This is my first Twilight fic, so be nice... It's my version of Edward after he left Bella in New Moon. When they get back together, he talks about how he couldn't even think of trying to go on as normal, so I thought it would be interesting to know just how he did fare. Please don't forget to review!

The lyrics are by LINKIN PARK "Valentine's Day" and Twilight & New Moon are the creations of the amazing Stephenie Meyer (she's my hero!!)


Valentines Day

The moment I reached the forest surrounding our home, I crumpled to my knees. I couldn't stand it any longer – I had done the unthinkable, the inexcusable. It was bad enough that my very presence put her in constant danger, but to willfully lie to her – hurt her – that was unforgivable. My mind replayed the words over and over again, her expression of devastated acceptance was like a knife in my stomach, and the most excruciating pain ripped through my torso, tearing away the mangled remains of my dead heart.

You… don't… want me?

I doubled over, unused to the sensation - physical pain comparable to my transformation. But in many ways so much worse.

I pressed my face into the mud and screamed – one long, inhuman and unbroken shriek. I don't know how long I let that pained cry last, I was too senseless with agony to pay any mind, but it was dark when I came to my self again. My breath came in ragged gasps and I was curled around my knees in the mud, numbing rain pounding my insensible body.

And my cold reply resonated, condemning, in my ears.

No…

My insides all turned to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night

The cacophony of strident voices in my mind was almost restful – anything to distract me from my guilt. I paused in my searching and let another wave of pain take control. If I was not a masochistic monster before the long but few months of separation from Bella, then I most certainly was now; I got a sick kind of pleasure in the - shamefully frequent - moments that I surrendered myself to my perfect recall of the sound of her voice, the texture of her lips against mine… the scent of her blood blooming around her like a halo…

Focus.

Could I do nothing right by her? I owed it to her to make sure that she was safe; that was why I was in this place, away from my family. Well, it wasn't the only reason – I could no longer deal with the constant reminders of Bella and, no matter how hard my family tried, her face continued to surface in their thoughts, and each time made me feel like I was falling to pieces, shards of glass shredding each of my perfectly honed muscles from bone.

I reminded myself, again, that she was better off without me – the cost of eternal anguish was minute if it resulted in her happiness. The voices battered against the inside of my cranium and I closed my eyes, begging for thoughtless oblivion. And above it all, ever present, that moment continued to repeat –

You're not good for me, Bella…


And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
I used to be my own protection, but not now
'Cause my path had lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night

I was a failure. No other word could possibly exist to describe the despicable state I found myself in. I stared out of the miniscule and besmirched excuse for a window, noting no more than the depressing broiling of ebony clouds hanging low in the sky. I should go back.

This was getting ridiculous – I hadn't seen my family in three months, in fact I wasn't even entirely sure where I was but I did know one thing.

I was a failure.

Not to mention an absolute wreck. It wouldn't be hard, I reasoned with myself, she would understand – welcome me back with open arms no doubt... but what if…

And that got me every time – and brought my argument around to a complete circle. What if she didn't want me now? What if, by some nightmarish chance, she had moved on… exactly as I had intended? I found it hard enough to live, or whatever it was I did, through each and every day with my self-imposed incarceration away from Bella. But, what if I were to return and find her utterly unconcerned by my absence…

There was absolutely no situation that would make it acceptable for me to return and ruin her life any further. Not after what I'd done.

It will be as if I never existed…


And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

Damn whoever said that love was bliss to the very depths of the fiery hell I am destined for!

I rolled onto my side with a bang of my fist and a growl. The semi-rotten wood beneath me splintered, my thoughtless blow leaving a fist-shaped hole, but I was beyond the point of caring. It was a fortnight since I had seen any sign of Victoria's whereabouts, so not only was I deranged by the pain of not being with Bella but I was also seething with anger at my own weakness.

In an effort to distract myself, I jumped up from the floor and stomped to a hole in the wall – it was supposed to be a window. The wet street outside was decorated with pathetically dilapidated pink, red and white streamers and balloons. And, even though it was still raining, a procession of happy couples followed a band and brightly dressed dancers in a parade. The looks of pure delight on the faces of the couples brought the weight of what I had lost crashing down onto my shoulders again.

Bella… her very name sent my body into fits of agony. My fingers burned with the memory of her skin – so warm – under them, the ghosts of her fingers carved my face to shreds and her soft lips against mine… venom flowed in my mouth and down my throat, scalding. And then it played in my mind again, the last time I would see her for all eternity.

You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind…


So now you're gone, and I was wrong
I never knew what it was like, to be alone

Of course she was happy now, she must be happy. I knew that my sudden departure would have hurt her at the onset; though her pain could never compare to my own – nothing could possibly be worse than my commitment to unending torture – but time would dull her pain… make her forget… let her move on.

Not for me. She would stay as clear in my memory as the first day I met her. I found myself on the floor again as I thought about what we might have been doing together on this day, had I been there, had I been good enough to stay with her, had I been… human.

We could have gone to the meadow, or maybe gone out for dinner and a movie if she wanted. I remembered that I'd spent the last February 14th avoiding her like the plague. That seemed so long ago now but even then, even then I'd known that I was falling for her.

I curled into a tighter ball, as memory after memory relentlessly assaulted my mind. I pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes tight shut against the siege, but in vain.

I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted…

On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(I used to be my own protection, but not now)
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(Cause my mind has lost direction, somehow)
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(I used to be my own protection, but not now)
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(Cause my mind has lost direction, somehow)

The faint music from the dark street was like needles in my mind and my heart – though it hadn't beat in near a hundred years, it was as if my heart was no longer there. A hole had formed in my chest. I had tried to deny its presence, but as it throbbed now I knew that I would never have it back again without my Bella.

I wished now, more than ever, that I could simply slip into that beautiful oblivion – sleep… or even death. Rolling onto my back, I willed for my mind to go vacant, for the memories to stop, for it all to be alright again. But that evening would not leave me alone… and my final words sealing my doom echoed in the empty confines of my mind.

Goodbye, Bella… Take care of yourself.