MORE THAN IT SEEMS

AUTHOR: Stompy Bigfoot

DISCLAIMER: Supernatural belongs to Warner Bros., Wonderland Sound and Vision, McG, Eric Kripke, and Robert Singer. I am only borrowing their characters for my own personal pleasure and no permanent harm will come to them.

SUMMARY: Set between Hunted and Playthings. After an agonizing hunt, Dean finds out why Sam left, and more importantly, why he took John's threat of 'never coming back' to the heart.

SPOILERS: Everything up to Hunted.

RATING: R, language, and adult themes.

Italics are thoughts.


6 YEARS AGO

"See you tomorrow love."

Sam gave a shy smile at his boyfriend's pet name, then leaned down to give him a deep breath taking kiss. Ryan in return, gave one of his blinding smiles and walked home. Sam just stood there stupidly staring at him until his figure became just a dot in his sight. Mmm…love his arse…

"HONK" The Impala's horn shook Sam out of his reverie, and he turned towards the sound and grinned at Dean sheepishly. Don't mock me Dean…

As Sam got into the car, Dean looked at Sam slyly. "Mooning over Ryan again? You need to be careful Sam. We don't want dad to know."

"Yeah Dean. Thanks for accepting this."

"Don't mention it. I'm not a homophobe." Dean started the car again, and they all but zoomed out of the school.

I really don't want to know what would happen if dad finds out.

Thank god for Ryan…Sammy needs it…he hasn't been this happy since ever…Ryan's a big help…I need to send him a big thanks tomorrow…

---

Later that night, when Sam and Dean were already asleep in their own respective beds, their father crept across the corridor and into their bedroom. Have to talk to Sam in private...

"Sam, wake up Sam." John shook Sam's shoulder, desperately trying to keep Dean out of it.

"Wh- Dad? What's wrong?" Sam said blearily.

"Come to my room, and only yourself. I have something to show you" his dad whispered, and then walked out of the room, knowing Sam would follow. How dare you do this…I'll give you a memorable lesson.

Wonder what dad wants…definitely not a hunt…he never lets us into his bedroom…did I do something…I wonder…and is that alcohol I detect in his breath…what the hell is going on…

When Sam walked into his father's room, with only his sleeping boxers on, it's too bloody hot during summer in Texas, his dad grinned secretly at the sight. John walked over to him in the doorway, and locked the door behind them…what the hell dad…locking the door…I'm locked in a room with a drunk dad…not good…

"Sam…you fucking queer." Seeing Sam's fearful look, he continued, "oh yes, I know. How could you? What would your mother think? I am not gay; your brother is not gay, so how did you turn up as the black sheep in the family? I always thought you were a disappointment, now this makes me very right. You can't hunt properly, you can't shoot well, you never do what you're told to do, and now adding to the list, your sexuality is also different. I think I never told you, but you know, the demon wanted you, not your mother, you. Do you know how I feel now? Your mother died because of you, and you…you…a disappointment. You're the reason that she's dead, and you aren't even sorry."

Sam had stood frozen on the spot, listening to his father's accusations. His father gave him a sadistic grin, and with one move, had thrown Sam onto his bed, face down. You would pay…pay for everything you'd done to our lives…

Dad's not acting like himself…babbling and repeating himself…he must be very rattled…the wonders of alcohol…what the hell is dad doing…me on his bed face down…what the fuck? Sam started squirming significantly when he felt his father's left hand holding him in place. OW!!! Dad…what the fuck…his father had took out his belt, and using the buckle, he had started to whip his son as if his life depended on it. Dad…you're never like this…I know we had the occasional spanks if we got into deep shit…but never this…dad…please…I will not make a noise…I will not make a noise…

John had continued his whipping session, until his son's back and thighs were all bloody. Now that's better…feel the pain Sammy… Sam had thought John was done for the night…please dad…just stop…By now, he had half moon marks on his palms for clutching too hard, a bloody lip for biting too hard, and very red eyes, from trying to withhold tears. Please dad, I don't want to beg here…please stop… But, John had other ideas, gripping onto the waistband of his son's boxers, with one pull; it was off Sam's legs. Sam didn't even do much protest since he felt half dead already. No dad…not my butt too…I want to at least sit…

John then pushed Sam's head into the pillow, to muffle any sound he was going to make. You have no idea what I have in store for you…and I need to get laid anyway… Sam never expected John to shove his fully aroused penis into his anus dry, without any preparation. Sam never in his right mind expected that, he knew his father was angry, but this, it was something he would never imagine his father would do.

"Why the tears Sam, don't you like taking it up the arse," John growled into Sam's ear. "Oh, you're a virgin, then that's more perfect isn't it? I'm your first." At this revelation, John became more violent and brutal in his movements, forcing Sam to stay conscious throughout the whole torment.

Finally dad…I'm dying here…John finally pulled out after having his release, and then bending over Sam's back, he whispered with fake gentleness, "even though you are a failure and disappointment, you're a great lay. Be sure to expect more sessions."

No dad. I will prove to you I can do well in other things…

---

Dean never knew, and Sam never intended to let his older brother to find out. The next morning, Sam broke it off with his boyfriend, surprising Dean big time. When Dean asked for a reason, Sam simply said, "We decided it was for the best. It's better in the long run for the both of us."

Not a week later, Ryan committed suicide, all my fault…he was so distraught after the break up…I literally killed him when I told him…everything is my fault…and three days after that, the Winchesters moved to Maryland. To move away from there…all this bloody mess happened there…this change is good…

---

PRESENT

"Hey listen here Sam, a new hunt from Bobby. Fairfield, Idaho, males from the age of 12 to 30 has been sexually assaulted by some unknown person. And more, all of them stated that the attacker isn't really there. Of course, that has been dismissed." Dean read from his email to Sam, who was currently nursing his 2nd cup of coffee.

Whooped de do…why does the hunt have to be this…"Mmmm…Okay…" Sam said monotonously.

"Hey…if you don't want to do it, I'll tell Bobby to give it to another hunter." Dean asked Sam in concern seeing his out of focused look.

"No. I'm fine. We'll do it." With that, Sam took his bundle of clothes and toiletries, and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him not too lightly. I wonder what that's about…I swear I didn't say anything to him this time…I'm sure…100 sure… Why dammit…why…Dean cannot find out…it'll be the end of him…

---

3 days later, the boys were in Fairfield, and upon further research, all the victims were either brunets or their body structure was strong and lean. With the usefulness of technology, it was found out that the ghost or attacker was a criminal, charged with sexually assaulting over 50 males. He was thankfully hanged not soon after he was put into jail, and to add more luck, his grave wasn't an unnamed one. Thank God…

---

"Sam? What the hell was that? You don't just stand there with your shot gun staring stupidly at that son-of-a-bitch?" Dean, looking more closely at Sam, saw his faint trembling among the hands, and his pale face, then expressed in more concern, "Sammy, you alright?" Sam just stayed in his slightly catatonic state. I can't tell him… I can't tell him… I can't tell him… I can't tell him…

"Come on Sammy. I'll give you a cup of coffee, and I'll do it myself tonight. It's only a simple salt and burn." That seemed to stir Sam from his stupor. He moved suddenly, almost cartoonishly, and all but shouted, "No."

I can't have you hunting with me…you'll only make it worse for the both of us…come one Sammy…listen to me for once…

"I'll be fine. After all, I've been doing it for 3 years." Sam seemed a bit offended at this, but said nothing to defend himself. Dean soon gave Sam his own homemade coffee, laced with a sleeping capsule (Sam doesn't know), and not an hour later, Sam was snoring fully clothed on his bed. That'll do…but I still find Sam's reaction a bit interesting…he's never like this during a hunt…never for the past year…never seen him like this…'yes you have' his inner brain rebutted…the year before he left…when he broke up with Ryan...I still find it weird that he just broke it off like that…and bull…when he told me it was for the best…I saw the papers that week…Ryan killed himself…and Sam just died…I just didn't get it…why break up with him when it will cause more pain and hurt than settlement…

---

That Son of a Bitch…Dean came home later that night, sporting quite an interesting variety of colours on himself, and a minor concussion. At least I killed that rapist…there you go Fairfield…no more perverted son of a bitch haunting your arses…

---

"Dean. Why did you spike my coffee last night?" Sam asked Dean the next morning.

He noticed then…

"Dean, I'm not dumb. I figured it out after I felt drowsy not soon after drinking your coffee last night." Sam gave his brother a withering look. "Anyway, do explain."

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam's questioning, "I knew you're going to do more damage than good yesterday. Don't be upset over that statement. You were out of it. If I was dancing naked in front of you, you wouldn't even notice."

Oh my, I slept for too long. The sun is already up…let's get up…

Sam nodded, unable to find the right rebuttal for it. Seeing that Dean was making a poor attempt at getting out of bed, he started to speak again. "Stay in bed for the next couple of days Dean, don't try and disagree with me. I cleaned all you cuts and bruises, your ankle just have to rest, sorry, and I think you're sporting a nasty concussion. Don't bother getting out of bed and don't try and argue with me."

Dean looked around his surroundings and noticed for the first time that he was naked except for his boxers, and to his surprise, his car keys were missing from their usual spot. What's wrong with Sam…he never stays too long in one spot…even if one of us is injured…we always get the hell out of dodge…

---

That night, when Dean finally got around to the living again, he found the room empty. Sam left…oh…he didn't…his stuff is still here…then where the hell is he…he slowly got up, and limped to the window, which looked out into the car park. What the hell…Sammy… Sam was sitting in the car with the door opened, sleeping…sleeping? There's a thing called a bed…I'm going to check it out…

After dressing slowly damn ankle…he limped outside, and when he got to a close proximity to the Impala, he found Sammy not sleeping, but listening to his 'mullet rock' collection. What is wrong with Sammy…he's not himself…ever since we started this gig…

"Sammy?" he's listening to my "junk"…mmm…definitely not right…

Sam seemed to be zoned out. Dean raised his voice a little notch, "Sammy? You alive?"

Sam blinked, turned the music off and asked in a dazed voice, "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in bed." Uh oh…don't tell Dean…don't tell Dean…don't tell Dean…

"I'm fine. I'll sleep my injuries off, but you on the other hand…Sammy, you've been hiding something from me from the get go. What is it? Come on, help me out here…Sammy…" Dean broke off dejectedly.

"I...nothing…let's got inside first…" Sam got up, locked the door, and without acknowledging Dean, he breezed into their room.

That was abrupt…

---

Damn Winchester stubbornness…your attitude isn't helping here…I just want to help…Sam had went straight to the bathroom, for a shower, to avoid the confrontation…I know you Sam…but you can't stay in there forever…you're going to have to get out of there eventually…

After an hour of Sam stalling and wool gathering in the bathroom, he finally stepped out of the room. He looked at Dean pleadingly…please…don't make me talk here…and started shuffling his feet with edginess.

"Your puppy dog eyes won't work this time round. We're going to talk, like it or not Sammy." Dean steadied himself in his stance, and stared straight at his brother. I'm going the blunt way…

Sam heaved a forlorn sigh, walked over to his own bed, sat down tiredly, and started to pick at the loose thread at the end of his shirt. Dean…I'm begging you here…you don't want to know…it'll shatter everything…this would kill you…

"You won't believe me, and then you would hate me for saying this…then…" Sam gave out a strangled noise, and continued his thread picking.

This is certainly something very bad…he would never normally say this…

"Just tell me Sammy…I promise I'll believe you…you'd never lie to me something this serious…come on Sammy…" Dean literally pleaded at Sam.

Sam in return, remained silent, but Dean could see the tension drain a bit from his shoulders. Deep breaths…you can do it…it's Dean we're talking about…but it's dad…I'll tell him…and I'll deal with the consequences…no matter what…

Dean sat the opposite of the youngest Winchester on the remaining bed, and waited patiently for him to talk. Come on Sammy, I know patience is virtue, but you know me...I don't do the waiting business…

"I don't know where to start. I…" Sam muttered quietly.

"Just start from where you think is suitable Sammy," Dean said quietly, not wanting to scare Sam to mute again.

Sam nodded, and started his account. "Remember back in 2000, Austin, Texas, there was this blond named Ryan Gillis…"

Flashback

Another town, another school, it's a wonder that I can still pass all my classes. Sam looked up at his number god-knows-what secondary school. Hmmm…Austin high…whatever…

By the end of the day, Sam could say he made a few friends, but one boy stuck out the most, Ryan Gillis, a shy, petit blond. Oh no…first day at school, and I'm mooning over another male…why did I have to be bi…

For the next couple of weeks, Sam's jittery behaviour became apparent to Dean, and Dean, being ever the observant guy when it came to his brother, knew at once what was the problem.

"So Sammy, why don't you just ask that Blond out for a date? By the looks of it, we're going to stay here for a while." Dean asked during dinner, wisely when their dad was away on another hunt. Sam, in response, choked on his food, grew 7 shades redder, and squeaked out, "What?"

"Just ask that guy out. I know you're bi, don't bother hiding it from me. And I promise, I won't tell dad." Sam gave a thankyou grin, and cocked his head to one side at Dean's earlier question.

"How did you know?" Sam looked at Dean through his shaggy bangs.

"I just do. It's the quirks of being a big brother." Dean gave another one of his dazzling grins, and continued with his food.

End Flashback

"…And I asked him out the next day. We dated for around 4 months. I broke it off, and he killed himself 2 days later. Not soon after that, we moved all the way to Maryland."

"I remember. That was the best 4 months of your life before the Stanford episode." Sam finally looked at Dean and gave him a bewildering look.

"You were happy for once. That was until you broke it off with him. Why did you break it off though, and it-was-for-the-best won't be a valid answer. You were unhappy after that. You were moody all the time, your enthusiasm for everything was gone, you basically lost the spark you had when you were with Ryan. And your broodiness didn't improve until Stanford. Why?"

"It was for the best…damn it…" Dean glared at Sam's come back.

"Wait, I haven't finished my sentence yet. I'm being completely honest here. I couldn't continue a relationship after that…damn it dad…"

"What do you mean by 'that'?"

"It was the day before I broke it off. We got home all fine, but apparently I wasn't careful enough. Dad somehow saw Ryan and I having a lip-locking session that afternoon before you picked me up. So, dad being the homophobe he was, well, he…" Sam broke off as one traitorous tear splattered onto his legs. I can't believe I'm crying over something that happened 6 years ago…god…I'm such a pussy…

"What Sam…what did he do…" Dean asked urgently. Dad…what other secrets did you bring to the grave with you…

"He called me to his room that night. You were dead to the world, and he told me specifically to come alone to his room. I didn't think that anything was wrong then, I mean, this is dad we're talking about. I didn't know he found out about it, so I never suspected fishy business. Even with all the alcohol I smelt on him, I didn't think anything was wrong…I died that night…don't think I ever got over it…but I had to deal with it…you can't turn back time…"

"What did he do?" Dean asked Sam more forcefully this time. God dad…what did you do to make Sam this hell bent on keeping it to himself…

"He locked the door right after I got in. That got me a bit suspicious, but I didn't think any further. At first, he gave a speech about how much a disappointment I am and how I'm not grateful of mom, then he just pushed me onto the bed, and the next thing I know, it was his belt buckle repeatedly pounding onto my back and thighs…" Sam couldn't continue on since Dean had started to mutter angrily into the air.

"What! No…tell me he didn't…tell me this is all a bad dream…I'm sorry Sam…I should've been there for you…"

"This is why I didn't tell you. You would start blaming yourself, and more importantly, I didn't want to destroy the image you had of dad. He was a good father to you, you didn't need my own judgment to change your view."

Dean suddenly looked at Sam in the eye again, and said softly, "this isn't all of it is it? I can feel it, there is more to it…because this wouldn't make you break up with Ryan."

"No Dean, don't make me…it wasn't his fault…he was drunk…it was always when he was drunk…" Sam buried his head into his hands, and gave out a small whimper.

What…there was more than once…so that's where it all came from…

Flashback

"Sammy, what the hell?" Dean stared at Sam's back, which was in different stages of healing from his most recent beating. Where did these cuts and bruises come from…

"What, oh, my back, that's nothing, just leave it alone. Nothing to fret over, I can deal with it. Dean." Sam didn't bother to turn around to look at his brother.

"No Sammy. Someone hurt you, and I going to kill him for it." Dean convicted.

"Dean, you delve further into this, and I will kill you. The Impala's needing another paint job, I think neon pink and green is nice, and oh, your tape collection, they need a serious upgrade, there's this CD shop down the road from here, maybe some Vanessa Carlton and Britney Spears." Sam said neutrally.

"Sam…" Dean warned.

"I'm being serious here. This is my own business. You put your nose into this, and I will do worse that paint you Impala and change all your music. I hear that toenails can only be hanged for so long before they fall off."

He is being serious here. Fine then…

"And, if I need help, I'll ask. I promise." With that said, Sam shut the door to their bathroom.

End Flashback

I can't believe it was under my nose all along. Is that why he left…no…is that why he severed any communication between us even though I rang like a million times when he first got there…

Dean, feeling that he should go and comfort his brother…put my pride aside now…Sammy is more important…he got up and lowered himself onto the bed next to Sam. Bringing him into his arms, Sam was settled into a position where his head was half buried into his chest.

After what seemed like forever, Sam continued on, "he just fucked me raw that night. It was the main reason why I broke it off with Ryan. I can't continue a relationship where I cannot give myself fully to them. He deserved better…"

Flashback

"Sam? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Ryan's baby blues looked at him in concern.

I'm so sorry Ryan…this is for the best…I can't do it anymore…not after last night…you don't need my soppy self…you deserve better…I can't hold you back…

"Ryan, I'm sorry. Just know that I love you very much. You are the best thing that happened to me, but I can't do it anymore. I…I'm calling the quits here. I'm sorry…you'd understand it later…it's for the best." Sam gave his lover one last kiss, full of tears and sadness, and left a weeping Ryan in the rain. Walking out of his life…it's for the best…best for everybody…

End flashback

Dean froze at that pronouncement, but continued his grip on Sam, holding him in place. Dad…why…why did you do that…how could you…uh…was it just because he was gay uh…

Never try…do you…such a disappointment…all your fault that Mary's dead…the demon was looking for you…not any of us…you…look at Dean…Sam…why can't you be more like him… Sam gave a soft cry at that memory…rough hands holding him down…alcohol breath breathing down his neck…sore back for hitting the wall way too hard…never healing cuts and bruises for sparring too viciously…white-hot pain in his backside…burning…splitting…it's all your fault we're like this…

"Dad was my first…I wanted my first time with someone special…I don't mean my forever…but somebody that…not just anybody…you know…I stopped dating after that. I couldn't bring myself to look for another person, and by then, I was focusing everything on getting into Stanford. There were some more times, all when he was drunk. He'll be sprouting how I'm a failure, and if he's horny, then I was his bed warmer for the night. It didn't happen all the time, and I forgave him anyway, so, no need to be upset over it Dean. Please tell me he never did that to you, it was the only thought on my mind for the first month after I left…I was worried about it…I almost stayed so I can make sure he didn't do anything to you…but you know me…I wanted more…this was the chance…and when he said never to bring my arse back to home again…it was the last straw…I think that was the only order I ever listened to…sorry Dean…I know you were hurt when I left and when I never replied to your phone calls…I couldn't do it…the pain was still too raw…and I was scared…" Sam whispered into Dean's chest.

Is that why…I mean…I kind of understand why he left…but I never knew he would take dad's threat seriously…damn you dad…all these years I hated Sam for his betrayal for not ever contacting us…for not understanding the meaning of family…but…his real reason for never bothering to contact us…it wasn't because he abandoned us…it was you…you all along…you even told me several times that it's Sam's own fault if we never talk to him again…damn you dad…I hate to say this…but you are one selfish bastard…dad…

Being angry won't help…talking would…"No Sam. Nothing was ever your fault, and I had no idea what dad did, I'm sorry Sammy…he never did those things to me. I should've observed more…all this time I hated you for leaving…no…I hated you more for never contacting us…I thought you hated us too…just left and abandoned is as if we were never part of your life…never thought you would take dad's orders seriously…and now…fuck that bastard…he pushed you away…I don't mean leaving…because we can still be family when we are a million miles away…I mean the fact that you never called or anything…I thought you forgot about us…me…I nearly jumped with joy when you came with me to Jericho…it's so sad when I think about it…to see our relationship demolish to pieces…" Dean looked sadly at the opposite wall, and with one hand, began rubbing soothing circles on Sam's back.

"I never blamed you Dean. You were the best brother anyone would have. If you want to blame, blame me for drifting away during all those years. And, don't go screwing up with dad when he's dead. I forgave him in California, after all, I did provoke him most of the times." Sam explained slowly, as if to a young child.

"WHAT! How can you forgive him? He raped you, made you feel like dirt, a screw-up, blamed you for mom's death, and every solitary issue in our lives, and you just forgave him. You did nothing wrong Sammy, this is all dad's fault and don't argue with me." Dean exploded at Sam's reflection.

"How could dad do that, you were his son. He was the one saying how proud he was that you got a full ride into Stanford. Why dad? Why…"

Sam gave a non-committed shrug, and buried further into Dean's chest. Thanks Dean, for being here for me. I need you here…don't know what would happen if you didn't believe me…

"Hey, may I ask something?" Dean suddenly said after a long time of silence.

"Yeah, what?" Sam replied.

"Did Jess know about it? I mean, you guys shared an apartment and a bed, the sex issue couldn't be avoided." Dean inquired.

Sam laughed at Dean's curiosity. "Oh. I never planned on telling Jess, but 3 months into the relationship, things got heated up, and oh god, it was so embarrassing, I was reduced to tears from flashbacks. Jess, being her compassionate self, comforted me, and when I told her why, she fully understood why I couldn't go any further. She only knew a guy did it, I never told her who. And by the time we moved in together, I was ready, I mean, I was the dominant partner obviously, so yeah. But, we only tried it once, she was like, 'I don't think you're still ready'. I think I clammed up a bit during that. So in turn, we just shared a bed. Nothing else."

"Oh." Dean couldn't keep his snoopiness intact when it came to his little brother. 'Is this why you never hook up with anybody. I mean, I understood it at first, but it's been over a year, and your still living like a monk."

God Dean, stop being so concerned about me…I'm fine now. "Not really. I never got over Ryan, then Jess' death, I just toppled. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm fine now, no need to worry."

Enough mushiness…

"Come on Sasquatch, let's get you to bed." Dean had given Sam a gentle squeeze, then untangled himself from Sam, and tucked Sam into bed. Ruffling his hair just to annoy his brother, he then turned off the light, and crawled into his own bed.

Thanks Dean, for just being there for me…

Oh Sammy…you should've told me before…but anyway…I should bring dad back form the dead and kill him myself all over again…damn it dad…you don't know what you did to Sam…did you…

The End

AN: I am going to have a sequel, which is going to be Wincest, and like my other sex scenes, this one's going to be hurt/comfort. (It's just me).