A/N: Inspired by the song "Dirty Magic" by The Offspring. In accordance with rules, there are NO lyrics in this version, though.
So begins my fifth year at Hogwarts.
I'm writing this now by wand-light in my dormitory at the end of the first day. Since stepping onto Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, all has been going the Half-Blood Prince's way.
Arrived on the train late, but through a stroke of great fortune, spotted Lily instantly. She waved me over—saved a seat in her compartment just for me. We talked over the entire ride to Hogwarts.
Great news—identical class schedules this year! (Except for Muggle Studies, can't believe I couldn't talk her out of that one.) But still. Ecstatic.
Lily looks more radiant in her school robes than in anything she wore all vacation. Though I don't deny the Muggle clothes in summer had their… advantages.
One thing that happened on the train in particular stands out in my mind. She said it was really great to see me smiling again. I told her it was nice to have a reason to. Then she squeezed my hand.
I want to remember this forever.
All in all, a brilliant day. Even managed to avoid running into Potter and his insipid fan club.
Everything seems to be going my way. I'm going to tell her finally… as soon as I work up the nerve.
Have decided this is going to be the best year of my life.
Big Quidditch match took place today. Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor. Glad it wasn't a Slytherin match so I could sit with Lily. Don't understand her fascination with such a stupid sport, but excellent opportunity to spend time with her.
Today's game ran particularly long. Grew cold toward evening. Offered Lily my scarf. She seemed truly grateful. Am starting to see the merit in Quidditch after all.
Only thing to mar an otherwise perfect day was none other than Bighead himself. Probably caught the Snitch by cheating anyway. It's the only way he could possibly be so good.
Tried to explain this to Lily but she brushed me off and gave me a dozen reasons why he couldn't be cheating. Her face lit up in a way I've never seen before when he caught the Snitch, and then she spent the rest of the evening gushing over what a hard maneuver it was. I almost couldn't hold down my supper.
Somewhat mollified by Lily's assurances that Potter's only good attributes are on the Quidditch field, but still. Don't know what she sees in these airheaded athletic types. Worthless gits.
Ordered a subscription to Quick Quidditch SeQuets last week. Magazine still hasn't arrived yet. Growing impatient.
Lily's sick, stuck in her house, can't come out. Her imbecile Muggle parents won't let me visit her. "Contagious," they said. That repellent Muggle sister of hers gave me a dirty look, and I almost didn't stop myself in time from hexing her.
If only we could perform magic outside school, I'd mix up a healing potion right away. Damn Muggle medicine is insufferably slow and almost completely ineffective. At this rate I won't see Lily again until we're back at Hogwarts.
Mum and Dad are still at it—exactly the way I left them in September. I expect they haven't stopped yelling at each other since.
Have decided to lock myself in my room till it's time to leave. I doubt anyone would notice.
Wish Lily were here.
Saved up all year to buy Lily a respectable present in Hogsmeade. Found the perfect emerald bracelet (fake but pretty) to match her eyes. Bought it during the last village trip. Impatiently kept it hidden away ever since.
Efforts to give it to her completely foiled.
First attempt at breakfast. Tried desperately to catch Lily's gaze from across the Great Hall at the Slytherin table. Was just about to get her attention when that arrogant ass Potter magicked a pink paper airplane directly into Lily's hair.
The resulting clamor—damn those giggling girls Lily hangs out with—thwarted all attempts. Could not read Potter's note at such a distance. Very distressed.
Breathed a sigh of relief when Lily read it and rolled her eyes. No doubt Potter thought he was being clever and failed miserably.
Disturbed to see Lily store his note in her robes instead of throwing it away though. Almost threw the bracelet out then and there, I was so angry, but came to my senses when I saw her laughing with her friends.
Afterwards, she left for Hogsmeade without me. Couldn't find her all day. Very aggravating.
By supper, back at Hogwarts, I was so distraught I hid in some bathroom. Put the bracelet down on the sink for one second. Met the most incredibly annoying ghost girl, wailing about how she never got a Valentine in her life. I innocently listed a few choice reasons why that might be. The little wench screamed at me, grabbed the bracelet, and disappeared into the nearest toilet!
Spent the next two hours sticking my arms down the drain to no avail. Lost the bracelet.
And still cannot get the smell out of my robes.
Potter's lapdog Black saw me in my filth-covered state and couldn't keep his fat mouth shut. Engaged in a short hexing match. Would have got him too if he hadn't caught me unprepared. The lucky bastard completely swelled up my face like a giant red heart. Itched like mad.
Tried to reach the hospital wing undetected. Bad luck—ran into Lily and a group of those grotesque Gryffindor girls on the way. They couldn't stop laughing. Even Lily smirked, though when I ran away she called after me.
All her fault too.
Don't know why I go through all this torture when she can't even be bothered to make time for her best mate.
A miraculous thing happened today.
I made up with Lily during Double Potions with Gryffindor. Good thing too, as being her Potions partner was getting increasingly awkward.
Slughorn doesn't even check up on us during class anymore—he knows we're the two best students—so it was easy to talk about other things instead of focusing on the shrinking potion.
She asked me why I've been so cold lately. I nearly burst a blood vessel—how could she be so clueless? But somehow I let slip that you'd think she would have gone with her best friend on the last trip to Hogsmeade, and she became completely apologetic.
Apparently she had assumed that I was going with my Slytherin friends again like last time. She claims I ditched her before. This completely flustered me—of course I couldn't go with her last time! How else to buy the bracelet in secret? I never thought she'd take it so seriously. Girls are so sensitive.
Anyway, I told her that wasn't the case, and she looked straight at me and apologized.
I'm glad I don't have all this over my head anymore. It was getting harder and harder to focus and study lately, and I can't risk that. Not with O.W.L.s coming up.
My affection for Lily is stronger than ever. The year is almost over and I haven't told her yet…
And here I almost thought I was done with this girl. Who was I fooling?
Avery and Mulciber keep harassing me about her. They can't understand why I'd want to hang around "a filthy little Mudblood" like her. I was almost beginning to agree with them.
But somehow, when I look into Lily's eyes, something about them keeps pulling me back in.
I'm going to tell her as soon as the O.W.L.s are over.
I've read that sentence over ten times now and my heart feels as though it wants to escape through my throat.
Keep trying to tell myself it's ok. I know she'll feel the same way.
She has to.
Worst day of my life.
Who would have thought when I woke up this morning—it feels a lifetime away—so excited for the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., finally, that it would end like this?
It's not the exam I'm upset about. I'm sure I got an Outstanding on my O.W.L.
I don't even care.
It's all Potter's fault. I want to strangle him. I want to summon every curse and hex that ever was and place them upon him. It's his fault, it's his fault, it's his fault.
He made me say it.
He made me call Lily that word.
He made me do it.
Not that she would understand or forgive me.
I tried everything to make her forgive me.
I never saw such coldness in her eyes.
It's all over.
She won't even talk to me now. She won't even look at me anymore. I already know it. It's like for once I'm actually having a goddamn premonition. Never was even a bit good at Divination in my life. But I know. I can see the train ride home alone. I can see her avoiding me, I can see that horse-faced sister of hers sneering with glee, finally glad to be rid of me. Finally glad that Lily thinks just as little of me as she does.
Lily said I've chosen my way, and she's chosen hers.
Since when did our ways separate?
I swear I'll hate Potter for the rest of my life.
I have to get her back.
I'm going to get her back.
She can't stay mad at me forever.
I found this old journal today.
Not much was left of it, and what remained was cracked and yellow. Most entries I destroyed long ago in a fit of rage, details of those loathsome Gryffindor boys, Potter and his lackeys. The only writings that survived pertained to my Lily.
It is for her that I am doing this. I can hardly read my own words now as I write this, my hand is trembling so hard.
She is dead.
And it is all my fault.
And now I know what I must do. Even though it is certain to lead me to my own death.
No one must ever know.
So now there's only one thing left to do…
I'm going to memorize these pages, and close this book for good, and lay it to rest in my fireplace where all will turn to ashes.
Then I must see this through to the very end.