Severus Snape met some guy named Yaxley on a moonlit street.
"News?" asked Yaxley.
"The b– Wait, who the hell are you, and where have you been for the past six books?"
"Uh…I was on vacation in Hawaii," Yaxley replied, shifting his glance around nervously.
Snape rolled his eyes. "GTFO, you don't belong in Book 7, n00b."
Clearly OWNED, Yaxley shrugged and walked off in the direction he came. Snape noticed peacocks strutting across Lucius Malfoy's lawn.
"Peacocks, for God's sake. Lucius was always such a fairy boy." Snape entered the Malfoy mansion and saw Voldemort at a table with a phone in the center and a creepy body dangling above him. Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco Malfoy sit around the table. Draco, as usual, had the expression of a complete douche-bag.
Voldemort spoke. "Lucius, get off your ass and let Severus sit next to me since he's my BFF and you're just my bitch. And give me your wand, and while you're at it, your son's virginity."
"You already have that last one, sir," Draco said with a wink.
"Ah, yes, of course," Voldemort flirtatiously replied. "Severus, join us."
"I'd rather not, I don't really swing that way."
"No, idiot, join us for our Death Eater conference call. Bella! You're on speaker!"
Bellatrix Lestrange's voice came from the phone. "HAI, IT CAN BE MEETING TEIM NOW?" she asked sincerely.
"Yes, it can, as long as you shut up," Voldemort spoke into the phone, rolling his eyes out of annoyance.
Snape began, speaking to Voldemort. "The Order of the Phoenix is going to be moving Harry Pothead – er, Potter – next Saturday night."
"Good. Very good. And this information comes –"
"–from the source we discussed – Fox News."
Voldemort nodded. "Ah, yes, a very reliable source."
"I WATCH TEH CNN!" interjected Bellatrix.
A slapping noise was heard from the phone. "Dirty hippie!" screeched Dolohov's voice.
"Yeah Bellatrix," taunted Voldemort, "GTFO, your brother-in-law is a freaking werewolf."
"ILU VOLDIE, HAVE MY BABIEZ!" Bellatrix whined, and the phone clicked as she hung up.
Voldemort rolled his eyes and stood up. "You guys are srsly a bunch of n00bs, so I'm going to kill this random Hogwarts teacher nobody cares about. AVADA KEDAVRA."