"I've grown quite tired of observing a static subject. That's why…" Asakura Ryoko told me, "I'll make out with you and see how Suzumiya Haruhi responds."



Not Quite What I'd Expected



The Haruhi franchise is owned by Nagaru Tanigawa.


Update: 4/24/14

The order is now Ryoko, Haruhi, and Suou.


Asakura came to a stop right in front of me. I realize just then that she's pretty tall for a girl. She didn't need to stand on her toes to reach for the back of my head so that she can pull my face down to hers and–

She kissed me full on the mouth.

She tasted like… blueberries. Sweet blueberries packed into glass jars filled with its own juices as a soak to enhance its flavor tenfold. Asakura tasted delicious, delectably delicious sweetness that you spoiled yourself with during special occasions only, because to indulge more often would be a mortal sin. And yet even if you burned in Hell because of it, it was totally worth it, because some things can turn Hell into Heaven.

Her lips were soft and moist like the choicest bread muffins, the kind that kisses your lips before melting in your mouth. Asakura's soft lips melded into mine with a hunger at once both desperate and restrained, pushing and pulling and moving with and against mine.

Her tongue vigorously explored my mouth. I felt it find my own, felt it wrestle with mine for dominance. She proved stronger (but I strangely didn't mind losing, not this time, not even to a girl) and pinned me against the floor of my mouth for the decisive three-count, reducing me to a ruined wreck.

Wow, Asakura's a really good French kisser…

I shivered. If I was told I was going to die now, I think I wouldn't mind.

"Kyon! Remember, this is not a date! If I find you going off to have fun with her, I'll kill you!"


At that moment, I abruptly woke up from the dream and was thrust into the nightmare reality.

My hands found Asakura's shoulders. I shoved her away from me. She almost loses her balance. I would have been horrified as to how roughly I treated a girl if I wasn't in so much shock.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. What is this? No, wait. What's going on here? Why did Asakura kiss me? Hold on a sec. What did Asakura say? Make out with me? Why? Naze? For what reason?

Stop joking around! This is really embarrassing! What would people say if they caught us?

"You think this is a joke? You don't like how I kiss?" Asakura cheerfully twiddled her fingers in a very cute manner. "I don't really understand the concepts of courtship and sexual rituals for organic life forms…"

I don't get it! It's not funny! Stop this stupid thing at once!

"That's impossible." She beamed at me. "Because I truly want to make out with you, Kyon."

She strode towards me. (Actually, I could have sworn she teleported towards me. Which merits a "What the?") I turn for the door.

What the? The door's gone!

"It's no use," Asakura told me. "This space is now under my data jurisdiction. No one can leave or enter."

I have no idea what's going on. If somebody comes, come here! And explain this to me!

"Say, just give up," she enticed me. "The result will be the same in the end."

Who are you? Or rather, what are you?

Asakura's answer was to head straight for me. I ran behind desks, trying to put as much distance between us as possible. Her response was to glide towards me, and the chairs and tables parted for her like the Red Sea did for Moses in that old Cecil B. de Mille movie. Meanwhile my path was always blocked.

"Didn't I tell you it was useless? Right now, everything in this classroom moves according to my will."

Wait wait wait! What is this? Make out with me and see how Suzumiya Haruhi responds? Haruhi again? You sure are popular, Haruhi!

And wait. Why does that mean I have to make out with Asakura?

The whole classroom warps around me. Everything disappeared and got replaced by pink material. Pink rug, pink walls, mirrors on the ceiling, a king-sized fur bed...

Good grief. I'm inside a love motel room.

"I should have done this from the very beginning," Asakura told herself as much as she was telling me.

I stopped in place. I can't move my arms and legs. You can do that? I cry foul play!

"If I make out with you, Suzumiya-san is certain to take some sort of action."

Yeah, like kill us both!

"I'll probably be able to observe a considerable explosion of data. A golden opportunity."

I don't care!

"Now, please, be gentle with me…"

Shouldn't I be the one who should be saying that?

Asakura reached for me again.

The wall to my right explodes.

Ow! That hurts!

Wait! I can move now?

A shocked Asakura – just as she's about to molest me. Standing between her and me is the slim figure of Nagato Yuki.


"Kyon is mine," Nagato stated.

Good grief.


To Be Continued