Inside of You
Disclaimer: Seriously, if I owned those characters I would have hung myself already for doing such a bad job writing the crap we got to watch last season.
A/N: I know the subject I'm dealing with in this story here is kinda tough and honestly I never wanted to write drama but sometimes life just doesn't ask for a happy fairytale and happens. Some of you might already know why I chose to write it. To the rest: I hope you like to follow my story of Luke and Lorelai dealing with something major happenings in their life. Enjoy.
The story is meant to happen during episode 7.04 when Lorelai and Christopher had their date. I'm sorry that Chris appears in this story but I promise to get rid of him soon ;)
Big thanks here to my beta readers Jessi and Elizabeth. You two are the best!
Side note: It's my third story written in English so please be nice :). I think I'll stick with T rating the whole story. And now enjoy. Reviewing is, of course, always appreciated :D
°°°°° Chapter One °°°°°
Sometimes the answer you have always looked for lies just inside of you.
It was her first date in almost two years and it was a first date with a man she had already had a lot of first dates with. However the time had never been right for them. At least that was what he had told her and she wanted to believe that.
When it came to Chris, her life usually turned into a disaster whenever he showed up, but after all that had happened with Luke he was the only one who still wanted her and wanted to do everything to make it work, and that was exactly what she needed at the moment. A man that would fight for her.
Although the idea of her and Chris as a couple made her feel sick, she was willing to give it a try. After all, he had always wanted to marry her ever since she had Rory and right now that her life was turned upside down she felt the confidence to start over with him. She was willing to forget how happy she had been with Luke. She wanted badly to forget the bad times that were haunting her sleep as well. She wanted her thoughts to be Luke-free and her head filled with memories that didn't hurt. Memories that didn't matter so much and weren't worth holding on to, and with Chris it could work.
So she got herself ready for her date even though it felt weird. She didn't dress up usually, being nervous at the same time about the choice of clothes. She never had had to impress Luke so he would find her sexy. Although she loved making him blush when she wore a short skirt and a top that would play with her female curves. He would look at her in amazement even if she would have worn just jogging pants and a shirt. He had been always that kind of guy that -- She had to stop thinking about the man she had left. It was not good to torture herself and to waste her time thinking of him. She had to focus on the man that would knock on her door soon to pick her up to a very romantic date.
Searching for something that Chris would like, she randomly chose the green dress hanging in the very back of her closet. She had bought it together with Rory when she had been depressed that her coffee maker broke and Luke didn't want to fix it within the next two days. That was because she hadn't listened to him when he had warned her not to plug it in the same outlet as the toaster, saying something about the power line and her circuit breakers. She had been stubborn and Luke had taught her the hard way by not fixing it immediately.
She smiled but it faded soon and turned into a low, calm breath. Of course, another memory of Luke. Another thing she had forgotten to pack into her garage. This man was impossible to get rid of! Everything she owned had a connection to him in some way or the other.
The thought itself caused her a second of a tummy ache and her eyebrows cocked. She got mad at him. Sure, it wasn't his fault that he was present everywhere, but how much did she had to suffer?
"Get finally out of my life!" she thought out loud and grabbed the dress. She would wear it. She would give it another meaning. It would become a dating dress she would choose to wear for Chris and it would no longer hang here and mock her. It looked too nice to be thrown into a box that would mold in her garage for decades. Plus he had told her that he had a surprise for her and she wanted to surprise him with her outfit.
She checked herself in the bathroom mirror as she heard the door bell ringing. She was planning to enjoy the evening. She wanted to experience the whole concept of a new man. She was sure about that and grabbed her lipstick to add some colour and give herself more confidence that this was the right thing to do. When she got on her shoes, she gave the mirror a last glance "I'm starting over today." she told her reflection and nodded while giving it a smile. She didn't know yet that the past would not allow that.
Their date went perfect. They watched a movie, picked up her mom from the police station, and were now heading for her home. Their date had had something romantic, something incredibly funny and now the part with trusting and letting someone into your life would start.
She had sorted it all out in her head while she had been away for her date. Luke had never been the one. It was Chris she had a daughter with. It was him who had wanted to marry her right from the start and he had been there when she had needed someone that night she broke up with Luke. And, after all, he still was here.
She felt happy when she had her mind finally agreeing with her. Her gaze fell on the man beside her and he smiled when she looked at him with her big blue eyes.
She glanced away quickly, though, to look out of the window and took a breath. Who was she kidding?
She didn't feel that ready for him. She didn't feel ready at all to start something new. She felt sick since she and Luke had broken up. She hadn't eaten much nor was she sleeping well. She tried to stop her mind from thinking by working like a horse. This thing here with Chris was a lie but she had to move on.
She looked over at him again and he placed a hand on hers. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah, everything is fine," she lied.
The truth was that because of the pain of losing her best friend and the love of her life she didn't feel well. The last weeks full of stress seemed to have had an effect on her. She felt blurry here and there, had been throwing up several times during the last weeks and tonight her belly was hurting from time to time. Of course her body had to mess with her on her date. Yet she didn't think about it much though. She blamed it on the food and that she probably didn't eat enough. And Chris didn't need to know about it. He had been sweet on the date and she would give him a chance to make this evening perfect.
She smiled at him but when she prepared her mind for where the evening might lead, she felt that pain again. It was sharp and she couldn't really decipher the source but it felt like one of her inner organs was cramping.
"Ouch…" she said as her hand went to her abdomen.
"You okay?" Chris asked.
"It's nothing," she waved him off. "Just… ouch," the cramp went right thru her whole body.
"Lor?" he asked again, a little bit worried.
"I.. I don't know. Your food is attacking me," she joked, trying to keep up the good mood.
"Well the food from the restaurant you picked!"
"It's not attacking me, so it must be you."
"How charming," she slapped him on the arm.
He chuckled at their bantering. He was proud that he was going home with her. It was really going well for him. She was open for new opportunities and he liked that. Maybe that diner owner wasn't that important to her after all.
His hand found hers and he intertwined their fingers. She smiled. The pain from two minutes ago had already subsided.
They arrived in the drive way just then and got out of the car together. The air was warm and Lorelai really was considering taking this date a little bit further. She really had had a nice evening. She had managed not to think about Luke the whole time and Chris was being very patient with her. And her stomach would calm down eventually.
"So Lorelai, what do you say about a glass of wine on the couch?" he asked, singing in her ear.
"Uhm.. why not," she answered and tried to get rid of the uneasiness that rushed through her veins. With one quick move she angled his forearm and was leading him in the direction of her front porch.
They didn't come far though. Someone stepped out of her garage, almost bumping into them.
"Oh I'm sorry Babette I didn't mean to take so lo.." the man trailed off when his eyes had finally managed to gaze up from the ground and he could see whom he had almost tripped over. The surprise was clearly written in his face. "Lorelai? Chr.." he swallowed realizing what kind of situation he must have disturbed. "Erm, don't feel bothered... I'll be gone soon."
Lorelai's heart sank.
Closing her eyes as if she could be somewhere else right now, she turned around "L.. Luke?" she managed with weak and shaky voice.
Her wishes weren't heard. She was right. There he was, Luke. The man who had been her fiancé three months ago. The man that had hurt her like no one else before and the one that made her still ache for him painfully.
"Wha.. what.. ar…" but her voice was just gone.
"I'm sorry to disturb you," he said sad with a glimpse of anger when he actually saw Christopher standing right next to Lorelai like it was the most normal thing in the world. "I.. " he took a deep breath and brought more force into the voice. "I was looking for a small metal thing from the boat. It must have fallen off when you sent it to me and since I cannot get it at a shop anymore because apparently the thing is as old as the boat itself, I thought it might still be in your garage."
Lorelai was still starring at him like she was in trance. Her breathing was calm and heavy at the same time. She hadn't seen him in weeks and of all the things in the world she did not wish to happen right now, Luke seeing her on a date with Christopher was definitely high on the list.
"Did you find anything?" he tried to sound hopeful.
"I cleaned the whole room after I got rid of all your stuff."
She sounded icy. It almost seemed like autopilot. The feeling of hurt transformed into a wall of defence when she saw him and he standing there in his blue flannel with his blue baseball cap looking at her like her Luke was like a dream out of an alternative universe. But she knew this here was real and the distance between both of them right there. It had been a desert of communication and now there was just silence left for them. Right now it was just too much for her to deal with.
Apparently her stomach agreed with her on that.
"Ouch," she felt a sharp pain and her hand went down to her abdomen immediately.
Chris saw her facial expression changing from shocked to painful and decided facing Luke and having trouble with the meal they had was not a good combination "Lorelai come on. Let's get into the house and have some ginger ale to get rid of your stomach ache."
Luke was about to say something but one sharp glance from Christopher silenced his concerned look. He couldn't do anything. He was not in the position anymore to be there for her. Even though his anger was rising with every minute because he knew exactly what Chris was up to, he stayed calm. It was none of his business anymore. He had to let her go.
Days after the break up he had already realized that Chris wasn't the only person to judge for what had happened that night. It had been him who hadn't been there for Lorelai in the first place and it was her who gave their relationship the final kick. They all had had their input in this mess and he knew that.
"Luke should go now," Chris stated as he wrapped one arm around Lorelai, who was just looking passively onto the ground, to make it even clearer he was now the man at Lorelai's side.
"Just.. just look out for her," he said quietly before he started moving away from the front yard.
"Yeah," he turned around.
"Just don't come here again. You have done enough for her already."
"Chris.." Lorelai spoke up to silence him with the annoyance in her voice. She didn't want to have an argument right now. She was tired and she still could feel her stomach hurting a little. She just wanted to get inside.
Luke took a sharp inhale through his clench teeth "You're not even worth arguing with," he shouted and began again to walk away.
"Don't play the puppy now that got kicked, man. What happened was your own fault," he snapped at him with a small smile appearing on his lips.
He really had to start this now.
"Chris…. Please," Lorelai shut her eyes tight and wished again to just disappear. She could already feel Luke's anger rising.
And as expected Luke stepped angrily forward "Hey, you don't have any right to judge.."
"Luke.." Lorelai pleaded desperately but she sensed it was already too late. They seemed to ignore her begging them not to fight. With a deep sigh, she let her head drop into her palms. "Here we go," she mumbled and listened to the two fighting testosterone-loaded males in her garden.
"I'm with her now. Don't you get that, diner man? I already told you once that you were just the 'for now' guy. Now, she left you," he said with disgust.
"You better shut up otherwise…"
"And if not then what? Will you punch me again like a jealous monkey? You lost her buddy. You messed up big time. She came to me," pointing with a finger at himself to make it visible to Luke that he wasn't welcome here anymore.
"And you couldn't be just a supportive friend, huh? You had to jump her right then,"' he yelled back in the same tone.
"Luke, Chris. Stop it!" Lorelai said angry. "This is not the time."
"Well actually Lorelai this is exactly the right time. Now that we're all here," Chris barked and got louder with every word, waving the red flag for all of them.
Lorelai jumped in. She had to end this. "Chris shut up! What happened between me and Luke is none of your business. I can speak for myself if I have to. I'm not a silly helpless girl that needs a macho man to yell at her ex boyfriend for her," she shouted at him, which caught him off guard.
"And Luke!" she turned faced him now. "You have no right to turn up and be moody on my date. You didn't want to have me. You didn't come after me. You let me go. You kept secrets. You have no reason to act jealous now. So go!" It was hard for her to throw all those things right at him. She knew she had been a factor as well but it was too much to take right now.
"You cheated on me Lorelai. You left me no choice. It had to be right then. You didn't give me time, neither to marry you nor to explain my situation."
"You kept your daughter from me. What is there to explain?" She was yelling now.
He was silent for a moment "And you had to go to him," his finger went to Chris. "Right after we broke up. Oh, sorry, after you broke up and forgot to tell me."
"After you didn't want to marry me."
"You gave me a stupid ultimatum!"
"And you pushed me away!" Her eyes were showing tears now and her voice got almost stuck in the flow of emotions that blurted out together with the words she directed at Luke.
"But him Lorelai? Really?" his finger remained on a lost-looking Christopher. "For god's sake we wanted to marry. We wanted to have kids. Did that mean anything at all to you?"
She just looked at him.
"And after a few weeks you're already dating him?" he continued "Dating the man who let you down with your child?"
That was a point and it hit her right in the guts. A wave of aching returned but she tried to swallow it and not to look weak.
"Hey, hey, hey," Chris interrupted him "You are telling me I'm not good for her? Look in the mirror, diner man. I didn't have secrets I hid from her."
"Chris please," she tried again to silence him but he wouldn't listen.
"And for the records: I did not abandon my daughter!" he continued. Throwing angry words on him.
"No, you just disappeared during history over and over again," Luke said flatly. He didn't have the energy and time to argue with this fool.
"And you?" he started laughing. "You cannot even give her a life. You don't even have enough money to buy yourself some proper clothes."
"I don't leave a woman alone with a newborn child!" he fought back.
"She was gone," he screamed.
"And you didn't search."
"Stop it!! Both of you!" Lorelai yelled at them. "Neither of you has the right to judge my life or the decisions I make and with whom I want to spend my time with."
"Well I'm sorry, Lorelai, that I care about you," Luke said upset and looked right into her eyes. She could feel the sadness that lay in his glance.
"It's too late, Luke," she responded calmer and shook her head when she fought back the tears that wanted to well up. She had a hard time looking him into the eyes. "It's too late now."
He lowered his head.
Chris on the other hand who was still angry about him ruining the evening he planned to have with Lorelai, walked right in front of him.
"Go now, diner man," he barked. "I'll send you a check so that you can buy whatever you need for that shipwreck of yours. Don't bother showing up again."
"Back away right now," he said while trying to keep control of his right fist.
"Chris! Luke! Can you two finally--" but she didn't speak any further. Her stomach hurt again and she pressed her hand hard against her belly, bending over a bit.
"Luke, she wants you to go. So leave," Chris insisted. But Luke ignored him and quickly got on Lorelai's side, touching her shoulders and trying to protect her from falling down.
When she felt his fingers on her, the next cramp followed and her breathing got faster.
"Lorelai are you alright?" he asked concerned although it was obvious that she was not.
"Ow!" A painful groan left her throat and the pain caused her to let herself sink to the ground. Both her arms were holding her tummy and her eyes got wet from the ache she felt inside her body.
"My god Lorelai, talk to me. What's wrong?" Luke was helpless and hated that he didn't know what was hurting her. He kneeled down next to her, running his eyes over her body to find a source for her sudden pain.
"Lorelai?" Chris shook her lightly, his voice also full of worry.
"Luuke…" she called his name and started crying. She was rocking back and forth on her knees with her upper body to breath through the pain. It was a pain she had never felt before in her life. It was as if something was pulling on her guts only to loosen them again and to tie a knot afterwards to have the opportunity to tear it apart.
"Luke," she grabbed his hand and he could feel her fingernails digging into it. She looked up at him with glassy eyes as her gasping for air went from deep to heavy until it was erratic. He could read it in her glance before she even said a word. "Help me," she whispered full of pain when her head fell into his lap. And he also could hear it in her voice that she needed him right now. He could feel it with every fibre of his body that something serious was not right with her.
"Christopher, you drive! " he said when he pushed him up to go and turn on the engine.
"What are you talking about?"
"We have to get her to the hospital!" he shouted. It was an order, not something he would argue about.
Christopher reacted immediately when he saw Lorelai's eyes pressed together in pain. Luke was right. Something was happening to her that needed a doctor. He got his car keys out of the jacked and ran to his car.
Meanwhile, Luke tried to help her up carefully. But when she curled up in a ball because of another cramp he forgot about that and lifted her off the ground. He carried her carefully to the car.
Chris started the motor right after Luke crawled into the back with Lorelai.
"Yeah," he confirmed and tried to give Lorelai as much comfort as possible by stroking over her back. She still was very tense under his touch and he grew more worried with every passing second.
"Hit the gas pedal and don't you dare even think about hitting the brakes," he called from the backseat to Christopher.
On that note, Chris got out of the driveway and headed to the hospital.
During the drive, Lorelai's condition got worse. She was sweating all over and her breathing increased because of a different, much more forceful pain. Luke was holding her hand and she squeezed it hard every time she felt a cramp.
"Lorelai," he was shaking her lightly. "Do you have any idea what is wrong?" It was frightening him not to know what was causing her such physical torture. It was one thing for him to wish that she felt the same hurt that he did after she left him but to see her like that fighting with her health was breaking his heart.
"Hey," he spoke quietly again reminding her of the question and at the same time made sure that she was still with him.
"I don't know." Her breathing was heavy and long. "I don't know. It hurts like hell."
"Where?" he pushed a strand of hair out of her face tucked it behind her ear.
"My tummy." She could barely speak clearly. Her eyes were closed while she tried to be strong and to sit it out and hide how bad it really felt. But the next wave hit hard and she couldn't hold anything together anymore.
"Aahh-hahh!" Tears ran down her face, now covering it in a grey glistening curtain made out of wet mascara and salt. She curled up and Chris too was now worried as hell as he saw her in the rear view mirror.
"How far away are we, Luke?" he asked from the front. He couldn't believe that their food had been foul and she was the only one who had actually gotten sick.
"Ten minutes…. take that right turn at the traffic light there," he said kind of absent, looking out of the window and making sure that Christopher would not stop at the red light. He didn't. He was driving at a steady speed of 65 miles per hour.
Luke felt Lorelai's hand grabbing for his again. He looked down and smiled at her "Hey it will be alright," he reassured her and gently stroked her forehead. Her skin felt hot and sweaty there and after a growl out of her throat she started shaking.
"Shhh" His head went closer to hear ear. "Just be strong a little while longer. We're almost at the hospital and then you'll get help."
She nodded in response but when the pain struck deeper, her breathing turned into frantic gasping for air and she kicked one of her feet against the car door in a weak attempt to fight the pain.
"Hurry up," he said to Chris.
Then it fell silent for a while.
Chris was driving quietly and Luke was sitting there with his eyes on the woman lying next to him. Her breathing seemed to be calmer now and he figured her cramps had subsided a little bit, which was a small relief. He had her head resting in his lap and let his fingers slowly glide over it to give her comfort.
He felt sorry that he had yelled at her earlier. She had told them that it wasn't the right time and he had ignored her comment because he was upset. It had been wrong and he knew that. Now his best friend was in deep pain and he was angry with himself that he had acted like a jerk. Who knew if he had pushed her into that bad state she was in right now.
Luke sighed and let his sad eyes wander onto the street outside. If they would just already be at the hospital!
It wasn't long when a finger tapped him on his arm. "Luke?" Lorelai's eyes searched for contact.
His face went down to see hers.
"I.. I think I have wet myself," she sniffed with a slight trace of embarrassment.
"It's okay," he said and put down his jacked which he had wrapped around her earlier so that it would cover her hips. But when his eyes travelled over her body to her legs he saw blood instead of urine running down her skin.
"Oh my god," he whispered, unable to look away.
"What?" she asked, worried, looking into his eyes and searching for an answer but he didn't get the time to tell her. Helpless, he had to watch as her attention went back to what was happening inside of her. Her face went blank in an instant when a new cramp seemed to overpower her and a loud scream rang through the car and forced her almost fall off the backseat.
Luke reacted immediately and was trying to hold her in place. She was burying her face deep into his side and he folded his arms protectively around her while she cried and curled up in pain.
To get a better grip on her, he wrapped one am around her thighs and it was exactly in that moment that it shocked him to the bottom to his soul. The nerves on his fingertips suddenly felt something like mucous. They also could sense a steady rush of warm liquid running down his palm. And when his eyes moved to search for the source and caught the fresh red blood soaking her panties and half of her dress, his brain was no longer able to tell him that she might just have a hard time with her period. With eyes wide open, he started calling her name several times but it was too late. She had already lost consciousness.
Then suddenly he felt numb for what was happening around him.
They seemed to have stopped at some point and he could tell that Chris was opening the door to get Lorelai out. But Luke didn't know anymore when the doctors had come and taken her onto a stretcher. He also couldn't tell how long they were examining her. He had no idea when he had sat down into one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs and he didn't even remember that Chris sat next to him the whole time. He was sure that at some point he said something about having called Rory and Lorelai's parents but other than that he was just sitting in silence and lost in thoughts, praying for Lorelai to be all right.
"Mr. Danes. Mr. Hayden?" a tall female interrupted him from his wandering thoughts. She was wearing a serious expression on her face, which caught his attention immediately.
"Yeah," both said at the same time and got up, having those concerned looks that were pleading for an answer.
The doctor was looking from Luke to Chris and back again to Luke.
"Who is with Ms. Gilmore?"
Luke wanted to open his mouth and say he was but quickly remembered that things had changed. That he wasn't anymore with Lorelai. That their relationship was just a bittersweet memory that was no longer reality. He let out a sigh and looked down at his shoes as if they would have an answer for him.
"I am," Christopher responded with a certainty that caused Luke's heart to ache.
"Then you come with me," the female doctor said. "Ms. Gilmore will need someone being there for her now," and with that she excused herself from Luke and disappeared together with Chris behind a huge glass door.
"What happened to her?" he called a little bit too late after them and so all he got was his own voice in the form of an echo waving back at him, followed by the empty sound of the waiting room.
When the door opened and Lorelai saw just Christopher and the doctor her face turned blank. She had hoped Luke would still be here waiting. She tried to hide her disappointment and greeted both people silently.
She didn't know yet what had been causing her stomach aches. She had found her arm connected to IV fluids when she had woken up and realized that she must have been unconscious for a while because she couldn't remember when time had run that fast and went from 10 o'clock in the evening to 2 o'clock in the morning.
"Ms. Gilmore?" the young doctor called out. "Hello I'm Cassandra Luis, your doctor." she introduced herself with small smile.
Lorelai smiled politely back at her when she opened her file. Curiosity was now written in her eyes. She watched the young female when she silently read the diagnosis again and searched for eye contact.
Her glance fell on her. "Are you feeling better?"
Lorelai looked away for a moment but then nodded.
"Good. I guess… "she trailed off for a second and looked at Chris. "I guess we should talk then."
Her voice was calm and had a soft sound that made Lorelai feel comfortable in her presence.
"Ms. Gilmore?" she started again, now wearing a sorrowful expression that Lorelai feared to see. She knew something would follow and she might not like it.
"Yeah," she said quietly. Unsure what she was expecting, she sat up in her bed and looked with those big blue eyes at her, forming a question with every glance.
The young lady took a deep breath and began to break the news to her patient.
"When you were brought into this hospital tonight you had strong contractions of your uterus and your body was in a kind of a shock situation." Pause. "You also had lost a certain amount of blood," she stated matter-of-factly.
Lorelai nodded slowly, giving her a sign to continue but clearly not really knowing where she was going with this.
"It wasn't that much blood for your body to be in great danger," she continued slowly, taking a few steps in the direction of Lorelai "but -- for the fetus inside of you, it was lethal." She swallowed, allowing the tone in her voice to show the sadness. "Your tissue was too weak to hold on to the placenta for a reason we haven't found out yet. I'm sorry, Ms. Gilmore, but you had a miscarriage."
To be continued…
Thoughts? Questions? Anything? Let me know. :)