Disclaimer: Gods, I wish...
Warning: Boy on boy lurvin'
A/N: Jame's plan might sound far-fetched, but I imagine him as someone who would do anything for his friends and who would do anything period. He likes attention, but doesn't really care what kind of attention it is.
"James..." Remus began nervously, "Can I talk to you about something? Something sort of serious?"
"Surely, Moony. Now what's ailing you, mate?" he asked in a mockingly concerned tone as he cocked his head the side and blinked rapidly.
"Well, you see... IlikeboyswhichmeansI'mahomosexual." He closed his eyes and waited for the sure-to-come disgusted outburst.
After a few moments of silence, Remus decided that it would be safe to peek at James' reaction. He opened a single eye. James sat there, stock-still and deathly quiet. Remus was about to ask what he was thinking when James abruptly stood up. He then turned his back on Remus, walked a couple steps away, and stopped.
"AHHHH!" James screamed as he began to bang his head violently against Peter's bedpost. "You gross, sick freak!" he shrieked. Then he flung himself on the floor and moaned disgustedly as his arms flailed about wildly.
"James!" Remus yelled worriedly. "Oh, Merlin," he whined while he smacked himself in the head repeatedly. When he stopped James was still on the floor. "Ohh, Merlin."
At the end of two more agonizing minutes, James suddenly stopped moving.
"James?" Remus said tentatively. It sounded like he was checking to see if he was still alive. "You alright?"
He stood up and brushed a bit of imaginary dust off his shoulders.
"Er... Is that it?"
"Is that it?" Remus repeated stupidly.
"Yes, Moony, that's what I said. How 'bout once more, but slower this time: Is... That... It?"
"Well, yeah, that's it," Remus answered, partly frustrated and partly relieved.
"Did you really expect me to not be okay with it?"
"Of course I don't care, you prat. You are who you are."
"Well... I can't pretend I didn't have my suspicions."
"Aye," he began solemnly, "I see the way you look at me from afar. I feel your burning gaze on my handsome face. I smell your insuperable desire to run your hand through my smooth, jet-black tresses. But, alas, I am sorry that I do not return those deep, passionate feelings," he finished dramatically.
"No, Prongs, I wa--."
"Moony, Moony, It's okay. I know you are slightly humiliated, but you don't have to take back what you've said." He stopped for a moment to allowed this huge blow to sink in. Remus was momentarily speechless.
"It's very understandable. It must be difficult to see my perfectly chiseled sleeping form across from you every night, my sexy, naked arse in the showers each morning, and my enormous--."
"James! Damnit!" Remus interrupted. "I'm being serious. Why can't you, for once, be serious too?"
He made a noise that sounded somewhat like a growl.
"Now, now, don't get your knickers in a twist."
"You really don't get it... How hard this is... Always being different."
"C'mon, Moony. I'm just messing with you. Of course I don't care that you're a pouf, and I'm sure that nobody else will either. And if they do, I'll hex them. Plain and simple.
"You really don't think they will?" Remus asked, nearly pleading.
It was at the very moment James realized how scared Remus was. Afraid, once again, that everyone would shun him and hate him.
He looked far too old for his age. Premature wrinkles had begun to form around his eyes, under which bags continued to grow heavier. These signs wouldn't be noticeable if his expression were more carefree. And although his condition had taken its toll on his appearance, he was still quite good-looking. His tawny hair, streaked with gold, fell messily into his eyes. His eyes were light brown, but sometimes, in certain lighting, you could catch specks of yellow. Scars littered his entire body, but rather than taking aware from his appearance, it added to it. It made him appear rougher than he really was. It showed his resiliency.
And James hugged him, unsure of what else he could say. Remus looked shocked at James' way of comforting him, considering his confession.
There was a sharp gasp.
"Oh! The scandal!" Sirius' shrieked.
James and Remus quickly pulled apart.
"Well, I must say, it's darn good luck I only walked in on you two starting up. I might've been scarred for life if I would have walked in on my two best mates bumfucking."
They laughed awkwardly.
"What's wrong with you guys? That was a little bit funny. You should've laughed a bit more than that. I know I don't suck that bad."
"Sorry, Padfoot, but you must because that was not a bit amusing. You could be losing it."
As Sirius began to retort furiously, as he must defend his honor, another thought dawned on him.
"Wait!" He mumbled a few words to himself before continuing. "What exactly were you doing up here? All alone? Together? With no space in between? Faces close? Hands on each other? And very uncomfortable after I came in?" he interrogated.
"Well, you see, we were just--"
"Yanno, so we could hear each other."
"You know how I don't like loud voices."
Sirius looked somewhat embarrassed, which is a very rare thing indeed.
"Er. I'm sorry if I did walked in on anything," he said quickly. He was questioning the words coming out of his mouth, another rare feat. "I'll just leave you guys to it then... Just not on my bed. K?" When he finished, he sped out of the dormitory.
"Okay, what just happened here?"
"I think Sirius left so we could get it on... Just not in his bed."
"Shall we get on with this then?"
"No! I meant we can finish talking."
"Oh. Sure. So are you going to tell me what bloke you fancy then?" James asked excitedly.
"Yeah. I know I sound like a girl saying this, but you can't tell anyone, alright?"
"'Course, mate. So who's the lucky guy that has won a special place in your wet dreams?"
"Yes, I seriously like Sirius," Remus said exasperatedly. "And you aren't funny," he added.
"Yeah, I am!" James replied indignantly. "Anyway... why do you like him? I think I'm much more fanciable."
"Oh, I don't know. Just the way he is. How we always joke back and forth. The way he acts. Every once in a while he'll sneak into my bed at night just to talk. And sometimes he looks at me with these intense eyes. It all makes me trick myself into thinking he likes me too, but then I come to my senses again. I swear he does it all on purpose. He drives me mad.
So, what do you think? Do I have a chance?"
"Shush!" James shouted. "I need silence to think!"
Remus sighed, laid down on his four-poster, and pulled out a book. This could possibly taken a while.
"Aha!" James finally cried, a solid ten minutes later. "I have a plan!"
"I didn't want you to make up some scheme for me to get in his pants, Prongs. I just want to know whether he could ever like blokes... Or me."
"With the most brilliant plan ever you will be able to find that out."
Although Remus was curious about the most brilliant plan ever, he was apprehensive of what this plan might consist of.
"We pretend we're dating."
"C'mon, it's brilliant, as I already suggested.
"Sorry, mate, but I'm not seeing the brilliance. Explain."
"Well, you saw how Sirius reacted to a simple hug, and you know how he is. If he sees us dating, and he secretly wants you, it'll drive him mad until he finally bursts.
"I could just do it with any other gay bloke at school."
"Do you know any?"
"Er. No. I suppose that's the flaw... You wouldn't mind pretending that you're gay?"
"Of course not," James said, as if offended. "I am comfortable enough in my sexuality to not mind a couple people thinking I liked blokes for a couple days. And besides, you aren't ugly or anything so at least I'll be a gay with good taste."
"I can't not believe you are saying this. You are strange."
"Plus, it's like pranking everyone."
"Whatever you say, James."
" I don't think you should call me that anymore."
"Er, sorry, darling, what am I supposed to call you?"
"Some name that hints at our very active sex life."
"Don't be a prude and stop acting like you aren't enjoying this. You get to date the hottest bloke at school. Anyway, I think we should go downstairs and come out."
"We have to make this convincing!" James said as if it was the most obvious thing ever. "And we should probably kiss too so people don't think we are kidding."
"We are," Remus stated plainly.
"Oh, darling! You're so cute!" James said in a falsely high-pitch voice. Then he giggled like a school girl and put his hands on his hips in a very feminine way.
"Just because we're gay doesn't mean we act like girls."
"Do I act like a girl?"
"Sometimes... But then again you turn into a beast once a month so that's sort of manly... But then again, girls--"
"Merlin help me." Remus put his head in his lap and sighed. "You might drive me to suicide."
"You can't talk to your boyfriend like that!"
"Are you sure about this?"
"It'll be a laugh, and you'll find out what you want to know."
"I can't believe I am doing this."
And James skipped with his arms up and his wrists limp the whole way down to the Common Room.
A/N: Dundundunduuun. I ate like a zillion calories worth of chocolate while typing this up. You guys should review. It would make me very happy.