Author's note: Pure crackfic. Enjoy!

The Code by ACM a.k.a. Annie May

It had been, what, probably two weeks by Earth time, when the Doctor heard that strange musical tone. Ah, Martha's phone. He opened the small device and pressed it to his ear.


"Doctor, I've got it! I finally worked it out!"

"Sorry, what?"

"The code," replied Martha, a little impatiently. "I've worked out the code from the Professor's computer screen, just like you asked!"

Suddenly the Doctor remembered. While they had discovered that YANA was an acronym for "You are not alone," they'd had yet to determine the meaning of the other word seen on the monitor, "ATILLO."

"Ah yeah. I'll be right there," said the Doctor, changing some settings and pulling the lever to move the TARDIS.

Soon he came to a stop and opened the door to reveal Martha's family home, with Martha standing in front of it. With great agitation, she ran up to him and thrust a paper into his hands. Frowning, the Doctor took it and stared at it for a moment, before asking, "Lolita?"

"Yes, Lolita! ATILLO is an anagram of LOLITA!"

The Doctor pondered this for a moment.

"Lolita, a novel by Vladimir Nabokov…"

Martha shook her head.

"No, no, no, Doctor. I don't think that's what we're dealing with."

The Doctor looked confused.

"Argh, never mind! We don't have time to waste on this. Who knows what sort of traps may have been set by the Master before he died? We had better go share this information with Jack. Maybe he can help us!"

The Doctor looked highly skeptical, but allowed himself to be pulled back into the TARDIS. Moments later they stood in front of the secret entrance to the Torchwood Cardiff base.

"Come on!" Martha yelled insistently and dragged him with her up to the door of the base. Slowly it swung forward to reveal…

"JACK?" Martha cried out, while the Doctor just stood with his mouth hanging open. In all of his travels throughout the Universe he had never seen anything quite so strange, so repulsive, so horrifying…

Captain Jack Harkness stood before them, dressed not in his typical period military, but rather in a knee-length black dress with an enormously flared skirt with layers and layers of petticoats, a white pinafore, striped white stockings with bows at the knees, black platform Mary Janes and a white maid's cap atop his meticulously gelled hair. He looked mildly embarrassed and spoke in a sheepish voice.

"Oh, hello, Doctor, Martha…Er, won't you sit down?"

The Doctor turned to Martha, who was looking at him and nodding.

"This…is Lolita?"

"Yes Doctor, Elegant Gothic Lolita, a clothing style originating in Japan…"

Martha's voice became faint. She had no idea what to say. Was this the Master's doing?

Taking a seat, the Doctor turned to Jack.

"So, Jack…What's brought about this new style? Bit of a far cry from the old coats and such, isn't it?"

Jack blushed again, then smiled broadly.

"Actually, I found these on the ship before we left…Apparently the Master had quite a stash."

Martha was surprised at this.

"You thought to search through his clothes?"

"Sure I did! The man has style. It's written all over him…and under him…"

Martha and the Doctor looked at each other, their eyes wide.

"Jack…" the Doctor began, "What else haven't you been telling us?"

Jack looked back over his left shoulder, away from the Doctor, as he tried to decide how to reply. No reply was needed, however, as from the general direction of Jack's quarters, there came the sound of softly drumming fingers.

The End!