I didn't mean to kill myself. I honestly didn't. Was my jump intentional? I don't know. Was my jump recreational? I don't know. I remember that I hardly thought at all. I didn't notice the roiling waves beneath me, only Edward's voice.
Don't. Please don't. Stop. Think. Don't Jump! Bella, think! Bella please, please don't jump. Please.
I smiled at the velvet voice in my head. Both there and not there. So close but yet so far.
Rain pelted my face but I ignored it, it wasn't such a big deal anyway. Jacob promised me he would take me cliff diving, so I am. I liked dangerous things lately. Every risky thing I did made Edward's voice in my head talk more. Consequently, each step brought more words from my angel. His upset, but still beautiful voice, was a balm for my soul. So I jumped.
Bella no! Bella!
Until the hungry waves swallowed me.
There was that whooshing feeling, where you dive down and down into the waves. So far down that you can't get back up again. My hands instinctively clawed at the water, trying to pull myself up on nothing. I sank up and then down, my limbs feeling like lead in the water. I couldn't move. That struggling feeling overcame me, that wild animalistic panic that compels you to pull someone down with you. But there was no one.
It was at that time a memory from my childhood came to me.
I was 5 years old and it was summer, and Renee had just had one of those "safety mom" urges. She got it into her head that we should go to the local pool to teach me how to swim. So she put me into the back seat and buckled me in.
When we got there, she took me over to the shallow end of the pool and eased me in. She then proceeded to teach me how to doggy paddle and stay afloat. I was quite proficient in doggy paddling.
Later, however I was walking along the edge of the deep side of the pool. I think maybe thats when my clumsiness first became apparent. I never saw what I slipped on, or if I even slipped on anything, but my feet lost purchase on the slick cement and I tumbled into the pool. I thrashed like I was doing at the moment, and heard a whoosh right next to me. I was pulled out of the deadly water by a weeping Renee, and she held me close.
"Bella! Bella! Oh Bella!" Was all she seemed able too say at the moment.
After my fall, we left, my mother not wanting a repeat of the accident. She later spoke to me in the car.
"Bella, if that ever happens again...doggy paddle like I showed you, and scream for help. Yell for me, and I'll come."
But she wasn't here now.I was too far down in the water to doggy paddle; my limbs too tired.
"Mom." I said, my words were muted by the water. River water rushed into my mouth, my throat. I had no control over it.
Suddenly things just simply stopped. My thrashing, my movement, my silent screams. And then nothing.
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