Get Your Own Kingdom Hearts Characters
Chapter 8: Get Your Own Heartless?
Say what? Are you reading/watching correctly? Why would (insert company name here) even think about selling heartless? Well my dear fangirls and or fanboys, since there hasn't been any new products offered in awhile, those dangerously black yet adorable monsters are our last resort! For now anyway..So call 555-123-I-can't-believe-I'm-actually-getting-a-heartless! Said price is only a simple one million dollars! LOL, JK, it's twenty dollars and fifty five cents. Please sit back tight, because I am going to proceed to list the numerous activities one could possibly complete with a tiny peanut brain heartless! Whips out long list of parchment, clearing throat-Oh, don't fall asleep, I see you there!
Keep your heartless as a normal house pet: Hm...I dunno how you're gonna pull that off...but beside the point! Run to the store and quickly buy your creature some dog tags and toys! Go for a walk with it! Feed them bananas! We still have some left over...Teach your heartless how to jump around idiotically in front of all your family and friends! Boy, you'll be Mister/Misses 'Popular Pants' when you arrive in style, a heartless painfully clinging your probably gamer back! Warning: Terrible burn marks amongst body is not our problem in any way, go on, get flipping life insurance already!
Demand (genderless) heartless to attack on any of the other characters: Are you evil or something? Why would you desire to harm a single hair on (if you bought them), Sora, Roxas, Axel, etc? Cough, cough, excuse me. Here I am blaming you when I'm suggesting you to do it! Just remember this; I'm the massager and nothing more! Have your heartless scare the pants off of Sora which will result in Roxas gaining an unusual new trauma. Axel, on the other hand, will most likely smoke your under-trained heartless considering how he's still pissed about not wearing a cloak. Warning: Because of possible outcome, you may find yourself without a heartless because the heroes completely destroyed them. Then they might come after you, no matter if you own them or not.
Use it to pull somewhat cruel pranks: This one is my absolute favorite. Ever wanted revenge on a sibling, enemy, unexpecting friend? Aren't you lucky? Control your heartless to act like a giant murderous spider whenever suspect arrives. I know I would be beyond scared. Hang it in their closet, throwing a dirty bed sheet over their small body, later claiming there's a haunting ghost lurking around. Have your heartless randomly sting anyone in walking distance! Okay, honestly, that could kill. If under the age of twelve, forget about these almost deadly stunts and listen to the other-more safe-options. Trip people with your heartless, make them crawl out of the television screen, similar to the Grudge and scientifically get your heartless to make a sandwich full of worms, maybe 'nicely' serving it to your poor Mother. See...they're not fun...bring on the deadly! Warning: There can be a murder on your guilty hands, heartless tend to get carried away. Contract means no sue!
Teach your heartless to dance decently: We all see it, those unpredictable (animals?) cannot bust a move on their bland life. Seriously, moving your head strangely and crawling creepy like is not a sure fire way to get...laid...then again, heartless have no hearts so they can't love...or feel physical pleasure...KEEP IT P.G! Ship your heartless off to hardcore dance camp unless you want to undergo many sweating hours of attempting to teach it in the familiar atmosphere of your living room. Warning: Even after going through dance videos, if heartless still has not picked up on Michael Jackson moves, you can't get your money back, be quiet.
Folds up list and takes out an entirely different one. Alright, since you were patient enough to pay attention to my endless ramblings, now we will move onto the side effects of your heartless. I can't believe they're going buy them...what losers...What? I didn't say anything. Right...did telling you heartless come in other colors slip my mind? Get a red, blue, yellow, pink or black heartless for the already aware price of twenty dollars and fifty five cents!
1. Your heartless may just kill you.
2. It could possibly sneak into your washing machine and turn all your clothes black.
3. Someone would chase your heartless away in account they think it's an oversized insect, waiting to turn life into a huge horror film
4. These fur less villains can destroy the world because they erm...produce easily.
Me: Damn, I need a new job...
Heartless: KDJFKDJFEKRMDKFJDKFDJJD? Stings
Me: Ouch! Get away from me!
Heartless: Multiples EIOUEREKRIIFDLFDDJFKDJFKDNIOD!
Me: Crap, where is my key-blade when I need it most? Oh wait...we haven't sold those yet! God help me.
Me: SHUT UP!
A/N: Wow, I haven't updated this since last spring! Hopefully there's people still reading, if not maybe I'll gain them back again? Please review with suggestions on the future chapters, that would really help!