Disclaimer: I don't own or profit from Naruto, and it's lucky that's so, or it'll probably still be on chapter fifty or so . . . Oh yeah, I don't own kaiizaa either, whoever that is.


by chairomori

Shock. Rage. Control. Retribution.

These emotions usually encompass any author who has just received a flame – well, except for the last one. Hyuuga Hinata is no exception.

You see, Hyuuga Hinata is not just a kunoichi. Oh no. If you look underneath the underneath, she's also a renown author of Konoha's best-selling action series, Killer Kunoichi. Of course, she doesn't use her real name – she can't very well tell everyone she's a professional writer. Why, what would her father say? Instead, she goes by the simple pen name, Hina. Well, that's not obvious at all, is it?

Now that that's settled, let's follow our heroine's adventures as she begins her day . . .

Fire One -- The Flame

It was a beautiful day! The sun shined almost as brightly as Gai's teeth, the birds chirped like a chidori – what a person wouldn't give for a day just like it!? Yet, a certain heiress to the Hyuuga clan ignored it as she anxiously sat in her dark room, sealed shut from the outside world.

She started and eagerly raced to the door. Bending stealthily at the crack, she whispered, "Password?"

"Excuse me, Hinata-sama?"

'Damn,' she thought. It was Neji. "U-uh, n-nothing, Neji-nii-san! W-what is it?"

"Well, I was going to ask if you wanted -"

"Oh no! T-that's really unnecessary!" she stuttered.

". . . Hinata-sama, I never stated what I was going to ask you."

She paled. "Y-you didn't? Oh, oh! Silly me. O-of course you haven't. Ha ha. Well, bye!" she called through the crack.

Outside the door, Neji paused. "Are you trying to get rid of me, Hinata-sama?"

"What? Why would I want to do that!?" she squeaked out in panic. "I-I mean, I-I have no r-reason to, r-right? O-okay now! See you later, nii-san!"

Neji was really weirded out. Hinata was acting weird again today. "Very . . . well then, Hinata-sama." He marched off, partially offended, his question unvoiced.

Soon after, someone else knocked. Hinata rushed to her door once again. "Password?"

The person on the other end sighed. "Do I really have to say this?" He or she whined.

"Yes!" Hinata snapped.

"Fine." Another sigh. "Oh great Hina-dono, please admit your ever so humble servant entrance into your heavenly domain."

Hinata threw open the door and literally pulled a dead-faced Hanabi into her room. She stuck her head out and looked both ways. Confident that no one was near – if anyone was near, they'd have been even more suspicious by her behavior than Neji was – she slammed the door shut and faced Hanabi. "The goods?"

Hanabi rolled her eyes and threw a small bag at her sister who dove after it and began to cuddle it. "Why can't you get these from Ichiraku-san yourself?"

"Because he doesn't know that I'm Hina. Only a genius such as myself could think of using such an inconspicuous location as a delivery point for my fanmail."

"Please. All you did was bribe Ichiraku-san with a percentage of your profits," Hanabi muttered darkly.

"Hanabi! Do you want to keep winning those 'spars' against me or not?" Hinata threatened. "I could accidently win our next one . . ."

"Okay, I get it. You're brilliant. Can I go now?"

"Alright. I'll tell you when to get my next batch!"

"Whatever." Hanabi stalked off.

Left to her own devices, Hinata grinned with delight as she turned to her pile of letters. Quickly, she snagged a few and read them one by one, giggling madly at their contents. Oh how she loved her adoring fans. She eagerly reached in and grabbed another letter to read.

u asshole

She froze. The smile vanished. Her heart began to palpitate as she forced herself to continue reading.

u asswhole u are such a whore

u can't ever write a good story

She read it over and over again. Somewhere along the lines, her heart had plunged into her stomach, freezing her motions. She was so shocked, in fact, that she didn't even realize that whoever sent her the letter spelled 'asshole' with a 'w.'

In a daze, her eyes began frantically searching the envelope. Apparently, someone named kaiizaa had sent it. As her shock began to settle, she felt an overwhelming urge to find this 'kaiizaa' and squeeze the life out of him or her or it or whoever. She assumed that 'kaiizaa' was a boy, so she settled on referring to 'kaiizaa' as a him.

"Th-that bastard!" Who knew Hinata used, or even knew such language! "How dare he! When I find him, I'll fucking castrate the damn bastard where he fucking stands!" she raved melodramatically. Suddenly realizing she had spoken aloud, and none too quietly, she clamped her hands over her mouth in horror, hoping no one had heard.

Unfortunately, her father had chosen that moment to walk past her room. He was speechless to say the least. Literally, his body was frozen for at least five minutes, mouth agape, eyes rotund, ears stretching out toward her door in disbelief. Realizing that the head of the Hyuuga clan should not for whatever reason be seen in such a manner, he got a hold of himself and hesitantly rapped on the door. "Hinata?" he asked slowly.

'Uh oh!' she worried. Quickly, she pulled off the sweetest voice she could muster in such a situation. "Uh, yes, father?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"W-why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, as absolutely absurd as it may seem, I could have sworn I heard you cursing in the most vulgar of manners!"

Hinata gasped "How-how could you accuse me of s-such a t-thing, father? H-have you ever heard me curse before?" she pretended to be hurt.

Hiashi thought a bit. "Well, I suppose not . . . Very well then." He strutted off a bit perturbed.

Once he was gone, Hinata let out a sigh. Then she grinned. 'Hina-dono, you are such a good actress.' Then she turned to the letter in her grasp, her bangs shadowed her face as an evil expression marred its innocent one. 'kaiizaa . . . I will find you . . . And when I do, prepare . . . to . . . DIE!!!!!' She let off a dark, malicious laugh. "Ku ku ku. KU KU KU KU!!"

"Er, Hinata?" Damn! It was her father again! Why did he always have to show up at such bad times! "I'm opening the door!"

Hinata's expression immediately returned to its usual angelic state. She blushed, embarrassed that she'd almost been caught and played with her fingers nervously. "W-what is it, f-father?"

Hiashi stared at his eldest daughter. "I could have sworn I heard Orochimaru's dark, malicious laughter resonating from your room."

"O-Orochimaru? W-why, why ever would he b-be here, oh dearest father of mine?" As soon as the words left her mouth, she cursed herself. She'd overdone it with the sucking up.

Hiashi stared at her suspiciously. "Are you sure everything's alright? You're not being controlled by a puppet jutsu or anything?"

'If I was, would I really tell you?' Hinata looked at him innocently. "O-of course, father."

He stared her in the eye a bit more before breaking eye contact and reluctantly turning to leave. "Very well then."

Hinata let out another sigh when he left and returned to her letter.

Hm. It seemed that whoever this 'kaiizaa' was had left a return address. The nerve! She read it.


1234 Hyuuga Way

Konoha, Fire Country 56789

Why! That was the address of her new neighbors! In fact, they'd just moved into the edge of the Hyuuga district a week ago! She recalled them having a son around her age . . . Hinata carefully stashed her fan mail away. It was time to pay her new neighbors a belated visit . . .

Next time: Welcome to Konoha!

A/N: Hinata, as well as a lot of other characters, is extremely OOC in this fic. It's purely intentional – remember, this is a parody. Anyway, the flame is actually a real one that I got almost a year ago. Yes, it had a 'w' in asshole, too. kaiizaa's also a real person, err, cyber person anyway, who sent the flame.

Anyway, kaiizaa's going to be in for a hell of a time – so much in fact, I don't have all my ideas! I'm calling on my readers to supply some pranks, etc. that Hinata and her 'elves' will be pulling on him. The length of the story will depend on how many ideas I get. Tell me in a private message or a review! Speaking of which:

Please review!