Title: Ravenwhores And Chocolate Sauce

Pairings: RL/SB, JP/LE

Warnings: Yeah, you guessed it…it's slash! Wonderful, marvellous slash! Let's do the slash dance! No flaming cos guess what? I don't care!

A/N: I know I should be working on Ghostly but me and Phili thought this up ages ago and I only just got round to writing it. And this is the longest one-shot I've ever written so appreciate the effort, dammit!

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine! If they were, the Marauders would have a series all to themselves…wistful sigh

Remus sat down at the breakfast table and started piling bacon onto his plate. It was a couple of days after the full moon and he was feeling grumpy and in need of some meat and ketchup.

James, ever ignorant of such things, was disgustingly cheerful.

"This is the day, lads!" Sirius shook his head in amusement.

"You're kidding me."

"I am perfectly serious." Remus quickly raised his head and glared warningly at Sirius, who pouted.

"I wasn't gonna say anything, Moony!" Remus grunted his disbelief and returned to his plate of meaty goodness. James ploughed on, grinning,

"Today is the day that I win the heart of the lovely Lily Evans." Sirius snorted and James ignored him. "Today is the day when she will fall at my feet and finally acknowledge her burning desire for me and my sexy body. She will at last-" Sirius interrupted, already bored of the Lily talk.

"Hex you into the lake and have a screaming fit in front of everyone. Just like she did for the last two V-days." Remus sighed. Valentines Day. He'd completely forgotten. Just another reason for him to be in a bad mood.

Sirius would receive more than the rest of the school put together and wouldn't even open most of them, in favour of guzzling all the chocolate and moaning when he got indigestion. James would get a largish pile and ignore them all in favour of trying, yet again, to woo Lily, and then become depressed when, yet again, he failed. Peter would go out with his girlfriend and then come back and complain about how he was suddenly expected to be romantic. Remus would sit and listen to them all, thinking that he most definitely wasn't jealous. Nope. Not a bit. He poked moodily at his food, suddenly not hungry anymore. Sirius sent him an odd look.

"You alright?"

"Fine. Just tired." Sirius frowned worriedly.

"But…this time wasn't too bad, right? We helped?"

"Yes, Pads. You always help." Remus smiled reassuringly, "Really, I'm just-" he stopped talking as the windows burst open and a cloud of owls flooded into the Great Hall. Predictably, a sizeable portion headed for the Marauders.

Remus turned away as the rain of letters began to fall. He wasn't sulking or anything. It was the moon getting him down. Obviously.

Suddenly something fell into his bacon. Remus glanced at it, then did a double take. A letter?

Then another owl swooped down and deposited its burden onto his plate. And another. And another.

Remus stared incredulously at the pile of letters in front of him. It wasn't as big as James' (Sirius' was in a completely different league.) but it was still quite a reasonable size.

This was a joke. It had to be. This was a cruel joke thought up by someone to torture him and rub it in his face that no one ever sent him cards.

He was so wrapped up in his numb, disbelieving thoughts that he completely missed whatever James had done to try and impress Lily. He heard the scream of outrage and distinctive yelling as if from a distance.

"…the hell do you think you're playing at, Potter, you're…Remus, are you okay?" The boy looked up dazedly into big green eyes, where anger was being replaced by a trace of worry.


"I said, are you-?"

"Remus got cards!" James yelped, pointing wildly at the heap. Lily, looking angry once again at being interrupted, snapped,


"Remus never gets cards." That was from Peter who was staring in awe at the letters. Lily looked highly annoyed now.

"I don't see why not. Remus has got quite a following, you know." She was met with incredulous looks and clicked her tongue in irritation, "Really! All the clever girls like you." Remus shook his head slowly.

"Why would they like me?"

"Why wouldn't they like you?" Remus blinked at Sirius, who shrugged, "I never understood why you didn't get cards before. It's probably because you got taller and filled out over the summer. And you grew your hair out." A silence greeted this speech while Sirius carried on unconcernedly eating his toast. Remus felt unexpectedly self-conscious and glanced nervously out at the rest of the students, tugging on his fringe. He could feel himself blushing and sent a pleading look at Lily.

"What do I do with them?" Lily stopped looking strangely at Sirius and said dryly,

"Normally people open them, Remus." Remus shot a terrified look at the letters and Lily sighed. "Open them later if you're too embarrassed now." Remus gingerly picked up the letters and dropped them into his bag. Then he closed it firmly, swung his legs over the bench and trotted out of the Great Hall.

Sirius watched Remus leave from underneath his lashes. He was determined to find out who had sent Remus Valentines cards. Lily had mentioned smart girls. Unfortunately that was the portion of the girl population that Sirius was least acquainted with.

"Lily, who are the smart girls?" The red head sent him a haughty glare.

"I am not going to tell you who they are, Black. You'll only tease them and Remus, which won't help anything." Sirius reeled backwards with a shocked expression and a hand on his heart.

"Tease? Moi? I would never even dream of doing such a thing!"

"Yeah right. Why are you so interested then?"

"It is my duty as a best friend," Sirius informed her loftily, "To check whether said smart girls are suitable material for our fellow Marauder. There are standards." Lily snorted in a most unladylike way. James sighed happily.

"Standards? You have standards?"

"Yes we do! For me they have to be hot and slutty enough not to cry when I leave them. For Peter, they have to be pretty so as to boost his confidence, but quiet so they're not too annoying. For Remus, they'd have to be pretty damn perfect." Lily raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.

"You forgot James."

"James is a freak of nature who has only ever fancied one girl. He doesn't count."

"Excuse me!" James spluttered, "I don't count? You wound me, Sirius, you really do!"

"That's what I'm here for." Sirius replied solemnly, patting him gravely on the back.

"I thought that's what Lily was here for." piped up Peter. Sirius let out a loud guffaw and James growled,

"Silence, fool!" Lily rolled her eyes dramatically at the three idiots and strode out of the Great Hall. James followed her with his eyes until she was completely out of sight, then rounded on Sirius.

"Subtle, mate, real subtle."

"I don't know what you're talking about." said Sirius breezily, now intent on buttering his fourth piece of toast. James smirked and put on a high, squeaky voice that sounded nothing like Sirius.

"'Why wouldn't they like you?' 'You filled out over the summer and grew your hair out.' 'They have to be perfect for Remus.' 'Who are the-'"

"Alright, alright, I get it!" Sirius said crossly, cutting off the tirade. "But no one noticed."

"Lily did." Sirius groaned.

"Everything's about Lily for you."

"Everything's about Remus for you."

"Shut up!" hissed Sirius, glancing edgily round the room, "There are people!"

"You deserved it. Why don't you just tell him, Sirius?"

"Oh yeah, cos that's worked brilliantly for you." Sirius snapped, losing what little patience he had, "Just drop it, James!"

"Fine! But when Moony is frolicking off into the sunset with his smartass girlfriend and their mountains of books to sit and drink tea and feed each other chocolate and have intelligent, philosophical discussions about poetry, you'll wish you'd listened to me!" James grabbed his books and stood, "Come on then, my fellow scallywags, to classes! What do we have?"

"Potions." said Peter, also standing up. James groaned.

"With the slimiest of houses. But we must persevere!" James turned to look at Sirius who was glaring moodily at the pot of strawberry jam. Sighing, James prodded his friend in the side of the head.

"Sirius? Oh, Siri-pants?" Sirius jerked his gaze upwards in horror.


"Yep!" said James triumphantly, "That is what I shall call you every time you go into a Moony sulk."

"If you do, I'll think up all sorts of horrific names to call you in front of Lily." said Sirius, finally following James to classes.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Is that a challenge?" The boys continued their usual banter and bickering all the way down to Potions, where Sirius grabbed the seat next to Remus and spent the rest of the lesson trying to think up new and inventive ways to brush against him. And so things returned to normal, for the time being.

The next day, Sirius was going to lunch in a much better mood. The night before, Remus had taken the cards out of his bag but they were still lying, unopened, where he had put them. Sirius had taken this to mean that Remus was not interested in any of the smart girls, which meant that the dreaded running-off-into-the-sunset was unlikely to happen and so Sirius could go back to enjoying his crush in peace.

He was doing just that at the moment, walking next to Remus and counting the number of times their elbows and hands bumped. Remus, of course, was oblivious, laughing away at James' antics on Sirius' other side. He had such a nice laugh.

"Um, Remus?" All the Marauders stopped to look at the trio of Ravenclaw girls who had suddenly appeared. Sirius felt his stomach clench.

"Yes?" asked Remus, looking confused. The leader of the girls smiled coyly while her two minions stood behind her watching intently.

"Well, um…I know we're not really friends or anything but Lily mentioned that you were really good at Charms and we've been having trouble with it lately so…we were wondering if you could help us a bit." Sirius noticed that all three girls wore their skirts way above their knees and had their top two shirt buttons undone.

Remus blinked and blushed and Ravenwhore Minion #1 giggled.

"Um…I'm…I'm really not that good. Lily's better than me."

"That's not what she said." The Chief Ravenwhore fluttered her eyelashes, "Please? It doesn't have to be much…and it would really help. We'd be very grateful." James' eyebrows shot up and he tried hard to hide his smile. Sirius shot him a murderous look as Remus stammered,

"U-um…okay, I-I…I guess I could." They beamed and the Chief chirruped,

"Great! How about tonight in the library at 8?"


"See you there!" Ravenwhore Minion #2 leant forward and said breathily,

"Bye, Remus…" before following her friends away down the corridor.

Sirius' good mood had completely evaporated. He glared at the girls' giggling backs.

"Oh Siri-pants?" James was rewarded with a vicious glare. Remus grinned, amused.

"Siri-pants? You're really strange sometimes, James."

"Oh yeah, he's a hoot." mumbled Sirius. Remus looked at him, grin fading.

"Are you okay, Pads?" Sirius rolled his eyes and retorted sarcastically,

"Oh yeah, I'm peachy thanks." James looked warningly at Sirius but it was too late. Hurt blossomed in Remus' amber eyes and he said softly,

"You don't seem peachy."

"Well I am. So leave it." Sirius said sharply, turning away, scowling. There was an extremely tense silence until Sirius finally snapped, "You know what, I'm not really hungry anymore. I'm going back to the dorm." He turned and stormed off towards the tower, leaving James to deal with Remus.

Remus looked at James for guidance on Sirius' seemingly random mood swing.

"What did I do?"

"It's not you, Moony. Sirius is upset about something else."

"Well he didn't have to take it out on me." muttered Remus, clearly still hurt. James sighed inwardly. Sirius really didn't make it easier for himself.

"I'll go talk to him. You guys go on to lunch." Remus nodded and started walking again.

"Come on, Pete." James set off determinedly for the tower. Time to smack a certain boy's head against the bedpost.

Sirius threw himself onto his bed and stared furiously at the ceiling.

"He said yes, James! He agreed to go and see those harpies!"

"That's because Remus is the king of obliviousness when it comes to romance. He had no idea they were flirting!"

"Flirting! They were practically giving him a lap dance! With their eyes!"

"I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, Padfoot."

"Well, that's not the point, anyway. He still said yes!" James sighed heavily and sat down on the bed.

"Sirius, stop being such a prat. Nothing's going to happen. Eventually they'll get frustrated by him not noticing or responding and they'll leave him alone. That's it."

"No they won't. I date sluts, remember? They'll just see it as a challenge and try even harder. Oh Merlin!" Sirius sat up, wide-eyed, "What if they rape him?" James resisted the urge to throttle.

"Sirius. They are not going to rape him. Can you even do that?" he wondered aloud. "I mean, if he's not willing, he won't be…y'know…"

"There are spells. James, we have to follow them!" James' mouth dropped open and he stared at his best friend, aghast.

"Follow them?"

"Yes, follow them! We have to make sure they don't take advantage of Remus!"

"Sirius, I understand that you have stalker tendencies when it comes to Moony, but this is a little extreme. And what's with this 'we' anyway? What makes you think I'm going to come along?"

"You have no choice. If you don't, I will simply use emotional blackmail until you crack." James groaned and flopped backwards, covering his face with his hands.

"Some best friend you are." he mumbled through his fingers. Sirius grinned wickedly.

"You can also help me think up pranks to play on them."

"Now that, I can do."

James wondered again why he always went along with Sirius' mad schemes, even when he knew they always led to humiliation or discomfort. In this case, it led to boredom. Intense, crippling boredom that wasn't even rivalled by History of Magic. Because really, there was only so much sitting in the library that James could take.

Sirius, on the other hand, was perfectly happy watching the study group across the room, glowering and occasionally hissing indignant comments that James was supposed to agree with.

"She's touching his wrist! How obvious does she want to be?"

"Look, James, their knees are brushing!"

"She's doing the boob thrust! I can't believe her! She's such a slut!"

Finally James couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and walked out before he killed something. He heard Sirius follow, demanding in a whisper,

"James, where are you going? James? James?" Once they were out of the library, James rounded on his friend.

"That's it, Sirius! I'm sick of sitting in the library, bored out of my skull, listening to you slag off those Ravenclaws-"

"Ravenwhores." James glared and Sirius, for once in his life, shut up.

"Sirius, I mean it. It's pathetic. And I know about pathetic. I've been chasing the same girl for nearly two and a half years." Sirius flushed and fidgeted under the bespectacled boy's stern glare. He'd never been on the receiving end of a serious James before. It was quite unnerving.

"So what am I supposed to do then?"

"Tell him."

"I can't." Sirius said immediately. "I don't even know if he likes guys so he could be disgusted or freaked out and not talk to me and then I wouldn't even have him as a friend."

"Oh for…Sirius, do you honestly think Moony wouldn't have noticed those boobs being pushed at him if he liked girls? Not even he's that oblivious." Sirius shook his head stubbornly.

"I can't tell him, James! I couldn't deal with Remus hating me like that! I can't tell him!"

"Can't tell me what, Sirius?" Both boys jumped violently. Remus was standing in the entrance to the library, with his three tag-a-longs standing behind him, watching avidly.

"Remus!" Sirius' voice sounded strained. "We, um…how much did you hear?"

"Just that there's something you don't want to tell me because you think I'll hate you." Remus took a step forward. "Which is probably a load of bollocks."


"If you don't tell him, I will." interrupted James. Sirius let out a squawk.


"I'm going back to the common room. If he doesn't know by then, I'll tell him." James didn't give Sirius a chance to reply, swinging round and striding off down the corridor.

Sirius was left feeling something that he very rarely did – nervous and a little bit panicky.

"Shit." Remus shifted his books in his arms and fixed Sirius with a look.


"Fine." Sirius said reluctantly. "But not here. And you three," he pointed at the three girls still standing behind Remus, "Piss off."


"Fine, fine. Go away."


"Go away please." Remus sighed and turned to the girls.

"I'm sorry but I need to go and talk with him privately. I hope I was able to help."

"That's quite alright, Remus. You were a great help." The Chief turned a disdainful eye on Sirius, "At least some boys have manners."

"Yeah, yeah." Sirius grabbed Remus' arm and dragged him off, ignoring the offended squeaks behind him. He headed for the nearest classroom and poked his head round the door. Seeing it was empty, he pulled Remus inside and closed the door.

"Sirius, what is all this about?" Taking a deep breath, Sirius turned to face the werewolf, noting absently that Remus had somehow managed to hold onto all of his books.

"Remus. There's…something you should know. It's…" Remus stayed silent, watching him. "Look, if you hate me after this, I'll understand."

"Sirius, I won't hate you." Remus said quietly. "You accepted my lycanthropy. It can't be as bad as that."

"Well, that's debatable." Remus frowned a little, but didn't speak. Sirius took another breath and gathered his courage.

"Remus…I like you." He closed his eyes, waiting for the yelling and freaking out. Instead he got a bemused voice saying,

"I like you too, Sirius. What's the problem?" Sirius opened his eyes. Of course. This was Remus Lupin, the boy who wouldn't know someone was professing their love if they leapt into his lap, completely naked and covered in chocolate sauce. This was the boy who would look annoyed and say 'You're getting chocolate sauce on my book.'. Now is not the time to be thinking of Remus and chocolate sauce. Focus!

"No, Remus. I like you differently." Remus just looked confused. Sirius tried again, "Not as a friend?"

"Well then, how do you like me?" Sirius sighed. Ah hell, why not?

"Like this." He took hold of Remus' head and yanked him forwards into a hard kiss. He vaguely registered Remus' little squeak and the books tumbling to the floor, but he wasn't really paying attention. If this didn't get the message through, he didn't know what would.

Drawing back, he let go of Remus' hair and dropped his hands. Remus was staring at him, totally stunned. There was an extremely awkward silence until Sirius muttered,

"Sorry." Remus blinked.

"You just kissed me."

"Um, yes. Yes I did."

"So you like me in a non-platonic sense."

"Uh, I fancy you, yeah." Remus just carried on staring at him. Sirius became more and more agitated until finally he couldn't stay silent anymore.

"I'm sorry, okay? I can't help it, and I knew I shouldn't have said anything, I told James, but he-"

"Shut up."

"Wha-?" Sirius didn't get to finish his sentence as Remus lunged forwards and kissed him back. Oh Merlin. Remus was kissing him!

Wrapping his arms around the other boy, Sirius pulled him closer, teasing his lips open and slipping his tongue inside. Remus made a little noise in his throat and wound one of his hands into the darker boy's hair, the other hand holding onto his shoulder.

When they eventually broke apart for air, Sirius leant forward and rested his forehead against Remus', so their noses were touching and their breath mingled.

"So does this mean you like me too?"

"Of course, you daft sod."

"Well, I had to check." Remus chuckled and pulled him into another kiss.

The next day, James was already beginning to regret his decision to force his two best friends together. They were sickening together. To an outsider, or a random student, nothing seemed any different. But to James, they were so bleeding obvious.

Sirius had taken to sending Remus looks that would have made a hardcore lesbian blush, but Remus, contrary to his shy and unassuming reputation, was sending them right back. It was like they were having sex with their eyes right in front of everyone, including James.

They also touched each other all the time. Sirius would run his fingers lightly along the back of Remus' neck when he passed him or grab his arm or hand and hold onto it for just a little bit too long. Remus just encouraged him with little smirks and glances from under lowered lashes. Under the table, their knees or feet seemed constantly attached, and once, Sirius put his hand somewhere that made Remus' eyes bug out and James look away hastily.

They were doing their eye-sex thing that night at dinner when the three girls who Remus had been helping came and sat next to them.

"Hi Remus!" The two boys were distracted from each other, and James watched with amusement as Sirius' face changed rapidly from eye-sex mode to stay-away-from-Remus mode. This should be interesting. The girls, of course, were focused totally on Remus, who just looked surprised.

"Uh…hi." One of them leaned a little closer to him.

"We really appreciated your help last night…would you be able to come again tonight?" James suddenly saw Remus' eyes widen and he glanced at Sirius, who was clearly angry. Ah, the penny drops.

"Um, well, that might be a problem." The girl pouted.

"Oh that's such a shame. What about tomorrow night?" She touched his wrist and smiled, "Anytime is good for us, really." Remus jerked his wrist away and the girl frowned.

"I really don't think that's a good idea. Um…I have loads of work and uh…I, uh…said I'd help Peter with his Defence essay." Peter looked up at the sound of his name.


"Your essay, Pete." Remus looked at him desperately, silently begging him to play along, "Remember? I said I'd help you?"

"Oh…oh yeah." Peter nodded, "My essay." Remus turned and flashed the girls an awkward smile.

"Sorry." The leader sniffed and stood up.

"Fine. We know where we're not wanted. Come on, girls." She flounced off, her two cronies trailing behind her. Remus turned to see Sirius scowling, Peter confused and James trying his best not to laugh.

"They were flirting with me!"

"Well done." Sirius muttered. Remus winced.

"Sorry, Pads. I didn't realise." Sirius shrugged. It was clear he was going to try and sulk as long as he could. James rolled his eyes.

"Snap out of it, Siri-pants!" Sirius looked up, affronted.

"That was not a sulk that allowed you to call me Siri-pants!"

"Tough. Those are going to be rare now, so I'm just going to call you it when you're sulking in general." Remus looked from one boy to the other.

"I'm not even going to ask."

"Hey, Remus?"

"Yeah, Pete?"

"Why did you say no to those girls? They weren't bad looking." Remus glanced at Sirius, whose mouth twitched.

"Well…they just weren't quite up to standard, that's all."

Ramble Time: Meh, the ending is crap, I know. But I'm leaving in about an hour to spend the weekend at this gathering thing where my dad, with us in tow, meets up with his two best friends and their families. It's fun, when the only kid my age decides to get his head out of his book. So this time, I'm armed with HPDH, which I shall read for the second time! Muahaha! Anyways I have to go pack. Toodles!

Thanks for reading! Love xxx