Author's note: Do you guys know how much fun writing these three is? So anyway, this little plot-bunny hopped into my head and I wrote it down yesterday. This has two chapters because it's just that awesome (not really XD). I don't know WHY I like to humiliate Itachi so much. He's just an easy target I guess. And I'm sorry of he's OOC. I try not to make him OOC as much as I can. The end of this chapter is kinda lame…but I couldn't think of anything witty to end it with. I wanted to write the next chapter :P So…I hope you enjoy. I'll post the next chapter as quickly as I can.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the Akatsuki would be all one big orgy organization :)

Never Mess With An Uchiha


"Pleeeeeease, Itachi?"


"C'mon red-eye, how can you resist that pout?"

Uchiha Itachi prided himself on his self-restraint. He never folded under pressure. But that was before Deidara had decided to pucker up his lips and get all sparkly-eyed. And Hidan wasn't helping. He was just encouraging Deidara with whatever the blonde wanted him to do.

"I'll never ask for anything from you again, un."

"Yes you will," he snarled.


"No is no."

Deidara's lower lip quivered. Itachi wanted to roll his eyes. That never worked when Sasuke had done it and it wouldn't work now. He saw two tears fall down the blonde's cheeks. Deidara then turned towards Hidan and clung onto him. "Why is he being such a dickhead, un?!" he cried.

Hidan glared at Itachi as he comforted the other man. "I don't know, Dei-chan. He's just a heartless bastard. Can't even do one fucking favor…"

That isn't going to work, Hidan, Itachi thought. You will not get me to change my mind.

"…Guess he's too much of a chicken…"

Itachi tensed up and narrowed his eyes at him. "I am not a chicken," he hissed.

"Seriously?" Hidan smirked. "Then why can't you do this one thing for Deidara?"

"Because what he's asking me to do is…degrading."

"Oh c'mon, you'll look fine."

"That's not the point."

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "Then what is the point, red-eye?"

Itachi glanced at Deidara, who was giving him the most pitiful puppy dog eyes he had ever seen, and sighed. "For me to…do this…you must promise me something, Deidara."

"Anything, un," the blonde smiled.

The Uchiha heaved an even heavier sigh and grabbed the bag on the floor that Deidara had shown him before. He took a peek at its contents and made a disgusted face. He then went into the bathroom and closed the door. Hidan poked Deidara's cheek. "He must really fucking love you to do something like this," he mumbled with a grin.

Deidara winked. "He wouldn't have done it otherwise."

They waited a few more minutes. "Hey red-eye, you done in there yet?!" Hidan called with a grin.

The door unlocked and Itachi stepped out. Hidan's jaw nearly hit the floor at what he was wearing. He was wearing a gothic Lolita outfit, complete with white lace and frills, blood red ribbons for the hair, which Itachi had put into pigtails. He'd adorned his face with the makeup in the bag. Surprisingly, he didn't look half-bad and it made Hidan wonder if Itachi had ever worn makeup before. The blush on the Uchiha's face was quite amusing.

Deidara's face broke into a wide grin. "You look great, Itachi, un!" he exclaimed. He walked closer and played with Itachi's pigtails. "You're so cute!"

"You're such a gothic Lolita, red-eye," Hidan sneered. "I had no idea." He came up behind the other man and put his hand under the dress. "Nice…you even bought him frilly panties, Dei-chan."

Itachi's face erupted an even darker shade of red. "Are you happy now, Deidara?" he growled.


"Then can I go change back?"

"Not yet, un."


"I promised you'd get something in return and now you're gonna get it."

Itachi blinked his eyes a few times before realization dawned on him. "No. Absolutely not."

"But I've always wanted to have sex with a gothic Lolita, un," Deidara pouted.

"But I'm not really—"

"Humor him, red-eye," Hidan muttered in his ear. "Besides, I wouldn't mind trying you out myself."

"This is humiliating," Itachi grumbled. He sat down on his bed and frowned.

Deidara smiled and settled himself in his lap. He brushed one of the pigtails aside and kissed at the base of Itachi's neck. "Did you put perfume on too, Itachi, un?" he asked playfully. "You smell nice."

Itachi ignored him. He wanted to punch Hidan in the face. The religious bastard kept grinning at him. "The lipstick looks fucking wonderful on you, red-eye, seriously," he sneered. "I'm curious to know how you even knew how to put it on."

Itachi averted his eyes and stared at the floor; though that was hard with Deidara kissing his neck. He'd never felt so humiliated in all his life. He was a shinobi, bred for battle and destruction; not a dress-up doll. Sure, he liked wearing nail polish, but he'd never once wanted to be dressed up as a gothic Lolita to satisfy Deidara's strange fetish.

"This is outfit is uncomfortable," he said suddenly.

"We can fix that," Hidan said huskily against his ear. The silver-haired man wrapped his arms around Itachi's waist and began unfastening the string holding the corset on. As he worked, he let his tongue drag along Itachi's collarbone. The Uchiha shivered at the contact. "I think you like this, red-eye."

"Would you—stop—calling me—that?" the other panted.

"What? Want me to call you…Itachi?" he purred. Itachi let out a very small moan.

Deidara smirked. "He likes it, un. Do it again, Hi-chan."

Hidan nodded and took Itachi's ear into his mouth while whispering sensually, "We're gonna fuck you nice and slow, Itachi."

The dark-haired man let out another moan, this time much louder. "Stop…stalling," he snarled.

"Oh? You little whore," Hidan laughed. He yanked on one of Itachi's pigtails to pull his face closer. He then kissed Itachi, running his tongue along the other's bottom lip. "I gotta say, Itachi…you're turning me on, seriously," he smirked.

Deidara giggled and pulled the other pigtail. He kissed Itachi much more gently, though with the same passion. "Can we have fun with our Itachi Lolita now, un?" he asked.

"There's no objections," Hidan stated. "Ready for some fun, Itachi?"

"Yes," he replied.

They lowered him onto the bed. Deidara had just finished untying the corset when there was a knock on the door. "Hey! Itachi-san!"

Hidan and Deidara exchanged looks. "Shit, it's Kisame!" Hidan whispered.

"What do we do?" Deidara asked urgently.

They looked down at Itachi, who seemed oblivious to their conversation. They shrugged and formed a few hand seals and they disappeared with a poof. Itachi blinked and sat up on the bed. "Deidara? Hidan?" he called.

The door opened suddenly and in stepped Kisame. "Geez, your eyes are bad enough, Itachi-san," the shark-nin said with a sigh. He went to turn on the lights. "Keeping the lights off only strains your eyes…more…What the hell?!"

Itachi imagined he must have looked absolutely ridiculous at that moment. His makeup with smeared, his corset was untied and showing his bare chest, he was wearing a dress with frills, and he had his hair up in pigtails.

Kisame's jaw dropped comically. "Um…Itachi-san…"

Itachi glared at him. He was angry. Hidan and Deidara had abandoned him. Granted, they didn't feel like displaying their affections for each other in front of others, but still. They could have warned him or something. "Am I not allowed to my own…fantasies?" He winced. This was NOT his fantasy.

Kisame's lips turned up into a toothy grin. "No, you're allowed your fantasies. I just didn't know you…went for the gothic Lolita look."

Itachi vowed at that moment to add Kisame to his mental hit list. Hidan and Deidara were first in line.

"Nice legs by the way."

Scratch that. All three of them were tied for first.

Hidan and Deidara are dead.

Author's note: Bwahahahaha! Poor Ita-kun...actually, poor Deidara and Hidan. I feel compelled to draw Itachi in a gothic Lolita outfit now...