Disclaimer: I don't own anything Eva, except this story, which I wish I didn't own."Bad Fanfiction"
"Baka baka baka pervert hentai idiot baka!" Asuka yelled at Shinji.
"Asuka?" Shinji inquired, his eyebrows raised.
"Schiellin, aften maxcraw, baka!"
Shinji continued to gaze at his fellow pilot, who was making even less sense since she was'nt even speaking German, but rather a made up language that only kind of sounded like German. As if the situation wasn't weird enough, Misato walked in, only wearing a towel.
"Shinji!" Misato yelled, "I need to make a confession," she then paused to drink two full cases of beer that she pulled out of thin air. "I need to tell you that all my fantasies revolve around you, Shinji!"
"Come again?" Shinji asked, his face turning beet red.
"Not just yet, you dirty boy!" Misato laughed after drinking five boxes of sake, "though while I was in the shower, I took the shower head, set it on vibrate, and…"
"Third child idiot pervert hentai baka baka!" Asuka screamed, beating the tar out of our unfortunate protagonist.
While trying to fend of the frenzied attack, Shinji asked, "Misato, why is Asuka acting like this? And where are we?"
"Tha-uh, uh……………………….." Misato moaned, finally haven been defeated by the truckload of vodka bottles that lay strewn about the room.
"I can answer that." Said Pen-pen as he waddled in, "Asuka is incapable of making a single coherent sentence because we have all become part of a terribly written fan fiction in which the author thinks Asuka only knows a handful of words and can only demean you or…well, you'll find out later. He also believes that Misato is just a mere drunken pervert, and has ignored her true…" seeing Shinji and Asuka's puzzled faces, the warm water penguin issued a series of squawks and shuffled off.
Respecting the respite he received from Asuka's pummeling, Shinji looked around his surroundings and realized that due to the lack of details, he and his adopted family were in a complete void. That is, until a convenient plot device dropped them off at NERV, where Sachiel was attacking again, just because it allowed the author to do a messed up reimagining of Shinji.
"Shinji-kun!" Rei yelled as she flung her arms around the new and improved Shinji, who was now sporting a golden afro, just like the man who had raised him after Gendo had abandoned him, "I wanted to let you know that I love you and I will gladly become your sex slave because you occasionally talk to me and you picked some trash up in my apartment and everyone knows the best way to show someone you love them is to have sex with them as soon as possible!"
At this, every member of NERV turned around, gave a thumbs up, and shouted
"ABSTINENCE IS FOR LOSERS!"
"BAKA, PERVERT HENTAI IDIOT!!!" Asuka growled with tears in her eyes.
"Asuka said "But I want to be a sex slave too!"" Kaji translated, in a rare act of usefulness.
Shinji then pulled Asuka into a tight embrace and laughed saying, "Don't worry Asuka, I'm man enough for any and every woman on the planet!" He then paused while a wild uproar came from all the female techs, "Now I have to go save the world!"
Shinji then hopped on the catapult, without his eva, was launched into the air, and defeated Sachiel with one scream of "Super-fist of the nose hair!"
Asuka suddenly turned around and saw the giant egg that she had just laid.
"HOLY SHIT! THAT GIRL JUST LAID AN EGG!" said God, who was there because obviously the entire series was about religion…somehow…
Needless to say, Shinji averted Third impact, screwed every thing that moved, killed Gendo, and killed God…though nobody knows why, and…
Was assassinated by Pen-pen, who revealed him to actually be Gary-stu in a clever disguise.
Author's note: Yeah, this story contains most of the stuff that I don't like finding in eva-fics (yes, I know I'm guilty of a few of them). Lack of detail and bad grammar were on purpose. I mainly wrote this to let you all know I'm not dead…and I apologize if you didn't find it funny. I also do plan on updating "Rei-world" and "Speak with dead" soon.