Note: Each one/twoshot can stand alone for the most part, so when there are more chapters, feel free to jump around. Also, moods between chapters are liable to change. In fact, they will almost definitely change. Some may be funny -- or at least intended to be -- and some may be nothing but the fluffy stuff. Just a warning, sort of. And as for spoilers: the characters' real names are bound to show up.

The authoress has SPOKEN!

Death Note doesn't belong to me. "This," is spoken, and 'This,' is a thought.


"Gimme Mah Chocolate, Foo'!"
Documentary 1: Decimated

--x--

Date: June 3
Time: Sunday Afternoon
Age Span: Mello - 7, Matt - 7, Near - 5

--x--

Mello was the self-appointed hand of discipline at the Wammy House. Well, not like a hall monitor or teacher or anything -- no, he couldn't care less if you streaked through the halls in your underwear, breaking every piece of furniture that obstructs your path. In fact, he would be the first to applaud.

Actually, Mello had his own, unspoken rules of charter that all Wammy inhabitants must conform to -- older children, younger children, and even the adults. Why? Well, it's simple. Amongst all the gifted and talented children at the orphanage, Mello was the smartest, the strongest, the fastest, and the scariest; basically, he was the best form of life there. Thus...

-x-

The Ten Dictations of Mello:

1) Thou must never approach the Mello, unless first approached by Him. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

2) Thou must never look the Mello directly in the eye. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

3) Thou must never speak whilst the Mello is speaking. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

4) Thou must never touch the Mello in any way, shape, or form unless directed thus. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

5) Thou must never linger in the presence of the Mello further than the time appointed by Him. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

6) Thou must never enter the domain of the Mello without first consulting Him -- or his accomplice, the Matt. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

7) Thou must never prod, poke, stroke, nor by any means touch the stuffs of the Mello. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

8) Thou must never press upon the personal matters of the Mello. Transgressors will be threatened with decimation.

9) Thou must never inquire upon the gender of the Mello. Transgressors will be swiftly decimated.

10) Thou must never, ever, EVER eat of the chocolate set aside for the sole consumption of the Mello. Transgressors will be immediately and painfully decimated.

-x-

Needless to say, the residents of Wammy were more than happy to obey this set of laws. Everyone could go about their business as usual, with the added bonus of a future free of "decimation" by Mello (for the most part).

Or, rather, that's how things used to be. Until Near came.


Arrival of a Rival

--x--

It was a day like any other: quiet, empty, and indifferent.

Mello lay sprawled across the bedroom floor, picking at stray strands of yarn from the rug. The warm summer sunlight drifted soundlessly into the room through wide, unveiled windows. Mello stared blankly at the sky beyond, muttering aloud to himself that he was bored. Where had Matt run off to? Worthless slave. He should've been back with his chocolate by now.

Scraping himself off the hardwood floor, Mello shook out his hair and padded into the hallway. Instantly, the noise of crowded children exiting the lunch room assaulted his ears. Mello scowled and closed the door of his quiet sanctuary behind him.

Kids cluttered the hall. Those in Mello's path quickly stepped aside (in respect to those ten rules mentioned previously), and as he pushed through the crowd, Mello heard little snippets of the conversations flying around him. It annoyed him to no end.

"OMG! That is the ugliest orange skirt EVER!!" screamed Missy.

"Oh, yeah, and that PINK really suits you!" Thursday shrieked.

"...yeah, and I heard that another bunch of new kids were dropped off today... Nick saw the bus..."

"Excuse me."

Safari was spazzing out again. "Hey, did you catch WWF last night?? Oh man, The Rock was all like, 'EUURGHH!' and the Undertaker was all like, 'YARRRGH!!' and they were all, like, rippin' each other apart! It was just like... SO great! And--"

Metre, forced to listen to his rant, began inching away very slowly.

"Excuse me."

"--so then Abacus kicked down Roger's door an' ran right outta detention!"

"Lyk omg Matt is lyk soooo kewt nd evrytihng but lyk he's alwyas wif taht blond kid an hes relly scari!" Serendipity read aloud as she texted her friend Shannon (who, by the way, was only three kids to her left).

"Excuse me!"

There was a quick, oh-so-slight tug at Mello's black shirt from behind. The blonde boy whipped around, ready to beat this "toucher" inside-out. But as he turned, his arm recoiled at the sight of a child he did not recognize.

"Excuse me," the small, pale boy in the baggy grey T-shirt repeated. The frail little thing looked up at Mello with great, wide eyes that were oddly apathetic. "Could you show me where Mr. Roger's office is?"

Mello's moment of surprise subsided, and his eyes hardened. "And just why should I bother doing tha--"

"I'm lost," the boy stated. He reached out boldly and took Mello's hand in his own, waiting expectantly (arrogantly, Mello thought) for his request to be fulfilled.

The blonde fury glared at him and threw his hand away. He continued to glare, waiting for the new kid to take a hint and back off. He did not.

"You don't know where it is?" the kid asked quietly, twirling one slim finger into his curly mess of white hair. He didn't budge. Didn't even cower. What was with this kid?

"I KNOW where it is, ya little creep! But I'm NOT gonna waste my time takin' YOU there!" Mello exploded, shoving the kid out of his way and stampeding down the hall. The area was too crowded for any of the adults to notice that Mello had lashed out, again, at another child.

"But I'm lost..." Mello heard the kid murmur, shuffling off to ask someone else.

--x--

(Near's Progress)
Rules 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 concerning approach, eye contact, speech, touch, and stalling:
successfully ignored.


The Enmity Grows

--x--

Thrusting the doors of the kitchen open, Mello stomped up to the fridge and pilfered an armful of chocolate bars. He slipped through the back door into a vacant hall, stealthily avoiding any adults that may chance to pass by. While meandering through the orphanage, Mello discovered Matt in the living room, pockets overflowing with chocolate. He had been (and still was) distracted by the medium-sized TV that was currently airing some kind of stupid wrestling show. Safari and Metre were on either side of him, screaming in bouts of unintelligible jargon every time someone got beaten over the head with a chair.

Hm. Beating people with metal chairs... that appealed to Mello very much. He stored the idea of this new bullying tactic away in his mind, planning an appropriate time to use this newfound skill on his victims. Maybe he'd even practice on Matt; it looked like fun.

"MATT!" Mello roared, his mood swinging back to perpetual anger. "I ordered you to be back at the room within TEN minutes with my chocolate! You better hope they ain't melted yet!"

Matt sighed and twisted his head to face the doorway. Really, sometimes his so-called "best friend" was just so demanding... "But Mello," the redhead explained imploringly, "this is the season special of WWF and I already missed half of it. Can't I just watch the rest here? I didn't wanna make you mad by watching it in our room, 'cuz you said you don't like wrestling..."

"Matt, I'm ALREADY mad."

The redhead opened his mouth to protest again, but Mello grabbed him by the back of his shirt and literally dragged him out of the room, making the melted chocolate in Matt's back pocket smear against his bottom and run all over the carpet.

Safari and Metre didn't even notice the commotion. Their eyes were glued to the TV set.

--x--

The two boys wandered down the now-empty hall and made their way towards their shared dorm room. Mello had calmed down significantly after realizing that Matt had gotten chocolate stains on his butt, thus laughing all his anger away. Matt, ever unfazed, simply pulled a gameboy from his pocket (the one devoid of chocolate, of course) and started a new game of Pokemon.

Mello was still chortling inwardly at Matt's butt stains as he turned the knob of their door, enjoying his blissfully peaceful state of mind.

Only to find that pale boy from before sitting on his bed.

Matt looked up from his gameboy and stared dumbly at the pale child. Face, features, personality... nope, it didn't register with him. This must be a new kid.

Mello stood in the doorway, his peaceful state of mind slowly regressing into anger. With all the eloquence of one his age, Mello addressed the boy, "What the CRAP are you doing in MY ROOM??"

"Roger put me in this room... you're Mello and Matt, right? Can I have this top bunk?" the boy replied calmly.

"GET THE HELL OFF MY BED!!"

Little Creep, as Mello called him, sighed and slid off the top bunk, climbing carefully down the ladder on the side. "My name is Near, by the way," Little Creep said, shuffling over to the empty single bed at the other side of the room.

"I don't care," Mello seethed, dropping all his stolen chocolate on Matt's bottom-bunk bed.

"Hi Near," Matt mumbled, making no effort to acknowledge Mello's outrage and going over to his closet to find a change of pants.

Near fixed Matt with a strange look once he turned his back to him, but the boy chose not to inquire about Matt's butt stains (out of courtesy). He did, however, ask, "Mello? What are all the candy bars for?"

"WHAT, can't I enjoy my WELL-EARNED chocolate in peace without getting interrogated in my own room??" Mello shouted, rebelliously shredding the wrappers of three bars and shoving them all into his mouth at once.

Near blinked a couple times, watching Mello as he practically inhaled his sixth bar. "Uh, well, I guess so... it's just that..."

Mello exploded again. "Just what, huh? WHAT, smartguy?! You think I'm gonna get fat, or something? YOU CALLIN' ME FAT?!"

"It's just that... well... you've eaten about as much chocolate in one sitting as a pregnant lady."

The room fell silent.

"...hehe... heh... mmphhmhmhmh... pff... BAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAA!" Matt tripped over his own pulled-down pants and fell all over himself, bursting into the laughter that he had been trying so hard to hold back.

Near ignored the redhead and looked at Mello innocently. "Sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your fee--"

Out of nowhere, Mello ignited into a roaring, flailing beast of a child and seized Near by the hair, dragging him to the door and using his superior, rabid strength to forcefully fling him down the hall. "SHORTY, IF YOU SO MUCH AS THINK ABOUT COMIN' IN MAH ROOM AGAIN, HEADS-WILL-ROLL!!" This proclaimed, Mello slammed the door and locked it three times. Yes, Mello has three locks. For you see, he truly values his privacy.

--x--

(Near's Progress)
Rules 6, 7, 8, and 9 concerning personal space, personal items, personal matters, and personal gender:
completely disregarded.


Enemy's Advocate: Linda Valentine

--x--

Near, massaging his abused scalp, rolled over and huddled up next to the wall. Was it something he said?

As the little boy dwelled upon the misfortune of getting thrown out of his own room (literally), it just so happened that, at that moment, a young girl around Mello's age turned the corner of the hall and noticed a pale splotch against the red carpet. Curious as always, Linda walked over to investigate.

"Oh my gosh!" she gasped, observing Near's pale, bruised, and slightly bleeding state.

Near looked up to see a girl with strawberry blonde hair, pulled into pigtails, looking down at him with over-sympathetic blue eyes. He blinked. "Who are you?" he muttered quietly.

The girl seemed not to hear him and continued to stare. Then she shook her head scornfully. "It was Mello, wasn't it? He did this to you, right? C'mon, I'll take you to Roger, and he'll get back at him for you!" The girl took Near by the wrist and pulled him up, dragging him down the hall without waiting for his reply.

"I'm fine, really," Near retorted coldly, stiffening at her touch.

"You're right... we should go to the nurse first!" she exclaimed. Linda, with her amazingly selective hearing, turned around and dragged him the other way.

"Stop that," Near said, annoyed, trying to shake her off.

"Oh, and you've got blood all over your shirt! You know, I have a set of pajamas that I never use, so you can have them," she said. (It would seem that she was ignoring him entirely now.) Dragging Near to the left side of the hall -- as opposed to the right side, which is the boys' side -- she opened a door to some random room and shoved him into the unknown.

--x--

Twenty minutes later, after Linda had successfully fished out her old pair of white pajamas and a band-aid box, Near sat compliantly on her puffy pink carpet and itched at one of the band-aids she had forced upon him. When she had seen to it that Near was comfortable and safe, the girl promptly stood and walked out the door, explaining that she would now go to fetch Roger. Near breathed a sigh of rare relief when she left, only to see Linda walk back into the room two seconds later.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Mrs. Butterworth gave me some candy for being good in class today, and I was gonna eat it, but... well, you can have it! What's your name again?"

"Near," he replied, accepting the sweets and refraining from mentioning that this was actually only the first time he had told her his name. Oh well. She would just forget it in about six seconds, anyway.

Linda left, again, and Near waited to see if she would return. Several minutes later, he concluded that it was finally safe to leave this freakish palace of girldom. Trekking carefully to the door, Near took a shifty-eyed peek into the hall and then carefully slid through the doorway. Glancing about, he saw that the corridor was comfortingly empty and began to sift through Linda's generous handful of candy. Among the treats was a single, milk chocolate candy bar. Near noted casually that it looked just like the ones that Mello had, then proceeded to unravel the wrapper of a Tootsie Roll.

--x--

The ten-year-old brunette fell to the side, wailing in pain and clutching his leg. Another opponent decimated.

Mello tore down the field, dribbling the soccer ball with an abundance of fury-fueled energy. It was the norm at the Wammy House for Mello to stroll down to the field once in a while and butt into a game of soccer, football, baseball, or whatever they happened to be enjoying at the moment. Afterwards, the game usually ended in victory for Mello... and various pains for anyone else. Actually, it was a wonder that the kids didn't think to run the other way whenever they saw him coming. Frozen in fear, maybe?

"MATT!" Mello roared, kicking the ball vigorously to his partner. As soon as Matt received the pass and started heading toward the goal, Mello whipped around and leapt at several boys coming his way, tackling them into a pool of conveniently-placed mud.

"Hey! There's no tackling in soccer!" Thursday protested from the sidelines.

"Shh, it might hear you..." hushed Friday, Thursday's twin sister.

--x--

It was all over in a matter of minutes. Matt scored, Mello danced, and everybody else limped to the nurse's office.

Once inside, Mello took the opportunity to gloat profusely. "That was a great play, huh? Those losers, they didn't even have a chance! Agree with me, Matt."

"Yeah, Mello... didn't even have a chance..." Matt repeated offhandedly, tapping the buttons on his gameboy.

"Yeah! And remember when Dimitri and Yo-Yo were all like, kickin' their lil sissy passes? But then I ran over, kicked both of 'em down, and stole the ball! Agree with me, Matt."

"Right, Mello... lil sissy passes..."

"Right! Oooh, and then there was that time when that one girl tripped all over herself, and what's-his-face like, sat on her?! Agree with me, Matt."

"Yes, Mello... what's-her-name and whose-a-ma-whatsit..."

"Yup! And--" Mello stopped. Matt, who had been following close behind with his attention diverted, walked into Mello. The redhead looked up, surprised, when Mello didn't backhand him immediately for invading his personal space.

--x--

Oh, my god. No frickin' way.

There was Near, sitting once more in front of Mello's door, eating... what seemed to be...

...one of the bars of chocolate set aside for the sole consumption of the Mello.


The Last Dictation

--x--

OMFG-WTF-LMAO-NOWAI-STFU-STM-BBQ!!1!!11!

Mello lunged forward, tackling Near to the ground and sending the half-eaten chocolate bar flying across the floor. Mello proceeded to strangle poor little Near, who was silent with shock before panicking and twisting about wildly in an attempt to breathe. After some moments of standing in a confused daze, Matt ran over to Mello and tried to pry him off, unable to comprehend the gravity of Near's mistake.

"Stoppit, Mello! It was just a candy bar! I promise I'll get you another one!!" Matt cried.

"GRAAARRRGGHLLLRRAAAHH!!" Mello bellowed, suddenly foaming at the mouth.

Fortunately (well, maybe not), Linda and Roger came just in time to witness the commotion. Linda screamed and ran over, unhelpfully trying to kick and punch the raging torrent of blonde. Roger only sighed and rubbed his temples, as if exhausted already. He stepped back and watched the scene at a safe distance. This was why he hated kids.

Eventually, Near broke free and pushed past everyone else, locking himself frantically in Mello and Matt's room. Mello foamed and growled some more, clawing at the door in a beast-like manner. He heard the three locks click into place, and then engaged in a one-way cussing war with the door.

--x--

(Near's Progress)
Rule 10, of critical importance, concerning the sacred chocolate of the Mello:
spontaneously combusted.

--x--

Some time later, Near woke up to an immaculately white room, darkened by the fall of night and sprinkled with the unfamiliar scent of sterile gloves. He tried to recall the memories of what had happened... something about a wild, yellow-haired animal... a door falling down on him... and then nothingness. When he tried to massage his aching cranium, he found that he was completely immobile, with his limbs and body restricted in some sort of casing.

Little Near frowned, lost in his misery and discomfort. What had he done to deserve this?

The answer came disturbingly soon.

"Hello, Near..." hissed a voice from within the recesses of the dark room. Near shuddered inwardly.

The breath expelled by this voice was heavy with the unmistakable scent of... chocolate.


From the Author: Concept of decimation inspired by Mikami Teru's eliminate-happy mindframe. :D Yes, and I did make up a last name for Linda... whom the readers probably don't even know/care about, since she wasn't mentioned in the anime and didn't really make an appearance in the manga. Still, she's going to come up in this story a lot, so you may as well familiarize with her. (If Mello has Matt, why can't Near have a lackey too?)

Also, in Mello's string of texty curses -- most of which I think the reader will understand without the aid of an explanation -- "STM" stands for "spank the monkey". Yeah... I saw it on the internet once and just decided to throw that in there. Along with some barbeque.

Now see? That wasn't a crackfic at all. Reviews would be nice, though. :)