Author: Bunni Girl
Rating: K+ for language and semi-violent situations.
Note: I wrote this for an English project Junior year (hmm, it'd be around, oh, 2005?) The assignment was related to Catcher in the Rye so I had to make the character I chose sound like Holden Caulfield. Which is WHY Usagi is out of character. Hahaha, just thought I'd put this up as a little joke.
Your Cookies Killed Mamo-chan!
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is why I did it.
I dunno…something about her goddam screaming and the way her little face went that goddam annoying red when she didn't get exactly what she wanted probably just sent something flying through me. Something that said, "that's it, you little bastard, I'm gonna get you now." I mean, for Chrisssakes, we've all felt that way one time or another with her…right? Right?
I know what you're all thinking… I'm crazy, huh? No, you're crazy… all a bunch of crumby phonies..
Oh la la la! Look at Chibi-Usa! Look how goddam cute she is in her pretty goddam little sundress! Yay! Let's all goddam grovel at her little goddam feet and kiss her goddam fat cheeks and think she's some goddam god, for chrissakes.
What a load of bull.
That's what I think of every phony bastard who worships that crumby kid. There's a couple of words and a finger or two I'd like to express to that little brat sometime.
But oh noooooo, Usagi! Don't think like that! She's your future daughter! She's so innocent and young; stop being so goddam impatient and show a little responsibility for your age.
Bah. So what? I don't ever recall any crumby rule about family members being required to automatically love each other. I vaguely remember something about actually goddam working for it. Besides, she doesn't like me much either, the little snot. Everyone thinks she's so adorable and so sweet but I know what she's really like (then again, if a lot of people knew what I knew, they wouldn't like her either). Even if they did know how she is, they're as goddam phony as she is.
Even Mamo-chan (he's my boyfriend…well, was until the Problem came along) is phony. He's such a goddam crumby bastard; I don't even know why I love him, especially since he likes Chibi-Usa (ugh) the most.
You'd think he'd like to have her instead of me around.
I almost think it's some sort of goddam mass-brainwashing technique she's got goin' on..
So I guess that's why I did it. I dunno. People called it 'uncalled for jealousy' but I thought of it as protecting my goddam territory.
Believe me, if you were in my goddam position, you would've done the same thing (only, you'd deny it 'cause you're a phony bastard like the rest of em).
So it started on a Sunday, a goddam Sunday, last Sunday. It was about 300 degrees outside and only 200 inside. I was on the couch, mindin' my own business (keep this in mind), fanning myself. I was pursuing the vain goal of preventing my melting body to seep into the dangerous cracks of the couch when she comes prancing in, all la-de-da-yah with that screwball fake smile and whines in that goddam high voice, "Odango-atama, where's the sugar?"
"How the hell should I know?" But I didn't say that. I have class. I said instead, "Why, Chibi-Usa?"
"Because I want it," she stated.
"I dunno where it is," besides anymore sugar and she'll get goddam diabetes. I'm doing her a favor, unfortunately. She stomped her foot. "Well find it!"
I peeked open one eye from under my luxurious ice pack. "Or else what?" I knew I was picking a goddam challenge that'll I'll lose anyway but I couldn't help my goddam self.
"O r else I'll scream," she said oh-so sweetly.
"You little brat-" I rose up to give her the worst goddam beating of her life when she started to cry, "Ahhh! Someone help! Usagi-chan is hurting me!"
And before you know it, my whole family come outta nowhere! I'm not kidding you. They really did. It was ridiculous.
"Usagi-chan! What have I told you about harming your little cousin?" Whap, whap. "How can you lay a hand on that sweet harmless thing?" Whap, whap. "She's only a child, for Goodness sakes!" Whap, whap.
And before you know it, I got all these bumps on my head mysteriously.
So there I was, just minding my own business, when that abnormally-colored brat whines about sugar and gets me assaulted by my own mother. My brother was the next to bitch at me: "Yeah, Usagi, she's just a kid. Grow up."
"I will when you do," emphasizing his shortness. Of course I didn't say that really. I have enough bruises as it is from fake accusations let alone real ones. So I just glare at the idiotic excuse of a brother. Where's the friggin family loyalty?
Pops shook his head at me. "Honestly, Usagi…." What the hell were they doing here in the first place! Were they just waiting for the hallway forher to scream? Do they do this ALL the time? Does she have, like, a tracking device for them?
"Bah," I groaned, finally submitting and mumbling a "sorry." I didn't mean it though. I almost never mean it when it's for her. The brat never looked more smug with that twisted smile. I wanted to smack it off her goddam face.
"Now! Chibi-Usa-chan," my mother oozed her phony honey voice over her, "what is it exactly that started all this?"
"Oh Ikuno-mama," oh boy, here comes the bull. The little devil even dug her goddam little foot into the floor to make herself cute, "Oh, I just wanted some sugar to bake cookies for everyone I love and adore!" She sniffed. This kid was good. I'm not kidding you. She shames con-artists and Shirley Temple alike. "And-and," she started to stutter as if overcome with emotion. Ha! She has no emotion. "a special one for Usagi-chan because she's my favorite cousin in the-the whole wide w-world but-" she broke off to goddam cry in my mother's apron. "she wouldn't tell me where it was!"
If dirty looks were bullets, I'd be goddam swiss cheese by now.
My mother gave me the goddam Look that said: "We Will 'Talk' Later," before she led Chibi-Usa aside to the kitchen. No one saw it but the child turned her head around to give me her best goddam, "I win," look.
Goddammit. I always lose. Always!
So I got up and left the goddam house. It was obvious I wasn't wanted there. Well, maybe to torture. But that's about it.
I went to the one place I would be wanted: the Arcade.
"Yatta!" I grabbed a chocolate smoothie and slurped it up. "Woosh!" I swung around in my chair, purring from euphoric joy. Aaah, bliss. No moms, no bastard phonies, but especially no Chibi-
Spoke too soon, spoke too goddam soon.
She followed me. The little-
I opened an eye to glare warily at the little monster who had violated my sanctuary.
She flashed Motoki a grin at the counter. Motoki, behind the counter, smiled back, obviously unaware of the evil that stared him in the face. He, with his boy next door attitude, would probably do very well to serve in her legion of cute and adorable Anti-Christs if it would make her smile.
"Konnichiwa, Chibiusa-chan," he cooed, wiping the counter.
"Motoki, can you tell me if Usagi-chan is here?" Bah. She doesn't need to ask. She knows I'm here. She can smell me. Oh, Motoki, please don't tell her I'm here.
"Ah! Usagi-chan is over there!" Damn him. Goddam it. I put my head down on the table. There was no escaping her. At home, even in the arcade, one cannot slip through her tight cute little grasp.
"Arigato, Motoki-san!" You could practically hear the glee in her voice. I shuddered.
"Oh Usagi-chan!" she rang out.
"Hai, Chibi-usa?" I still haven't surfaced from under the table where I ducked two minutes ago. I clutched the smoothie to my chest woefully and sighed. This is truly hell. I was hiding from a ten year-old. Never mind that she was a supernatural abnormal ten year-old. I was pathetic. "What do you want? Aren't you supposed to be baking?" I said miserably. Did she really stop just to torture me? I wasn't sure if I should be frightened or flattered.
Ever the smug look plastered on her face. "Ikuko-mama and I were making cookies but we ran out of ingredients, so she sent me to get you to get them. We'll start baking tomorrow!" She shoved a piece of paper in my hands. I looked at it, very disinterested.
"WHAT! This place is a TOWN OVER! What kind of cookies are you making?"
She stuck her tongue at me. "If you don't want to help, just say so… and I'll tell Mama!"
Ack. Bastard child. Why did I ever allow myself to breed in the future knowing I made this monstrosity? I rolled my eyes imagining the lecture I'd get from my Senshi. 'Because the future depends on it, Odango-atama.' Christ, I hate that nickname.
"..Alright.." It was too much to fight for, y'know. Besides, they were just cookies. And going a town over would get me away from her.
"While you're gone, I'll keep Mamo-chan company! Besides, the cookies are for him anyways!" She gave me an evil look. "Have YOU ever done anything special for Mamo-chan, Mother?"
The Gods must've restrained me from killing her then. I gritted my teeth. "None of your beeswax." And stomped out. But the second I reached the door, the second, I'm not kidding you… she was at my favorite game, Sailor V. Now, I don't expect you to really understand my obsession with Sailor V. Oh, what with your Final Fantasy X stuff and all that goddam football arcade things.. but Sailor V is sacred. No one is allowed to get the high score but me. It's just an unspoken rule. Break it and I'll break you.
And you wanna know what she did? She broke it. In a really infuriating way too. In like five minutes, whereas it took me five hours, she beat the all-time high score. She's impossible, she really is.
Everyone was busy oohing and ahhing that I didn't bother to confront her. I know the only reason she bothered with Sailor V was because I was there and she knew it'd piss me off. And it did. So, so badly.
I stomped outside to the bus stop, growling. I stomped onto the bus, growling. I stomped out of the bus, growling. I stomped all the way to the store, growling. I stomped down the aisle, growling. God, that kid just…grrrrrrr!
So to distract myself I looked at the list. "Flour.." I grabbed it and stuffed it into the cart. "Check!... Vanilla extract… hmm.. check!... Sugar…" I saw the sugar but didn't feel like picking it up. I could always say that they ran out. Of course, what store could run out of sugar? They'd see through my goddam lie.. bastards.
But here's where fate had a little interesting twist to it. In the stores I usually go to, the rat arsenic is over two aisles away from the sugar. Here it was almost right next to it. Wow, what a strange circumstance, I thought.
So my gaze went from the sugar to the rat poison.. sugar, rat poison, sugar, rat poison, sugar, rat poison…
On the end, I decided on talcum powder. After all, I didn't want to kill her.. besides, I'd be the first one they'd suspect. So even if I wanted to really be rid of her, I'd get caught. And frankly, getting raped by overly large women in prison isn't my ideal escape from society.
Bah. But still, I'm here aren't I?
Let me go through the events with you: I came home very late with the stuff, mom yelled at me, Chibi-Usa locked me out of my own room, I slept on the roof, I almost DIED but no one cared… and then came the next day when the cookies were freshly baked.
Of course I had to personally escort Chibi-Usa as she delivered her precious cookies to everyone she loved and adored… which was simply put: Mamoru. Ahhh, my Mamo-chan. You would've liked the guy, even though he was as phony as Cher's musical talents. He was alright anyways.
We arrived on his doorstep, me with my eye twitching and Chibi-Usa with the most brilliant smile on her face and a big bagful of warm talcum-cookies. I almost gagged with my laughter but I kept my appearance. Wouldn't want the little brat to suspect.
So when he opened the door, it was only natural he fall back as we both lunged at him.
"Back off, you little brat!" I shoved Chibi-Usa out of the way.
"He's MY Mamo-chan, Odango-atama!"
"Stop calling me that! And he was mine before yours!"
"He likes me better!"
"I will once you leave us alone!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Guys!" Mamo-chan wheezed. "I can't breathe!"
"Get off him, you little brat!"
"Me? He was talking to you!"
"I will once you get off!"
"Nyyyhh!" I stuck my tongue at her. "What a load of bull!..Right Mamo-chan?...Mamo-chan?"
"Great, you killed him!"
So I did. Let the brat win her battles. In the end, I'll still have him. Wait..what if I die first and he's left and then she's adult age in the future and ahhhh, oh my god, I'm thinking too much. Brain overload! Brain overload!
"Ahh, arigato, Usagi-chan."
"Yeah, yeah, no problem," I grumbled, crossing my arms across my chest as I watched the pink-haired Hitler cuddle my boyfriend. The one I'm supposedly going to spend the rest of the millennium with.
"Mamo-chan, I brought you some cookies." Bah. This outta be sweet. Ehehe, forgive the pun though.
"Chibi-Usa-chan," he cooed, petting her. "That was so sweet and thoughtful of you! Sugar cookies! How'd you know those were my favorite? Oh! And they're warm too!" You think you've won, brat, but you haven't seen nothing yet. I couldn't wait for the moment where Mamo-chan retched up those cookies right in her face. Oh! I'm almost giddy with anticipation!
As he grabbed a cookie and slowly put it in his mouth, there it was! It was there for a second and then it was gone. He forced a smile and chomped down effectively on the cookie. "Is goob," he said through mouthfuls, obviously holding back the desire to throw up. After all, it was cute little Chibi-Usa-chan… she probably worked hard to bake those cookies..probably spent the entire night making them, to get just the perfect batch for her dear little Mamo-chan.
Pfffft. Retch, Mamoru, retch right in her little face! "Are you alright, Mamo-chan?" I asked sweetly. I almost sound like the kid. Chibi-Usa hissed at me. "Back off, he's savoring my cookies."
"Oh, you made them, Chibi-Usa-chan?" Mamo-chan swallowed and looked at her nervously.
"Yup! She spent all night on them, too, I bet," I sighed and looked defeated. The brat was immediately suspicious. I smirked, I crossed my arms, "Don't eat them all. You'll spoil your appetite!" She glared and then smiled at Mamo-chan.
"No, you won't! After all, she's riiiight. I worked hard to bake these."
"Hai, you did," he smiled and petted her again. And then he grabbed another cookie and shoved it in, almost swallowing it in the same second.
"All of 'em are just for you!" She beamed.
"All-all of them?" He stuttered as he stared at the huge bag.
"Hai!...do you like them?"
"Of course I do! They're great!" His hand shook as he reached to get another one and put it in his mouth, swallowing. "They're better than great," he grabbed three and shoved them simultaneously in his mouth, swallowing, "they're wonderful! I couldn't ask for better cookies!" The more he tried to reassure her that they were great, the more cookies he ate. And pretty soon, after a couple of minutes, the whole bag was gone.
Goddam Mamo-chan. His love for his future daughter masked the horrible taste of the cookies. My plans were foiled. I sighed, looking very unhappy in my chair. No throwing up on Chibi-Usa today, I guess… maybe tomorrow!
An hour went by, and Mamo-chan looked increasingly pale and shaky. Finally he stood up, "I gotta go," and rushed all the way to the bathroom.
After a million and a half hours, I kinda got a little worried. What does talcum powder do to you if you eat it, anyway? I knocked on the door and heard a deep groan. "Uhhh, Mamo-chan, are you alright?"
I heard a very faint, "H-hai, Usagi…" and then more groaning. I almost giggled knowing in the future that he'd probably do anything at any cost to avoid Chibi-usa's cookies. "Uhh, you sure?" I heard nothing then and repeated myself. "Uh, Mamo-chan?" and then I opened the door and saw him on the floor unconscious.
"Iiie!" I ran to him. "Mamo-chan!"
Chibi-Usa was at the doorstep. "What did you DO to him?"
"NOTHING! Get an ambulance! Your cookies killed Mamo-chan!"
"Unnnh," Mamo-chan groaned. "I need a doctor.."
"Go, you little brat!"
Chibi-Usa left only with a glare and another million and a half hours later, the ambulance came. As they carried him away, the police questioned me, "M'am, do you know what could've done this to that poor young man?"
I sniffled into my handkerchief and pointed at Chibi-Usa who, of course, was clueless. Man, this was working out BETTER than Mamoru vomiting in her little face. "She-she baked the cookies and made him eat it!" I started to sob. One of the policeman patted me on the back. "It's alright.. One out of every twenty crimes are commited by unsuspecting cute little people.." I did NOT know that.. hmm..
"Alright boys, take 'er away!" The SWAT team dragged Chibi-Usa away, kicking and screaming.
"Aiiii, I want my lawyer!"
"You have the right to remain silent…" the guy carried on and I smiled, covering my mouth with a handkerchief and continued to pretend sob. Man, was this a stroke of good luck or what? Suuure, Mamo-chan was in the hospital. Suuure, my future daughter is now an attempted murder suspect. Suuure, this could all turn on me like it usually does.. but for once, people think the little brat is evil! For once they see it my way! Hallelujah!
So why exactly am I in prison? Why did my brilliant plan BACKFIRE?
Well, to put it shortly, eating talcum powder in large amounts results in... uh, expensive bathroom problems. Secondly, they found out from my tearful mother that I was the one who got the ingredients for the cookies. And lastly, they knew I had a grudge against Chibi-Usa so it was simple to put together that I framed her.
I never win. I never ever goddam win.
So that's it…that's why I'm here. Next week is when Mamo-chan visits me. I already know the little devil brat isn't tagging along since they secured a restraint order prohibiting me to be within 100 feet of her. Not that I didn't think that was such a bad thing. Prison life ain't so goddam bad like it is in the movies. You get food, a place to sleep, all the manga you want, and on the bright side, I finally get to live a happy normal life free from monsters. It's an easy win-win situation.
A week after she issued her confession, it all came out when she was getting food in the cafeteria that she was on Candid Camera and that the whole thing, including her daughter being a supreme brat, was a set-up and that she won a million dollars.
When they asked her what she was going to do next, she replied cheerfully, "I'm going to Disneyland!"
She eloped with Mamoru, sent her daughter to boarding school, and went on to be the next Queen of the World.
She died in her early thirties from food poisoning (from cookies, if ya can believe it..) and left her young handsome husband in the grasp of their blossoming teenage daughter.
Fact or fiction?...You decide.