I Don't Like Your Girlham!


A/N: I just literally thought this story up! It's inspired basically by Avril's imfamous song "Girlfriend." I would've named it "Girlfriend," but that title's taken! coughcoughMoonshine101coughsorethroat! (It's okay! I still love you!) Here's "I Don't Like Your Girlham!" Dedicated to the (howdoIsaythisnicely?) Flora...not-likers...of the world. And I know who they are!


Summary: Stan, the Ham-Ham Flirt has finally found a girlham! But how will the Ham-Hams react? How will Sandy and Crystal take the news? And! Is this girl really as charming as she looks?

Chapter 1: Hey Hey, You You!

What started out as an ordinary day turned into probably one of those dramatic life-changing days.

That's what I thought when I met Stan's girlfriend.

My name is Crystal, and this is my story.


I looked out the window and saw Katrina to my right getting in her mom's car. They eventually backed away from the driveway and drove off. I then looked to my left. And groaned. "He's not here--AGAIN!" I said to myself as I hopped off the windowsill.

For those of you who are confused, lemme care to explain. My name is Crystal and I'm best friends with a guy named Stan. Every morning, we walk together to our hangout, the Ham Ham Clubhouse. We have alot of friends there. We go on adventures every day and have tons of fun hanging out. But sometimes, we get the wits scared out of us from some of the things we do. But hey, life is short! Why not live it?

But there's a sliiiiiiight problem. Hmm...how do I say this in a way you can all understand? ...Ah-ha!

Stan the Jackass has been ditching us!

He won't show up at my house to pick me up. He's rarely at the Clubhouse. And when he is in there, all he does is cling to his phone like grass stains on his fur and then leaves super-early. He won't return my calls. Or my text messages. Or my voicemails. Or the letter-in-the-bottles I've been constantly throwing at him(no, not to him, at him). Not to mention he hasn't been teasing the Ham-couples, or bugging the boys, or flirting with the girls, or starting a riot. And when he's not doing any of the above, then you know something's screwed loose in his head.

When I walked outside, my neighbor Bijou and my two guyfriends Hamtaro and Oxnard were waiting for me nearby. "Stan deedn't show up?" Bijou was french so she had a bit of an accent. It drove the boys crazy. "Again?" Hamtaro and Oxy were best buds and neighbors as well. They sometimes tended to speak in Twin, like Stan and his sister Sandy.

"Correct!" I sulked as we walked down the sidewalk. "I swear, this is starting to worry me. Do you think Stan is losing his memory?" I've been thinking up alot of explanations to Stan's wierd behavior. "That could explain why he's basically forgetting us!"

"Maybe. But then what explains his obsession with modern technology?" Hamtaro cocked an eyebrow. I shrugged. He had a point. "What if...what if he has a space?" Oxnard suggested. "A what?" I stared at him. "Well, the other day Kana was chatting with Laura on the computer box and she said she was on, and I quote, 'my space.' Do you think Stan might've gotten one of those spaces?" Oxnard explained.

"Interesting zhought." Bijou couldn't help but agree. "But do zhey even have one of zhose for hamsters?" Hamtaro shrugged. "Who knows! Maybe he disguised himself as a human! You know, humans'll believe anything we tell them on the computer cause they can't see us!" he said.

"True, but what if they were to catch him through their fancy webcams...?" I wondered. "A what?" Hamtaro asked. This convo went on for the whole walk.


By the time they reached the Clubhouse, Pashmina, and Howdy, Penelope and Dexter were all pacing around the entrance. "Hey guys!" Hamtaro's cheerful voice made them all jump. Pashmina took one look at Crystal and turned pale. "Crystal! Yo-Y-You're h-here?" she squeaked.

Crystal nodded slowly. "Aaaand why wouldn't I be?" she said. "I can think of one good reason!" Howdy mumbled to himself. "Huh?" Crystal and Bijou had heard it loud and clear though. Pashmina nudged him. "Shush!" Dexter hissed.

"Uhh, what's going on?" Oxnard asked. "Okyoo!" Penelope answered. "Are you sure nothing's going on?" Crystal looked at her sweetly. She as well as the others were always extra-gentle with the baby Ham-Ham. Penelope was about to answer when Cappy popped out from the tree entrance.

"Is she here ye--CRYSTAL!" Crystal smiled at him. "H-How're you d-d...okay bye!" Cappy quickly turned and ran for it. "Cappy?" Bijou called behind him. "Okay, you're all acting wierd again. What happened this time?" Crystal sighed. "..." Howdy and Dexter just looked at each other.

"Okay, something might've happened." Pashmina confessed. "Well, what's wrong?" Oxnard asked. "Oh no, not zee earthworms again!" Bijou shuddered. "Don't tell me the Clubhouse lights went out!" Hamtaro frowned.

"No. Worse." Pashmina shook her head.

"Oh God...Snoozer died!" Crystal gasped. "WHAT?! NOOOO!" Pashmina exclaimed and shook her head furiously, as if the thought was insane. "Well, what else could've gone wrong?" Crystal shrugged. "Maybe we can help!" Hamtaro suggested. "Right." Crystal, Oxnard and Bijou nodded in agreement.

"NO!" Pashmina, Howdy and Dexter screamed. It was too late. The group had already raced into the tunnels on all fours at top speed. "Dang-nabbit!" Howdy swore. "We should've told them the flood story." Dexter's ears drooped. Pashmina sighed and nodded in agreement.


Hamtaro entered first. "Hey guys!" he rushed in. "What's wrong?" Bijou looked worried as she followed Hamtaro. "We're here to help." Oxnard added. Crystal was last to enter. "Oh God!" Boss gasped when he saw Crystal. "Boss, what's the matter? Pashy and the boys outside looked freaked-out outside." the little brown-and-white hamster wondered.

Then Bijou took notice of the scene. Boss, Cappy, Panda, Maxwell and even Jingle were all crowded around the round table. They seemed to be hiding something. "Uhh...what are you all hiding?" she spoke up. "SHH!" the boys shushed her. "Yeah, what's the secret?" Hamtaro nodded.

They were all quiet, until Panda cleared his throat. "Crystal...do you remember how you left your phone at the Clubhouse last night?" he said. "Yeah?" Crystal nodded. "Well...this morning, we were all goofing off for a while, and it kinda...take a look for yourself."

The boys seperated and Crystal, Hamtaro, Bijou and Oxnard gaped at the scene. Crystal's hot-pink Ham-Ham cellphone was broken into a million pieces. Wires, chips and hot-pink cover pieces were everywhere. Bijou gasped. Hamtaro and Oxnard's jaw dropped. "Whoa..." Crystal's eyes widened.

"W-We know this looks bad, but Panda is working on it RIGHT now!" Boss quickly tried to reassure her. Crystal stared at her cellphone, speechless. "You guys, what happened?" Hamtaro asked, still slightly dazed. The four boys looked at each other. "Weeeellllll..."




Cappy went flying out of Panda's new Ham-Ham Extreme Stunts Mini Cannonball. He was wearing a black helmet and a huge smile on his face. He suddenly slammed onto the matted wall on the other side of the Clubhouse headfirst and slid down to the blue ham-sized pillow waiting for him on the floor.

"EXTREEEEEEEEEME!" Boss, Howdy and Panda laughed and high-fived each other. Jingle, who was in the corner playing his guitar, smiled at the boys and their silly game. They had invited him to join them, but he knew better than to risk his life on an experiment. Maxwell was reading nearby at the table. Dexter was at the cannonball controls.

"You guys, isn't that a little...dangerous?" Pashmina approached the boys from behind with Penelope by her side. She looked up worriedly at the cannonball. "Oh, no need to worry Pash. I made sure this thing is 100 percent safe." Panda patted her on the shoulder reassuringly. "By using Cappy as a guinea pig?!" Pashmina folded her arms across her chest. "He volunteered to be the guinea pig!" Panda defended himself.

"If it makes you feel better, I'll get on it now." Howdy shrugged innocently. This made Dexter's ears perk up. "You will?" Pashmina lit up. "Sure! I've been dyin' to get on that thing anyways!" Howdy smiled and nodded.

"Now wait just a darn--mpffmfmffmmm!" Dexter was completely cut off by Jingle, who stuffed a pillow in his mouth. "You two have made enough noise for one morning." he frowned, an angry vein pounding in his forehead.

"Okay!" Howdy said a few moments later. He was sitting happily on the cannonball entrance with the helmet strapped securely on his head. "Leddirip!" Dexter, who was glaring at Howdy's every move, smirked evilly. "Sure thing, pal!" Using the controls, Dexter pumped up the extreme level from 3 to 11 and shifted the target slightly to the left.


Before he knew it, Howdy went flying out of the cannonball.

"EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--!" he screamed. But before he could finish, Howdy had suddenly zipped past the wall and crashed into the hall closet nearby--and hard too.

"HOWDY!" the Ham-Hams cried. "Whoa!" Boss blurted out. "Ohmygod!" Pashmina gasped. Howdy landed on his back. His eyes were replaced with anime swirls. He groaned, numb with pain. Pashmina was the first to approach the closet door. "Howdy, are you alright?" she asked worriedly.

"I...cough...I-I think so." Howdy rose to his feet, and felt something poke his stomach. "Ow! But I think I landed on something." When he turned around, the Ham-Hams gasped. Howdy took off his helmet. "What?" When he looked down at his stomach, he gulped as he found Crystal's forgotten cellphone in a million pieces, sticking to his fur.

Everyone's jaws dropped to the floor. Crystal was very fond of her new phone. Seeing it clinging to Howdy's fur like that wouldn't exactly please a short-tempered person like her. "Oooooooooooh, you guys are in troubllllllllllllleeeee!" Cappy suddenly pointed at Howdy. "Okyoooooooooooh!" Penelope copied him.


"But it was all an accident!" Jingle finished. "And I swear, I'll pay your bills for the next three months--JUST DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEE!" Howdy, who had already entered the Clubhouse with Dexter, Pashmina and Penelope, pleaded as he got down on his knees and held Crystal by her waist. "But if you do, take it outside. We have children." Dexter smiled as he hugged Penelope.

"Guys, relax! It's okay." Crystal said as she tried to pull Howdy off of her. "PLEASE CRYS! I LOVE MAH' BACKGROUND AN' ALL, BUT I'M WILLING TO BEG--wait, what?" Howdy looked up at her. "Wait, what?!" Dexter exclaimed.

"Guys! It's okay! I mean, it was an accident. Panda can always just fix it. Just like how you guys dropped Boss' phone in the river while he was away that one time and Panda fixed up a new one before he got back." Crystal told them. "You did WHAT?!" Boss' eyes widened.

Everyone backed away. "Oops..." Crystal blushed.

Just then, the Clubhouse door opened again. The gang turned around. Stan walked in, a bright smile on his face. Crystal's eyes widened. "Stan!" she cried out. "Well, it's about time you got here. Where have you been, kid?!" Boss asked rather sternly. "So much for peace all week." Pashmina whispered to Bijou.

"Sorry for the long absence." Stan closed the door. "I hope I didn't cause that big of a depression." Stan then winked at Bijou and Pashmina, who frowned disapprovingly. "So ladies! How have you two been--"

Crystal stepped in between him and the girls protectively. "So Stan! Tell us! How have you been?" she said. "Uh-oh, I don't like that tone." Stan smirked. Crystal folded her arms across her chest. "You're mad, aren't ya'?" Stan guessed. "Ya' think?!" Crystal glared at him.

"Okay look. I know I haven't been in touch lately, but I have a very important reason on why!" Stan said. Hamtaro opened his mouth to respond. "And that would beeee...?" Crystal cut him off. Stan was ready to open his mouth too, when suddenly the door reopened.

"Stanny-kins! Can I come in now?" a pretty light-brown and white hamster with a white nurse-like hat on her head poked her head inside. Her big baby-blue eyes blinked innocently at Stan. She then noticed who else was in the room and smiled sweetly.

Stan froze and closed his eyes as if to say "I'm so busted!" Crystal rose an eyebrow at the girl. Stanny-kins? "Who's she?" Cappy asked out loud. "Cappy!" Pashmina scolded. "Guys..." Stan took a deep breath. He walked over to the girl and held her paw. He led her to the middle of the room. "...I...I-I'd like you to meet my girlham, Flora."

"Hi guys!" Flora waved politely at the infamous Ham-Ham gang her boyham had been talking about so much.

The Ham-Hams' jaws all dropped and hung there. Crystal's eyes were ready to pop out of her head. "G...G-Gir-G...G-Girlham?" she and the Ham-Hams all stuttered out. She felt numb at the sound of the word. Stan? Has a GIRLFRIEND?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! And how long ago was this?! I must know!

Because she was so distracted, she could barely recognize the hamster who walked in right afterwards.


A/N: Oh yeah, THIS should be fun! Don't forget to read and review, peoples! And Flora-haters, you know you want to! (giggles evilly) Sorry this was so short. But stay tuned for chapter 2! Thanks again!