Disclaimer: Remus always was a rule following type.
Twice is Coincidence
"What are you doing Luna? And come to think of it, when did you show up?"
"Hello grammy I just arrived," Luna said cheerfully. "How are you doing today?"
"Wonderful child," the old woman replied. "Now what are you doing?"
"Opening the safe to remove the family spells," Luna replied as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "What are you doing?"
"Talking to you," the old woman sighed. "Where did you learn the combination?"
"So why are you removing the family spells?"
"Because I'm going to accept a proposal soon," Luna replied. "Why are you removing the family spells?"
"I'm not, I'm speaking with you."
"But you're helping me remove them."
"I suppose one could look at it like that," the old woman allowed. "Then it's because you're my granddaughter and I enjoy helping you."
"Ok grammy . . . oh, before I forget. I bought six gallons of whipping cream that you're going to have to whip," Luna said with a firm nod. "I'd do it myself but I don't know the spells."
"Why am I going to need to do that?"
"Because grampy likes to mix whipping cream and seduction of course," Luna said dumbly. "Did you forget, are . . . are you getting senile like Dumbledore?"
"I wasn't aware that he was planning to seduce me tonight," the old woman said calmly. "And please don't compare me to Dumbledore in the future."
"He's not, you're planning to seduce him."
"I am, am I? When was I planning to find out that I was planning to do that?"
Luna paused and mentally reviewed the conversation. "Oh . . . I forgot to tell you, the Fox and the Hound are going to try to rob you and I'm going to be waiting for them here. I was hoping that you could distract grampy?" Luna pleaded.
"Why not just capture them and eat their souls?"
"Because they're going to be my betrothed," Luna explained.
"I thought you were in love with the Pot . . . ah, I think I understand."
"Possibly," she agreed. "If some of my preconceptions are wrong . . . quite an elegant plan if my suspicions are correct. Would you mind asking the Potters to ward our house later?"
"And thank you for getting the whipping cream dear, that was very good of you."
Luna basked in the approval. "I try grammy."
Harry spun and had his wand in his hand and pointed at the Death Eater's throat. "What do you want?" Harry demanded. His eyes shifting from side to side searching for more opponents.
"I'm here alone," the Death Eater held up two hands covered in white leather gloves. "And unarmed."
"So what do you want?" Harry growled, not letting his guard down.
"I'm here on behalf of the other Death Eaters," he said. "We were hoping that you could rent one of your spare properties to us."
"You want me to do what?" Harry asked with a smile.
"Rent out one of your properties," the muggle Death Eater repeated himself. "We were hoping that you might have a spare you weren't using."
"Well, it's not that I don't have spare houses." Harry began. "It's well . . . aren't you all planning to kill me?"
"Oh we've gotten away from that," the muggle Death Eater assured him. "We just want a place where we can meet and have a . . . well, not to get to graphic but . . ."
"I understand," Harry said quickly. "But I'm still having a hard time getting around the idea that you've stopped trying to kill me."
"Well . . . I personally never wanted to kill you, that was all Voldemort."
"And he's decided to stop?"
"I don't know," the muggle Death Eater admitted. "All he seems to do is sit in his room and mope about how he really is a feared Dark Lord. We've all decided to get away from him, change our names and our images and start anew."
"What about muggles? Do you still want to kill them?"
"I'd hope not," the muggle Death Eater said quickly. "I'd have to kill myself."
"But . . .?"
"I just joined to meet men," he explained. "Well?"
"So long as you don't take Voldemort with you then I think I can find a place for your meetings," Harry agreed. The Malfoy Manor really had been vacant for too long. "Uh . . . you wouldn't be willing to do a few favors for me would you?"
"I heard you were married?"
"Happily," Harry said quickly. "And I don't want those types favors. I was wondering if you'd be willing to drop a few items off in Voldemort's headquarters?"
"While he's in it I suppose?"
"It won't be dangerous will it?"
"Shouldn't be," Harry said. "For you anyway."
"Then I think we have a deal," the muggle Death Eater said happily.
"Pleasure doing business with you." Harry held out his hand.
"Uh . . . one more thing."
"Feel free to ignore this question if you want."
"How's being a muggle Death Eater working out for you?" Harry asked. "I'd have thought it would be a bit awkward what with the whole . . . hating muggles thing."
"Oh it did," the Death Eater agreed. "That's why we've decided to find a new place to hold our meetings."
"So, how are things now that Draco's moved out?" Bellatrix asked her big sister happily. She smiled coyly at the blush on Narcissa's face.
"Very, very good," Narcissa fairly purred. "He's so considerate, and skilled, and such stamina!"
"Aw, that sounds lovely!" Bellatrix said, a wistful look on her face. "If only my husband had been like that. Bastard always thought of himself first... Truth be told, that's part of the reason I went mad."
"Really?" Narcissa asked, intrigued. Bellatrix nodded, cuddling Mr. Poki.
"I have never once had an orgasm. Ever. Nobody has even gotten close!" She broke into tears. "Oh! It drove me mad! MAD!"
"But I thought-?" Narcissa began.
"No! Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT get off on pain!" Bellatrix bawled. Narcissa sighed . . . Before an evil smile came over her face.
'Well, I did tell Remus I was open to . . . Certain things...' "Sister, I have it. The solution," Narcissa said. Bellatrix looked up, sniffling and hugging Mister Poki.
"Have you ever heard of a threesome?"
"... Cissy, I love you!"
Harry returned to the apartment to find Hermione dressed up in her costume and getting ready for a job.
"More important," Hermione said absently. "I'll be back soon."
"Planning to go without me then?"
"I . . . I don't think you'll approve of this job," Hermione admitted.
"I'm going to go . . . borrow Luna's grandmother's family spells," Hermione said slowly.
"You remember what happened the last time."
"I remember, I've learned from that." Hermione said smugly. "I'm almost positive that nothing can go wrong this time."
"Uh huh . . ." He gave her a flat stare. "Well, before we do that there's another job we have to do. Strip out of that outfit and get into your other clothes."
"Ok," she purred. "How about my teachers robes?"
"Not those clothes, your other clothes . . . we'll get to that later."
"I think I've figured out a way to beat Voldemort," Harry mused. "Well . . . contain him anyway."
"Harry that's wonderful."
"So let me get this straight," Frank began. "The Fox and the Hound have reappeared and they're being hunted by Harry Potter and his wife. The Dark Lord Voldemort lost the election to be the official Dark Lord to your master the Dark Lord Ron Jeremy who named his followers the Dark Bunnies and my son is serving him as his chief enforcer Peter the Dark Enforcer of the North."
"While he lost the election for Dark Lord, he did narrowly beat out former Minister Fudge to be the Dork Lord. There's a reason that all the Death Eaters are male and the guys who aren't into that have formed another group called the Dark Frat Boys about whom there are rumors that the Death Eaters are changing their names to the Dick Eaters and ditching Voldemort to form their own group. Professor Snape is a mincing boy hungry pedofile who was molesting Dumbledore who's too senile to know what was happening.
"And on top of all that the top Ministry Auror is a tentacle monster named Tim?"
"Close enough," the Dark Bunny agreed. "Now do you want to know what happened before this summer?"
"No," Frank said faintly. "That's ok, I think I've heard enough . . . is it too late to go back into a coma?"
"Shut up Frank," Alice giggled. A smile lit up her face as she turned back to Daphne. "Now tell me more about my son darling."
"Where are we?" Hermione asked.
"Right outside Volde's lair," Harry replied. "I had one of the Death Eaters take a few things through the wards in exchange for letting them rent the Malfoy Manor and turn it into a gay night club."
"Oh . . . what have they decided to name it?"
"I think they're staying with Malfoy Manor," Harry said absently. "Watch my back while I do this."
"Did you know that a primitive form of the Fidelius charm was originally used by thieves hide their jobs from prying eyes?"
"You're going to Fidelius his hideout?" She asked flatly. "I suppose it would be annoying but how is that going to contain him?"
"Use that brain of yours," Harry said with a grin. "Show me that a thought or two goes behind those pretty eyes of yours."
"Bastard," she said playfully. "You're . . . going to invert it?"
"Precisely," Harry agreed. "Watch my back."
"Right . . . and Harry?"
"You think my eyes are pretty?"
"Remus," Narcissa began with a coy smile. "Remember when I said I was open to . . . certain things?"
"What about it?" He asked.
"Well . . . do you also remember how I told you that I was going to make you the happiest man in the United Kingdom while simultaneously traumatising the hell out of my son?"
"Remus, do you think you could do me a favor?" Narcissa said in a childish voice. "If you say yes then I promise I'll make it worth your while."
"What do you want?" He sighed.
"I've just learned some rather shocking things about my poor sister Bellatrix," Narcissa began. "Her husband treated her much worse then I'd previously been led to believe."
"I was hoping you'd be willing to help me cheer her up," Narcissa said while drawing little circles on his chest with the tip of her finger. "If you do that it'll make me very happy and if you make me very happy then I'll put a grin on your face that'll have to be surgically removed."
"Sure," he agreed. "So what, do you want me to read to her or something?"
"We could do that," Narcissa allowed. "But I'd much rather multi task, it'd save sooooo much time."
"Multi . . . task?"
"Yes, come in Bella," Narcissa called out. "Why don't you help me cheer Bella up while I put that smile on your face."
"You mean . . ." Remus was conflicted. On the one Hand, the woman before him had been responsible for the death of his best friend. On the other . . . "Narcissa, I love you." Sirius would understand. After all, walking away from this situation would be a major violation of the man code.
Meanwhile on the other side of the veil.
"...and make her yell out my name at least once!"
"Sirius what are you doing?"
"Umm. Nothing, Lily. I was just making sure Remus was happy."
"Hmmm. You're probably up to something, but I'm sure it's something I'd rather not know about, so lets go get James. He's been watching Luna and talking to her mum and crying about how proud he is of Harry."
AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, ubereng, Brian Arcis, Shalon Wood, Fenris, Pelel, peterson9803, Andrew Joshua Talon, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes. Still more go to Andrew Joshua Talon who wrote much (most) of the subplot with Narcissa, Remus, and Draco.