Part VII: Ten Secrets You Never Knew About The Trio: Harry, Hermione, and Ron!

"Harry, I'm scared!"

"Oh Ron, you're always scared, you chicken-shit!"

"It's just an interview, Ron, no need to have a coronary."

"Shut up, twit."

"You shut up, carrot-top!"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Let's make out, okay?"

"Um…Hermione? Ron? Can we save the releasing of the hormones until AFTER the interview?"



Secret #1: Ron is afraid of his own shadow.

HERMIONE: I knew it, you wuss!

RON: Hey! Be fair okay? I thought my shadow was a werewolf that time!

HERMIONE: It WAS a werewolf! You got bitten by Remus Lupin last year after he found out you slept with Tonks!

RON: That wasn't me, it was my brother Bill, I swear! I would never have sex, ever!


RON: No!

HARRY: Heh, I'll just sit back and watch the fireworks…

Secret #2: Crookshanks is Hermione's grandmother, who was accidentally zapped into cat form when Hermione was six.

HERMIONE: Makes it easier to give grandmother her morphine.

RON: But she eats innocent rat-men!
HERMIONE: Pettigrew was still in rat form at that time! Besides, she couldn't help it, she was hungry!

RON: Oh yeah? Well, what if Pig was hungry, would I have him eat you?

HERMIONE: No, because if you did, I would be mopping the floor of the girls' bathroom with your hair!

RON: I'd like to see you try!


RON: Ahhhh! –cowers—

HARRY: Now you see why I don't feel the need to pay for cable!

Secret #3: Harry and Hermione both agree that Ron is the human equivalent of a slinky.

RON: What?

HERMIONE: You're not really good for anything…

HARRY: But we can't help but smile to see you tumble down the stairs!

RON: So…you're gonna throw me down the stairs?

HERMIONE: Like we always do at noon on Sundays.

RON: Can I at least have lunch first?

HERMIONE: Only if you give me your torte like always.

RON: Fine, but I still don't see why I have to surrender my dessert.

HERMIONE: You KNOW the rules…

RON: --groans—no dessert until I lose my virginity.


HARRY: I made that rule up!

HERMIONE: Which is why I need your torte too, Harry.

HARRY: Damn.

Secret #4: Harry Potter isn't a hero at all. He's just a highly-paid actor hired by Hogwarts for dinner theater.

HARRY: Right. Voldemort is played my Michael Jackson, and pretty much every Death Eater is an actor, too. So yeah, I try to scare the shit out of people from coming to school by making them think Lord Voldemort is going to rule the world.

HERMIONE: Then, how do you explain the changing of Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers every year?

HARRY: Easy. Quirell was too mousey, Lockhart was too cocky, Lupin was too dumpy, Mad Eye was a diva, and Umbridge was just trying to get out of doing more of those stupid Pepto-Bismol commercials.

HERMIONE: Is THAT why she wears so much pink?

HARRY: Exactly!

RON: I'd do Pepto-Bismol commercials if I was asked to.

HERMIONE: I think you'd be better suited for a Plastic Surgery commercial as the 'before' picture.

RON: You think so? Thanks!

HERMIONE: No problem!

Secret #5: Ron's not wearing underwear.

HERMIONE: Some secret…he never does.

RON: Hey! I'm too poor for underwear!

HERMIONE: Yeah, and I'm too magical for a bra, dipstick.

HARRY: So THAT'S why you're so flat! I thought it was because you were a gymnast!

Secret #6: Hermione likes House Elves so much because she's planning to stage a revolt and take over the world with her elfish minions.

HERMIONE: And it will work too, by 2028!

RON: I dunno…Hermione running the world? I'm afraid.

HERMIONE: My first act will be to feed your brain to the elves and remind them of how YOU tried to stop me from freeing them!

HARRY: Ooh…I'd pay a galleon to see THAT!

RON: Shut up, Harry.


RON: Gah! –cowers again—

Secret #7: Ron and Hermione are going to get married, and they know it!

HERMIONE: I know it but I don't believe it!

RON: Me either!

HERMIONE: Neither.

RON: What?


RON: You neither what?

HERMIONE: Oh forget it, you mongoose.

RON: If that's anything like a bee, I'm allergic.

HARRY: Okay, now all we need is a red-jello pit and two giant cotton swabs, and we have ourselves a tournament!

HERMIONE: No way! It's gotta be BLUE jello, Harry! BLUE!

HARRY: Fine.

Secret #8: Harry wishes he were an Oscar Meyer weener.

HARRY: For that is all I truly want to be.

HERMIONE: Sorry Harry, but the only weenie around here is Ron.

HARRY: Damn.

RON: Hey! My mom said that Charlie's the only one with a gland disorder in the family!

GINNY: --leans in from out of nowhere—Overkill! –barfs a slug and quickly disappears—

HERMIONE: Where did she come from?

HARRY: She was hot!

RON: She ralphed a slug in my lap. I think I'll name it Herman.

Secret #9: Ron takes waltz classes.

HARRY: No surprise there.

HERMIONE: I caught him and Neville once dancing together…and Neville was leading!

HARRY: Really? Is he on top, too?

RON: I hate my life.

Secret #10: Believe it our not, Ron's not gay.

RON: Damn straight! Percy's the gay one!

He's bisexual.

RON: Oh, come on! I kissed Neville that ONE time!

HERMIONE: Great, now I'm going to end up marrying a sexually-confused twinkletoes virgin! I'd rather marry my cat!

HARRY: That would make you your own grandfather, wouldn't it?

HERMIONE: I don't really know…


RON: YARGH –cowers even more—

HARRY: Pathetic how we've done that three times in the past 10 minutes and he still cowers!

HERMIONE: He needs a sex change.

HARRY: Or less dance lessons.

RON: Mommy!

Well, folks, that'll be all for now! Glad you enjoyed this so much!