Inside of You

Disclaimer: Got Amy on the phone. She doesn't wanna sell the characters. :( So still hers.

A/N: In my reviews I got a question if Emily knows that the baby was Luke's. Yes she does. She never got to know that Lorelai slept with Chris. She was surprised to find her daughter with Christopher on a date when they picked her up at the police station in 7.04. So the thought that it could have been his baby never crossed her mind.

I love you people. Your reviews really help me to write this story. Not just because they make me happy, also because you have interesting thoughts which I have in the back of my mind then when I type a new chapter :)

This chapter starts 15 days after Chapter Three.

What would I do without my betas. Probably not update. So thanks to them as well.

Side note: You'll review after this chapter right? puppyeyes

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°°°°° Chapter Four °°°°°

Luke turned around in his sleep. He couldn't sleep very well on the couch but he doubted he would get a good rest even in a big bed. Rearranging his pillow didn't seem to work, so he tossed the blanket off, then sighed in frustration.

It was fifteen days after he moved in with her and it had been exhausting. Going back to being their former selves with all the problems that were still standing between them wasn't easy, especially including that they had to see each other almost 24 hours a day so he could take care of her. And adding to the weird circumstances he discovered surprisingly that he needed her around him as well for his own sanity.

Still, it was a mix between nagging feelings of the past that got blocked by all the mourning over the lost child and the situation that actually got them this far: the break up. They both were loaded with pain and hurt at the same time but couldn't really yell at each other. They had no power for that. They also couldn't pretend everything was okay between them because it wasn't, which made things complicated and odd ever so often. So it was a dance between outburst, hidden frustration, and feeling sorry. And on top of all those mixed feeling there was the emotion of hate towards her, towards himself and everything that had gone wrong. It was a chaos inside of him and yet the basic need to help her was just so strong that he handled it. He didn't complain once and was always there for her. But it wasn't surprising that sleep wouldn't come to him.

The outcome was that he looked like he felt. In one word: Horrible. Dark circles under his eyes made him look like a scrolling ghost in flannel and the long beard stumps that adorned his face didn't help at all to actually look human.

He sat up to get himself some water, wiping the fatigue out of his eyes. He stole a look on his watch that was lying on the table. 2:53 a.m. Groaning, he placed his hands in his neck to stretch for a second before he got up and walked barefoot to the kitchen, searching mostly eyes closed for a cup.

He sometimes wondered how with all the oddness going on they still managed to get through the days without going crazy. It wasn't hard figure that they had to talk at some point about their relationship, yet neither made an effort. It could be still too early.

So they lived the lazy days, got up, were quiet most of the time. He went out for two or three hours to check on the diner and doing some grocery shopping for them and when he was home he did the cooking. That was it. And when she was falling apart, having a break down, he was there helping her to get focused again. Her day on the other hand was sort of exhausting on another level. She usually thought too much in repeating loops and had to deal with calls from her daughter and mother explaining to them in detail how she was doing. Every second day it would happen that Sookie showed up wanting to cheer her up, which most of the time lead to a depressing mood. But he countered that by bringing home videos he got from the store to distract her from the events of the day so she would find at least some rest. It seemed to work so far.

He drank the cold liquid in big gulps, then walked back to the couch, stopping at the staircase when he heard some muttering sounds from Lorelai's bedroom. His face softened, showing concern. He looked up the stairs and was holding on to the banister, listening a few seconds more.

Lorelai didn't sleep well. About a week ago it had started: She called Rory's name in the middle of the night, waking up totally scared, never knowing how she had gotten there. It seemed as the back to reality thing was sometimes a little bit too much for her and the payback time apparently was at night.

°°°

She was drowning, wanting to gasp desperately for air, but Rory was sinking deeper into the water. So she held her breath, needed to do this just a few seconds longer and get her. Her daughter's eyes were already closed and she reached her hand to get hold of her arm but she missed. The water seemed to slow her actions. The young girl sank lower and her skin went white when the life left her body for good. Lorelai screamed, sucking water into her lungs as she saw her daughter die in front of her eyes. She forced her eyes away from the broken image and tried to get to the water's surface but it suddenly blocked her. Not letting her break through to breathe some needed oxygen. She slammed her fist against the hard and cold material and spent her last bubbles of air to cry out, unwilling to accept this as the end of her journey. She heard something crackle inside her ears as the water pressure squashed her flesh and she knew she had drowned as well….- It switched and out of nowhere she awoke, looking around in her bed as in slow motion, but breathing rapidly and wide eyed at her dream. Her room was dim and just the moon gave some light when her white blankets reflected it. She shoved the covers away to get out and use the bathroom but something was wrong. She could sense it. When her fingers tapped into something that was wet and she looked down on herself and found all red covered in blood. "No!" she exhaled shaking her head in denial. Her underwear was soaked, her legs overcast in blood traces. She heard a knock on the door and turned her head to call for help but a cramp stroke thru her body and a desperate scream filled the room. Her body collapsed heavy and then it went dark.

"Oh my god," Lorelai awoke in shock, feeling the sweat all over her skin as she brought her body up to sit.

Her hand moved over her chest while she was breathing erratically. She felt her eyelids blinking uncontrolled and tears building, which welled up before she even had the chance to fight them back and to calm down.

"Oh no," she whined frustrated wiping them away. She brought her covers higher over her head and laid back down, curling up in a ball. She felt so helpless against her nightmares. They were haunting her almost every time she closed her eyes and they felt more real with every passing day. But it wasn't an option to not sleep.

When the sobbing didn't stop she turned her head so she would rest face down on her pillow. Who cared if she couldn't breathe well? She pressed her eyelids tightly together wanting to go back to sleep as fast as possible. Escaping the sadness that was present all the time she was awake. Why were her dreams now filled with all the guilt as well? Wasn't it enough she was reminded when she was conscious?

She felt the mattress moving underneath her.

"Look at me," a tender and quiet voice appeared close to her ear.

Lorelai shook her head not bothering to lift her face from out of the pillow. She wasn't surprised at all that he as always found her when she needed not to be alone.

"Was it that dream again?" Luke asked and let his hands glide through her hair, placing himself next to her.

She nodded and took a deep breath as to get some oxygen and tried to calm down.

His fingers let go of her curls and were gliding along her arms, encouraging her to come close to him now. "Hey," he whispered and tightened his grip, pulling her towards him. She didn't hesitate and crawled into his open embrace letting the tears free immediately as she finally looked up from the pillow. She grabbed his shirt and cried silently for several minutes freeing herself from the disturbing nightmare that showed her daughter lifeless and herself reliving the miscarriage again.

"I want it back, Luke," she sobbed. "I want my baby back." And with that a new wave of salty tears rolled over her swollen checks.

"I know." He shut his eyes as well for a second. She had a hard time letting go. She even spend several hours per day thinking how far along the baby would be if it was still inside of her.

"This is not fair." She whimpered, hiccupping with every word. "I want.." then her voice broke once again mumbling something inaudible.

"Shhhh" He tightened his hold.

"I want it back. Please I want it back," she spoke high-pitched as if to pray. And it was hard for him to see her like this. Of course he too wished the baby was still alive but he could at least accept what had happened, Lorelai seemed to be caught up in her sadness.

"It will get easier," he told her and lifted her chin a little so she would find confidence in his eyes. She studied his gaze while he wiped away some tears from her cheek. "You need to believe that," he reassured.

And she trusted him, had to. He was living with her now for over two weeks and every day it proved again that without him she wouldn't be able to do this: The coming back to her old life. She was grateful that he was so strict about some things. Like eating or taking a tablet for sleep when her mind was just thinking too much, not allowing her to rest. She often felt detached, like a picture in a broken frame but he would make sure that she didn't lose herself in all the mourning. He was kind and caring and even when it felt weird and awkward one third of the day with him, it was moments like this that she was grateful that he was with her.

"You go back to sleep, okay?" Luke stroke hypnotizing over her back "and I will stay and make sure no bad dream bothers you anymore"

She nodded and swallowed her tears to gain some control and soon it was just silent sniffs left before her breathing became settled.

She smelled him and her tense body fell into his hug. They were neither together nor really friends again but it felt like home laying in his arms with her face pressed in his chest breathing the heat through his night shirt, that was radiating from his skin to hers. Sometimes when they lay like this, she found herself longing for his touch, longing for his lips and for a connection only lovers share. It wasn't really sexual, attraction for sure, but they had been together for so long that now that it wasn't allowed anymore it felt wrong. And she sometimes wondered if he felt the same or if he wouldn't let his mind go there at all, maybe having moved on? But then he would hold her close without complaining, and even if he did feel torn between feelings he still had for her it wasn't the right place anyway for them.

She really didn't have any explanation how he was that strong, didn't fall apart, and was able to look over their break up and be there for her without showing his pain. She owed him a lot. And so she always tried to push away the lonely feeling the next morning after he had slept in her bed like tonight and was leaving her after she woke up. She knew he didn't do it on purpose to hurt her, just to keep some distant and not making the situation for both more puzzled, but she didn't like it.

Lorelai closed her eyes and snuggled closer to him, drifting off, listening to his heartbeat that was steady and strong. He too was allowing his heavy eyelids to shut eventually and soon they slept quietly.

°°°

It was half past six in the evening the next day. She yawned and walked into the kitchen with her half-empty plate of lasagna. She was slowly eating by herself again without Luke having to keep an eye on her. It had been impossible at the beginning for her to eat regularly but Luke had set some kind of routine for her. He didn't ask for much. He always said he was okay if she would just eat some pieces every time he made her food and because he knew that was really all she actually did he cooked four or five times during the day. And it seemed to work. At least she didn't lose weight and in his eyes she looked much better even though hers hardly showed anything other than weariness and sadness.

Lorelai placed the plate into the sink, when Luke entered through the back door, returning from grabbing some fresh clothes from his apartment. He smiled at her relieved. "You liked it?"

She nodded and smiled back.

"You're up for some desert, then? I was about to bake a pie."

"Aha! That's what in the mysterious bag," she said playfully pointing to the paper bag with his diner logo on top."

"You got me," he said flatly, asking with raised eyebrows, searching for a positive reaction.

She moved her hand over her forehead and down her eyes as to wipe away the light headache she had had all day but nodded, allowing herself to just find it nice that he would think of something like that.

"You're watching a movie?"

"Yeah." She answered quietly, leaning her head to the side silently, making an effort to ask him to join him later. He crossed the kitchen area to get all the supplies he would need for the cherry pie. Lorelai followed him with her eyes and changed her mind, thinking of leaving him alone.

She knew he needed the space he would have cooking alone. He was kind of inside himself a lot when he thought she didn't pay attention but she knew that it all pulled on him too. Even if he might not have wanted to marry her or didn't love her enough, the wish for a child with her had never changed and she knew in her heart that it would have meant so much to him and having it lost because of her must be not something he would take easily. She failed taking care of the little something and he had the want inside of him to still be there for her, the woman who lost the one thing she knew he would have truly loved. If she could only turn back time. The pout left her face as she decided it was okay not to bother him more than she had to.

Luke must have noticed her absent expression because when he went from the counter to the oven to search for the cake pan, he stopped a moment in his movement and brushed his hand along her arm until he had her fingers between his giving them a light squeeze, excusing himself soundlessly for being busy. She looked up. "I'll ..." she swallowed nervously and pointed with her finger to the couch. She could butt kick the awkwardness sometimes that filled the room within seconds without any warning.

And he looked right into her eyes, knowing as well that the familiar situation had caused memories of better times. "Okay," he said softly, letting go of her.

Taking a deep breath, she got some water out of the fridge before she started to head out of the kitchen.

"I hope it's not one of your cheesy chick flicks," he called after her, faking annoyance. And Lorelai grinned fully, knowing that he was going to watch the movie with her, thanking him silently for taking away the uneasy moment by mocking her favorite movie type a little bit.

°°°

Not three Minutes after she had sat back down on the couch to continue her movie, she heard her door bell ring. Groaning annoyed, she got up almost tripping over her own feet. "Don't bother, I'll get it myself," she yelled to Luke so he wouldn't have to drop everything.

When she reached the door and opened it, a mix of shock and surprise hit her. Being uncomfortable wouldn't have described it any better.

"Chris?" she said confused frowning her eyebrows.

"Hello Lorelai," he said quiet trying to hide the nervousness that rested inside of him.

"What… are you doing here?" she asked as being disturbed, shaking her head the same moment.

In response he grabbed into the brown paper bag he was holding, getting out a bottle of tequila, waving it teasingly in front of Lorelei and smiling knowingly.

Lorelai scratched her temple not really understanding what he intended to say with this gesture.

Seeing her puzzled expression, he explained quickly. "Well I heard from Rory that you went for the ultrasound two days ago and that you didn't feel well .. and you helped me dealing with my fathers death two years ago, so I thought I would come by and we could you know .. talk?"

"What?" she said, having nothing but fright and anger in her voice.

"Hey come on, Lor. You know this will make you forget everything for one night. You always went for that when something bad happened and I know you must feel horrible after the miscarriage."

She was breathing faster but tried to calm herself and closed her eyes for a moment. Then she spoke slowly. "I will open my eyes and you won't have a bottle of booze in your hands anymore, all right? And then you will ask me if I'm better and I will say yes and you will leave. And then we will forget that you ever mentioned getting drunk." Her tone was loud when she finished her suggestion.

"Hey! I'm sorry, okay?" he said and placed the bag on the ground beside him. "I wanted to be funny, that's all," shoving his hands in the pockets of his pants looking at her expectantly.

°°°

Luke heard Lorelai talking at the door but didn't really bother to take a look at first. But when he heard her almost yell at the person, he lurked around the corner and saw Chris. Anger rose almost as fast as a geyser that is about to explode but he tried to calm himself, waving to them shortly, knowing that Lorelai had to handle that herself.

"Everything alright?" he asked. Nothing is wrong with checking.

She smiled lightly back at him and nodded "Yeah it's fine".

He gave her a nod and went back drying the dishes, but kept listening to the few words he could catch.

°°°

"What? He is living here now?" Chris whispered taken aback pointing into the direction where Luke had stood seconds ago.

"Yeah," she smiled shyly, "he helps me and is taking care of me. I need him," she said honestly looking back.

He shook his head almost laughing at her. "How fast things can change. Almost four month back he was the jerk who pushed you out of his life, and now…. Do I have to remind you how badly you felt that night?"

"Chris, why are you doing this?" she asked him sadly. "Why are saying that? Now that I finally feel a little bit better." She rubbed her arm sleeves down. She didn't feel well when he reminded her of that night.

"I'm just making you focus." His voice was strong. "Because you're obviously falling back and forgiving him for everything he did to you. I'm just telling the truth." He took a breath and narrowed his eyes at her.

"I haven't forgiven him, okay?" she barked back, "and the truth? Do you even know what you're talking about?" She took a step closer to him, looking him directly into the eyes "The truth is that I made a mistake that night."

"Yeah sure, put it like that." He waved at her and rolled his eyes. "If it makes you feel better." His gaze went onto the ground and he shrugged with his shoulders, not really knowing why she exactly was defending her ex all of a sudden. He looked up again to meet her eyes but she was facing away, seeming to be lost in thoughts, wrapping her arms around herself.

"You know," she started slowly. "You should have sent me home."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

She met his gaze, showing her watery eyes "That night? When I came to you after the fight with Luke, you should have sent me home." It almost seemed like she was begging him to turn back time.

"You didn't want to," he said defending, getting louder with every word. "You begged me so you could stay."

She shook her head. "Still.." not knowing how to get tears out of her voice, "you should have known better," sniffing. "You should have sent me home to my fiancé and not have me sleep with you."

"You broke up!"

"I don't know what I did that night… but you should have sent me home," she stated desperately.

"You begged for it, Lorelai." He was staring right into her glassy eyes making his point clear to everyone who was listening. "You were there, taking off your clothes, telling me you needed me."

"I broke off with the man I loved, the man I wanted to marry one hour before, god dammit." She studied him, tears rolling over her cheeks. "Why did you not talk some sense into me Chris?" Her hands were gesturing as she let loose everything she didn't do that specific night.

He shook his head and frowned, staying calm. "Lorelai, I don't think this is fair now."

"Fair, Chris?" she was in rage now, asking with very high voice, "Fair? I was making a mistake and you knew it. I was heartbroken and I cheated on my fiancé that moment."

"You weren't…"

"I was Chris." Lorelai swallowed, finally allowing her mind to go there. "I was still engaged. My heart was in it." She got quiet then "and .. I never took the ring off." Her eyes fell down, feeling ashamed. God, what a person had she become that night?

"What do you want me to say now?" he asked lost.

"Nothing. Please don't say anything and go." She wiped the salty traces from her face and let her gaze wander into his. "I lost a baby, Chris. The baby I would have gotten if there would have never been that night. The baby I could still be pregnant with if we would have never had that fight over the stupid night, almost three weeks ago when the cramps made me to bleed it out." She had a hard time breathing calm. "Surely, it's not your fault but I can't handle you and your tequila bottle right now." She blinked new tears away while she remembered the talk with Dr. Luis two days back who told her that the fight with both man had been the triggering factor for her heavy cramps, knowing that without her having sex with Chris would have never pulled her so much down too care so less about her health. She hated to admit it but she had hurt her own feelings as well when it happened, just the denial had made it easier to justify it to herself.

"Please understand that I just can't right now, maybe never again, Chris."

He nodded defeated, his head sinking down.

"Have contact with your daughter but please don't come back here anytime soon. I know you never wanted this to happen and always the best for me but you didn't and I don't want to have you in my life right now. I can't. Us isn't about to happen." She took his hand in hers and squeezed it short before it fell out of her fingers. "Please leave me out of your life and take care."

He looked sad, "okay. But if you need help or anything…."

"Then, I won't come to you," she finished and smiled sad.

"I just wanted to say..."

"I know." She nodded, taking a few steps back.

He sighed and got the bag with the alcohol. "I guess I'll enjoy this alone then?" he asked lifting one eyebrow and chuckled half-hearted.

Her head shook lightly, "Goodbye, Chris."

°°°

She closed the door silently, not feeling well. It was coming back all of a sudden. The feeling she had the night she betrayed a bond she had asked to become a forever, the out of body experience she had after it when she thought she just dreamed, crying half asleep but still awake enough to know that she wasn't. The twisting feeling like walking on clouds and constantly sinking in, unable to lift her feet to stop her legs from sticking in the dampness. The darkness that crept over those days she didn't allow herself to think for a while only to collapse later on the couch to cry the sadness out. The shrink, the sick feeling that came in memory of Chris, just everything when she acted as in trance, fully knowing she wasn't but too far away from reality in her mind to stop it.

She went to her couch and sat down, deep in thoughts. She felt queasy and put the blanket from the couch around her, resting her head against a pillow.

Luke came just then, carrying two plates with warm fresh cherry pie. As the smell reached her nostrils her head went to the opposite side. Her lips were expressionless and her glance empty.

"Here," he said handing her the pie but she just looked at him with big eyes, shaking her head.

He took a deep breath. Not this again! "Lorelai?" he asked, assuming that her lack of appetite had to do with Chris' visit and their talk. In fact, he knew it must have. He had only heard pieces but enough to feel down as well.

"I'm not hungry anymore," she mumbled tugging the blanket under her feet and lying fully down, withdrawn from him. She seemed far away in thoughts.

He placed the pie on the small table and took another oxygen loaded breath before he settled and spoke. "Tell me."

Her head shot around in an instant not believing he was asking this now. Right here as they were dealing with everything but them.

And it was the wrong moment for them to talk. He knew himself they had other things to worry but the moment presented itself, sucking both into its uneasiness of the memory. 113 days back when she came begging him to elope. He sensed she needed to get it out and even though he knew it would hurt he could not let this moment pass. It would come back.

"What happened that night, Lorelai?" and his voice was the one of a purring cat, giving her confidence to open up.

Her eyes glided worried into his as she put herself slowly into a sitting position. You really want to know?

Yes. Rubbing his palm over her covered leg, reassuring her he wouldn't freak. He was not prepared for what might come out her mouth but he was seeing her everyday and the lost child was a result of her not dealing well with their separation. He had to know now. They needed to talk at some point. And it seemed to be now.

Her eyes went shut for a minute, then she started to talk. "You were slipping thru my fingers. I had felt it for a while but stayed silent…" She shrugged, looking at her hands. "Not wanting to push you, not wanting to interrupt you from getting to know your daughter… but you started to keep me out of your life, finding excuses for not staying over at night, for not letting me get to know April, for postponing the wedding?" Her gaze fell on his, asking him silent for agreement. He didn't flinch, just listened so she went on. "When someone told me that night I didn't have you, I snapped. I was afraid because I felt it could be true. But I wanted to have you." Her eyes got watery. "Everything. Like you had me. All of me." And she sniffed, blinking several times. "I wanted it back. You, looking at me like I'm yours. But I had to admit to myself that it seemed like you didn't want me anymore, Luke. Not in your new life with your daughter and I needed to do something! I needed to know… if it was true that I was just waiting for you to walk out of my view or if there was hope."

A tear escaped her eyelids, running over her smooth skin, disappearing into her open mouth to get swallowed by her. His pupils scanned the room, finding something to say back. "So, the ultimatum was…"

"My last call," she said plainly.

He looked down, still processing. "You went to Christopher," he said without any emotion in his voice.

She nodded fierce. "I did. First, I just wanted to talk, having his eyes adoring me. Someone who could give me what I had missed from you the last months. Then I got angry and sad and I don't know I just wanted to end it." Her eyebrows wrinkled, getting back the thoughts she had had that night. "You didn't love me anymore so I wanted to take my love away from you as well and hurt you. Cause you pain like you did to me."

"So you slept with him." He tensed his jaw and she looked at him sadly, sniffing silently until her chin began to tremble, breathing rapidly, letting the sound of regret wash over her throat.

"I did." Fully tearing up, "I did it on purpose, Luke," remembering how her trembling hands had put the diaphragm in place while being in the bathroom, already getting rid of her underwear.

He swallowed hard, blinking to fight the water in his own eyes.

"And it was so hard, Luke" she cried, "But so easy at the same time." Her face a field of horror, "To let him kiss me and push me down and have sex with me. And I didn't even fight it one moment, Luke… I practically ..."

"Stop," he whispered desperate, closing his eyes and fighting the image in his head.

She looked at him glassy. "Please, Luke, believe me that I'm so sorry. But I needed it to be over. I wanted out."

"And you couldn't have just said that?" He was awfully calm, making her to free more tears.

"No, you would have never let me. I needed to do something so you would refuse me. I had to sleep with him. I needed to end this. And I needed to really screw up, otherwise you would have knocked on my front door and you would have kissed me and taken me back in but I couldn't let this happen. I wouldn't have been able to resist…. I needed to end it for my sake."

He was shocked. "Was this relationship so horrible for you?" he said showing his hurt.

"Of course it wasn't," her voice had become raspy from all the crying. "I loved you so much but you didn't want to marry me anymore. And when you didn't say yes to the elopement, when you didn't come after me, I felt it." A shaky hand tugged a hair strain behind her ear as she continued "The feeling of what it's like when your heart shatters and to not be loved by the man you truly want to spend your life with and it was the only moment that I was strong enough to hurt you and to want out. To speak up and..."

"I hadn't seen you in days." He suddenly shouted at her, getting up from the couch. "You were avoiding me! What was I supposed to do after you came, being barely yourself, having this now or never thing throwing at me?" His eyes burned into hers, requesting an answer that wouldn't just leave another giant questions mark in his head.

"Then why, Luke, did you let me walk away?" she asked instead, with her hands begging him to understand her behavior at least a little bit.

He didn't know. He just didn't. Maybe he hadn't thought that it was a goodbye? But then his fiancé had needed him and he had stood still not knowing what train had hit him just minutes ago.

He shook his head and glanced speechless at Lorelai after a silent moment. They shared a helpless look. Broken and defeated by their wrong choices, not knowing how to continue. He inhaled and sat back down on the couch staring on his feet. "Did it work?" he asked quiet, having his voice back.

"What?"

"Did it help you to forget me? Did it help you not loving me anymore like you planned?" And he let his eyes sink back into hers.

She just shook her head, her gaze focusing away.

"Then why do you think I could stop loving you from one moment to the other? Do you really think this is how my promises to be 'all in' with you work?"

Her lips curled down again as she admitting shook her head again, pressing some left tears through her lids.

Then the stillness hung again like black pall over them, putting a temporary closure over the subject. They had spoken, finally. But the wound was hurting even more now. They had messed up by stupidity. The blood of their miscarried child was on their hands.

"And now?" she turned her head looking at him again.

"Nothing is now." He said sadly. "We can't forgive, so we just carry on living as it is, I guess".

Silence.

After a while she took her eyes away and pressed the button on her remote control, getting the movie back on. He reached for the plates and handed her the pie. She knew there was no way she could ask to refuse it this time. It was out of the question. For some reason the oddness from the last two weeks was replaced with thick tension. Nothing had changed and yet it had. She sank down onto the couch again, wrapping the blanket closer around her. It felt suddenly very cold in the room.

°°°

Later that night when they were sitting quiet, watching the closing credits from the 'happy ending' movie for over a minute roll over the screen, she seemed absent, deep in thoughts slightly chewing on her fingernails. Her mind had started running on its own the moment the female main character, who had become a lesbian, jokingly told her ex-husband she will name the offspring after his father if he doesn't finally sign the divorce papers. It was silly to compare the situation in any way to her and Luke but she did. They had confessed something tonight and it brought back a need that didn't present itself as an empty phrase of affliction anymore in moments she thought about their lost child. And it wouldn't go away.

So he didn't even notice when she turned her head and studied him for quite some time.

And it was when he wanted to get up to turn off the TV that she started to speak. It probably was the least perfect moment she could have chosen but it slipped out of her mouth before she even could think twice about.

"I want it back, Luke," and he looked at her "I want the baby back," and her glance was honest and vulnerable and hopeful and she was exactly aware of what she was asking him for.

°°°

To be continued…

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hehe :D:D