A Smelly Assignment

Pure Crack by the ounce. Under the drunken influence of Demyx and Zexion, the other members are being gathered so that they can be assigned a personal smell. Cue crazy, waked up crack-ness to ensue. Implied Axel-Roxas. One-shot.

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is not mine…but I really wish it was.

Trying to get over the fact that the situation was extremely creepy, strange, and all around gay in the worst way, Axel say silently in the circle that Demyx had ordered all of them into. Zexion had then returned with a flustered Namine who had a deep blush on her face as she was forced to join the circle, sitting next to the Nympho…err, Nymph, of all people. Axel rolled his eyes, having a few guesses to that blush. She'd most likely been drawing two of the other members having sex again. The Chakram-User sighed quietly, 'That girl may look innocent on the outside, but the images she put down on that paper…'

"All right, everyone!" Demyx announced suddenly and quite loudly with a slur to his voice. Many noted how the Sitar Player also seemed to be wavering from side to side a bit more than usual. No officer, drunk is I'm not was right. "Now…do you know why we're all here? Sitting in a circle? You know…three hundred and seventy degrees?" the blonde inquired, his eyes losing focus occasionally as he spoke.

"Three hundred and sixty, dumbass…" Vexen spat under his breath.

"I heard that," Malurxia mumbled with a smug smirk and a tone equal to that of a tattle-tale, only to get an elbow jabbed into his ribs. "Ow!" he murmured, nursing his chest.

"You're not in the conversation, dumbass," Vexen snapped again, only to be shushed by Demyx, who nearly toppled over in his lack of balance.

"Anyway," Zexion began, giving XI and IV a murderous glare, "It's come to our attention, that we don't have a scent," Zexion declared quite seriously for being obviously drunk off his ass. Evidence of the previous statement being that he was practically hugging Demyx for support, and not even a drunkard would use Demyx to act as a support beam, drunk Sitar player or not. Also, VI had a strange and very creepily disturbing smile on his face that was serving to unnerve nearly everyone else in the circle, besides Demyx of course, who was counting sheep at the moment while drool slipped from the corner of his mouth.

"We can too smell! I can always smell the sweat in Xaldin's armpits after he goes to ballet practice!" Larxene all but screamed out in furry, slamming her hands on the white marble floor they sat on as though slamming them against a desktop, her cerulean eyes wide and her antennae sparking. And don't anyone tell me you haven't ever thought about this or considered the possibility.

While Xaldin gave her a look that seemed to say, "Oh, you didn't just go there, girlfriend!" and turned his nose up into the air while crossing his arms across his chest, Malurxia who sat next to the blonde woman eyed the static electricity buzzing in her antennae with unhidden interest, and slowly lifted his index finger up to touch the tip of one antennae as a sly grin crossed his lips, his hair slowly rising as though being given life, and becoming frizzy and a few shocks coursing through the pink strands.

Anyone watching the scene chose to ignore it and pretend it wasn't there, or chose to ignore it while still staring on with dumbfoudnment. The blonde woman merely twitched and eye and Namine who sat on the other side of the blonde watched with caution, slowly inching just a bit away…before bumping into Luxford and visibly trembling as she tried to find a distance safe enough form the woman, and far enough from the blonde gambler. Not to mention that she was already pretty shaken that Zexion had disturbed her while she was working on one of her sketches. She'd nearly messed up on Roxas' leg…

"We're not talking about body odor, Renale," Zexion said, his words finally slurring and providing a bit of relief to the other Organization XIII members now that they knew he really was drunk and not just a crazy nutcase.

"Did he just call me a kidney?" Larxene asked in most utter confusion as she pulled back to sit normally, or as normally as you could in cross-legged position while wearing a black leather coat, just like everyone else.

'Dear God, it's like Kindergarten all over again…' Axel groaned silently to himself.

"We're talking about the scent that just tends to linger with a normal person and how you can distinguish a person by smell. We don't have anything like that, so we decided we'd play pretend for the rest of forever!" Demyx explained, throwing his arms up in the air and nearly falling over, nearly pulling Zexion with him.

Of course, the reaction from the circle of Nobodies wasn't exactly as how Demyx had imagined it would be. In fact, it was nearly the exact opposite. While receiving dumbfounded looks from at least three members, including Axel and Roxas to make that five, he also got a curious expression from Namine, a "What the hell!?" from Larxene, a dark look from Xemnas (that was nothing new), a blank gaze from Malurxia, and finally, Vexen chose to stand up to announce his opinion on the matter.

"I'm going back to my room," he began, turning with just that intention, before he felt the bottom of a boot connect with the back of his head. Rather roughly and hard, too…I wonder how much it had to have hurt. Turning to look over his shoulder slowly, Vexen saw that Saix was glaring at him, and was now missing a shoe. His mouth opening as though about to make a protest, he shut it with a glare from the Scar-faced Nobody.

"Sit back down. No leaving the group behind," the man declared, scarily making it seem as though he was enjoying the drunkards' idea. Was he really? Now isn't that a scary thought…

"All right, now that we're all sitting again," the hydro-maniac began again, "We'll move onto the rules."

"Is this going to be some kind of game?" asked a slightly ticked Roxas, finally speaking up from between Axel and the creepy Saix.

"No!" Zexion snapped at the blonde, before pulling a top hat from thin air behind his back. How he did so, we will never know, but it's amusing to think of all the possibilities of how he could have done it…

"That's right! Zexy and I even came up with a fair system of who gets to pick whose scent!" Demyx exclaimed enthusiastically while gesturing to the hat that suddenly was filled with twelve folded slips of paper.

"I stole it from the Mad Hatter…" Zexion said with that creepily un-slurred tone when Lexaeus began to raise his hand, causing the Silent Hero to lower his hand once again. Zexion stared at him for a few more moments, his eyes slightly blurring and becoming crossed, before the dopey smile crossed his lips again and he held the hat high above his head like that baboon did in that live infantile sacrifice to the big lion in the sky he'd seen when snooping around in the Lion King World on his quest for carrots…African carrots, that is. "All of you, behold the power and might of the almighty HAT!" the intoxicated Nobody ordered, his voice cracking into a falsetto at some point.

"The rules are simple now," Demyx began as he took the hat from Zexion, who batted his eyelashes at the blonde afterwards, causing a few shivers to pass through the members faster than HIV through Nymphomaniacs. "I'll pass the hat around to everyone who in turn will take one slip of paper. You then get to choose a scent for whoever you get!" Demyx explained as though talking about rocket science and Play-Do at the same time. "Now, we'll start with XIII!" Demyx announced, walking in a VERY wobbly, un-straight line as he came closer to the Key of Destiny.

Reaching into the hat reluctantly, Roxas withdrew a slip of paper, and watched as Demyx moved onto the next Nobody who sat beside him, who just happened to be Saix. The process then continued, with the reaching into the dark hole and withdrawing a piece of white mystery. (Sheesh, how sick is the double meaning to that!? Never mind, I don't want to know…) Axel was the last to get his slip of paper, and it was the last one as well, and he held the paper in his hands, still folded, as though frightened of finding whose name was written within. But just as he was about to unfold it and look, he heard Zexion clear his throat none too subtly, and everyone's attention was on the Cloaked Schemer.

"All right Roxas, who have you chosen!?" the drunk asked in a mighty voice, cracking into a falsetto on 'have of all words.

"Uh…" Roxas looked back down at the paper, and reread the name over again. It was pretty hard to read, since the handwriting was sloppier than a First Grade student with a writing disability, but he thought he could make out the letters M A and L consecutively. "Malurxia…" he answered, his cobalt gaze rising suddenly to stare at the pink haired Nobody with an unreadable, yet obviously disliking and thoughtful. "Boiled broccoli," he answered, sticking his bottom lip out to the side just the tiniest bit in a type of, "I made my decision, go away and leave me alone now" pout.

While the Graceful Assassin sat perplexed and dumbfounded, every other member conversed with their sitting neighbor the scent, seeming to enjoy the idea. They all then turned towards Saix who sat beside the blonde boy, all with curious, expectant looks on their faces. Zexion asked the Luna Diviner who he'd chosen, and the scar-faced Nobody looked up and around the group with a seemingly frightened and cautious gaze.

"I got Superior…" he murmured, his gaze clouding over for a moment while nearly all the other Nobodies in the room (save for Zexion and Demyx) widened their gazes and dropped their jaws. But Xemnas seemed to be handling the situation pretty well, though when Saix cleared his throat and voiced his decision, everyone felt like running for their lives. "Mango Crème pie…" Saix answered, rubbing his stomach a little as it growled quietly. An unnatural silence fell around the room, and everyone turned to stare at Xemnas who suddenly reminded everyone of Sephiroth…creepy…

But what was creepier was the fact that Xemnas was doing nothing at all, except matching everyone's stare with a blank and expressionless gaze of his own.

"I like fruit…" he declared, suddenly breaking the silence and tension in the air, and also adding a new heaviness and tension to the air around the other Organization XIII members.

Xemnas consequently was next to reveal the name he'd chosen, and upon opening the slip of paper, he called out Luxford's name. He then announced one of the most horrifying scents anyone had ever come bare to witness…CHERRY JELL-O. Upon hearing his new scent, Luxford covered his face with his hands and proceeded to sob uncontrollably, muttering things like, "I didn't know you hated me this much!" As disturbing as it was, Xigbar, who sat beside Luxford, was patting his back in a consoling manner.

Before the scene could stand a higher chance of permanently scarring the Nobodies for life, Demyx moved onto the next member, III. Xaldin smirked as he read out the name on the paper, an evil look crossing his eyes as he stared across the circle towards Larxene, who had visibly paled. The static electricity that had been sparking through her antennae had disappeared awhile ago, possibly migrating to Malurxia's now frizz of a mop of hair.

"Burnt toast…" Xaldin stated with a vengeance, watching as Larxene cried out in horror and pain. But it was short lived when Lexaeus suddenly announced that it was his turn. Everyone shut the hell up and turned to face the "Silent Hero" who was sitting impatiently and seemed to be squirming in anticipation. Or he may have had to go to the bathroom and just wanted the whole thing over already.

"Vexen, the smell of old books when the glue from the spine is all dried and moldy…" the large man explained, causing the Nobody beside him (Vexen) to stutter out a What!? But of course, everyone was fine with this, and returned to their curiosity towards the next one to chose, which was also Vexen.

"Namine?" the long haired Nobody read out after having a bit of difficulty reading the handwriting on the paper slip. "Uh…" the man said, his gaze becoming thoughtful while everyone either stared at him or the White Witch who now cowered between Larxene and Luxford, who'd calmed down enough to watch the proceedings. "Well, she's a Witch, so smelling like some sort of potion would make sense…but then again…" he stated over, causing the tension to increase. Lexaeus sat, bouncing his knee quickly in a busy fashion, and a twitch in his eye. "Eh, why not vanilla?" the man mumbled as though to himself. Everyone, especially including a confused yet relieved Namine, stared at the Nobody who'd actually been quite merciless when choosing a scent.

"Get going already!" Lexaeus demanded through gritted teeth, bouncing both knees now. Everyone obeyed.

Malurxia then read of Xigbar's name, and then went on to announce the scent of…fresh dirt. "What!? It's a very clean, lovely, wholesome smell!" the Flower Fairy, I mean, Graceful Assassin, defended when Xaldin stared at him with a murderous glare. Nonetheless, it was Larxene's turn next, and she waited a moment in suspense before announced the name.

"Axel!" she declared proudly while holding up the paper for everyone to try and see. (The handwriting was really atrocious)

"What!?" a disturbed Roxas called out, before slapping his hands over his mouth and blushing three shades of red.

"Hell…" Axel mumbled while staring in eye-twitch worthy hate towards the woman.

"Hehehehe…" Larxene cackled, antennae buzzing. "You shall smell like CINNAMON!" Larxene declared with evilness only women could hold and control to their bidding as though it were nothing.

"Damn it all to hell!" Axel shouted out in frustration. "Do you know how cliché that is!? It seems anyone with a bad-boy personality gets cinnamon! Especially when they've got red hair! Sweet Jesus, why cinnamon!?" Axel ranted before Larxene silenced him by tossing a kunai in between his crossed legs, the blade just half an inch away from his pants where his complete manliness rested. It's safe to say that his cloak had been unzipped up to his waist so that he could sit naturally in cross-legged position.

"Not my problem and not even my idea…" Larxene said with a cackle, adding the last part as her gaze fell across both Namine and Roxas, who both gave her wide-eyed looks. Hm…makes you wonder which one of them told her to do it? Or how they could have known she'd get Axel's name of all people anyway. "Well, it's Namine's turn, now," Larxene said, leaning over towards the girl and slinging an arm around her shoulders. "So, who'd you get?" the woman asked in a venomously sweet tone, causing the girl to want to click her heels together and say, "There's no place like home," but this was a Disney world so she couldn't do anything.

"Saix…" the girl mumbled quietly, just barely loud enough for everyone to hear her. "Um…Laundry detergent?" she said, knowing the smell wasn't something terrible, and that most people really liked the smell. Though Saix didn't say anything, only glared at the blonde Witch with a hardened gaze. Jeez, that guy was a prick.

Luxford went fairly quickly through his announcement, mainly because he was talking quite fast and didn't exactly want to be nice to Xaldin. His words went something like this: "Xaldin, peanut butter and jelly sandwich with marshmallow. All right, Xigbar's turn!"

The Freeshooter himself was also quite quick with his declaration, and announced that Lexaeus would now smell like roasted chicken. Yes, he did get many "What the hell?" and "The hell…" Of course, Lexaeus didn't seem to mind, and instead turned to the last member of the Organization who had yet to announce the name he'd picked, and then shaking form of the only member who hadn't been given a scent yet. Axel grinned sadistically down at Roxas, his fingers tapping his chin in thought.

"Hm…I wonder…" he began, enjoying how Roxas seemed to be watching him with the tendency to twitch his left eye at the same time his right ring finger twitched. The red haired Nobody sighed and looked up at the ceiling that you couldn't really ever see the end of, and thought for a few more moments, making all the other Nobodies lean in closer with anticipation. "What would the right scent for Roxas be?" Axel asked aloud, enjoying the attention focused on him and Roxas as the blonde squirmed.

Xemnas hadn't leaned forward, but had cast and interested gaze over towards the two, Lexaeus had forgotten his anxiousness, Demyx had been watching all along, and Zexion was watching out of the corner of his eye as his hand occupied itself with rubbing the leather clad ass of the musician beside him (he's been doing this the whole time, and no one's said anything…) But after a few more moments, Axel decided to finish the game.

"Wisteria," he declared, staring directly down into Roxas' deep blue eyes. Axel smirked upon seeing the blush on the boy's cheeks, and a thought passed through his head that was actually quite interesting. Roxas knew what the flower was.

"All right! Now we've all got a scent!" Demyx said in a sing-song voice as Zexion made the hat disappear again. Did he have some sort of black hole in his hand or something?

"And I've gotta go," Lexaeus declared, meaning both meanings of the word. No one got in his way as he left the hall, and everyone slowly began to leave, conversing with each other or themselves over their scent. That is, until Larxene suddenly turned around with anger and pointed an accusing finger towards Demyx and Zexion.

"What about you two!? You never got picked from the hat!" the woman said, also causing the other Nobodies, save for the Silent Hero, to stop in their tracks and turn towards the Musician and Schemer.

"That's because we already picked each other's scent!" Zexion giggled, his words slurred. "Demy said I will smell like roses!" he exclaimed, causing each of the other Nobodies to feel as though a cold wind had just blown their brains out. Zexion giggled…and smelled like roses…And had called Demyx Demy…

"And Zexy said I'll smell like raspberries!" Demyx exclaimed with his own giggle, the both of them embracing each other in the most horrific display of obvious and drunken affection, before slipping over their own feet and falling to the marble floors, bumping their heads and passing out immediately. Much to the other Organization members' relief.

"I'll be having nightmares for the rest of the week…" Larxene mumbled, a few others chorusing their agreement, and then everyone resumed leaving the room. Though Namine approached Roxas with a sly look on her face, as she walked beside him with their shoulders touching, saying something about needing him to model for one of her drawings because she couldn't get something right…But Malurxia and Axel were the last to leave.

Just before they left the room, Malurxia stepped in front of Axel and put his hands on his hips. His gaze was level with the other man's, and he also seemed to look pretty determined. Axel lifted an eyebrow in curiosity and boredom, and narrowed his eyes as though to tell the Flower Fairy, err…you know what, I'm not even going to correct myself, to say his piece.

"All right VIII, how do you know what Wisteria is, anyway?" the pinkette demanded, suddenly looking very womanly with his hands on his hips, the expectant pout on his lips, and the way he'd just spoke screamed feminine.

"Truthfully?" Axel asked, as though looking embarrassed and guilty that someone had caught him. Malurxia nodded, and Axel sighed as though in defeat. "Well, I found it in your garden and caught its scent just before I began burning all those damn flowers," the red head admitted.

Malurxia looked smug with a victorious grin on his lips after hearing Axel's confession, but then his eyes bugged and he felt his heart skip a beat. "You set fire to my babies!?" he screamed, just before taking off down one of the many halls of Castle Oblivion. Axel chuckled and began walking in another direction. Namine had asked that he show up in her room later because she needed a model for something she couldn't draw just right.

It was also while Malurxia was running through the halls that he realized that Axel hadn't told him which garden he'd set on fire. But then he stopped in his tracks, and a sly smile crossed his lips. He'd never planted Wisteria seeds in any of his gardens.

I liked writing this. It was nice to write some pointless humor, and I hope you all like it enough to review! And I also gotta say that I like the ending, I found it cute. Oh, and Renale isn't really a word for kidney, Renal is. I just added the E to the end so that it would match Larxene's name and make it amusing.