Disclaimer: I'd like to see you be less insane after all that.
The Music Man
"Welcome to the service of the most feared Dark Lord in history," Peter announced to the group. Normally Lucius did this job but since he'd been arrested it had been dropped into Wormtail's lap, though it was strange that he hadn't just bought his way out of trouble like he normally did.
"Man this sucks," one of the new recruits whispered to his friend as the rat like man continued to drone.
"Yeah man, like total sausage fest."
"Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the group?" Wormtail demanded.
"Like… where are the chicks, man?"
"They've all been disappearing lately," Peter admitted with a frown. "Shall I continue?"
"You mean there aren't any chicks?" the boy demanded.
"Then screw this noise," the boy said as he began taking off his dark robes. "The only reason I joined is to meet girls."
"Wait, you can't do this." Peter watched in horror as the majority of the recruits took off their dark robes and left. "Well at least you men stayed."
"Just to be clear," one of the few remaining recruits began. "It's nothing but men in the service of the dark lord right?"
"For the most part," Peter said slowly.
"Great," the boy cheered.
"Uh… as I was saying…"
"Well?" Harry asked nervously.
"I sent the stories back to Luna using an anonymous owl," Hermione said quickly. "You?"
"I explained to Hedwig that if we send something by another owl that it's because the letter or package is something that is unworthy of being carried by the greatest and most intelligent owl in the world," Harry replied. "And that using her to deliver it would be like using Rembrandt's paintings as toilet paper. I also added that it was wrong to severely beat other owls and take their mail… I uh… don't think she listened to that last bit."
"Good," Hermione said in relief. "Nothing to do now but forget that last night ever happened."
"I still think we should have used memory charms," Harry muttered.
"Drinking until we can't feel is not a memory charm," Hermione growled. "I don't know why you won't listen."
"Because neither of us know any memory charms," Harry said. "Or at least I don't."
"I'm not going to use the one I know," Hermione said. "Side effects may include having your brain leak out your ear and night terrors."
"Fine be that way, humph." Their sulking was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Who could that be?" Harry asked.
"No one is supposed to know we live here," Hermione agreed.
"Check the charms," Harry suggested.
"It's a goblin."
"Oh… let's see what he wants." Harry walked over and opened the door. "Yes?"
"Auror Tonks is looking for the two of you," the goblin explained. "Would you like me to show here this place or would you rather I set up a meeting somewhere else?"
"I trust Tonks," Harry said.
"Yes, bring her here."
"She's waiting in the shop downstairs," the goblin said. "It won't take but a moment."
"What do you think she wants?" Hermione asked.
"I've already repressed every memory that might help me answer that question," Harry said with his nose in the air.
"Hey guys," Tonks said as she walked in. "Nice place you have here."
"Thank you, Tonks," Hermione said. "I haven't had the chance to do much decorating… do you think you could stop by later and help me give the place a woman's touch?"
"Of course I could," Tonks agreed. The other girl's hopeful look tugged at her heartstrings. "Bet Harry's no help for that sort of thing."
"Not much," Hermione agreed. "What did you need?"
"Fox and the Hound have struck again." Tonks dropped the smile and turned back into a professional Auror. "This time they tried to hit the Lovegoods, bloody idiots should have known better."
"Why do you say that?" Harry asked.
"Everyone knows that you don't try to rob and or kill any member of the Lovegood family," Tonks said firmly. "If I remember right, Luna's grandmother used to be one of Grindelwald's most feared killers before Luna's grandfather did… something to him."
"Same thing happened to the previous Fox and Hound," Tonks continued. "Shack tells me that he was there when they tried to arrest them as they came out of the Lovegood house."
"Said the Fox knocked over three people on her way out and that the Hound went through a group of Aurors like they were school children. Whatever they saw." Tonks shuddered. "I don't even want to know."
Harry and Hermione shared a glance. "Let's go then."
"Here, take my hand." Tonks held out her hand. "I'll get you there in a jiff."
They arrived at the Lovegood residence with a pop and Harry spent several minutes examining the wards. "These are rather shoddy, let me just put some new ones up and we can be on our way."
"You aren't going to investigate?" Tonks demanded.
"I can't see any signs of entry," Harry replied quickly.
"What did you say they took?" Hermione asked to distract the Auror from her friend.
"That's the strange thing," Tonks began. "Luna tells me that they just took some stories she wrote using the family spells."
"Oh?" Hermione said nervously.
"Yeah," Tonks agreed. "She also said that they were returned this morning. Weird, huh?"
"Got it," Harry said. "Shored everything up and filled in the gaps."
"Harry, Hermione." Luna said in delight. "You've come to rescue me."
"I demand that you take my daughter with you when you hunt those thieves down," Luna's father appeared suddenly. "They refused to ravish my daughter and that is an insult that I can never forgive."
"Oh, Father, I'm sure that they were just shy."
"Are you sure, skunk weed?"
"I'm sure, Father," Luna agreed. "Just give me a bit of time to work with them and I'm sure that I'll be properly ravished."
"If you say so, crab apple."
"I say so, Father," Luna said with a dreamy grin.
"Let's get out of here," Harry whispered to his friend.
"You'll be right behind me," Hermione agreed.
Fred and Angelina re-entered Diagon Alley that afternoon.
"I mean, yes, it was a good musical, but to see it twice in two days? What's up with that?" the tall, athletic Chaser asked.
"I'll show you in a minute."
"And why the memorization charm?"
"Here we are. Step over there and watch." Fred directed Angelina Fred conjured a small wooden box and stepped on it, facing the newest establishment in the wizarding shopping street, the Diagon Alley Pool Hall and Bar.
"My friends," Fred began.
"Well, either you're closing your eyes…
… To a situation you do now wish to acknowledge…
… And that rhymes with "P" and that stands for pool!"
And in a singsong voice, Fred collected a crowd of people who looked at the Pool Hall in disgust as he finished the song from The Music Man.
It was the reaction that he mostly wanted. Fred and George just loved being at the centre of attention. They might have gone into acting had they not been so in love with pranks.
What he didn't expect was the voice that yelled out after he finished (and bowed to his audience):
"Fred for Minister!"
The chant was quickly taken up as the new candidate slowly made his way back to his shop. Angelina, following as well as she could with the crowd, overheard bits and pieces of conversation.
"Yea, that Fred Weasley's got new ideas!"
"He cares for the children."
"He knows how to talk to a crowd. Ain't never heard Fudge so fair spoken."
She shook her head.
The event certainly was good for Weasley Wizarding Wheezes, though. The crowd followed Fred into the store, and a good number picked up something. After a half hour of sales and "You've got my vote, Fred," the store returned to it's normal state of business.
At which point Angelina, who had finally reached Fred's side, noticed an Auror enter the shop and make his way towards them.
"What can I do for you, officer," Fred asked.
"Just wanted to say I enjoyed your speech, Mr. Weasley. Good luck on your candidacy. But I just wanted to point out, in case you didn't know, that Fudge owns the pool hall."
"Oh. That fits with the story, so I'm not surprised. Well thank you officer."
"Have a nice day, Mr. Weasley. Oh, and you have my vote."
"Good job, Fred," Angelina whispered. "But I want our next date to be a bit quieter."
"Tomorrow afternoon?" Fred suggested.
"Sure," Angelina agreed. "Just don't take me to the same musical again, twice is enough."
"This is where you kiss me goodbye," she demanded.
"Right," he agreed with a smile. "Come over here."
"Well?" Dumbledore asked.
"Potter has moved to a new and unknown location," Kingsley said. "Before he did, I managed to make an… unofficial survey of his prior residence."
"Did you find anything?" Dumbledore asked eagerly.
"I managed to get into Potter's chest, yes," Kingsley agreed.
"I'd rather not say," the Auror demurred.
"Out with it, man," Snape demanded.
"Potter has… Potter has the largest collection of pornography I've ever seen," he admitted. "Things in his collection go back centuries."
"Harry collects pornography?" Dumbledore asked dully.
"Loads and loads of it," Kingsley agreed. "Things I've never heard of; statues, paintings, drawings, pictures, books, magazines. You name it and he's got it."
"Harry collects pornography?" Dumbledore asked dully.
"I believe he already answered that question Albus," Snape said gently.
"You think you know someone," Dumbledore said slowly.
"Cissy," Bellatrix squealed. "You've come to visit."
"That I have, Sister," Narcissa agreed. "How are you liking it here?"
"It's great," Bellatrix replied quickly. "I have books to read and a garden and it's so fun."
"I found something to make it even better," Narcissa said with a grin. "Look who I have?"
"Mister Poki," Bella squealed as she hugged her childhood toy. "Where did you find him?"
"He was packed up in one of mother's boxes." She didn't bother mentioning that it had taken her several days to find the stuffed thestral. Damn Voldemort and Azkaban for what they had done to her sister.
"Have a seat, Sister," Narcissa suggested. "Is there anything you'd like to do?"
"Read to me," Bellatrix demanded.
"Alright," Narcissa agreed. "Fox in Socks by Doctor Seuss…"
The people in Diagon Alley began looking around nervously when loud music drowned out all the normal sounds of commerce.
"What's that on the roof of that building?" One of the people screamed.
"It is I," Ron replied. "The Dark Wizard Jeremy… "
"And us, his dark minions the Dark Bunnies."
"Dark Bunnies?" One of the people overcame their fear long enough to ask.
"Silence," Ron screamed. "It is time for you all to taste my wrath."
"YES," Ron yelled back as he cast his spell. "Bwahahaha…Evil."
"Yay, Master," the minions cheered.
"Come girls, let us be off."
"What did he do? I don't… I gotta go home."
In ones, twos, and in one case tens. The people of Diagon Alley went off in search of a private place to… relieve some tension.
"Fred," Angelina growled.
"Got just the thing," Fred agreed quickly. "The WWW Patented Prototype Portable Bed."
It was a scene that repeated itself several times throughout the wizarding world. The long-term effects wouldn't be felt for nine months when the wizarding population in the United Kingdom tripled. In the short term, people were already beginning to regret snap decisions made in the heat of the moment…
"See you later, sonny boy," Neville's Gran said as she popped her teeth back into her mouth.
"Oh god," Dean managed to gasp between dry heaves.
AN: Look up 'the Music Man' if you want to know all the song Fred sang, didn't include it to comply with