This fic was originally written for a seme!Ion challenge on the Livejournal commuity loldrant. It is nothing but crack, and was written in a hurry, too. XD But I hope you like it!

Required disclaimer: Onirei does not own Tales of teh Abyss or any of it's characters.


"So, in the entire city of Daath, you couldn't find anyone who was able to repair this?"

Ion shrugged apologetically. "Sorry. This system is thousands of years old. I haven't even been able to find anyone who understands it, much less repair it."

Guy grinned. "I'm honored that you think I have that much expertise...I guess I can try my best."

The fon master smiled back at him. "Thanks. It's rather urgent. I tried to warp to my room yesterday, and ended up in the bathroom."

Guy frowned.

"Mohs was using it."

Well, THAT was one image that Guy wished he'd never imagined.

"So, you can see why I want it fixed."

"Uh..yeah. Is the only thing that connects the rooms to each other these seals?"

"I think so."

"Ok then. Can I see the one in your room, just to figure out how they connect?"

Ion looked displeased.


Six floors later, Guy realized why.

The poor boy was red as a tomato, huffing and puffing and in general looking like he was going to pass out. Once they reached the top, Ion gratefully sat down on the floor.

"I'm sorry," Guy said. "I could have just come up here myself you know."

Ion smiled. "Nope, I'm the only one that can get into my room. Well, me and my guardians." He pushed back a few wet strands of hair away from his face. "Whew. I hate sweating while I'm wearing tights."

Guy blushed. Blushed, of all things! He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt his face get so hot. Wait----yes he could.

On one of their many perilous journeys, he had wandered into the woods to relieve himself.

He hadn't realized Jade was sneaking up on him until the man was peering over his shoulder.

After pushing away THAT particular memory, Guy realized that this was the second time today that Ion had said something that left him inexplicably flabbergasted. Did Ion normally have this effect on people when he was alone with them? Was this the power of the Fon Master? Why did the Fon Master wear tights anyways?

Guy figured he should probably say something since Ion was looking at him. All that came out was a nervous laugh.

"Well, sorry about that." Ion got up, dusted himself off, and walked down the hall to his room. When he put his hand on the door handle, there was a brief flash of light and it opened.

Guy followed, having successfully pulled himself together mentally.


"I'm really regretting not reading more about seals," Guy muttered, tracing the seal on Ion's floor that was identical to the previous one. At the moment the boy Fon Master was leaning out the window, watching Dist zoom around the courtyard below and yell about something that was most likely Jade's fault.

Independent of his brain, Guy's eyes started to wander---wander up Ion's legs, and over the curve of his bottom. He tore them away and back towards the seal quickly.

"When the hell did I become a pedophile??" he thought frantically.

"When you learned Luke was seven," his brain responded. Oh, the power of logic. Guy really needed to take a vacation. A vacation from underage boys who may or may not look it, and a vacation from quirky colonels that watch you pee.

So much for pulling himself together mentally. How was he supposed to concentrate when Ion was---poking him in the shoulder?

Guy turned around slowly (cue creaking noises) to face questioning green eyes.

"Were you checking me out?"

Due to the circumstances, and the fact that he was currently rigid with shock, Guy considered himself lucky that he managed a response.

"What?" was said response.

"You were." Not a question, a statement.

Then, faster than he ever thought possible, Guy found himself on the floor with his back pressed against the seal. And Ion had this smirk on his face that you should never, ever see on any religious leader, but it looked quite fitting on the green-haired boy nontheless.

Guy knew immediately he was proper fucked.

(And for the record, he was.)

--END