Disclaimer: I don't own Mario, but neither do you! Bwa ha ha!
Author's Note: This is a sequel to my earlier story Mario's Diary. I wasn't originally planning on making one, but spongebobrocker put the idea in my head, and I eventually came up with this story. R&R please!
All was quiet in the Mario house. Until the back door was blown from its hinges, a huge hole was blasted around its frame with a resonating 'Boom!'
Two figures stumbled into the house, coughing because of the clouds of dust.
"Your Explosiveness, that was not a good idea," choked the smaller figure.
"It's not my fault these stupid Mushroomians build their doors so small," grumbled the larger figure.
As the dust settled the two intruders made their way further into the house, the smaller one keeping up her badgering. "What if the neighbours heard us?"
"From way up at Peach's party? No way. We made sure this week's rabble-rocking was the worst in months – Peach invited everyone to celebrate her liberation."
"True, true, Your Cleverness," grinned the old Magikoopa, poking around in some drawers she had come across in the hallway.
"Yes, well, I am a genius," boasted the Dragon-Koopa, holding his head high.
"That you are, Bowser, that you are," said the Koopa King's advisor.
"Do I detect a hint of sarcasm, Kammy? 'Cause you know what I do to people who use sarcasm against me… except Wendy," added Bowser.
Kammy sighed, Bowser spoiled his daughter WAY too much, but she wasn't going to say anything about it.
"So…" said Bowser, shoving his way through another doorframe and staring about the Mario Bros.'s living room with a look of great distaste. "What are we doing in this rat-trap, again?"
"I told you, we need to check Mario's calendar to see when he's doing everything. Then we will know his every move, and then we can catch him off guard!" explained Kammy patiently.
"Oh right, I remember now!" grinned Bowser, looking around the room. "But I don't see any calendars…"
"Nor do I," huffed Kammy, opening every shelf she could find, moving from the hallway to the kitchen.
"Ah well, we could always burn down their house instead," shrugged Bowser. "Come to think of it, why didn't we do both? Find the calendar, and then burn down their house!"
"But then they'd be too busy dealing with the fact that their house is burnt down to do whatever they had planned," said Kammy, straining to open a cupboard over the sink.
"Says who? They knock down my castles all the time and I still keep all my dates," said Bowser indignantly. "Besides, if they'd let their entire lives get upset because of a little thing like their house burning down, odds are they're gonna get all messed up over all these holes in the doorways."
"You mean the ones you're making," growled Kammy, taking out her wand and magically unlocking the cupboard. "I told you to wait outside, I told you it was a bad idea too- ahhhh!"
"What is it? What's going on?" demanded Bowser, bursting straight through a wall into the kitchen. Opposite him was an open cupboard, below which was a massive pile of canned Ravioli. "Kammy!" called Bowser. "Where are you? Ya old hag!"
"Under here!" came the Magikoopa's muffled voice from beneath the pile of cans. She moved around and eventually poked her head up out the mess. "We should be careful opening cupboards from now on," she growled.
"Whatever," shrugged Bowser, ripping another cupboard from its hinges and sending a cascade of massive tomato sauce cans spilling down his front. A couple cans hit his foot. "Yow! Ow my poor tootsie! Ow!" shrieked Bowser, hopping around and holding his reddening foot in his claws. Until he caught sight of Kammy smirking at him. "Uh… I mean, that didn't hurt at all," he finished, planting his foot firmly on the ground and trying to hide his watering eyes.
"Why won't you lust listen to me for once?" sighed Kammy, shaking her head.
"Because I'm the King of the Koopas! I listen to no one!" stated Bowser, storming out of the room and wrecking another doorframe as he went.
Kammy muttered to herself irritably and kept searching the kitchen, using her magic to open the cupboard from safely across the room.
She was just finishing up when Bowser called to her. "Hey, Kammy?"
"I think I found something!"
"A calendar?" said Kammy, eagerly, rushing over to the next room. "Does it look like a big chart with all the days of the month on it and a big picture on the top, and-"
"I know what a calendar looks like, jeez," snorted Bowser. "Besides, I found something better!" he grinned, waving a small cell-phone like thing in the air for Kammy to see as she entered the room.
"What is it?" asked the Magikoopa skeptically, squinting at the tiny object in the dark.
"It's a PDA!" announced Bowser.
"A PDA, you old fogie!" scoffed Bowser. "They're all the rage with kids these days! Iggy loves taking them apart, and Wendy insisted on getting one of every colour, and-"
"Yes yes, but what exactly is it? What does it do? What does PDA even stand for?" grumbled Kammy.
"Oh that's easy, PDA stands for Personal, uh, Dating… thingy…" Bowser frowned – he had been so confident going into that assertion.
"Isn't that PDT? Or PUDT if you include the 'uh'," chuckled Kammy.
"Shut up!" growled Bowser, flaming Kammy. "Okay, so I don't know what PDT, er, PTA, I mean, PDA, yes, PDA, that's right – but who cares if I don't know what it stands for? The point is, I know what it does."
"Something useful, I hope," growled Kammy. Having been blackened by Bowser's fireballs yet again, she was in no mood for joking around with videogames.
"Yep," grinned Bowser. "Useful for us too, since this thing is a calendar, date book, address book, bank-checker-thing, and a million other gadgets too! With this, we have access to everything Mario does!"
"Oh, that's great," said Kammy, brightening up considerably. "Let's turn it on."
"What, here? Shouldn't we take it back to Koopa Castle and take our time? What if Mario and Green Guy show up while we're busy?"
"They won't," said Kammy. "Besides, we can't take Mario's electro-thingy because if we do, he won't be able to do what he's said he'll do on it!"
"Exactly!" sneered Bowser sinisterly. "Mario won't know what to do with himself. He won't know where to go or who to meet. He'll be lost without his PDA! Bwa ha ha ha! And… think of how much more messed up he'll be if we burn down his house too!"
"We are not burning down this house," said Kammy firmly.
"Awww, you're no fun," pouted Bowser.
"I get that a lot," said Kammy nonchalantly. "Now, turn on that darned gizmo so we can get outta here. I'll write down all the important stuff." As she spoke, Kammy conjured up a piece of paper and a pen with her wand, setting them down on the table in front of her. Bowser on the other hand, wasn't having nearly as much success. "Is there a problem, Your Laggingness?"
"The stupid buttons are too small for my fingers," muttered Bowser darkly, fiddling with the tiny PDA.
"Great," moaned Kammy. "All right, let me try."
"You?" gasped Bowser, staring at his Chief Advisor's outstretched hand. "But you can't even say its name properly!"
"So?" shrugged Kammy. "Its not like we have any other options here. Now give it to me, Your Uncooperativeness."
"Fine," grumbled Bowser, handing Kammy the PDA.
She held in her wizened old claws and peered at the tiny buttons beneath the computer screen. Squinting in the dark, she couldn't make out a single letter. "Uh, could you please turn on a light, Bowser?"
"Urgh, fine," growled Bowser, rolling his eyes and stomping over to the light switch in the wall, making the chandelier sway with each of his heavy footfalls. "But remember, I'm only doing stuff you tell me to do because Mario could be back any second. One word of this to anyone, and I'll flame you so hard, even your bones'll be charred."
"Of course, Your Violentness," sighed Kammy, quite used to this sort of idle death threat after working with Bowser for so long.
The Koopa King gave another irritated growl and flicked the switch. The light didn't turn on. "What the? Stupid electrically-challenged plumber's house! We'd be doing Mario a favor by burning it down!"
"I think the lightbulb's just burnt out," said Kammy, looking up at the one-light chandelier, "I might be able to fix it with a spell-"
A crunching noise to her left silenced Kammy, as did the yelp of pain that soon followed. She whipped around to see the light switched pulled out of the wall, its broken wires still sparking, and Bowser sucking his finger, which seemed to have been electrocuted.
"What did you do that for?" asked Kammy incredulously.
"I wanted to see if the house had power," said Bowser sheepishly. Catching sight of Kammy's face he hastily tried to justify his actions. "If we're having a blackout, people might run home from the party faster."
Kammy rolled her eyes, fortunately they were hidden behind her glasses and Bowser couldn't see the action – if he had, Kammy'd be toast. Literally. Instead of saying something condescending, Kammy just sighed and used her magic to enlarge the PDA, making the tiny keypad as big as a human computer keyboard. "Ah, that's better, now I can actually see what I'm doing."
"Wait, you could make the PDA bigger all along?" gasped Bowser.
"Of course," said Kammy.
"Then why didn't you do that in the first place?" growled Bowser; shoving Kammy out of the way and taking back the PDA, which was now big enough for him to use himself. "And you call yourself smart, you old bat, so much for your elderly wisdom," muttered Bowser as he turned on the PDA.
The harsh blue of the screen filled the room, but Bowser didn't care as he flicked through the files. "Okay, here we go, it's divided up by hours for each day. So for fun, let's start with tomorrow."
"Okay," said Kammy eagerly, snatching up her pen and paper and jumping up behind Bowser to read over his shoulder. He punched a couple more buttons and the first hour came up:
10:00 – Time to eat some-a-pasta.
Bowser and Kammy stared at it.
"Why does he write with an accent?" asked Kammy, puzzled.
"Because he's Mario," said Bowser. "Need I say more?"
Kammy shrugged. "Still…"
"Doncha think pasta's a little strange to be eating for breakfast?" interjected the Koopa King.
"Maybe it's brunch?"
"But it's the first entry."
"Well, if you sleep in really late, some people just have one meal instead of two," said Kammy.
"Fat chance," scoffed Bowser. "And by fat, I mean literally fat. That porky plumber never gives up an opportunity to eat… aha, see?"
Bowser had just flipped down to the next entry:
11:00 – Time to eat some-a-pasta.
"That's his brunch," said Bowser. "So ten o'clock's breakfast."
"I guess…" said Kammy as Bowser flipped to the next hour.
12:00 – Time to eat some-a-pasta.
"And that's lunch," continued Bowser.
"More pasta?" said Kammy. "What about all that ravioli? When's he gonna eat that?"
"Ravioli is pasta, you idiot," sneered Bowser. "It's one of Mario's favorites too. All throughout that adventure to stop Bleck, it was 'ravioli this' and 'ravioli that' 'ravioli, ravioli, ravioli!' I was actually glad when he started telling us about the joys of lasagna and linguini and whatever. Just anything but ravioli…"
Kammy said nothing as Bowser flipped down to the next entry.
1:00 – Time to eat some MORE-a-pasta.
"And people wonder why I hate him." said Bowser.
"At least he admitted he has a problem," said Kammy, referring to the 'MORE' part.
"Yeah, well that doesn't last," growled Bowser, flipping down to the next line.
2:00 – Time to eat some-a-pasta.
"Gah, does it say that every time?" moaned Kammy, throwing down her pen in frustration.
"Looks like it," sighed Bowser. "Three o'clock, yep; four, yep; five yep; six… hey! Six is different!"
"Finally!" breathed Kammy, reaching down to pick up her pen. "What does it say?"
"Heh-hmm," said Bowser clearing his throat and putting on an imitation of Mario's voice. "'Six o'clock, Time to-a-go to the library-'"
Bowser paused and scrolled down to see the rest of the sentence.
"Yes? Yes?" said Kammy, scribbling down the Koopa King's last words.
"'and eat some-a-pasta'," finished Bowser, his mouth twisted in an ironic grin.
"What? That can't be true!" said Kammy, leaning forwards and looking at the screen herself:
6:00 – Time to go-a-to the library
and eat some-a-pasta.
"I can't believe this!" wailed Kammy.
"I can," chuckled Bowser, flicking through more of the PDA. None of the entries were pasta-free – not even the golfing trips with Peach or the kart races. Mario was obviously planing to take pasta-breaks every few hours on his outings.
"But I mean, in the library? Who eats in libraries? If someone brought so much as a Dried Shroom into our castle library I'd have them thrown out on their tails! But to read books and eat sloppy, horrible pasta at the same time? He'd ruin them! How could they let him do that? That idiot!"
"Well, you know how hard it is to try and kick Mario outta anywhere. Especially if there's pasta on the line," said Bowser.
"Yes, but still! How can such a blithering fool defeat us? How can Peach stand him? He's so…" Bowser watched in amusement as Kammy continued on ranting. But eventually he finished scrolling through the next few months of Mario's pasta-filled life, and felt it was time to call it a night.
"Okay, so I've found some stuff in here, he's got a dentist appointment next Wednesday-"
"Probably a cavity from eating too much pasta!" hissed Kammy.
"Yeah, well whatever the reason, aren't you going to write that down?" asked Bowser, waving an arm at Kammy's abandoned pen and paper. "Isn't that the whole point of coming here?"
"Hah, like we can actually take that, that electronic menu seriously!" scoffed Kammy, pointing an accusing finger at the PDA.
"No 'buts'!" shrieked Kammy, using her wand to set the paper (and the pen) alight.
Bowser stared hungrily at the flames. "So we're gonna burn down the house after all?"
"NO!" bellowed Kammy. "Just smash that awful thing and let's go!"
Bowser sighed and threw the PDA to the ground, putting his foot through the screen and feeling the glass shatter beneath his weight. "Hah hah, take that Mario! Now all your teeth will rot and you won't know about it until it's too late! Gwa ha ha ha haaa!"
"Come on," urged Kammy from the back door. "I think the party's breaking up at the castle, people are starting to leave."
"Okay, I'm coming," sighed Bowser, starting to leave the room.
"And put that fire out as you're going," ordered Kammy.
"Aww man," whined Bowser, hoping Kammy would've forgotten that she had set Mario's table aflame with her paper-destroying spell. He stomped out the fire (flattening the table in the process) and slouched off through Mario's house, making sure to smash as many of the walls and furniture as he could on his way out. He wasn't exactly sure why he was listening to Kammy, but seeing her go off the deep end and ramble on about the evils of Mario's stupidity was worth it all. Bowser grinned and ploughed through the piles of ravioli and tomato sauce in the kitchen, crunching some of the cans and letting their contents spill out onto the floor. Mario wouldn't be too happy when he got home.
- Later That Night -
"Some party huh, Mario?" said Luigi as he unlocked the front door.
"Okeydokey," responded his brother, but as Luigi swung open the door the grin faded from his face.
The house was completely wrecked! Doors were ripped from their hinges, holes punched through the walls. Furniture was smashed all over the place and there were even burn marks here and there. The living room light socket had been completely yanked from the walls and Mario's brand new PDA was lying shattered on the floor. And, to top things off, a strange smell of spoilt tomatoes was wafting out from the kitchen.
"Who could have done this?" gasped Luigi, sinking into one of the sofas that had escaped destruction. "Oh Mario, what're we gonna do?"
The red-clad plumber thought for a moment and then had an idea. He walked over to Luigi and patted him on the back. "Don't-a-worry, I'll make us some-a-pasta."