A/N: This is basically just a dialogue-only nonsense piece. If you hate pointless fics, don't read it. I won't write many of these; it's just a way to release all my pent-up randomness. Basically, crack!fic meets my distorted brain. It's the Marauders, obviously, and you can just imagine who says what.

Can I Touch It?


"I know!"



"Did you...?"


"You really weren't kidding..."

"That is the biggest I've ever seen in my life."

"I told you! YOU wouldn't believe me!"

"Sweet Merlin, look at it! It's huge!"

"Hell, yeah!"

"Uh, guys?"

"It's bloody abnormal!"

"You're just jealous 'cause yours would never get close to half this size!"


"Psh, please. Ted's was bigger than that by far!"

"Was not! Ted's was miniscule compared to this!"


"Can I lick it?"

"Sure, I guess..."


"Well what?"

"Does it taste good?"

"Yeah, actually. Surprising, seeing as it's Sirius's..."

"Hey! I resent that!"




"I just realized...it's a little lopsided..."

"Is not!"

"Yeah, Sirius, it is! Look, on the left, there..."

"You're right, it is!"

"Is not...shut up you prats!"


"You can't make fun of it! Yours is smaller!"

"Yeah, well...not by much! I bet mine tastes better, too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"



"Let's just get Remus to decide for us, then! Remus, first taste mine..."

"No, mine!"



"Will both of you shut up! Here..."

"So which is it?"



"You paid him off!"

"Did not!"

"There's no bloody way yours is better than mine! I have the Black family genes, mine is better by far!"

"This has nothing to do with genes!"

"Does too!"


"Why can't you just admit that you're inferior and get it over with?"

"Because I'm not!"

"Wanna bet?"

"Guys, shut up and listen to me!"


"Finally! I just thought you might want to know-"

"Know what?"

"Evans and her friends are listening outside the door."

"Where'd he go?"

"Chasing after Evans, I suppose."

"Think he'll come back?"

"Only if-Prongs! You're-what happened to your face?"

"She slapped me! I only wanted to know if she wanted to try some of the cake!"