Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh.
(A.N: Thanks to SlightlyAskew for the idea.)
By Silver Sailor Ganymede
The Principal sighed and lay back in his chair, regarding Tanazaki Yukari with a look of complete exasperation. The woman hadn't changed at all since she had been a student at the school herself: it really was worrying. Add to that the fact that her attitude seemed to be having severely negative consequences on some of her students… Something had to be done.
Yukari yawned and looked at the Principal. "So… what do you want to tell me? Am I getting a promotion or something?" she asked, grinning.
He shook his head in disbelief; Yukari really was almost impossible to put up with. Her personality was so exaggerated that people would never believe that she actually existed unless they had met her for themselves.
"It's nothing of the sort, Tanazaki-sensei," he replied curtly. "In fact the school had noticed that you – as well as some of your students are in need of some help."
"Help?" Yukari asked, still grinning. "You mean like not having to do so much work? Or shorter school days so I could sleep more? Yeah that'd be a lot of help, tha…"
"That," the Princpial cut her off, "Is not what I was referring to. We mean help as in… erm… psychological help."
Yukari blinked and then replied with an extremely articulate, "Huh?"
"You're going to see a shrink, Yukari. You and some of your students will be having therapy sessions."
Yamamoto Takashi was not the happiest man in the world at that very moment. In fact he was feeling rather bored. His first case of the day had been quite standard… a high school teacher obsessed with his female students. Kimura or something… But he had nothing to worry about… he was a little strange, granted, but Yamamoto saw that sort of thing almost every day. It got rather dull after a while. He wished something more interesting would happen… Little did he know that the rest of the day's appointments would push even 'interesting' beyond its limit…
He looked down at his list and saw that his next patient was one Tanazaki Yukari. He wondered what she had been referred to him for… depression? Paranoia? Hallucinations? Well he was used to dealing with conditions like that, it was his job, but nothing could have prepared him for what he was about to face…
Yukari practically bounced into the room, having had three (or four… or five… or six… or… who cared? She couldn't remember the exact number, but she had had a lot of coffee this morning) cups of coffee at the very least since she had woken up. She was grinning from ear to ear, and as she sat down on the chair she spun around on it twice before sitting (somewhat) still and looking at the psychiatrist.
"Tanazaki Yukari?" he asked and she nodded.
"Yup, that's me."
"Well I am Yamamoto Takashi, and I…"
But before he could say anything else, Yukari had interrupted him.
"Can we just get on and do the ink-blot-test-thingy?" she asked.
Yamamoto blinked, completely taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"You know, the ink-blot-thingy they do on T.V. shows and stuff!" Yukari replied.
"Well I don't really think that's ne…"
"Oh come on!" Yukari interrupted again. "I wanna see the ink-blots! Test me test me test me!"
Yamamoto sighed and decided that the only thing to do was to pull out the cards and ask her. "Okay, what do you see in this?" he asked, holding up the first card. "Be sure to say the first thing that comes to mind."
"A bottle of sake… My car… Watermelons… Cake… Another bottle of sake… Are these things supposed to repeat?" ("Tanazaki-san, please concentrate!") "Sake again… Nyamo driving my car… HEY what's Nyamo doing with MY car?!?!"
Yamamoto put the cards down. He had this one figured out already.
"Thank you Tanazaki-san, that's all we need for today."
Yukari stood up and skipped out of the room, acting as much like a five-year-old as she had all the way through the session.
Yamamoto scribbled something down on a piece of paper. Severe ADHD and possible alcoholism… There was something strange about teachers these days.
He looked down at his list again and saw that his next appointment consisted of not one but two people. Now that was something he hadn't been expecting. Mizuhara Koyomi and Takino Tomo were the same age, in the same school and in the same class. In fact it seemed that they were from the same place his last two patients had taught at… well well, wasn't that odd?
At that moment his next patients came in. The girl with glasses glared at him moodily and sat down, with her arms folded and a perpetually grey cloud seeming to hang over her head. Her friend, who was a few inches shorter and had wild brown hair that was spiked at the ends, was her complete opposite and reminded him somewhat of the protagonist of a shoujo anime. She grinned at him, laughed, the jumped on the chair and started spinning around on it over and over and over again.
"Stop that," the girl with glasses hissed and her friend stopped immediately, nearly falling off her chair.
"Aaaw you're no fun, Yomi!" the hyperactive girl, whom Yamamoto figured must be Tomo whined.
"We're not here to have fun," Yomi snapped. "We're here because the school sent us, okay?"
"Alright, jeesh," Tomo muttered. "Anyway who are you, Mr. Shrink guy?"
"My name is Yamamoto Takashi," he replied.
Yomi's, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Yamamoto-san," and Tomo's "Hi Mr. Shrink guy!" could not have been more different. If anything they reminded Yamamoto of a couple for some reason – well they always do say opposites attract.
"Now why don't we try an ink blot test?" Yamamoto asked. "Takino-san, if you would like to go first."
Tomo nodded, still grinning. "Okay! I see… ice cream! Lupin! Fujiko Mine! Ayumi Hamasaki! Udata Hikaru! Aino Minako! Cake! Yomi hitting me over the head! A BLUE BUS!"
Yamaoto raised his eyebrows at Tomo, then asked, "How much sugar have you had today, Takino-san?"
"Four chocolate bars, some fizzy drinks… OH and I put six sugars in each of my coffees this morning, and I had about eight coffees. AND I ate some raw sugar cubes on the way here today because Yomi told me not to and I couldn't be bothered to do anything Yomi told me to because Yomi's being really mean and boring lately so HAH!" By the time Tomo had finished, Yamamoto was marvelling that she hadn't gone blue in the face.
"Okay… I think I understand you now… And you, Mizuhara-san?"
Yomi's test could not have gone more differently than Tomo's. In quick succession she said she saw, "Tomo without her head. Tomo jumping out of a window. Tomo jumping off the side of the school. Me slitting my throat from boredom. Me slitting my throat from insanity caused by Tomo," and a whole lot of other depressing things that even Yamamoto did not what to think about.
"Well that seems to be all I can do for you," Yamamoto said, turning to the two girls at last. "If you need any further help, may I suggest relationship counseling?"
Yomi looked at him with a look of horror on her face. "You old pervert!" she yelled then stormed out of the room.
Tomo just snickered. "Relationship counseling, that's a good one. See you!" And with the she skipped out of the room after her friend.
Yamamoto sighed, jotting down some notes. Mizuhara seemed to be severely misanthropic, depressive, possibly with some sort of mild autistic spectrum disorder, as well as being completely obsessed with her body image. She would have to be seen again. The other girl, Takino seemed perfectly normal. She just needed to tone down on the amount of sugar she ate or she'd get seriously bad cavities.
He then realised that he had only one more appointment left to do. One Kasuga Ayumu and…wait! She was from the same school that all his previous patients that morning had either attended or taught at. Now that was a little worrying…
But as soon as Kauga Ayumu entered the room, he knew that the inkblot test was not going to work. The girl had a look on her face that he had never seen anywhere before, and she was smiling as if she knew everything about everyone and he couldn't hope to understand her. She sat down in front of him, said, "Call me Osaka," then lapsed into silence again no matter what he asked. She seemed too preoccupied in studying the colours on his tie.
So instead of the inkblots Yamamoto pulled out some old disguised I.Q tests that had been made to look like games and set them down in front of Osaka. She smiled at him slightly then set to work, constantly muttering under her breath about pigtails, pixies and Godzilla.
Yamamoto Takashi was in a state of shock. His last patient had just left, and the results in front of him were astonishing. Kasgua 'Osaka' Ayumu's exam results had her marked as one of the worst students in the school, but looking at this he couldn't understand how that could possibly be the case. There could be no mistake. 'Osaka' had been muttering endlessly under her breath about things like 'Chiyo-chan's pigtails' and other imaginary, abstract matters, but the results were astonishing.
Osaka was nothing to worry about – quite the opposite in fact. The tests had shown something unbelievable… Osaka had an I.Q of over 200…