Why Final Fantasy never made it as TV stars #2
"Uncle Cid's Cartoon Neighborhood
By Yuffie Valentine
This is just supposed to be a kid's show they have on one of those public broadcast channels that warps kids minds. Of course since Cid is hosting, I think he'll really screw the kids up.
A set made out to look like a town is ready. An audience full of small children 3-6 is waiting. The announcer speaks.
"Hello children and parents, Midgar public access channel 27 proudly brings you Uncle Cid's Cartoon Neighborhood." The man says, " Now here is Uncle Cid himself."
Cid comes out in some slacks and a bright red sweater. "Hey kids, how the *&%$ are you?"
"We're *&%$en fine Uncle Cid." They all answer at the same time.
"That's just great!" Cid says. "Before we get the cartoons, I think it's time we go to see how everyone in Cid's Neighborhood is doing."
Cid walks back a few steps. Barret comes out in a pair of overalls and a pitchfork in his hand, "Hey kiddies!"
"Why look everybody, it's that *&%$en Bastard, Farmer Barret!" Cid chuckles. "Farmer Barret smashed into Uncle Cid's car this morning. So he is a *&%$ face. Can you say *&$# face!?"
"*&%$ FACE!" The kids yell back.
"Good!" Cid says and gives a big cheesy smile.
"Man Cid, you one &$#ed &**!" Barret says. He throws his pitchfork at Cid. It misses and hits a cameraman.
"Oh, Farmer Barret seems to be mad. Well, Uncle Cid is very made, he has had a really bad week. And he is going to take it out on the people in his neighbor hood." Cid smiles evilly.
Tifa and Cloud walk on. They are dressed like a postman and a firewoman.
"Well look! It's Tifa. She won't go out with me cause she is in love with that postal asshole. But she doesn't know that he has been 'delivering' for her and Aeris the gardener. He is a two timing jerk, but she'll still love him anyways." Cid growls at Cloud.
Tifa turns to Cloud. "Is what he says true?"
"In so many words. Maybe!" Cloud ducks Tifa's kicks and punches as she chases him off stage.
"Opps, was I suppose to keep that a secret. Oh wait, look! Here comes Officer Vincent and it looks like he caught himself a burglar." Cid says. Vincent comes on dressed like a police officer dragging Yuffie in handcuffs.
"Oh, who is that Officer Vincent?" Cid asks.
"Well this is Yuffie the thief. You should never steals kids, it's bad." Vincent says with a smile.
"Yep, that's right! You don't want to grow up and be like Yuffie. She is all kinds of messed up." Cid laughed.
"WHAT!?" Yuffie screams, "You asshole, look who you are to talk."
"Yuffie the thief better be good or Uncle Cid will tell everyone what Yuffie and Officer Vincent were doing with those handcuffs last night!" Cid glares over at Yuffie. Both her and Vincent's eyes bug out. They're faces turn red.
"Fine, you win Cid." Yuffie says. Vincent escorts her off stage.
"Wow look at the time. It's time for your favorite cartoon. Captain Highwind's kick ass adventures." Cid points to a Tv being brought out.
"Look it, it's our trusty stage hands Reddy and Cait!" the announcer says.
Red XIII and Cait Sith push out the TV. Cait Sith presses play on the VCR.
A voice on the video starts "Welcome to XXX theater. Get ready for a wet and wild ride."
"Oh, it seems that Uncle Cid must have left his tape in there last night. Well forget the cartoon." Cid smiles.
"Ummm, uncle Cid, they told us to take you of the air!" the announcer says.
"Whose they?" Cid askes.
"The station mangers." Replys the announcer.
"Well kids, it looks like this is Goodbye. But before I go break the legs of the station managers with my bat, I would like to sing a little song." Cid says.
A spotlight falls on him.
In Life, there are things that we hate to do
That's when you yell out "screw you"
If you try to be nice and kind
People will rob you blind
So be a tough-ass
And you might just pass
If life is starting to suck
Just yell "Oh *&%$"
And everything will be okay
Until the very next day
***ends little song***
"Well, goodbye Kids!" Cid says. He grabs a bat and heads for the office section of the building.
And somewhere in the world, a kid learns that TV isn't always right. And another kid learns just to say *&%$ every time something goes wrong. This is the impact Cid makes on the world.
Okay this one was really short and stupid. But review anyway.
Next time: The Real Fantasy (The Real World)