stargazing and hernias and other voyeuristic things


(an: namidagundauta and I were having a conversation on ze el jay, which is what spawned this. Oh - and her icon, too, which is Team 7 love. This is cracked crackity cracking crack. Do not expect much in form of intelligence or quality or...IC-ness. Or plot. Or sense. But crack? Plenty of that.


The Hyuuga heir and the Uchiha heir and Sai No Last Name all go out for ramen Thursday nights.

"Ne, Sai-jii-chan," says the Hyuuga, one evening, through bulging cheekfuls of miso and pork, "Does Uchiha-san really hire you to babysit us?"

Sai smiles, crinkle-eyed and close-lipped. "Yup."

The Uchiha glowers a bit, because he doesn't really like ramen or Hyuugas or Sai. "How much does 'tou-san pay?"

Sai smiles again, that creepy empty smile, polite. "It's D-ranked."

The Hyuuga squawks, loud and inelegant, and bits of chomped-noodles fly out of mouth to land on the Uchiha's cheek. The darker-haired boy sighs, a long hissing exhalation, and there is some terrible resignation in that sound, a weariness far beyond his years. The Hyuuga does not apologize, but grabs a napkin and wipes the other's cheek with rough kindness, before demanding, "What the hell? We're at least C-ranked. At least! If this bastard here would pull that stick out of his ass and show me his Katons, we'd be B-ranked and you know it."

"Maa," says Sai. "You should take the issue up with your father. Hokages assign levels to missions, not ninja."

"This is your old man's fault," the Hyuuga announces, pointing a finger at the Uchiha, "because he's cheap."

"Shut up," the other boy retorts, "your father's the one letting himself being bullied to comply with said cheapness."

The Hyuuga squints a little, trying to parse that sentence into something faintly understandable. "Whut?" he manages, after a beat.

The Uchiha ignores him, eating ramen with a dignity and ceremonial haughtiness that, if not hilarious, was at least ridiculous. The Hyuuga blows a raspberry, and turns to Sai. "Ne, why do they hire you anyway? 'Kaa-san has clan meeting business Thurdays nights. What's 'tou-san do? I don't really like this 'kick our sons out of the house business'. Shady stuff."

"Your dobe-father," says the Uchiha, in drawling condenscending tones, "comes visit my parents and usually gets at least three bones broken before eleven o'clock."

"Yes, yes, yes," agrees Sai, pleasedly, "and afterwards, they have a beautiful threesome on your beautiful tatami mats."

"Ehh?" The Hyuuga absently pounds a choking Uchiha on the back, "But you said 'tou-san was dickless."

The Uchiha rupturs his spleen at that point and dies of a hernia. On that ramen stool. But not really.

"Mm," says Sai, pleasantly, "That's why he takes it up the ass, see. His mother tops, y'know," pointing at the Uchiha.

"This is ridiculous," says the boy, rapidly turning a shade of puce. His eyes are beginning to feel tingly; last time that happened, his mother had had a cow and beat his father over the head with a frying pan. Something about 'dangerous situations' and 'not old enough' and 'stupid Mr. Pinkeye.' It had all been very strange.

"Oh?" Sai tilts his head a little, "And how do you know?"

"They are watching the stars and drinking sake," says the Uchiha. "Of course I know. They're doing it at my house."

"Oh, they're doing it all right," Sai nods.

The Hyuuuga snickers. The Uchiha punches him in the face. "I will prove it to you. C'mon. And it's about time you developed your stupid Byakugan anyway." He takes the other boy's hand and drags him in the direction of the Uchiha compounds.

"OH COOL! ARE WE GOING TO SEE THROUGH WALLS?"

Sai smiles a little, and gets up. He pays for the ramen and follows. A few blocks later, Kakashi joins him. "They'll probably be assigned to you when they graduate," the older muses speculatively.

"Probably," agrees Sai.

"Are my students really -?" For a man with only one eyes showing, Kakashi's facial expressions are astoundingly emotive. Currently, this one says 'doing it.'

"I dunno," says Sai. "On weekends, maybe? Thursdays, they watch the stars. Awfully boring stuff. Why?"

Kakashi shrugs. "No reason, really. Jiraiya's getting bored of voyeurism at the bath house. No one throws things at him anymore. You know he doesn't write when he's bored so I thought maybe a change of pace..."

"Ah," says Sai, rubbing his chin. "Next book is the second to last in the series, innit?" Kakashi nods. "Well - if he's ever interested - I've got some ink and scrolls. Could draw him something - "

"Hm," says Kakashi.

And somewhere, Naruto is saying to Sasuke, "I'll demote you teme, I really will."

"Your entire Anbu would rebel if you do," Sasuke replies serenely.

"I JUST WANT ANOTHER CUP!" Naruto slams his cup on the makeshift table they've rigged on the roof.

"This is expensive stuff," Sasuke says, "You're already drunk, anyway."

Sakura swishes her flask and hiccups, head falling on her husband's shoulder. She giggles. Sasuke grunts. Naruto sulks.

"Venus is really bright tonight," she says.


So I am lazy and cannot be bothered to name the kids. Why does Naruto's kid take Hyuuga as a last name? I don't know. Maybe the clan's being a bitch.

WTF-are-you-writing-slash-smoking may commence now.