"Ten Secrets You Didn't Know About the Marauders"
A/N: A response to cupid-painted-blind's "Twenty Facts" challenge. But I can pull it off in TEN! Enjoy!
Summary: The four Marauders comment on 10 secrets you may not have known about them.
Rating: T-14 for random stupidity, mostly.
WARNING: There are some DH spoilers towards the end!
"Okay, so can we do this now or not?"
"Okay, Sirius, relax. We'll get this over with, right?"
"You better damn well hope Kreacher doesn't shred the house apart, Remus. You signed us up for this stupid thing…"
"Why is SHE here?"
"I'm a Marauder too, James!"
"Ah…technically, you're not, Evans."
"Let's just hurry up, OKAY?"
"And can we PLEASE not have anything embarrassing revealed about us? I'm not to keen on this "Ten Secrets" deal, and never have been."
"It's not up to us…"
"Oh, who asked you, Wormtail?
Secret #1: James crushed on Lily since second year.
LILY: That was the year I tattled on you for making Ralph Henderson eat slugs!
JAMES: Who said I EVER liked Evans?! I DON'T!
SIRIUS: Evidently, the bold-type guy who wrote this.
REMUS: It's a girl who wrote this.
SIRIUS: Who says?
SADIE: I say!
LILY: Whatever you say, James. I know you're in denial.
PETER: I have a medicine that can cure that right up for you, James.
Secret #2: Sirius was the one who put glue on Remus' toothbrush third year.
REMUS: I knew it.
SIRIUS: No you didn't.
Secret #3: The Marauders are the reason no one can Apparate in and out of Hogwarts.
SIRIUS: Hold on, hold the phone! Why do all four of us get credit, when ALL the credit is rightfully MINE?
JAMES: Because AFTER you got lost, we all had to Apparate around to find you and then WE got lost.
SIRIUS: We were fifth years!
REMUS: Was I the only one who got lost and next found themselves lying in bed next to a House-Elf?
LILY: Anyway, thanks to you bozos, NO ONE can Apparate at Hogwarts now. I don't really see why U had to be punished for your—
JAMES: Cram a sock in it, Evans.
SIRIUS: Save the flirty-talk for later, James.
Secret #4: Remus took Lily to the Yule Ball their fifth year.
REMUS: Oh, yes, I meant to tell you that, James, but…
JAMES: Why? Why would I care?
SIRIUS: If you didn't care so much, how come you made Peter take Polyjuice Potion to become a girl so you had a date?
JAMES: Who said that had ANYTHING to do with Evans?
PETER: I still have that dress in my closet. I think of you every time I see it, James.
JAMES: That's creepy.
Secret #5: The Marauders used Remus' lycanthropy as an excuse to party in Hogsmeade after curfew.
JAMES: --laughs-- Good times, good times.
SIRIUS: You said it!
REMUS: You never did invite me to those parties.
JAMES: Well, you WERE 10 feet tall and howling under the full moon for most of the time. We couldn't risk it.
REMUS: Risk what?
SIRIUS: Having you eat all the caviar before any of us got to it. That stuff was expensive.
PETER: And it left a bad aftertaste in your mouth.
REMUS: I see. But you could have at least brought me back a butterbeer.
SIRIUS: We would have, but the strippers distracted us a lot of the time.
REMUS: I hate you.
Secret #6: Sirius lost his virginity fourth year.
SIRIUS: Um…they didn't need to know that one.
JAMES: That's okay, none of us saw that one, right?
LILY: Uh….you promised not to tell anyone, Sirius!
SIRIUS: They had cookies!
Secret #7: James' Animagus form wasn't originally a stag.
SIRIUS: Okay, THAT one I didn't even know! What was it before?
PETER: You can tell us, it's only the five of us.
REMUS: And the approximately 100+ readers who look at this interview later.
JAMES: Before I was a stag, I was a butterfly.
LILY: Okay, there's just too much to mock you with right there.
JAMES: So I purposely traumatized myself with butterflies to change my form!
REMUS: How can you possibly traumatize yourself with BUTTERFLIES?
JAMES: Peanut butter works wonders, my friend. Let's just leave it at that.
Secret #8: Remus and Severus Snape were childhood buddies.
JAMES: That's disgusting…even for a werewolf, Remus.
REMUS: I'm sorry! My mom knew his dad from church, and we went to Sunday school together, and who knew we both liked Alfred Hitchcock movies?
PETER: You went to the movies with him?!
REMUS: Just a few times!
JAMES: Is secret number nine going to be that Remus and Snape got married and had babies together?
Nope, sorry James.
JAMES: That's okay.
LILY: I hate you.
JAMES: Shut up, baby.
JAMES: I…er…you smell. Bad.
LILY, SIRIUS, PETER: Denial.
Secret #9: Peter has an Imperius spell over Sirius that endures to this day.
SIRIUS: That's a lie!
PETER: No, it's not.
SIRIUS: No, it's not.
JAMES: --laughs—Peter! Make him disco!
PETER: Dance, monkey, dance!!! MWAHAHAHA!!
--Sirius gets Disco Fever--
REMUS: Whoa…easy on the coffee, there, Peter.
LILY: I dunno…what we could do with an espresso maker and a sombrero might be interesting…
Secret #10: The Marauders all know what's going to happen to them in the future.
JAMES: Nope. We will NOT be married and have a son who will defeat Voldemort!
LILY: Yes we will…we'll just be dead before we see him defeat Voldemort.
JAMES: That's scary how you're all calm with that. It's emo.
JAMES" It's a slang term describing depressed/gothic-punk/suicidal youth culture that will become popular in the new millennium.
LILY: I'm glad I'll be missing THAT.
REMUS: I still can't believe that's I'm going to end up marrying, having a baby with, and then dying beside some moody little twit who's currently 3 years old!
SIRIUS: Ha ha, you're going to marry a toddler!
REMUS: You're not going to marry ANYONE! Besides' she's going to be in her twenties by the time that happens. By the way, I'd be nice to Bellatrix if I were you.
SIRIUS: Why start now? She's such a fruit.
JAMES: You know, Remus, old guys marrying young chicks and then dying beside them is actually quite a growing fad.
REMUS: I hate my life.
JAMES: That reminds me, Peter, time for your daily punishment for betraying me and Lily and then framing Sirius and getting him shoved in jail, then resurrecting the Dark lord and causing the Second War that kills everyone in this room who isn't already dead at that time…
PETER: Man, you hear ONE rumor!
PETER: Fine, I'll get the handcuffs…
LILY: Can I whip him a few times?
JAMES: Because I hate you.
REMUS, SIRIUS, LILY: Denial.
JAMES: STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Secret #11: James is in denial.
JAMES: No! Who asked you anyways? There were only supposed to be TEN secrets!!
Secret #12: James will shut up now before the bold-type girl writing this interview slaps his behind until it bleeds.
JAMES: Fine, meanie.
SIRIUS: That'd be sexy to watch if it was the other way around…
Secret #13: Sirius can come see me later and we can arrange that between us if he so desires.
JAMES: Hey, how come you like him better?
Secret #14: Because he's single.
JAMES: SO AM I!!!!