating slightly when he answered. "Yeah. Right." He forced another sneer.

"Well, I was right about one thing," Hermione said, abruptly. She sounded very frustrated.

Harry looked at her askance. "Just the one thing?"

Hermione gave a heavy sigh. "There's no such thing as Crumple-Horned Snorkacks."

At that moment, Ron came back in the room. He stopped in his tracks when he realized that everyone was staring at him. "What?"

Draco cracked up.

Ron looked positively bewildered. "What?"

Draco howled with laughter. "Oi, Weasley, you having some trouble-"

"OHHHHH!" Luna's voice spared Ron Draco's question.

Draco stopped laughing immediately and stared at the ceiling, dumbfounded. "I thought you put up another Silencing Charm, Granger!"

Hermione looked at him, sadly. "I did." She turned to look miserably at Ron.

For the first time in his life, Draco Malfoy looked at a muggle-born with something akin to pity in his eyes.

For a few minutes, the room was quiet. Draco sipped his Butterbeer and avoided looked at Harry, who was murmuring words to a giggling Ginny. Ron still looked baffled and Hermione kept reading her magazine.

They were unprepared for the sight of Neville clomping down the stairs humming to himself. He looked tired but elated. His hair was a wreck and his shirt was hastily buttoned, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He wore a pair of red and gold boxers.

He smiled at everyone, clearly under the impression that his silencing charms had held. "Hullo, all." He whistled as he made his way over to the refrigerator, and spoke as he pulled out a jar of pickles, then turned to grab a jar of peanut butter from the pantry. "Anything happening?"

He turned to face them when no one answered.

Draco was staring at him with a mixture of revulsion and awe. Neville jumped slightly when he saw this. "What?" He looked down as if inspecting his own body. "Is there something on my face?"