AUTHOR: Stompy Bigfoot
DISCLAIMER: Supernatural belongs to Warner Bros., Wonderland Sound and Vision, McG, Eric Kripke, and Robert Singer. I am only borrowing their characters for my own personal pleasure and no permanent harm will come to them.
SUMMARY: Sequel to Coming Clean. Past Wincest. Post Season 2. Sam wasn't able to find a loophole for Dean. Dean just wants to know why he ended it al those years ago.
SPOILERS: Season 1 & 2 of Supernatural
RATING: R, language, and adult themes.
Italics are thoughts.
I'm sorry Dean…you saved my life countless of times, and I can't even save you from a fucking deal. I'm not worthy to be your brother…Sam gave another sigh and continued his poor attempts at finding a loophole for Dean's deal. Dean looked up from his weapon cleaning and asked in a clearly frustrated voice, "Now what Sam?"
Sam ignored him and remained silent, brooding at the situation at hand. Dean glanced once more in his younger brother's direction and turned back to his task. I saved your life Sam. At least be glad.
"Just stop with the brooding attitude Sam. It's not like you're the one dying…" Before Dean could get another word out of his mouth, his brother had walked over to him in two angry strides and slammed him up against the wall suddenly.
Looking at him lividly, Sam whispered out acrimoniously and slowly, "No Dean, I'm not the one dying, but you are." Staring at him for another second, Sam dropped him just as suddenly and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
The oldest Winchester stared at the spot where Sam occupied earlier, and was pondering the words his brother just whispered. What did he mean? Shouldn't he be happy that I'm gone? He can go back to his apple pie life, and nothing would stop him this time. After all, I only ruined his life. If it wasn't for me, his name wouldn't be in the feds database.
Sam didn't go far after slamming the door behind him. Sitting outside the room, he leaned back against the door with his legs bent in front of him, all the time murmuring to himself, "I'm sorry Dean. I'm sorry." Before long, Sam fell into an uneasy sleep.
"I'm sorry Dean. I can't continue this, this relationship." Sam whispered to Dean during the dead of the night, in the bedroom they shared.
Dean stood still, not moving an inch, but his heart was breaking at every word Sam was articulating. "Sam…"
"It's over Dean. This thing between us, it was wrong to begin with, so I'm calling the quits here. This isn't normal Dean." Sam stared evenly with Dean, hazels clashing with caramels. The moon was illuminating mellow beams through the gaps between the curtains and onto Dean's face, reminding Sam of the pictures of Angels he had seen in churches.
"Sammy, you're not being serious here? I thought…oh well…" The sentence broke off at the end as Dean's face started tearing, creating off an iridescent appearance.
Sam was tempted to move to comfort his brother, but wisely kept his limbs to himself. "I'm sorry…"
Dean's hazel orbs gazed conscientiously at Sam's eyes again, swirling with betrayal and hurt. He didn't bother to hide his emotions behind a mask. Sam broke all his defences down and he simply didn't have the vigour to slam a mask over it right now. "You started this Sam. Don't blame it on me. You started this…"
Dean gave Sam another shattering look, before quietly walking to the door. Sam turned his head around to see Dean closing the door behind him and a minute later, the sound of the front door opening and closing was heard. Sam wondered where his brother could go in the middle of the night, when the engine of the Impala rumbled out.
Sam woke up with a start. The moon was still radiating in the dark sky, giving Sam a clear view of his two wet splotches on his jeans. I was crying. He restructured his leg positions, folding them in Indian style, before looking up poignantly at the bright stars, deep in thought.
Dean, didn't you know that your death would affect me? Did you think I could just go on here without you? Fuck you Dean, why did you have to make the god damn deal? You selfless, idiotic, sacrificing bastard. Another voice piped out, "You can't blame your brother Sam. You know fully well that you were the cause of all this. Dean loved you with his whole heart; he trusted you and you knew perfectly well. But, what did you do? You plunged a knife in his back when he most unexpected it, betraying him in the worst way. You caused all his insecurities and there is nobody else but yourself to blame. Sam let out another anguished shudder, and leaned his head back, banging it against the door on the process. The lacklustre of the traffic around him put him to sleep again.
The moment Dean was awake, he felt something was missing, the intuition tinged with fear. Turning over to look on the opposite bed, it confirmed his fear. Sam was not sleeping like he was supposed to on the bed. I knew he went out last night, but he should be back now. How long does it take one to cool down? Worrying significantly, he hastily out on his clothes and boots, before grabbing his gun and keys. Running to the door, he opened the door violently and to his shock and relief, a drowsy Sam tumbled into the room and crashed painfully onto the maroon carpet.
The youngest Winchester awoken abruptly to the fall, and blinked around stupidly. Looking owlishly for a few seconds, he irritably muttered, "What the hell?"
"Where were you Sam? I thought you went missing again." Dean shot out with irritation.
Sam muttered an 'out' and ignoring Dean, he went inside to get cleaned up. Dean didn't know what was wrong with his brother, he swear he didn't say anything to upset him…or maybe he was upset about what I said last night. Following his younger brother's footsteps, he went inside the room, and started his daily morning business.
The two brothers never mentioned a word about what was going to happen at the end of the week. Both acted as though nothing was wrong, and everything was fine, but both felt rather than knew that their silence was going to cause something big sooner or later. The volcano's going to erupt sooner or later; it stayed dormant for to long…
The night before Dean was due to hell for eternity, Sam couldn't control his actions anymore. All the curtains were closed to their limits, and both boys were on their respective beds sleeping, well Dean was, but the taller Winchester just wasn't able to fall asleep. Too many secrets were untold; too many unanswered questions weren't laid to rest; too many lies were passed between them…he didn't deserve that… He could see from his own bed that Dean was lying on his back, arms flung around messily, blankets covering half of his strong torso. His shirt was rucked up, so it gave Sam a very nice view of his abs and stomach. Was it really 7 years since we were intimate? I could never forget you Dean. You were everything… Giving one last thought, he got out of his own bed, and tried to crawl discreetly into Dean's bed. Unfortunately, Dean was trained as a hunter, so the second Sam lifted the blankets; his brother was roused from his sleep.
"Sam…what the…what's wrong?" Dean asked in concern, since Sam was clinging to him almost desperately. Oh Sammy…I can never forget your touch and smell…
Sam shook his head at Dean's inquiries and mumbled out, 'nothing'. Dean at once knew his brother was lying, bearing in mind that he was the one that taught Sam how to lie. I can see through this Sam…The room was dark, with no light on, so Dean couldn't see the actual expression Sam was sporting. Burying his head into the crook of Dean's arm, and curling himself even tighter, he started uttering softly, "I'm sorry Dean."
"Hey, it's okay Sam. I knew the moment I made the deal that I was bargaining my soul. I don't regret this." Dean free hand soothed Sam's forehead, and tilted his head back to look him into the eye.
"It's not that Dean…" Sam closed his eyes slowly and turned his head away immediately, forcing his own head away from Dean, away from the hazels that had haunted him for the past 7 years. Dean looked at Sam in perplexity, but mentally, he knew what Sam was talking about, am I going to know why Sam ditched me all those years ago? Am I finally getting an answer now?
Dean took his hand away from the shaggy head, and looked back up to the ceiling, all the while remaining silent. His unvoiced question was answered, after a few minutes of silent, with Sam returning to his original position.
The voice was slightly muffled by the arm in his way, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was young, thinking it was for the best you know. I was selfish, and I didn't think what it would do to you. You're not anybody Dean; you're everything. You meant the whole world to me then, and you still do. Only when you're on your deathbed, am I'm going to admit this. God Dean, I lied that day, I never stopped loving you, but at that time, I had to do it, it was the only solution I knew of." Sam wasn't focusing on anything at the moment, his brain going back to all those memories he'd suppressed of Dean.
Dean finally interrupts his quiet speech in a slightly cracked voice, the only indication that he wasn't that clam with the current situation. "Why Sam? What happened? don't I deserve an answer now? I let you go, back in Smallville, and I waited for you to talk, but you never did. Sammy, come on, give the guy a break here. I deserve at least an answer, I was part of the relationship as much as you were, if not, more."
Sam was a tad hurt by Dean's last comment, but remained silent, only shaking his head violently; the answer clearly 'no'.
No Sam, you don't get to get away this time… Having enough of his antagonistic attitude, Dean moved suddenly and pinned his brother on his back under him. The brown-haired eyes' were watering rapidly, and Dean could literally feel waves of regret and grief gushing out from the figure below him. Please Sam…I have to know. I died that day, you know, but I put it behind us like you asked, and now you tell me that you lied that night. What is the fucking truth then?
Sam could see undoubtedly Dean was pleading with him openly; pleading with him to give him peace, to tell him why he ended all those years ago, leaving him heartbroken and hurting, but most importantly, betrayed. I can't tell you Dean. I just can't, you can't know Dean, it would kill you.
Dean finally opened his mouth; words articulated softly into the night, "Was it something I did Sam? If it was, I really didn't mean to…"
"No Dean. No. You didn't do anything. It had nothing to do with you. You were everything I could ask for, it was never you. It was me." Sam squeaked out suddenly. It wasn't you Dean. Just don't ask anymore… Dean looked at him in surprise, and simply nodded, obviously not believing a word Sam just said.
The arm on his arms relaxed slightly, and the heavy on his chest came off a bit. Sam thought Dean would stop asking, but before he could put his mind at ease any further, Dean went ahead and asked, "Sam, tell me the truth. If it wasn't me as you have just acclaimed; and if you still feel something for me; then why Sam, why did you break it off so suddenly? Sammy, please?"
Sam let out an embarrassing noise, a mixture of a whine and a groan, and finally offered something, "Dad found out."
Dean was genuinely shocked, all this time, he never thought his father knew about the incestuous relationship his two sons had. "Then why didn't he mention anything to me?" Dad never gave the hint he knew about us…
"He didn't find out about that, he only found out about my unhealthy feelings for you. I don't know how, but he did." Sam stated calmly with a shrug of his shoulders. Finally, I can say something without feeling like I'm practically breaking to pieces…
The answer seemed to relieve Dean significantly, but his eyebrows furrowed again at Sam, now what? "There still something, because if it was only a 'dad found out', you would've at least implied something to me and we could've done something. There's more Sam, I know, it's not that simple, is it?"
Sam was staring dazedly at his brother's pink lips, immersed completely at the pink flesh. What does his mouth feel like again? I would give anything just to feel that again, to feel his lips on mine, his tongue battling against mine, his soft breathes, gentle nips… Getting himself out of his futile thoughts, he looked intently at the eyes above him, "Dean, you don't want to know. This would kill you. Please Dean, don't make me."
"Sammy, I have to know, I need to know." Two droplets landed on Sam's face, and a sniffle was heard. The short-haired didn't even bother with wiping his tears away, unmistakably showing how upset he was over this issue.
The tears seemed to undo Sam's obstruction of his secret. "It was around 6 months before that night. I came home from school, and dad said he needed to talk to me privately. You were out for some reason, I think dad sent you out to buy something, so it was only dad and I in the apartment. We talked a bit, but I knew from his unsteady stance that his mind was on an entirely different thing. So after a few sentences, I had enough, so I asked him what was the real problem. He looked at me with that look, and blatantly told me that he knew about my sick feelings for you. He went on about how could I do this, and he said Dean cannot know about it. I nearly laughed right there, I mean, we were already doing the unthinkable so I decided to say, 'It's none of your business, and it's not like I'll be doing anything about it'. It was the wrong thing to say, because the next thing I knew was he…he…" Sam broke off, unable to explain further to Dean.
"What Sammy? I promise I won't get mad. What did he do?" Sam heard Dean's voice gently but beseechingly asking him.
"It would kill you Dean. You don't want to know." Sam was practically begging Dean now. It would shatter every image you had of dad. I can't do that to you.
Dean's intense gaze burned into Sam's caramels, "I have to know. I have to lay my heart to rest Sam." Sammy…please…
Sam relented and gave a sigh, "He declared steely 'I will make sure that you won't do anything about it', and then pushed me onto the floor and fucked me. I'm not lying Dean, and don't hate dad for this. It was my fault for not being careful enough about it. I didn't mean him to find out. He never did it again. Till this day, I don't even know how he found out; I never kept a journal and I certainly never told him."
Sam words were trembling like mad by the end, and his eyelashes dangerously held his tears back. The next thing he knew, he was being hugged tightly and a hand was rubbing soothingly up and down his back. Hugging back and burying his head into Dean's shoulder, he sobbed his earnest, the whole time mumbling constantly "I'm sorry Dean. I really thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want you to be punished too. I'm so sorry, didn't mean to. Don't blame dad, he still loved us. I'm sorry…" even if I got a full ride into Stanford, it still doesn't mean that I am the smartest when it comes to love…
"Shhhh Sammy. I'm not mad. I merely wished you told me before, maybe things would've ended differently." Dean whispered into Sam's ear; eyes still alarmingly bright, but not crying.
What did I do to deserve Dean? How can he be so understanding? Doesn't he know that I was the fundamental problem in this whole mess? Sam had eventually cried himself to sleep. Dean felt his brother's body falling asleep, the weight shifting into a different feel and carefully; he laid back down in bed, settling Sam in a comfortable position. Reaching around for the blankets, he pulled them up again, and arranging himself around his giant brother with his arm wrapped loosely, he went off too sleep.
The two Winchesters were leaning against the Chevy's trunk, waiting for the unavoidable. Why did Dean have to save my arse back there? I didn't deserve it, caused him all this pain and he had to bargain his soul to give me me my life back. Dammit Dean.
I don't regret doing this. Couldn't live with the fact that I wasn't able to save you, had to save you, no matter what. Just be careful Sam. I'm sorry, I can't protect you now. Turning himself so he was face to face with his brother, he bowed his head shyly and softly asked, "I never asked for this Sam. Please, can I…"
Sam understood at once. Holding the stubbled chin in one hand, he tilted it slightly and descended his lips onto Dean's. Dean instinctively wrapped his hands around Sam's waist and unconsciously brought them closer together. God Dean…Sam moaned profoundly at the contact…it's been such a long time… The two tried to pour every ounce of their emotions and feelings into the one kiss, the last kiss that they would share in this lifetime. I love you Sam, always did and always will. Sam gave one last swipe to Dean's swollen bottom lip, and removed his mouth. Grabbing securely onto his shoulder, Sam gazed long and hard into Dean's hazels; the hazels he knew that will never spark or open again in this lifetime. I never stopped loving you Dean…
"I love you Dean." Without witnessing the consequences of his declaration, he enveloped Dean in a tight hug.
Thank god he isn't crying. I don't think I can handle that…Dean's head was laid on his brother's shoulder. He returned the hug just as earnestly, he murmured thickly into the ear next to his head, "Love you too Sam. Look out for yourself okay, I don't want to hear from the demons that you didn't see pass 50. I bargained my soul for you dude, make it worth it." Don't feel guilty over this Sammy, it was my choice… Sam just hugged him tighter, never saying a word.
3 weeks after his brother's death, Sam was driving the Impala towards California. The stay there was probably going to be permanent. Dean's ashes were already scattered across the Grand Canyon, and all his belongings were neatly folded and packed in a duffle bag. The only Winchester standing left it on the passenger seat as he was driving, and the amulet and ring that were Dean's most valued possessions after his Chevy were also in the bag. He couldn't wear it, it never did and it never will belong to him. I can't bear it, it would be too painful. Everything screams Dean. I simply cannot.
I'll never hear your voice again, never will hear 'Sammy' again, won't ever be listening to your sarcastic and smart remarks again. Why Dean, I wasn't worth it, I definitely wasn't worth the price of bargaining your soul. I wished I understood earlier what family meant, understanding it now is too little and too late, it won't bring back you, and it certainly won't turn back all the things I did and said to you. I'm sorry big brother.