Author's note: So here's the second chapter. I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Cape Cod and I won't be back until I decided to post this chapter today. Anyway, I wasn't sure what Itachi's revenge would be and suddenly this idea came to me and I just kinda laughed like a maniac for awhile. I'm so cruel to Hidan and Deidara. Oh yeah, and I'm not trying to diss HidanKakuzu and DeiTobi. I love those couples as well, but well, in this fic Dei-Dei and Hidan don't like it. And I think I scared myself with Deidara's…well, you'll see. Hidan has such a potty mouth here also, but that's to be expected. :P

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the Akatsuki would be one big orgy organization :)

Never Mess With An Uchiha

Itachi knew what he had to do. It would be torturous, but he didn't care. Hidan and Deidara deserved every bit of torture for leaving him partially dressed in a gothic Lolita outfit. They hadn't even had sex!

He found Deidara in his room, creating another clay masterpiece. He didn't even knock. He strode forward, activating his Sharingan and came up behind the blonde. "What is it, un?" Deidara asked without turning around.

"I want to show you something," Itachi replied.

Deidara turned to look at him, and in an instant he was transported to a strange world. He glanced around, calling Itachi's name. "Where the hell am I, un?" he called.

"Deidara-senpaaaaaai!" a high-pitched voice cried.

"What? Tobi, what the hell are you doing here?"

The masked man ran towards him. "I'm ready, senpai!"


"For our date!"

Deidara's eyes widened. "DATE?!"

Tobi giggled. "Senpai, can I kiss you?"


He whimpered. "Please, senpai? I know we'll be doing much more later, but I just wanted a quick kiss before our date."

Deidara's mouth dropped open. "Who said we were doing stuff later?!"

Tobi cocked his head to the side. "Does that mean you wanna do stuff now?"


Okay, this is just a dream, Deidara thought. I gotta stay calm. Tobi is not my date and I will NOT kiss him. Suddenly, the scenery changed and Deidara found himself in a bedroom. "Now where am I?"

"Senpai, you look flustered." He turned around and saw Tobi lying on the bed. The masked man stood up and felt Deidara's forehead. "You're warm. Are you sick, senpai?"

"I—I don't know."

"Here, sit down." Deidara sat beside his partner, still in shock. Was this a dream? Or was this real? No…it couldn't be real. But you weren't supposed to be able to feel your dreams, right? Tobi's hand had felt very real. Tobi wrapped his arms around the blonde. "I hate seeing you so sad, Deidara-senpai. Want me to kiss you?"

"I…Wait. WHAT?!"

"You always like it when I kiss you, senpai. You say it makes you feel better."

"Well I was lying!"

Even though he was wearing a mask, Tobi looked heartbroken. Deidara normally wouldn't feel sorry for insulting him. But the sniffling behind the mask was starting to become annoying and he sighed heavily. "Tobi…fine…one kiss." He could not believe he was doing this. He loved Itachi and Hidan! Or did he?

Tobi perked up and prepared to take off his mask. "You should close your eyes, senpai."


"I don't want you to see my face."


He closed his eyes and felt Tobi's arms come around him and pull him closer. He felt his lips on his and for a moment, Deidara forgot he was kissing a dream-Tobi. He opened his eye a bit and felt the color drain out of his face. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"What?" Tobi—or who he thought was Tobi—asked.

"Y-You're Sasori no danna's grandmother!!!!!"

Itachi smirked as Deidara's screams echoed around the room. Now for Hidan. He didn't have to go looking for him, because Hidan came running into Deidara's room, hearing the screams.

"What the fuck is going on?!" he snarled. Then he made the mistake of looking directly into Itachi's eyes and felt himself fade into unconsciousness. When Hidan woke up, he was in his room. He blinked a few times. As he sat up on his bed, he noticed his rosary wasn't around his neck. Panicking, he stood up and started searching everywhere in the room. "Dammit! Where the fuck is it?!"

There was a knock on his door. Kakuzu walked in, raising an eyebrow at his partner. "Lose something?"

"Yeah, my rosary," Hidan replied. He suddenly stopped and turned to glare at him. "You don't know where it is, do you?"

Kakuzu seemed to smirk. "Maybe."

"Kakuzu, you ass-fucker, give it back!"


"What do you mean 'no?!'"

"I mean just what I say, Hidan. No."

Hidan's face turned red in anger. "You greedy, money whore! Give me my goddamn rosary!"

"Say please."


"I sold it."


"Turns out cheap shit like that rosary actually go for quite a bit of money."

Hidan screamed and lunged at his partner. "YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! GET IT BACK!!"

"Why should I?" Kakuzu sneered. "I can already tell tonight is going to be fun."

Hidan backed away, arching an eyebrow. "Say what?"

Kakuzu removed his mask and set it down on his dresser. "You like it rough, right?"


Kakuzu then removed his headband, letting his dark hair out. He walked closer to the religious man and backed him up against the wall. "So…you want me to go first or you?"

"Kakuzu, dude, what the hell are you doing?"

"You really are a brainless idiot, aren't you?"


"Shut up." Hidan's eyes widened when Kakuzu pressed his mouth to his. He pushed him away, eyes wide.

"Kakuzu, seriously, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Kissing you, idiot. Or are you so dense you can't figure it out?"

"…WHY are you kissing me?"

Kakuzu stared at him. "I sincerely hope you're just acting like an idiot. If you really are this stupid, we may have to do something about this relationship."

"What relationship? Seriously, you're fuckin' scaring me."

Kakuzu moved closer and let one of his tentacles extend from his mouth to brush against Hidan's pale cheek. "Isn't it obvious?" Hidan felt the color drain from his face.

"Fuck no," he whispered.

Kakuzu smirked. "You're kind of cute when you're scared, Hidan."


Itachi watched as Hidan fell back against the floor, screaming and moaning pitifully. The Uchiha grinned and walked out of the room. Deidara and Hidan wouldn't be awake for another hour or so.

When Deidara awoke, he sat bolt up-right on his bed. His eyes were wide. Tobi was nowhere to be seen and for some reason, Hidan was lying beside him. The blonde blinked his eyes a few times. He then shook Hidan awake. He swore under his breath before opening one of his eyes.

"What the fuck…?"

"Hi-chan," Deidara whimpered.

"What happened?"

"I had a bad dream; a really bad dream."

Hidan sat up. "It probably wasn't as fucked up as my dream."

"Oh yeah? For some reason Tobi was my lover and then when he took off his mask to kiss me he was Sasori no danna's grandmother, un!"

Hidan made a face. "That is fucked up. But wait 'til you hear mine. Kakuzu was like my bitch or something. Or I was his bitch. Either way it was fucking scary as all hell. AND he sold my rosary for money."

Deidara pat his back. "I've never been so scared in my entire life."

"Yeah. I think I'm like…mentally scarred now."

"I'm glad to hear it," Itachi's soft voice came from the doorway. Both looked up.

"What do you mean you're glad?" Hidan snarled.

"Itachi…you didn't cast a genjutsu on us, did you, un?" Deidara asked, lower lip quivering.

"It was payback," he answered.

"Fuck you, red-eye," Hidan spat. "Seriously, FUCK. YOU."

Itachi smirked. "You both left me alone in my room still dressed in that Lolita outfit for Kisame to see. You deserved some sort of humiliation in return."

"B-But…Tobi as Sasori's grandmother???!!" Deidara cried. "That's just sick and wrong, un!"

"Perhaps. But it was amusing to see your reactions."

"You're a fucking sadist," Hidan said angrily. "Making me Kakuzu's dream-bitch and making him sell my rosary."

Itachi sat beside them on the bed. "Did you both learn anything from this?"

"Yeah, I learned that Kakuzu has tentacles in places I NEVER want to see again," Hidan said with a shudder.

"I meant, did you learn a lesson from this?"

"Shit, are you serious? After being mind-fucked by your genjutsu you actually expect us to come away with a stupid life-lesson?"

"Apparently that's too much to ask of you two," Itachi mumbled.

Deidara hugged the Uchiha suddenly. "I'm sorry, Itachi. We won't ever leave you alone in a Lolita outfit again, un. Just promise us you won't ever use that genjutsu again."

Itachi rolled his eyes. "I promise. And you are forgiven."

"You guys are such fucking pansies," Hidan growled. Itachi glared at him. "What? So…can we fuck now?"

"What a way to ruin the moment, Hidan," Deidara sneered.

"Don't start with me. I had fuckin' tentacle sex with Kakuzu in that fucking genjutsu. I need you guys to take that mental image away, seriously."

Itachi couldn't stop the smirk from forming on his lips. Yep, revenge was sweet.

Author's note: So I hope you liked this small ficlet. I have ideas for a few more fics involving these guys, one in particular I think could turn into a several chapter story :) So...because I can't bring my PC with me on vacation, I won't be able to reply to anyone if they PM or something. But by all means, review and PM me if you want. I'll answer stuff when I return this Friday. Thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot. When my readers are happy, I'm happy and when I'm happy, I write fanfics :P 'Til next time!