Ike, The New Loser

By Yoshizilla

Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus: I know many people will be genuinely confused when they first see this, so I'll get this out of the way. This is an ancient fanfic brought back up again because Ike got a noticeable facelift, and several circumstances have changed. Also, while I still don't care in any way for Fire Emblem, I actually do like Ike now. So let it be said of my much younger self being... well, naive. Enjoy!

Younger Yoshizilla: I actually like the fact that we got a brand new character for Super Smash Brothers Brawl, but for the fact that I don't play Fire Emblem (and the obvious fact that I don't own Fire Emblem: Path of Radience, the game that the new character's from) and that I don't like the new character, Ike, at all, I decided to write this quirky and random one-shot. It's the first fanfic to have Ike in it, and albiet, I'll be expecting flames of people who like him, because this is an Ike-bashing fanfic. Well, if you can, enjoy the story, folks. Yoshizilla, over and out!


It 'twas a beautiful August day in Nintendo City. All of the random civilians that no one gives a hoot about were living their lives. So were the Super Smash Brothers, who were about to get a newcomer to their holly, jolly mansion...

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Master Hand started, opening the door, "Meeeeeeeeeeet Ike!"

Standing at the door was an ugly, stupid, smelly, girley 'swordsman'...named Ike.

"ZOMG IKE IS LIEK SOOO HOT!1" All of the annoying Fire Emblem fangirls screamed, getting electrocuted by Pikachu.

Ike chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "H-hi..." He then wet himself.

Master Hand and the rest of the Super Smash Brothers all laughed at him.

"Come on, we'll show you around...Ike..." Mario said, walking up to Ike and stomping on Ike's right foot with his left foot.

Ike sweatdropped. "Ummm...what are you doing...?" He asked warily, eyeing Mario suspisciously.

Mario shrugged. "Oh, nothing..." The red plumber than punched Ike in the face, and ran upstairs to his room, giggling.

Ike moaned in pain, and he fell to his knees on the floor, crying.

Yoshi, Peppy Ankylosaurus, and Dr. Hoshi all looked at each other, then at Ike, and backed away slowly, running up shortly to their room, and shutting the door.

Mewtwo's right eye twitched. "Master Hand...you're not going to have this...WUSSY...in our mansion...right?" He asked Master Hand with fear.

Master Hand nodded, smiling. "Yup! He's our newest Smasher! And I want you all to be nice to him."

Bowser chuckled evilly, cracking his knuckles. "Oh, I'll be 'nice' to him, all right..." He said in a low, evil tone, looking at Ike like a shark.

Ike gulped, and he stood back up. "Errm...I'm sorry," He admitted, blushing, "Where will I stay?"

"IN OUR ROOM, COME ON!" Roy randomly shouted, grabbing Ike's right arm and running up the stairs, with Ike moaning in pain as his body was crushed by the wooden stairs. Roy then threw Ike into the room, and watched him crash through the window, landing twenty feet from the ground, and breaking his bones. Roy sweatdropped. "Oooops..."

Marth sighed, entering the room. "Roy, what have you done..." He looked out the broken window, and gasped in horror (covering his mouth) as he witnessed a moaning Ike, with the tiny pieces of sharp glass surrounding him. "OH MY GOD!"

Bowser then ran outside, and stood directly in front of Ike, burning the swordsman with his intense flame. The Koopa King then picked up the burnt Ike and hurled him into the wall, causing his skull to fracture. Bowser laughed evilly and ran off.

Ike moaned very weakly, trying to stand up, but slipping on a banana peel and falling back down, cracking his hip bones. "EEEEI!" He girlishly screamed in pain, "My...my hip bone..."

"Don't worry, Ike!" Master Hand shouted from the broken window in Marth and Roy's room, "The First Aid Kit's coming your way!"

Princess Peach Toadstool, Princess Zelda, Samus Aran, Nana, and Jigglypuff then held a handful of first-aid kits over Ike from the window, and dropped them all down, watching them crush Ike.

"Uh oh..." Peach said, worrying and trembling in fear, "I...I think we all just killed Ike!"

The Fire Emblem fangirls returned and ran over to the dead body of Ike, crying and mourning over their favorite character's death.

"I have an idea," Link dumbfoundly said, snapping his fingers and breaking them, "Let's all have a funera- AHHHH!" He screamed in pain and started rolling on the floor, screaming at the top of his lungs, as he felt the pain of his now broken fingers.

Luigi blinked, and he kicked Link in the stomach, killing the Hero of Time.

"Uh oh..." Luigi said, as he hid under Marth's bed.

Marth gasped, taking out his sword. "Dude, that's my be- AHHH!" His own sword then slashed at him, killing Marth, who fell on the floor, over Link's body.

In an awkward way.

"Ewwwwwww!" Everyone else except Luigi shuddered, turning away and closing their eyes in disgust.

Roy laughed. "Serves him right! Now I'm the popular one!" He smiled.

Pit growled, taking out his bow and arrow. "No, I'M the popular one now!" He angrily retorted.

Roy growled, taking out his sword. "No, I'M more popular! People like me best!"

Pit continued fuming. "You're just a crazy, red-haired girl!"

Everyone gasped, Roy being the most shocked.

"Y-y-you dare call me...THE GREAT ROY...a GIRL!?" Roy angrily growled, as he started rapidly slashed at Pit, slicing the angel boy's body in a bloody and graphical way, "YOU MUST DIE!"

Pit then plopped to the floor, dead and on top of the dead bodies of Link and Marth as blood started to pour out of the angel boy's body.

Peach burst into tears, burying her face into her hands. "No! My true love is dead!" She cried.

Mario and Roy both gasped in horror. "But...I'm your true love!" They looked at each other suspiciously, and growled. "She's MY girl!" They then started to beat each other up.

Master Hand and the other Smashers blinked. "Wow...not an ordinary day here at the Super Smash Brothers Mansion, huh?" He chuckled as he sipped some British tea.

Kirby yawned. "This is boring. I'm hungry!" He then sucked in Roy, turning into him (and thus, killing the red swordsman).

Mario wiped his forehead. "Phew! Now I can go fu- err, I mean, spend some 'quality time' with Peach..." He chuckled, raising his right eyebrow and winking.

Peach giggled naughtily. "Oh, Mario, you naughty man..."

Mario chuckled sexily. "Oh Peach, you naughty, little girl..." He picked up Peach, and dashed out of the swordsmen's room, going into his room and shutting the door, locking it immediately. Moaning noises were then heard from the room.

Everyone else sighed and walked out of the swordsmen's room, going back to their room, while Master Hand stayed and sipped some more of his British tea.

Outside the Smash Mansion, Silver The Hedgehog and the gray colored Robotic Operating Buddy, R.O.B., watched the chaos ensue from binoculars, with the two characters facing each other as they used the process of time travel.

"...Well, let it be said that I didn't expect Ike to be treated this way, given his status." Silver remarked as he lowered his binoculars, facing ROB.

ROB slowly nodded his robotic head in agreement. "Indeed. It's a wonder that Ike was able to greatly build up his confidence after all this..."


THE END... for now...

Younger Yoshizilla: And that's why, everyone, you shouldn't use Ike. He has annoying fangirls, he's annoying, he has annoying fangirls, he's a Fire Emblem character, he has annoying fangirls, he's a wuss, and did I mention that he has all of those annoying fangirls...?

Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus: Again, this story, originally a one-shot to cash in on the hype for Super Smash Bros Brawl, was years ago. The last three bits of this chapter, as well as the next new chapter, isn't.